Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To judge friend for leaving her children

345 replies

GuiltyJudging · 15/05/2019 13:10

NC and Dailymail are scum.

My best friend of 20 years has confided in me that she plans to leave her DH and DC in two weeks time, once the oldest DCs communion is out of the way.
She has organized a job relocation to a different part of the county and has paid a deposit for a little flat. She’s been planning this a while as she met someone (also married) through work and he plans to follow her when he ties up his loose ends.

She spent an hour on the phone after she’d “let me in on it” excitedly telling me about the decor she’d chosen and talking endlessly about the dress and shoes she’d chosen for a friends wedding next month and gushing about this arsehole who’s also leaving his wife and child.

It hasn’t exactly come from nowhere, even when she didn’t work she had them in full time childcare and never seemed to enjoy motherhood.

I consider myself a feminist but I’m so upset about this, her youngest is only 3.

AIBU to question a 20 year friendship over this?

OP posts:
haverhill · 15/05/2019 13:40

This person sounds delusional, to be honest. I would seriously wonder about her mental health.
But I wouldn't continue a friendship with someone who could do this to their family, and I would tell her husband.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 15/05/2019 13:41

I feel like any suggestion that she should be judged less heavily because a man in her situation might be is misguided. We should judge men more for this (I am always horrified at how many women are happy to accept a man who has totally abandoned their children as a partner), not women less.

TheFastandCurious · 15/05/2019 13:41

The only good thing about this is the karma she’s going to get when those ‘lose ends’ don’t get tied up and she’s left sitting there like the pratt she is.

I would drop the friendship but not before telling her what a nasty, selfish piece of shit she is.

PamelaX · 15/05/2019 13:41

NC and Dailymail are scum.

Lol?? What's this going to achieve

posters hope their post get picked up by the DM or other! It doesn't really work, they make their own pick but there you go.

On another note, who wouldn't judge? Fair enough people change and split up, but there's a decent way to do it. Behaving like a teen when you have kids is disgraceful. She did chose her husband and to have a life with him, he deserves a bit better than that too, but the poor kids.

bluebluezoo · 15/05/2019 13:42

The thing that would make me wary about telling the husband is it could end up him being forced to leave.

If she decides to end the marriage anyway and move her OM in that could be him homeless and not seeing his kids. Women tend to be in a much stronger position when it comes to deciding the NRP.

I’d let her move out first. Let him and the kids find some stability, then she can negotiate access.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/05/2019 13:44

I would absolutely want the husband to know. Can you delve a little deeper before you tell her husband? It may be fantasy or she may literally be falling apart. Does she have an employment contract? Start date? Actually have a rental contract etc?

heartshapedknob · 15/05/2019 13:44

I’d have stepped away from the friendship over the affair; if she’s going to lie to her husband, she’ll lie to anyone including you.

If you have proof you can show her husband such as messages then I’d tell him. If not, I would end the friendship and tell her why and ask her to tell him now rather than waiting for some arbitrary event (and in years to come, her poor eldest child will look back on that communion with happy family photos and know it was all a front.)

crosspelican · 15/05/2019 13:45

I'd be very surprised if her prospective new boyfriend turns up. Sounds like he got caught up in a whirlwind and she is the one conveniently moving hundreds of miles away.

There are going to be some distraught phone calls in two weeks, OP.

There's no sin in not adoring motherhood, but abandoning a 3 year old to move to a different part of the country - whether a mother or father - is unforgivable. She will never recover her relationship with her children if she does this.

But... then I don't believe for a MOMENT that the man in this equation is going to follow her.

I know you don't want to help her, and nor would I, but it might be an idea for her to tell her husband that she is just going away for a couple of weeks "to think" and see how she feels when reality sets in. Obviously her husband shouldn't take her back, and she obviously wants to leave him and leave him with full custody, which is fine and nobody would bat an eyelid if the sexes were reversed, but she could just as easily do all this and still be within striking distance of her children. There's so much heartache coming up for everyone concerned.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 15/05/2019 13:46

The thing that would make me wary about telling the husband is it could end up him being forced to leave.

I agree with this. If her kids are going to be left with one or the other parent then it really shouldn't be her - for their sake, not to 'punish' her. Similarly, I wouldn't be persuading her to stay on the grounds that her affair partner is probably bullshitting about leaving his wife (even though he is) - her deciding to stay not because she loves her children but because her escape route isn't sturdy enough is a pretty bad outcome for everyone but her.

Original poster
GuiltyJudging · 15/05/2019 13:47

My friend is very wiley (is that the word? Like a fox. Sly and smart) her husband really isnt.
If I told him she’d either kick him out or convince him that I’m lying.

I don’t think the new guy is going to join her either and mental health wise, I think she’s just selfish and always has been when it comes to her DC.
Obviously there’s 101 good things about her and that’s why she can charm so many people but the selfishness has always been there.

It all seems delusional and she’s running around getting alterations and making sure everything is perfect for DC communion so it all seems so contrasting.

OP posts:
Jackiebrambles · 15/05/2019 13:48

If this is true then I'd certainly be questioning your 20 year friendship with her. Surely she can't be a good friend if she's such an unfeeling parent!

Although her putting her kids in 'full time childcare' is absolutely nothing to do with the way she is planning to behave!

AllFourOfThem · 15/05/2019 13:48

I judge any parent for that.

VanGoghsDog · 15/05/2019 13:49

I couldn't be friends with someone who did this after the way other friends of mine have been treated by people who left them out of the blue, or cheated, or went off with another person.

RomanyQueen1 · 15/05/2019 13:50

I bet he doesn't leave his wife, he'll have so many lose ends to tie up it will go on forever and she'll lose everything.
I'd tell her husband tbh, I wouldn't want a friend who would do this anyway.

GhostIsAGoodBoi · 15/05/2019 13:50

Is she planning on totally abandoning her DC?

Graphista · 15/05/2019 13:51

PLEASE tell her husband ASAP, so he has at least a little time to prepare and not least because I wouldn't put it past someone like this to royally screw him over! She could well be planning to empty bank accounts and take other assets/valuables.

Om wife too if possible.

I know someone who did this then when the relationship with the Om went tits up 15 years later, after no contact with the children, expected to just drop back into their lives and be welcomed with open arms! And when she wasn't slagged off her own kids to anyone who'd listen. Vile woman!

But yes I am just as judgmental of arsehole men that do this which they do far more often.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 15/05/2019 13:51

Judge away. That’s awful. She’s probably expecting her children to establish contact when they are adults so she escapes all the hard graft and gets the glory. It doesn’t work like that, they will probably be indifferent to her.

Original poster
GuiltyJudging · 15/05/2019 13:51

Although her putting her kids in 'full time childcare' is absolutely nothing to do with the way she is planning to behave!

My DC are in full time childcare so it’s not that. I was just trying to illustrate that it isn’t a total change in personality iykwim

OP posts:
purpleboy · 15/05/2019 13:52

This is so sad, poor children. Do you think the husband has any idea it's coming?
If you feel you would be putting him in a vulnerable position then it's possibly better for you to say quiet, but I don't think I could live with myself. Could you instigate a conversation via text so you have proof to show him.
Does he have a support network around him?
How old are the other children?

Cheeseandwin5 · 15/05/2019 13:53

To be honest, you need to draw a line in the sand, not about her behaviour so much but just what you feel you can put up with. You say this is a long time coming which I assume means she has been cheating and telling you for sometime.

Original poster
GuiltyJudging · 15/05/2019 13:53

Is she planning on totally abandoning her DC?
No she still wants contact and then to come visit. Her new location is a seaside/holiday type place so she was saying they’ll love it but be better with their dad full time, which I can’t argue with.

OP posts:
SinisterBumFacedCat · 15/05/2019 13:54

The communion thing is ridiculous. What a fucking hypocrite!

WhoKnewBeefStew · 15/05/2019 13:54

My SIL did this to my db and left him with 3 kids under 8, he lost his house and his job (house was tied into a job with unsociable hours). It’s a horrid thing to do and I cut my ties with her and would have done the same if she was a friend and not married to my db. It’s not so much she left the kids and dh (id not judge that, as you don’t know what’s gone on), it’s the buggering off with someone else’s dh and the affair that I have an issue with

LisaSimpsonsbff · 15/05/2019 13:54

She’s probably expecting her children to establish contact when they are adults so she escapes all the hard graft and gets the glory. It doesn’t work like that, they will probably be indifferent to her.

The somewhat depressing thing is that it does sometimes 'work', though at a massive cost to the children. The person I know who is most slavishly hero-worshipping of a parent is my friend whose dad didn't bother with her until she was an adult (and only pretty sporadically and self-interestedly since). I live in hope that she'll eventually realise how terrible he is, but he's now fairly old and in poor health and I suspect he will, deeply unfairly, be nursed through his dying days by his devoted daughter.

Oliversmumsarmy · 15/05/2019 13:54

he plans to follow her when he ties up his loose ends

😂😂😂

She must be really stupid as well as nasty.

Something tells me he won’t leave his wife.
She will have burned her bridges with her children
And new job might not work out so she will end up losing her little “love nest”