Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just lost it with my daughter 11

106 replies

MummyCool19 · 14/05/2019 08:55

So my Dd has been horrible lately, rude and just secretive.

My dds friends mum message me this morning to have a chat. I don’t really know her well. So I thought wtf, looked on dds phone and saw that she’s fell out with her. Dd has started leaving her out because of another friend. This other friend is horrible and a bully.

Anyway, I wanted Dd to go and apologise to get friend. She wouldn’t. She refused to leave the house. I started shouting that I did not raise a bully and she will get her arse round there and a apologise. She still refused to go. So I went round and asked her friend to come to her. She finally apologised but I was so angry! I tried dragging her out the house and now I feel so guilty 😩😩😩

Also, Iv been through her phone and on a WhatsApp group one of her friends put (discussing james Charles?!) “he’s gay so he likes to suck dick”!!!! Like wtf!!!! I’m fuming over that aswell. Dd didn’t reply to it but stil 😩

I feel so bad 😩😩 not so much shouting but the trying to drag her out the house by her arm! 😩😩😩

OP posts:
PawPatrolToTheDogPound · 14/05/2019 15:14

Sorry it wasn't clear but I didn't mean the daughter made a mistake. I think her behaviour is very poor. I meant the op made a mistake in how she dealt with her dd in the heat of the moment.

Original poster
MummyCool19 · 14/05/2019 15:27

Sorry, didn’t see your message.

Just things like telling the teacher she hit her then laughing and watching when she was getting told off, even though on her texts to said friend last night admitted to lying.

Telling Friend she isn’t allowed to walk home with her, and running off with Other friend leaving her behind and laughing at the girl.

They were best friends until Saturday! Dd goes round her house most evenings after homework, they go on days our with us, and her with them. It’s not like a friend that they just see at school, they literally live next to us.

Anyway, I’m very calm now. I’m going to sit and have a chat with her and tel her, I will completely support her if she decides she doesn’t want to be friends with someone anymore, but I think she went about it the wrong way (just as I did!) and that maybe talking to said friend/me will help.

OP posts:
Namestheyareachangin · 14/05/2019 15:49

@MummyCool19

OK what you have now described is bullying and she should get a (calm, authoritative) bollocking for it. Not acceptable.

But the degree of closeness/awkwardness for you doesn't come into it really. She can't be bessie mates with someone simply because that works well for you.

Shadow1234 · 14/05/2019 15:55

Op you say that your daughter has taken up with this other friend who is 'horrible and a bully' (in your words). Do you think that this friends behaviour is rubbing off onto your daughter, hence why she is behaving like this. Is this nastiness and secrecy something that has recently happened since the new friendship?? I would be more concerned as to what influence this girl may have over your daughter. Perhaps your daughter is being egged on by this bully friend and now too scared to ditch her in case she too gets bullied by her. (Just a thought).

Also, there is always two sides to a story, and maybe the original nice friend is not so innocent in all this. (Had experience of this with my own daughter).

Ihatehashtags · 14/05/2019 16:02

Sadly your daughter is a bully.

Original poster
MummyCool19 · 14/05/2019 16:05

That’s exactly what the problem is. Dd is very easily led, she isn’t a confident or assertive girl and will go along with anything. It’s one of things we’ve tried to work on this year.

Oh and the friendship doesn’t benefit me, I don’t even know the mum.

Iv had a long talk with Dd. She said she wants to be friends with both girls, but because the bully “hates friend A” the girl won’t let Dd hang out with her in school so she feel torn. Iv told her she needs to be confident enough to say “no Y I don’t agree with you being mean, I’m friends with x too”, and if she carries on walk away.

She said she didn’t mention about the James Charles thing because she didn’t actually know what it meant! 😩

OP posts:
Original poster
MummyCool19 · 14/05/2019 16:09

Oh and definitely friend 1 isn’t innocent, she can be so nasty to DD.

It’s came out just now that DD didn’t tell the teacher that friend had his her, friend Y did.

OP posts:
HBStowe · 14/05/2019 16:12

Do earlier posters still think this behaviour is just friends drifting apart...?

ThatCurlyGirl · 14/05/2019 16:23

The poor other girl getting bullied :(

Don't want to pile in OP but it's really worrying she will "just go along with anything" - I know all kids are learning and growing continuously you need to get this really sorted ASAP because it's not a safe long term.

I was introverted and shy but able to say no if something didn't sit right with me. Please teach her how important this is ThanksThanksThanks

ThatCurlyGirl · 14/05/2019 16:25

And remind her that the kind of kids who bully like this could just as easily turn on her next - sometimes until you say to kids "how would you feel if you were her?" the don't think about it.

Maybe you can position this as a steep learning curve so it's a constructive bollocking and you don't end up shouting at a brick wall.

Good luck Thanks

DoneLikeAKipper · 14/05/2019 16:38

Dd is very easily led

It’s weird on here. No one’s child is ever an instigator. They’re always a sensitive/sheep/wet lettuce that gets easily led by some other nasty sort (usually with ‘known behaviour problems’) rather than fully accepting their child is being a bit of a shit and needs to be held fully accountable for it.

somecakefather · 14/05/2019 16:39

So what consequences should she see her mother experience for behaving like a hysterical toddler?

What an exaggeration...but anyway, I am so sick and tired of seeing on Mumsnet that mothers should be emotionless robots or complete passive mugs. It does no harm for children to see a reaction from parents sometimes. I remember when my mum had the odd outburst, I would know "oh shit, I've gone too far, better listen up". For god sake, OP is allowed to be stressed at the situation and show that to her DD.

Qweenbee · 14/05/2019 16:43

OH God. Don't beat yourself up about losing it. We've all been there and over reacted. Apologise for the way you handled it and then ask to discuss it calmly. Disappointment is a far stronger tool than consequences and punishments.

somecakefather · 14/05/2019 16:50

Your daughter is 11 and has unchecked access to social media? Are you mad at yourself too for letting a device babysit your child?

Yet another Huge exaggeration lie. One app is not 'unchecked access to social media.

Is it just a given now that posters hammer an OP when they start a thread? It seems to be every thread these days.

Original poster
MummyCool19 · 14/05/2019 16:55

I check her phone every two days. No way would she have unsupervised access! I’m not stupid. She has WhatsApp and that’s it, no other social media. I will delete WhatsApp.

OP posts:
steppemum · 14/05/2019 17:10

my issue is not really the whatsapp, as you say that is mostly like texting, except for the groups which is exactly why it isn't a great idea. My issue is that at 11, they will use phones badly, which is exactly what is happening.

Pull back on the phone use. restrict the access, take it away from her after 8 pm etc. It is not good practice for a kid to have free use of a phone at this age.

In year 7, my dd's school asked us to be more involved and more vigilant over their phones. Asked us to make all bedrooms screen free. They admitted it was going against the social trend, but said that every single incident of bullying had a social media element and it usually happened in the late evening/overnight.

It was a real wake up call. Their school then, when dd was in year 8, introduced a complete phone ban during the day. Phones in bags as they enter school, not to be touched until they leave the premises.

It really works. Most of them are now really low key on social media.

You can set a different agenda around phones if you want. Your dd is showing that she will use he phone as part of bullying. So intervene and stop it.

I also have a dd aged 11, and she is a total diva. Once she gets on to social media, I predict trouble. So I'll be putting in clear boundaries. She isn't getting a phone yet. I'm leaving it as late as possible.

minisoksmakehardwork · 14/05/2019 17:23

As part of a Mumsnet product test I installed qustodio on mine and dd's phone. We've set it so she can't use her phone after or before certain times, it flags up whenever any unauthorised activity is attempted - he her friends sending her links from Facebook or other blocked sites.

Dd knows it's on there and why. And she has told her friends we check her phone occasionally. Which means any nastiness is kept away from her phone and generally happens in person. Of course, her friends may discuss and bitch amongst themselves about dd/our rules. But she doesn't see it and we don't hear about it.

Original poster
MummyCool19 · 14/05/2019 17:48

I’ve just downloaded it! Willing to try anything. I signed up to a “left to their own devices” course through care for the family last week so I’m hoping that will help too!

OP posts:
Wonkybanana · 14/05/2019 18:03

And OP, every cloud has a silver lining.

While your initial reaction might not have been the best, by acknowledging that and apologising to her you've modelled a different sort of good behaviour. There will be times in her life when your DD will screw up too, and you've shown her that genuinely apologising is the way to put it right. Not being too proud to admit your mistake and letting things fester and get worse.

MumUnderTheMoon · 14/05/2019 18:13

You have said that dd is easily led, and isn't confident or assertive but she managed to stand up to you to the extent that you couldn't even drag her out of the house to apologise to her friend.
You aren't a bad mum, I do think this situation could have been handled better but every time I'm faced with a new bit of rebellion from dd I feel like I've fucked up in my response.
The fact is that she does have the right to choose her friends but just because you feel bad about how you've handled things doesn't mean she should avoid a punishment if she has been bullying. By all means have a chat about things but that chat should include the fact that she should give a genuine apology to anyone she has hurt.

happydaze22 · 14/05/2019 18:38

Hi Mummycool
When my daughter turned 13 she became a nightmare for around 5 years. I said things I shouldn’t have said, so did she. She did things she shouldn’t have done and like you I did things I shouldn’t have done too. It’s all part of the fun of living with teenagers. Please don’t beat yourself up over it. My daughter is now in her 30’s ,a mum herself and a bloody good mum at that. She’s also a wonderful daughter and we are able to look back on her teenage years and laugh when she tells me she won’t be letting her children get away with half of the things she did . Pour wine , eat chocolate and forgive yourself Flowers🍷🍩💐

happydaze22 · 14/05/2019 18:51

Also can see your dd is 11 but they grow up so fast now days. I didn’t have to contend with mobile phones when she was 11 x

GabsAlot · 14/05/2019 20:41

i remember a girl that was quite annoying at school we didnt bully but just stopped walking home with her she went homr to her mum who went to the school to say we were bullying her

sory to say it didnt help we just resented that she said it-it didnt make us like her autmatically

Namestheyareachangin · 15/05/2019 14:29

@somecakefather

What an exaggeration...but anyway, I am so sick and tired of seeing on Mumsnet that mothers should be emotionless robots or complete passive mugs. It does no harm for children to see a reaction from parents sometimes. I remember when my mum had the odd outburst, I would know "oh shit, I've gone too far, better listen up". For god sake, OP is allowed to be stressed at the situation and show that to her DD.

The OP laid hands on her daughter and tried to drag her around. That's not 'an outburst', that's assault.

And expecting someone to control themselves is not expecting them to be 'a robot'. Are you 'a robot' at work when you restrain yourself from screaming at and dragging around your boss when they annoy you? Are teachers in schools expected to be 'robots' when they are expected not to thrash disobedient pupils? Am I expecting my partner to be 'a robot' when I expect him not to scream at me when we disagree?

Why should we be entitled to treat our dependants in a way we would never think of behaving outside the home? Purely because we can get away with it and it's expedient?

somecakefather · 16/05/2019 11:34

Are you 'a robot' at work when you restrain yourself from screaming

Where did the OP say she was screaming at her DD? You're making things up now to fit your own narrative.

The OP laid hands on her daughter and tried to drag her around. That's not 'an outburst', that's assault

Yeah, she tried to drag an 11yo so hard that she couldn't even get her out the door. Get a grip and stop exaggerating.