Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just lost it with my daughter 11

106 replies

MummyCool19 · 14/05/2019 08:55

So my Dd has been horrible lately, rude and just secretive.

My dds friends mum message me this morning to have a chat. I don’t really know her well. So I thought wtf, looked on dds phone and saw that she’s fell out with her. Dd has started leaving her out because of another friend. This other friend is horrible and a bully.

Anyway, I wanted Dd to go and apologise to get friend. She wouldn’t. She refused to leave the house. I started shouting that I did not raise a bully and she will get her arse round there and a apologise. She still refused to go. So I went round and asked her friend to come to her. She finally apologised but I was so angry! I tried dragging her out the house and now I feel so guilty 😩😩😩

Also, Iv been through her phone and on a WhatsApp group one of her friends put (discussing james Charles?!) “he’s gay so he likes to suck dick”!!!! Like wtf!!!! I’m fuming over that aswell. Dd didn’t reply to it but stil 😩

I feel so bad 😩😩 not so much shouting but the trying to drag her out the house by her arm! 😩😩😩

OP posts:
Namestheyareachangin · 14/05/2019 09:23

@Singlenotsingle

DD is at the age where the boundaries need to be clear, and to understand that actions have consequences

So what consequences should she see her mother experience for behaving like a hysterical toddler?

Boundaries need to be clear, rational, and enforced consistently and reliably. Reactive, ill-considered ranting and showboating is not going to teach this child anything.

FishCanFly · 14/05/2019 09:24

if this is how you treat your daughter, how is she supposed to learn to be kind?

Didiusfalco · 14/05/2019 09:25

Okay, you need to have a chat and apologise to her, friendships are difficult and hormonal at this point and you can’t be so controlling. As posters have pointed out there is some irony in you shouting and dragging. You need to get a grip before she properly hits teenage years as it will get worse before it gets better. You need to model good behaviour for her, so apologise and have a conversation about bullying, homophobic abuse etc. You’re not going to get through to her by losing it.

Original poster
MummyCool19 · 14/05/2019 09:25

My god I know I’m an awful mother!!

OP posts:
Namestheyareachangin · 14/05/2019 09:27

@Mummycool19

Please don't take her to Starbucks. Don't reward bad behaviour (hers or yours!) hoping for a feelgood outcome to this shitshow.

Just sit down at home with her or go for a walk if you need P&Q out of the house and have a proper talk. Apologise for the way you behaved, tell her what you expect of her and why, and tell her how you plan to ensure she is doing it (e.g. checking her phone nightly) and what you will do if she doesn't. Then do that. Calmly. Leave space for her to tell you more about what's going on at school and in her head. Make sure to tell her you love her and always will.

She will push you, because she's seen it doesn't take much to break you. Hold the line. Rebuild her trust and respect.

SplashPad · 14/05/2019 09:31

I never understand mothers who intervene with friendships. They need to figure it out themselves.

Namestheyareachangin · 14/05/2019 09:32

Re the 'homophobic remarks' - I'd probably make her talk about it. Very neutrally. So "Why do you think because x is gay he like giving oral sex to men? Not all gay men like to give oral sex to men, any more than all heterosexual women do - some gay men like it, some don't. Why are you and your friends discussing oral sex? Do you want to discuss it with me?" Take the opportunity to mention condoms and STDs that can be transmitted orally... (a) because it is in opportunity to educate and (b) because it will COMPLETELY mortify her to have this discussion with her mum, and hopefully she will moderate her language and conversational topics on WhatsApp in future knowing she may be pulled up on it later at home Grin

Aprillygirl · 14/05/2019 09:37

You do know that by reacting the way you did you've made your daughter dislike her (ex) friend even more don't you. Not to mention the humiliation you put that poor girl through by her having her watch you force a fake apology out of your daughter.
You are allowed to drop friends and make new ones you know,and at that age-the first year of senior school I take it?-it is very common to swap and change your friendship groups.
I would have made my DD aware that her friend was upset at being dropped,and told her to be nice to her but accept that who she chooses to pal up with at school is completely her choice.

Warmer · 14/05/2019 09:37

Oh look things get out of hand! And then we feel completely shit! I'm not here to give advice on the situation and I haven't read through all the replies but yes sometimes things turn into a big drama in the heat of the moment and you probably didn't have loads of time to talk things through as the kids have to get to school. You're not a bad parent, if anything it has probably made you feel worse than her so just talk tonight. We all handle things a certain way sometimes and then regret it xx

ghostyslovesheets · 14/05/2019 09:40

Wow it’s all about you OP!

You don’t teach how not to bully by behaving like one - you daughter is allowed to choose her friends - take the phone away but pick your battles ffs or you will be exhausted by the time she’s 13

werideatdawn · 14/05/2019 09:41

You sound about 13. You need to get a grip. Its all very easily sorted, no need for dramatics.

spanishwife · 14/05/2019 09:41

You're not an awful mother, but sounds like you need to take a step back and be an adult.

Instead of managing her relationships for her - teach her the skills she needs to have successful friendships and let her deal with the ups and downs herself. Teach her to reflect on events from other perspectives, to speak nicely to and about others, to be kind etc etc

Instead of shouting and dragging - take a breather in another room and come back calmly and explain why you are upset with her for her actions, and suggest a few ways for her to resolve the situation. She then needs to decide for herself how to best deal with it.

Ultimately, take a step back and guide her into making better decisions, don't try and make them for her.

justarandomtricycle · 14/05/2019 09:43

Ouch, throwing people down stairs. It sounds like you have a perfect opportunity to lead by example.

I would apologise for losing your temper and pushing her around and explain that this is wrong. That we hope to make our friends and family feel happy and safe, and that you were angry because it seemed like that wasn't happening in her life.

Have a heart to heart with her about whether you make her feel happy and safe, and if you don't, agree to make a new rule for both of you that this is what we do. Ban nastiness, have her make her apologies if she behaves unreasonably because this is what good people do. What adults worth a a damn do off their own backbackq, and she is on the road to becoming one.

Make no mistake, there will be no fast turnaround on this one, there is no quick fix. She will think you are a weak dick for this conversation at first... but in the long run, she will not.

spanishwife · 14/05/2019 09:43

Oh calm down @Namestheyareachangin, James Charles is an openly gay youtuber that openly discusses oral sex on his social media channels.

No need for the interrogation.

A simple 'we don't make jokes about people for their sexual orientation' and a follow up conversation should suffice.

S1naidSucks · 14/05/2019 09:45

It sounds like you’re going through a tough time, OP, so I’m not going to add to the kicking you’re already getting. Putting all the criticisms to one side, there is some good advice on here that I hope will help you parent your preteen. Good luck.

Oncewasblueandyellowtwo · 14/05/2019 09:51

Hi Op! What happened when the other mam came around? What did she say about it all? Very hard isn't it, we just want to make sure our kids are not the bully and its horrible to see someone left out on purpose.

minisoksmakehardwork · 14/05/2019 09:51

Friendships at that age are complicated. When we moved dc had to change schools and dd1 suffers the most. Imagine trying to create friendships once the novelty of being the new kid has worn off and everyone has been together since preschool.

However, she has made a couple of more friendly friends in her class. One of them regularly drops her like a hot potato when someone better comes along. All we can ask is that dd didn't do the same when said girl moved and left friend without anyone. A week on and the two are thick as thieves again.

I would ask your dd what's going on. Listen to her. You will know if she's trying to pull the wool over your eyes but things can work both ways. We learned (from dd1) that dd wasn't exactly being nice to her classmates so we had a chat about how she might come across and how might she feel if someone did it to her.

There were lots of tears but it was important for us to show that we supported our dd and would help her find ways of resolving things rather than isolating others.

I understand what others say about not rewarding her with a Starbucks or whatever but I do thing neutral territory is better. Especially if her siblings are home and you're trying to talk. I've been on the end of everything being about my sister and longed for time with just my mum to talk about how things were making me feel, without my sister jumping in and interrupting. So while you might change your mind about Starbucks or the like, there's nothing stopping you grabbing a couple of drinks and just going for a walk. 1:1 time is important.

IAmTheChosenOne · 14/05/2019 09:51

The daughter DIDNT make any homophobic comments.

one of her friends put (discussing james Charles?!) “he’s gay so he likes to suck dick”!!!! Like wtf!!!! I’m fuming over that aswell. Dd didn’t reply to it but stil 😩

Namestheyareachangin · 14/05/2019 09:54

@Iamthechosenone

Good point I managed to miss that. What on earth is the OP cross about that for?

Oncewasblueandyellowtwo · 14/05/2019 09:58

Names I don't think Op is cross at that, but more upset that her 11 year old daughter is growing up and in what'sapp chat talking about things she didn't expect.

Oncewasblueandyellowtwo · 14/05/2019 10:04

Minisoks that's really good advice.

SheeshKebab · 14/05/2019 10:07

When I was 11, my friends and I were constantly swapping and changing who we did and didn't like. Noone was being bullied, you're so fickle at that age and there's fallouts but the next week, everything is fine again. I would definitely talk to her about it to ensure she isn't being particularly mean to anyone but I don't think it's bullying.

The homophobic comment from her friend, I would ask her how she feels about it. My bet is that since she didn't reply, she doesn't like the way her friend is talking but doesn't wanna say because of peer pressure.

I would just talk to her and hopefully she'll open up. I don't think she's done anything wrong really, she's just navigating her way to becoming a teenager and these years are hard. Remain calm too, kids are more likely to talk if they know that you're not gonna blow up at them.

You're not a bad mum! Flowers

SheeshKebab · 14/05/2019 10:09

I was supposed to put the flowers but gin came up. Is it gin?! I don't know what that means so please ignore it😂🤦

KoalaTea · 14/05/2019 10:23

ok, deep breath.

You are not an awful mother, you just handled this wrong in the heat of the moment, we've all been there.

I suggest you sit her down and first, apologise for losing your temper with her, but then explain, calmly and rationally why you reacted the way you did over her behaviour, then use the opportunity to have a proper conversation about what she did.

I'd take her phone from her too.

Yes, friendships shift and change, they fall out...etc. However, while not wanting to play with someone any more is absolutely fine, if there is any evidence of them being otherwise horrible to her ex-friends, that needs to be nipped in the bud.

HBStowe · 14/05/2019 10:59

All those of you who are turning a blind eye to this kind of exclusionary behaviour by claiming it’s just ‘friends drifting apart’ are completely failing to understand how often exclusion is specifically used as a tactic by bullies, and how devastating it is for the bullied child.