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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just lost it with my daughter 11

106 replies

MummyCool19 · 14/05/2019 08:55

So my Dd has been horrible lately, rude and just secretive.

My dds friends mum message me this morning to have a chat. I don’t really know her well. So I thought wtf, looked on dds phone and saw that she’s fell out with her. Dd has started leaving her out because of another friend. This other friend is horrible and a bully.

Anyway, I wanted Dd to go and apologise to get friend. She wouldn’t. She refused to leave the house. I started shouting that I did not raise a bully and she will get her arse round there and a apologise. She still refused to go. So I went round and asked her friend to come to her. She finally apologised but I was so angry! I tried dragging her out the house and now I feel so guilty 😩😩😩

Also, Iv been through her phone and on a WhatsApp group one of her friends put (discussing james Charles?!) “he’s gay so he likes to suck dick”!!!! Like wtf!!!! I’m fuming over that aswell. Dd didn’t reply to it but stil 😩

I feel so bad 😩😩 not so much shouting but the trying to drag her out the house by her arm! 😩😩😩

OP posts:
LadySainsburySeal · 14/05/2019 08:58

Wow. So many issues there.

Mumofone1593 · 14/05/2019 08:59

Don't feel bad by trying to teach your daughter not to bully! It's not like you wanted to hurt her she was just refusing to do the right thing. Don't let her make you think you were in the wrong, I think alot of mums would try to get their daughter to the house of someone they needed to apologise to by the arm, not like you could carry an 11 year old, and what other part of her could you pull? Arm is the safest option, don't feel bad Flowers

Livedandlearned · 14/05/2019 08:59

When I've been that angry I've walked away, calmed down and then faced the issue. I've always dealt with it better.

This is coming from an impulsive person who realised she needed to breathe before reacting.

Original poster
MummyCool19 · 14/05/2019 08:59

And to top it off the mum has just walked into my house!!?

OP posts:
CastleCrasher · 14/05/2019 09:00

I assume you see the irony of yelling at her and physically dragging her in an attempt to teach her that bullying is wrong? Her behaviour aside I think you need to apologise and work on modelling the behaviour you'd like to see from her

saoirse31 · 14/05/2019 09:00

Hardly the way to build trust. Did you actually talk with her at all, listen to what she'd to say....?

Original poster
MummyCool19 · 14/05/2019 09:02

Of course I did. And she denied it even though I had seen the proof on her phone!

OP posts:
WhoWants2Know · 14/05/2019 09:02

It sounds like your daughter needs to lose her phone for a while, and maybe some of the other parents need a heads up about what their kids are saying.

Original poster
MummyCool19 · 14/05/2019 09:03

Iv taken the phone. She lost it last week for trying to push her brother down the stairs.

OP posts:
Stylemebabyonemoretime · 14/05/2019 09:04

You made a girl who was being bullied by your daughter come to your house. How do you think that was for the victim?

Original poster
MummyCool19 · 14/05/2019 09:04

They are best friends normally, it’s not like I made her. I asked her if she would like too.

OP posts:
IAmTheChosenOne · 14/05/2019 09:04

At 11, we're still trying to make sense of the world, we arent as emotionally equipped as we might like to think we are. So no your DD hasnt been very nice, but she's of an age where she wants to choose her own friendships, not be forced into them because of 'mum friends'.

Dd has started leaving her out because of another friend. She is allowed to have friendship choices and part of that growing up process is unwise choices. >>>> . This other friend is horrible and a bully.

Im not sure how you reconcile complaing about the friend being a bully, when you're putting hands on and trying to physically drag her out the door and shouting at her. But we all lose our rag at some point apart from the perfect parents of course

So I went round and asked her friend to come to her this was so wrong, sorry but it is. You made your daughter give an unfelt apology and made the other child feel worse than shit.

You need to take a step back and see how she is copying your behaviours because everything you've written about this morning is assault, coercice behaviour and outright bullying.

If I were the other mother I'd be giving you a wide berth because you just humiliated my child.

thecatsthecats · 14/05/2019 09:06

What your daughter did wasn't great, and it's ok to feel the way you do about it - obviously!

But reacting like that makes you the enemy. The obviously unreasonable one, who's behaviour doesn't seem any better on the surface than her own, for all it being motivated by better intentions.

Removing her phone, stern talking to, listening to her saying why she did what she did, an apology once she is ready to give one - all good approaches. Losing your shit and manhandling her into an apology is both meaningless and ineffective in the long run.

Mayalready · 14/05/2019 09:06

Imo your dd is too immature to have the responsibility of a phone....
I had similar sniping via texts when dd was 11. Phone removed for a year until she went to secondary school.
And mummy cool isn't working out. You need to get tough.

Original poster
MummyCool19 · 14/05/2019 09:07

I now feel even more shit! I don’t know how to be a better parent 😩

OP posts:
Namestheyareachangin · 14/05/2019 09:10

So several things:

'leaving someone out' if you're a grown up is apparently fine, as, you know, you're allowed to choose your own friends. But when you're a kid it's bullying? Unless your daughter has been picking on another child, calling her names, hurting her, breaking confidences, talking about her behind her back or spreading lies about her, encouraging others to be unkind in these ways....she is not bullying. She is just dropping the friendship, which she is entirely entitled to do.

I would strongly advise you to not interfere with your daughter's friendships, as bullying is far more likely to arise if you force her together with someone she has gone off. If the other mum had evidence of actual bullying (not just dropping the friend) then of course you should talk about this with your daughter, and suggest she should apologise, even enforce sanctions on her until she does (grounded, no phone, no wifi etc).

But screaming, dragging, standing over her to force an insincere apology out of her to the other girl who has been dragged round to watch this undignified power play? Are you mad? What on earth is the value of this for your daughter or the other girl? And what sort of respect do you expect to command by being so out of control?

Quartz2208 · 14/05/2019 09:12

She tried to push her brother down the stairs

This doesn’t sound like a one off but consistent behaviour

Yes clear boundaries and no phone to begin with

And presumably you are not uk

HBStowe · 14/05/2019 09:13

I agree that dragging her by arm isn’t ideal but I understand why you lost it when she’s being a horrible bully. No parents wants to find out their daughter is a bully and also making homophonic comments.

You now news to challenge this in a way that shows your daughter that you love her but you won’t stand for her behaving this way. There are loads of good online resources helping parents deal with things like this. The positive side to all this is that now you know, you can help her to grow out of this.

HBStowe · 14/05/2019 09:13

*now need to

IAmTheChosenOne · 14/05/2019 09:15

And presumably you are not uk

How do you draw that conculsion? (genuine Q)

Original poster
MummyCool19 · 14/05/2019 09:15

Right I’m going to sit and have a word this evening. I’m going to take her for a drink at Starbucks and just listen to her

OP posts:
HBStowe · 14/05/2019 09:15

*homophobic ffs

Quartz2208 · 14/05/2019 09:15

Because it seems an awful lot of coming and going and drama at 8am!

But it does seem to be UK

Singlenotsingle · 14/05/2019 09:18

The dd needs to know how it feels to be on the receiving end of someone else's unpleasant behaviour. That's why Mummy cool (ironic username) shouldn't feel bad about reacting the way she did. She's only human. DD is at the age where the boundaries need to be clear, and to understand that actions have consequences. It's probably a good idea to make her lose her phone for a while .

DoneLikeAKipper · 14/05/2019 09:18

Well it wasn’t the best way of dealing with it. If she’s bullying then it seems there has to be a significant amount of no-phone time as she’s obviously not mature enough to have it. I’d also inform the school that your daughter is involved in the exclusion and bullying of another girl.

Talking of school, why were you trying to drag your daughter to her friend to apologise, rather than be on the way to school? Seems like a very inappropriate time to be confronting her about this, never mind trying to physically drag her anywhere.