Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To judge friend for leaving her children

345 replies

GuiltyJudging · 15/05/2019 13:10

NC and Dailymail are scum.

My best friend of 20 years has confided in me that she plans to leave her DH and DC in two weeks time, once the oldest DCs communion is out of the way.
She has organized a job relocation to a different part of the county and has paid a deposit for a little flat. She’s been planning this a while as she met someone (also married) through work and he plans to follow her when he ties up his loose ends.

She spent an hour on the phone after she’d “let me in on it” excitedly telling me about the decor she’d chosen and talking endlessly about the dress and shoes she’d chosen for a friends wedding next month and gushing about this arsehole who’s also leaving his wife and child.

It hasn’t exactly come from nowhere, even when she didn’t work she had them in full time childcare and never seemed to enjoy motherhood.

I consider myself a feminist but I’m so upset about this, her youngest is only 3.

AIBU to question a 20 year friendship over this?

OP posts:
Original poster
GuiltyJudging · 15/05/2019 13:55

You say this is a long time coming which I assume means she has been cheating and telling you for sometime.

No sorry I didn’t mean cheating at all, that part is completely new to me. I meant her lack of involvement parenting wise and disconnection/regret at having DC

OP posts:
user1497997754 · 15/05/2019 13:57

I would tell her husband as forewarned is forearmed to be honest. I would end the friendship....she is not a nice person and I hope she leaves and the other man dumps her and she is stuck in a shitty flat by herself.

teyem · 15/05/2019 14:01

So this fancy communion is just a big distraction so that no one will realise that she is about to leave? To what benefit? She sounds out of her mind, tbh.

Hearhere · 15/05/2019 14:01

She sounds like one of them there narcissistic sociopaths

HennyPennyHorror · 15/05/2019 14:03

OP I have to warn you that putting "DM are scum' won't stop them using your post. THey don't have to print it all you know.

They can paraphrase.

"A poster on popular parenting site Mumsnet asked whether she was wrong to harshly judge her friend for planning to desert her husband and children...the poster who goes by the name of "GuiltyJudging" said, "She’s been planning this a while as she met someone (also married) through work and he plans to follow her when he ties up his loose ends."

And so forth.

ethelfleda · 15/05/2019 14:03

YANBU - what kind of a mother does that??

teyem · 15/05/2019 14:03

On the up side, so long as this isn't a mental health crisis and this is within her bandwidth of behaviour and reasoning, the kids might be much better off without her in the long run. That's not going to be much comfort to them in the near future though.

Crunchymum · 15/05/2019 14:04

This is odd.

Surely most people's reactions when a friend tell them they are having an affair / relocating in secret and abondoning their children is an immediate "What the fuck is wrong with you? You cannot do this to your family"

Why did you say nothing when she confessed and why did you then entertain an hour long conversation with her, about her cunty plans and say nothing???

PotatoesDieInHotCars · 15/05/2019 14:05

I wonder if she realises that she'll have to pay child maintenance and if it goes to court she will very likely be made to do the travelling. Did she ever explain what went wrong in her relationship? Or was her head just turned.

KissUntilTheyDieOfRabies · 15/05/2019 14:08

This is how to screw up children. Shame on her.

GreytExpectations · 15/05/2019 14:09

Surely most people's reactions when a friend tell them they are having an affair / relocating in secret and abondoning their children is an immediate "What the fuck is wrong with you? You cannot do this to your family"

This^ Yes, its an awful thing for any parent (mum or dad) to do to their children and this the other man is no way going to meet her after "tying up loose ends". Not sure what you want to achieve with the whole "DM are scum".. Your post seems a tad odd though, almost as if this friend is "too perfect for the bitch role"

But please judge away as I certainly would. End the friendship and tell the husband

bigKiteFlying · 15/05/2019 14:10

I wonder if she realises that she'll have to pay child maintenance and if it goes to court she will very likely be made to do the travelling.

I wondered this - I'd also wonder if the new man will turn up or not.

You don't have to listen to her going on about her new plans OP or any fall out.

Does seem odd that she all about everything being perfect for communion - is that all about appearances - though it won't look good her leaving her children - women are more harshly judged for that though it's really not great for either parent- so I don't get that at all.

Alwaysgrey · 15/05/2019 14:11

How close are you to her husband? I find being a parent hard (two of my children have disabilities, one quite severely so). It’s hard and I have some days where I want to up and leave but I love them. I chose to have them so I’m responsible for them. The underhand nature of what she’s doing is horrible.

nokidshere · 15/05/2019 14:12

I am friends with someone who did this. She left her 6 children (oldest 10, youngest 1) one morning and completely disappeared from their lives. She left them with a violent and abusive alcoholic father and, after 2 years of hell, the children ended up in care. They had no contact with their mother for 6 years and their father died in an accident soon after they went into care.

When she did reappear, she did so with her own home, a good job and a new partner. Four of the 6 children eventually returned to live with them. All the children are grown up, none have lasting damage or issues, all have been happily married with families of their own for many years. The relationship they have had with their mother since then is friendly. They lack the closeness of a family who have grown up together but have a relationship with her that some people who grew up at home with both parents don't have.

This person is my mother and this happened 49 years ago.

Original poster
GuiltyJudging · 15/05/2019 14:13

Why did you say nothing when she confessed and why did you then entertain an hour long conversation with her, about her cunty plans and say nothing???

I did, I cried on the phone and begged her to think it through. Her eldest is like one of my own, her DC are in my house all the time, they have their own little allotment plots here. I think this is why I’ve put up with her for so long (though she did used to be absolutely hilarious, amazing fun and good to be around but now I just despair)

I’ve been heartbroken and upset all day. She just has a nak of railroading a conversation and making you feel utterly stupid and I’m scared I’m “scaring her off” entirely because then I’ll have no leeway or influence over her decisions at all.

OP posts:
GreytExpectations · 15/05/2019 14:14

OP, why exactly did you not react negatively to her telling you all this or call her out for it? Seems like you just shrugged your shoulders and happily listened. If it were my friend i'd definitely be all "What the fuck is wrong with you?!" on them.

Original poster
GuiltyJudging · 15/05/2019 14:15

Oh nokidshere Flowers

OP posts:
bringbacksideburns · 15/05/2019 14:17

I know what I'd do.

Block her and have nothing more to do with her.

nokidshere · 15/05/2019 14:19

@GuiltyJudging

I don't need flowers but thank you.

I was just posting to show that a parent leaving doesn't always have to mean that a child's life will be forever ruined, or that bridges cant be built. I dislike the turn of thought that says a child can never recover from bad things happening in their lives. Some can and do with or without help and support.

teyem · 15/05/2019 14:19

You don't have any leeway or influence anyway. People tend to do what they want to do and then create a narrative to justify it.

Milicentbystander72 · 15/05/2019 14:20

I don't blame you for judging. I would too. I have.

In the past few years I've had 2 good friends who have walked out on their family for other men.

The first was having an affair and then told her husband she wanted a divorce. It seemed to go from 0 - 100 in the space of a few weeks. Her DH was devastated as were the kids (teens). She moved out into a little flat. 2 years later she's engaged to this new man. She has spent 2 years 'spinning' the whole affair by making out her husband has hurt her beyond belief and she'll need counselling to get over it. There's much abusive messages and phone calls. The dcs are emotionally damaged.

The second is a good friend of mine who has only just confided in me about her affair. She's met a man from work. They've been having an affair for 6 months. She's told her husband about it and she plans to tell the dcs after her eldest finished her GCSE's. The OM has left his wife and 3 small children already. They plan to buy a house together a few doors down from her old house. She's kiddy with excitement about it and thinks it's the love affair of the decade. She believes all the dcs will all get on fabulously and love the excitement of it all too, because the dcs will see how in love they are.

I was honestly choked when she told me. I really saw her suddenly in a whole new light. I feel SO sorry for both families. And I can't believe she's done this.

juneau · 15/05/2019 14:22

You have no influence over this woman, so you should cut your losses. She sounds utterly selfish. Her poor kids. No way could I be friends with someone who would do this.

RantyAnty · 15/05/2019 14:26

I'd be concerned for her mental health. Does she have a history of bipolar or something else?

I would judge her and cut her out of my life forever.
I would also tell her husband.

JingsMahBucket · 15/05/2019 14:28

I wouldn’t tell the husband, weirdly enough, since I’m usually for telling the wife in these scenarios. The husband being booted out is a real possibility and it seems like your friend may turn on a dime to set all her weapons on him. Maybe her walking out really is the best outcome for her kids and her husband. Let the OM have her and she’ll become his problem.

whiteonesugar · 15/05/2019 14:33

My mum left when I was 15, she took my brother (he was 7) but not me. I never got over it and our relationship is (at best) strained now.

She moved into a flat with her OM and then attempted to get 100% custody of my DB.

I would always judge. Poor children will always have abandonment issues.

Swipe left for the next trending thread