Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just lost it with my daughter 11

106 replies

MummyCool19 · 14/05/2019 08:55

So my Dd has been horrible lately, rude and just secretive.

My dds friends mum message me this morning to have a chat. I don’t really know her well. So I thought wtf, looked on dds phone and saw that she’s fell out with her. Dd has started leaving her out because of another friend. This other friend is horrible and a bully.

Anyway, I wanted Dd to go and apologise to get friend. She wouldn’t. She refused to leave the house. I started shouting that I did not raise a bully and she will get her arse round there and a apologise. She still refused to go. So I went round and asked her friend to come to her. She finally apologised but I was so angry! I tried dragging her out the house and now I feel so guilty 😩😩😩

Also, Iv been through her phone and on a WhatsApp group one of her friends put (discussing james Charles?!) “he’s gay so he likes to suck dick”!!!! Like wtf!!!! I’m fuming over that aswell. Dd didn’t reply to it but stil 😩

I feel so bad 😩😩 not so much shouting but the trying to drag her out the house by her arm! 😩😩😩

OP posts:
sparepantsandtoothbrush · 14/05/2019 11:06

It IS friends just drifting apart most of the time though. And at this age girls, rightly or wrongly, are trying to establish where they are in the pecking order so to speak.

What exactly was your DD doing to her 'friend' to exclude her? I don't think that's been mentioned and the answer to that could make the whole situation different in my eyes.

It's bloody hard being an 11/12 year old girl these days. My DD is 12 and constantly falling out with her best friend, their friends then take sides, it all ends in tears and then they make up again . It's been the same since I was little and all I can do is make sure DD is equipped enough emotionally to deal with the ups and downs

Namestheyareachangin · 14/05/2019 11:07

@HBStowe but what's the solution? You can't force friendship can you?

Namestheyareachangin · 14/05/2019 11:09

I mean in classroom settings you can ensure that everyone doing a piece of groupwork is included and gets their ideas listendc to, in sports groups you can make sure no-one is the 'last picked' etc... but in the playground, after school, you can't make children include everyone - if you did it would hardly protect the child from being bullied would it? If anything it would make them a target for worse than being 'excluded'.

Namestheyareachangin · 14/05/2019 11:10

I say this as a child who was 'excluded' pretty much constantly at school (too fat, too clever) but if anything could have made it worse it would have been adults insisting the girls who despised me let me tag around with them.

steppemum · 14/05/2019 11:18

Hmm, I am surprised that no-one has pointed out, she is 11 and is therefore too young for whatsap, and if she has a phone, there should be limits on it.

I am assuming she is year 6? It seems to be pretty standard that they begin to get phones in year 6 as a prep for secondary. Part of that process is learning to behave on it. Begin with some phone boundaries. She shouldn't be on FB, whatsap, snapchat, instagram yet. Snapchat has an age limit of 18! Some of the others 15.
Set a boundary, phones downstairs on charge overnight, no phones/devices in rooms overnight. You check her accounts regularly at this age. Any missuse and phone is gone.

Original poster
MummyCool19 · 14/05/2019 11:32

Sorry, why shouldn’t she be on WhatsApp? How is it any different to texting?

OP posts:
KaliforniaDreamz · 14/05/2019 11:41

Because on whatsapp one person is an admin and has power to add or block other people. Therefore it is a very fertile environment for bullying when you have emotionally immature people using it.

she is too young for whatsapp.

stay calm and chat to her. spend your time with her and no screens during the week. these text groups cause a lot of stress in children. advise her to stick to one group if she needs to be a group chat at all. rather than lots of little off shoots ad remind her to only write things she woudn't mind saying to someone's face.

minisoksmakehardwork · 14/05/2019 11:49

@MummyCool19 - WhatsApp is an app for 18 years plus.

Dd1 has it. Although she is not allowed to create or join groups. If any of her friends add her, she removes herself from them and tells me. There was an issue about a year ago with a small group of her old school friends and a WhatsApp group which is why we instigated the no group ban. She doesn't have snapchat or fb etc as that's a step too far right now.

At least WhatsApp is more like text messaging but the benefit of it is she can message without denting her text allowance.

NannyRed · 14/05/2019 11:54

Shouting and dragging her, forcing an apology? No wonder your daughter is a bully.
Monkey see, monkey do! You bully her, she bully’s others. Hardly surprising.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 14/05/2019 11:58

And banning then from social media until they're 16/18 is bonkers!! Talk about forbidden fruit. My friend told me the other day her children aren't on social media and she was glad about it. I then showed her my 12 and 14 year olds accounts which clearly had her 12 and 14 year olds added as friends. My DC aren't perfect but they know what's acceptable and what isn't as they've had SM for a while and we have a massively open relationship. Telling them they cant have it when the majority of their friends do is just going to isolate them. It needs to be managed not denied IMO

steppemum · 14/05/2019 11:59

to sign up for whatsap you had to lie about her age.

I am amazed at the number of parents who think it is fine to lie about their kids ages to get them on social media platforms which have age restrictions.
You do know the age restrictions are there for a reason....

JeezOhGeeWhizz · 14/05/2019 12:17

Wouldn't be taking her to Starbucks.
Why should a bully get a treat?

differentnameforthis · 14/05/2019 12:17

Your daughter is 11 and has unchecked access to social media? Are you mad at yourself too for letting a device babysit your child?

Original poster
MummyCool19 · 14/05/2019 12:19

It’s bloody WhatsApp not Facebook! I know exactly who is on there

OP posts:
FooFighter99 · 14/05/2019 12:31

Whatsapp is 12+ according to the App Store #justsayin

outvoid · 14/05/2019 12:34

It is horrible to ditch a good friend suddenly for no reason when you’re an adult, it’s even worse as an 11 year old girl namestheyareachangin. This isn’t normal, kind behaviour and definitely shouldn’t be encouraged as such. Of course we can all choose our friends but we can’t suddenly stop being friends with someone, start to exclude them and not offer them an explanation then question why they’re upset about it. It’s very mean spirited.

Your DD is too young to have a phone really, it’s as simple as that. Take the phone away and have a stern conversation with her about how to be a better friend/overall person.

Krazykitty · 14/05/2019 12:57

@MummyCool19 you are getting some harsh comments on here, try not to take them personally and you’re not a rubbish mum. I think parenting gets a lot harder the older they get. I was really drawn to this thread as funnily enough (well not so funny) I had an argument with my 11 year old dd yesterday evening. I won’t go into it as it’s a long story, but I’ve found since she’s started senior school she’s become even more of a diva than before!

I don’t think dragging her by her arm was right, but us mum’s are only human too and sometimes we just don’t act how we should, don’t punish yourself for that.

My dd had a few friend issues a couple of months back, she basically got excluded from her friendship group, started by a rumour from her supposedly best friend. I was so angry and on the verge of contacting this girls mum, but I gave myself time to calm down (a few days as it happens) as I knew that I would regret it. However I did contact the school to ask if they could keep an eye out for her, to check she wasn’t upset or left alone. Anyway it has eventually all sorted itself out and I’m so glad I didn’t contact the girls parents.

I’m learning to take a step back with friend issues, it’s so hard though as we are so used to being involved with everything when they are little and now to a certain extent we have to let them make their own mistakes.

Sorry that I’ve gone on for ages, but just wanted to say don’t be too harsh on yourself. You obviously care a lot and to me that doesn’t sound like something a bad mum would do. Oh and personally I think taking her for a chat to Starbucks is a good idea. It’s not a reward it’s just being on neutral ground and neither of you can shout when you’re in that setting Smile

PawPatrolToTheDogPound · 14/05/2019 13:32

You're not a shit parent. You wouldn't be on here if you didn't care about the way things went down. Flowers

Skyejuly · 14/05/2019 13:43

My 13 year old is a nightmare atm but I would remove the phone till 13 at least.

PawPatrolToTheDogPound · 14/05/2019 14:08

Some of you have the cheek to pile on like a mob suggesting the op is role modelling bullying behaviour for making a MISTAKE during a stressful situation with a preteen..Hmm

shitholiday2018 · 14/05/2019 14:18

Not rtft but at 11 I would be reading every single message to ensure communication was age appropriate and didn’t descend into anything dodgy, esp on group chats. You need to pull your socks up on this op.

Namestheyareachangin · 14/05/2019 14:21

@outvoid

it is horrible to ditch a good friend suddenly for no reason when you’re an adult, it’s even worse as an 11 year old girl namestheyareachangin. This isn’t normal, kind behaviour and definitely shouldn’t be encouraged as such. Of course we can all choose our friends but we can’t suddenly stop being friends with someone, start to exclude them and not offer them an explanation then question why they’re upset about it. It’s very mean spirited.

So what, it would be nicer for her to explicitly say "I prefer these girls to you, they don't want to include you so that is why I'm no longer your friend"? it's an explanation after all Hmm

Sorry but there is literally no obligation on people to be friends with someone they don't want to be friends with, for whatever reason, ever. To suggest there is makes a total mockery of what friendship is. And surely no-one wants to have people 'acting friendly' towards them out of pity rather than it being genuine care and affection? Not at 11 when you're old enough to feel the shame of it.

No the OP's daughter'rs reasons probably aren't the best or most noble but neither are many adults who cut people out because they no longer see eye to eye, haven't 'grown together' (i.e. no longer fit comfortably with the lifestyle I aspire to) etc etc. She at least has the excuse of being 11. And I don't see how enforced and insincere 'being friends' is any more helpful than the insincere 'apology' the OP forced out of her daughter. Makes a mockery of kindness if it doesn't come from within.

What it is reasonable to expect is that if the OP's daughter doesn't want to be friends with/hang out with this girl for whatever reason, she be civil to her if they do happen to interact, and leaves her in peace otherwise. Nothing in the OP to indicate she's done otherwise.

Namestheyareachangin · 14/05/2019 14:23

@PawPatrol

Some of you have the cheek to pile on like a mob suggesting the op is role modelling bullying behaviour for making a MISTAKE during a stressful situation with a preteen..hmm

It wasn't in and of itself a stressful situation though. The friend's mum asked to have a chat about a situation between their kids (perfectly sensible). The OP in response has immediately blown up, started screaming at and manhandling her child, and then engineered a ridiculous and melodramatic scene and dragged the poor other child into it. That's not a 'mistake', that's a sustained tantrum.

DontTreadOnMe · 14/05/2019 14:32

At the end of the day you’re trying to make your daughter be mates with someone she doesn’t want to be mates with. Respect her boundaries and she’ll be more likely to respect yours. No one owes anyone friendship

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 14/05/2019 14:56

OP you still havent answered my question of what your DD actually said to her friend?

Swipe left for the next trending thread