To think that if a child is well brought up and healthy then.....

[singingmum]

Social Services should butt out and look after the dc's that really need help?

Ok! so here's the situation.
My cousins twins are healthy,eat well and for 22month olds are well behaved.
They tidy their toys and they put their spoons in the sink and are starting to talk,walk well and are learning their colours and trying to count.They have their moments like all toddlers but are in general good dc's.
Now my cousin has been single for awhile and now has a partner who is trying to help as much as possible.The house isn't totally tidy but is quite clean(she has twins and sometimes doesn't have time to immediately sort out certain things so sometimes there is a top unwiped maybe floor unmopped)but in general she does what she can.She has complied to everything they have asked and now they have said they are taking legal action and she will have to go to court and won't tell her why.
So am I being unreasonable in thinking that -
1)They're job is to help young mothers learn to be good mums
2)That there are dc's out there who are being abused and need help and not getting it because they are goinfg for easy targets
3)That my cousin is being victimised because she is young and dyslexic(they have said that this is a reason she can'tbe a good mum without them)

Sorry but without the background information as to why SS are involved with your cousin to begin with, it's impossible to say whether you're unreasonable or not.

Origionally it was because her ex dp was brought up in care.He bacame violent so my cousin got rid of him.They then said that she was vunerable.(they put them on the at risk reg before they were born)
They then said that she had bad hygeine as she was trying to keep up with the twins and the housework and getting over the relationship all at once(her mum was no help at all and she isn't living close enough for me to help out)
So she improved the hygeine and everything she has done right they have then given a different reason each time as to why the boys are still on the reg.There have been numerous times when they have said'you're doing well and should be off the reg soon'and then they have changed her SW and have refused to take into account anything said by the previous SW making her start from scratch again.
There is now a document stating that they wanted the boys to have contact with their father and that they were v.happy that this was happening(my cousin does not want the father to have contact until he has gotten help for his probs)They are now claiming that that is not on their copies of the report.Thankfully my cousin has a copy that they sent her.
They won't tell her why they are getting this legal advice/action

Sorry no experience, but i think she should see a solicitor or go to the CAB to help fight her side.

She is seeing a solicitor as when she spoke to one they said she has a really strong case as SS have handled her case v.badly and TBH the SS where she lives has a really bad rep.They are rather over zealous in what they do.
I'm just really angry that no matter how hard she tries they just keep picking at her.They even threaten her with taking dc's on what has become a regular basis.
They really are lovely dc's and she's doing a good job especially with all the pressure she has been put under.

She definitely needs a solicitor.

But what about also getting some help from the charity homestart? They offer real, practical advice on parenting and may be able to be some use to her and she sounds like she may fit their criteria for help.

She has Homestart woman who has been really helpful and even offered to be at all meetings with ss from now on to write down what is said for my cousin as she has dyslexia(undiagnosed but so obv).The SW was really put out by this and said that she would be bringing the SS local manager to the meetings.My cousin said no as SS manager has been really condecending to the point of telling my cousins mother all that happens so that she can tell her off for being naughty if even she just forgot to mop a floor or wipe a worktop.
My cousin then said when she found out about the legal advice thing that from now on she wanted her solicitor present as she is fed up with all this.They put the phone down on her saying first that as the conversation was obv going nowhere she would not tell her why they were seeking legal advice.
In all honesty how is my cousin supposed to react to these people.She really has tried to do everything they ask.

They sounds shambolic tbh. As if they're threatened by the fact that your cousin has competent support.

Your cousin is doing all the right things to have her solicitor and the homestart people there.

Thanks LittleB.I thought she was but feel so frustrated as I feel so angry and upset that anyone should go through this cr*p.
It is shambolic as a girl just down the road from her who is also under same SWers has a house that stinks(dirty nappies on floor etc) and who's 5yr old is still walking streets at 10pm and they are doing nothing.When my cousin mentioned this in past they said that it had no bearing on what they did with her and her dc's.
Must admit I told my cousin that was bull and that she must tell her solicitor about it.

If this is all happening as you describe it is absolutely outrageous.

This is the nanny state - a large bureaucracy that thinks it has business interfering in families and telling people how to run their homes.

Your cousin should definitely seek legal advice. It sounds like she is being harrassed.

I could hardly believe it myself until I realised exactly what was happening was fully and horribly real.
Some of the stuff is worse than what I have put here so far.
For example she has been told that she shouldn't be teaching them colours as they will be to ahead at school
That her dc's should be having their naps on the sofa not in their beds.
And that they must be supervised at all times even when she is alone as they might fall or something.
She even uses the loo with the door open so that she can see them because she lives in fear of them getting hurt, and not allowed(by them) to put the boys in their room to play so that she can do housework .
All the stuff that most of us don't think twice about really she has been told not to do.

singingmum,

I've been thinking about this all day today, and having read your later posts it sounds like her new social worker have decided that they will remove her children because she an easy target.

I hope that with the help from her solicitor and homestart will be able to stop this from happening.

Sorry to be so negative and i hope that i am wrong.

No advice but I really feel for your cousin. I have twins know from experience twins are very hard work. My house is a pit most of the time (as are most houses belonging to twin mums). Can you get her SW to get in touch with TAMBA they might be able to get them to see reality.

I can't believe they're making an issue of the dyslexia that is appalling. As an ex-primary teacher I can assure you teaching them their colours is a good thing, they should be starting to pick them up by now anyway.

At least she's got you for support.

Thanks both
I am afraid you are prob right.

It might be worth getting in touch with someone, CAB maybe with regard to the disability discrimination act. If your cousin has dyslexia and cannot cope social services should be helping her to look after her children better (IF its a problem)

Have they provided her with any extra support? Surely this would be more cost effective for them than foster care anyway

Go to CAB or seek legal advice (if you can afford) Its terrible

there is some info here on the DDA

They provided her with a family worker who was supposed to help her learn anything she needed but woman is waste of space.My cousin hadn't had time to mop floor and the family worker went nuts on her.
TBH she knew how to look after dc's as an ex of her had 4 rainging from nursery age to pre-teen and she kept house and helped raise them for about a year but SS said that was irrelevant as she obv had no idea how to raise dc's see a prob there don't you.
Also they have asked for a list of things the boys eat and don't eat.They eat just about anything except white bread they prefer brown or wholemeal.They love fruit and like veg.My cousin is actually a good cook also but they keep saying she doen't know how as she does sometimes use say instant mash or ready meals for toddlers(the kind with no added crap)who doesn't these days

is she keeping a diary?

tell her to keep a diary of what they eating and what activities she is doing with them.

I think you need CABs advice tbh

Social services do have resources they can priovide her with, likea carer to come in daily if needed to help.

She is getting her solicitor and looks like he is going to start things off.
Hopefully he can get them off reg so she can get on with being a mum again as she has had enough love her.All this crap has put her on ads as she is so down with all the threats every 5mins.
Am afraid Spider they are more interested in criticising than in getting her the help she needs.
Am finding it so sad that they do this as at one time wanted to be one myself.Worse for my cousin she wanted to go into childcare and has now been told that that will never happen because they have the boys on reg now(after many and varied changes to the reasons)for neglect so her idea of a future career is gone.
I'll be honest I'd trust her with my 2 anytime thats how much I think of her abilities and I know I could rely on her in a heartbeat.

agree w spiderbaby- get herto keep a diary as a record of what she does with them.

sounds bloody horrible for her. good luck, hope it all gets sorted out soon.

Social services have to hit their targets for getting children adopted. Perhaps they are employing the same tactics as the education,police and health service. - go for the soft targets - as long as the boxes are ticked?? (for example - hospital can do 50 ingrowing toenails or one extra hip, but one is one operation and the other counts as 50. Disgraceful.

Further development.
They are now taking it to court in about 2 weeks on stupid grounds.
They are saying

1. That the house is not up to standard(although still won't clarify what they mean by'standard')even though my cousins last report said house improved and she cleaned for two weeks just to make certain including taking covers off sofa etc.
2. That as she has a lot of friends and family that visit the children are suffering mental cruelty because they shouldn't have so many people around them as can confuse them.

Please tell me I am not the only one who thinks that this is utter crp.
Her solicitor believes that my cousin will win as she has highlighted a number of conflicting statements etc. and the fact that they have told my cousins ex(yes the one they wanted out as violent and dangerous) to apply for custody.Thankfully he has said no and that when it goes to court that he wishes the dc's to stay with their mum.
What the hll has happened to SS.I used to believe that as long as a child was well cared for they were supposed to help not try to drag perfectly happy dc's away from their home.

Now don't get offended but is there any chance that your cousin takes recreational drugs? They may be acting on information from someone else who is concerned for the children. Your cousin is obviously young and if it is true that she has lots of friends around(you say previously that there is not much family around)there may be a semi-party atmosphere that doesn't sit well with some of the neighbours.

You say you live a long way from her. Are you totally positive that she is living a blamefree life? It is tough for lots of young mums to give up their freedom and particularly tough if you are bringing up twins virtually on your own. Is there a possibility that, even if she doesn't touch them, that drugs are consumed in her home?

She does not take drugs now although when with an ex she did.She stopped and would never take them if the dc's were around anyway.The loads of friends they are refering to are the dc's grandparents and great grandfather,2 good friends(one of whom live in portsmouth) and her current bf and his family(1dad,1 sister) and she has us who she visits once a month.
She was tempted recently as she is aneamic but the ferrous sulphate makes her sick and she panicked due to the pressure that they have her under right now to be perfect but after we spoke she was ok.
None of us live a blame free life and she is not whiter than white but this situation with SS has been going for a while(constant 'if you don't do this we can take your dc's away')and she is on AD's but lately she seemed to be going on quite well untill this all started to happen and now,understandably, has made her stressed again.
She has weekends off so to speak as SS insisted that her mum have the dc's for at least 1night a week so that she could go out and socialise etc. but no wthey are condeming her for every friend she has.
She has never thrown a party and the neighbours have always been friendly as has she.TBH where she lives most of the neighbours are more likely to be offended that she hadn't invited them if she had a party and a lot are in the same situation as her.
As I say her solicitor believes it's basically a witch hunt and that they have an excellent case but am shocked myself that they get away with so much

If SS were to come into my house, based on what you have said here about hygeine, i daresay they would have me in court before i could say flash multi purpose cleaner. My house is a pit, an absolute mess and i certainly dont mop the floor every day AND i have a puppy! Maybe it is because i am 36, living in my own property with a supportive DP that ive never had them rapping on my door. It is a little unfair that your cousin is having to have these battles. I do however share the concerns raised by carmenere (not about the drugs, that was out of order IMO, we don't know anything about this young lass, other than her being vulnerable)about lots of people in and out of the house. TBH, that isnt a great environment for the little ones, i do appreciate that your cousin must crave company but is there a way she can have this with a more suitable crowd of friends. Other mums for instance? This might be the real bugbear and it may well lead SS to think that things are going on that arent (carmenere made the assumption about drugs just based on what you said about lots of people in and out). As for the state of the house though, it sounds like they are using this to bolster their case. What they should be doing is providing this young girl with support and not making things harder for her, which ultimately may push her into making inappropriate choices.

I was a single mother when i was 19, however i was lucky enough to have supportive parents and i lived with them until DD1 was 2. Then i moved into my own place. I have to say, now i have DD2 (im 36) it is bloody tough doing it all alone, i have DP who is bloody wonderful and i still find it hard, so all credit to your cousin for doing her best for the twins.

I am worried that maybe her "friends" are using her as you say she does have some learning difficulties. Dyslexia is NO reason for SS to show an interest so maybe she battles in other areas too and is a little vulnerable to people taking advantage. Are these people using your cousins house as somewhere to doss? If they were really her friends they would respect that she needs to be left to get on with parenting and offer practical support and not just use her house as a meeting place.

How old is she?