To wonder if we make life hard for ourselves whilst parenting teenagers?

[malificent7]

Everyone goes on about how hard it is to parent teens. No doubt it is a time of upheaval for the child and that causes anxiety.
Aibu to feel that the reason why parenting teens is hard is the fact thsy it is hard to let go and accept transition to adulthood.

For example, as a teen i was fairly good.. i didnt do drugs, studied hard and didnt have sex till i was 16. My parents used to tie themselves in knots regarding my growing independance .
One major advsntage of having a teen i can think of is allowing them freedom to explore.
Dd is 10 btw.. am i being incredibly naieve?

I think that's just one aspect and certainly not something all parents of teens suffer.

Some teens react very badly to the changes in their hormones...making them moody and irritable or simply rude and unpleasant. Many are extremely lazy...which is hard to manage effectively.

They think they know everything and that you're just an old fool who's time has been and gone.

I have a teenager. A DD...she's generally very well balanced. Does her work, manages her friendships well....eats well and is fun to be around.

But her room looks like a midden and she stays up too late at night...making it hard to wake her up. I take her phone away and she stays up reading...I'm fast asleep so I can't police that.

Then the next day she's hideous about getting up. It's hard...I'm happy to see her move towards independence but it's still hard.

I'm not sure you really know tbh given you haven't parented a teen yet.

My DC is 3. I see what I consider to be errors in the parenting of various teenagers I know all the time. But what do I know! Nothing.

My teens are mostly fabulous, but I back off when they’re angsty because I remember my mum pecking at me to see what was wrong, when all I needed was time alone.

Seeing someone who does not yet have a teen, telling people who are parenting teens that They're Doing It Wrong and it should be really easy, is as well is learning as a newly pregnant woman telling a mother of a toddler that she's doing it wrong.

So I'm smiling and nodding

(and yes, many of them turn out fine, often because of the parenting nit despite it)

Come back in 5/6 years and we'll talk

So - are you saying that the problem people have with parenting their teens is that parents are unwilling to allow the teens enough freedom?
Yes you are being naive.

YADBU. Parenting teens is emotionally terrifying and exhausting.
(It's also bloody brilliant on a good day.)

It's hard because the issues that affect them are bigger, and matter...mental health issues, friendships, no friendships, alcohol gets introduced, peer pressure, trying to fit in, exams, pressure, going out and about, being vulnerable, uni choices, stress, hormones, love interests and everything else!

The more kids you have, the more issues you have to contend with. It's a roller coaster. You never quite know what they're going to bring through the door after school.

When your younger primary aged kid comes out of school feeling a bit sad after a bad day, chances are, a cuddle and some tlc will make it all better...you can intervene with school, with situations, and you can make it better. Or if they don't get invited to a party, it hurts for a while, but the kids move on.

You love your teen with all your entire being, but they pull away from you. You irritate them, and they don't hide it. They make their own choices, and you want to support them, but can see that it's not the right choice for them, but you let them do it anyway. You do all you can to make them happy, keep them safe, help them fit in, and yet constantly question if you're doing the right thing.

The good days are fantastic...sharing jokes, watching shared interest on tv, them having mates around and hearing them laughing...but the bad days are thankless.

What Chimchar said!

The problems I have found with parenting teens are as follows (not all my DCs):

• teen needing to be more independent but being utterly useless at this. Eg having own front door key but forgetting it and waiting on the doorstep for 2 hours for you to come home & complaining as if it's your fault.

• teen stressing about exams but not revising

• teen spending money like water and therefore never having any when their mates are going out, leaving you in the quandary of which is worse - your beloved DC missing out on something important with their peers or your DC not learning the value of money because you keep bailing them out. This happens about once a week.

• teen hanging out with someone you know is a bad influence but what do you do when you know that saying something will make it a million times worse?

• chatty and affectionate teen suddenly hardly talks. Is there anything wrong? Or is this normal? Obviously you ask them but they say they are "fine." Is this true? What if it's not?

• refusing to go to bed and then refusing to get up because they are "tired." Oh really?

Oh I could go on. But none of these happen with a 10 year old . . .

Great posts chimchar and balloon

My teenager daughter has made me soul search in a way I never have. I had nowhere else to go except in.

Out of everything I have experienced in life, being her mother from the ages of 14 to 17 has been the most terrifying and difficult.
Good luck op, and I do mean that kindly

I'm currently in my 4th teenager and first teenage girl.
I find it horrendous at the moment.
As well as all the usual moodiness and snappiness there's is trying to get her to manage money better and not spend it in star bucks and then call me for more cos she's staaaaaaarrrrrrving.
Like the previous poster she works hard at college and is generally well behaved (although we suspect some weed smoking now 😠) but she is fairly chaotic and also likes to stay awake at night and be hell to get up in the morning.

And don't even start with the boyfriend issue. I was just getting over her having a boyfriend and having sex (arrrgh) when they broke up and I had her wailing around me for 2 weeks over Easter. 😰

Yep, you are naiave.

I have an 8 year old who is a delight (for now)

Yes I think you're being naive. Ok some parents may find their dcs growing independence difficult but on the other hand I know some (and have seen it on MN too) who seem to think once their child is a teen they (the parents) have done their job.

As chimchar outlined they have a lot going on and very much need their parents, just not in the same way they did as small children. As you said yourself they are transitioning to adulthood but they're not there yet! Navigating that is the difficulty parents face. They may be tying themselves in knots because as adults they're far more aware of the potential risks and pitfalls than their independence seeking teen is able to grasp.

No its terrifying. I had a toddler at the same age as my sibling had a late teenager who was making a lot of mistakes. Many a time i put my toddler to bed all safe and cosy and then got a text about something terrifying teen was doing ..like didnt come home last night or police brought home

some of those definitely happen with ten year olds... ds has been practising to be a teen for three years.

It is so easy to say I would not do... and I would do... oh yes. the thing is though some of the ideal responses you have are like pouring water on a chip pan fire for your particular child...

You have a 10 year old.

Yes you are being incredibly naive ;-)

But then I think most of us are until the teen years hit with a vengeance!

Been through it five times. IME toddlers and teens can be bloody terrible people. I love being a mother. But those two periods. Jeez. I look back and think if anyone else had treated me like that I probably would've rung the police.
Youngest is now 18 and generally quite a rational human being these days and I am sooo exhausted.
You know about sleepless nights and dirty nappies when you have a child don't you. I was far less prepared for what lay 14 years down the track😳

There’s a fantastic podcast available between a guy called Rich Roll and a clinical developmental psychologist all about teens, specifically girls.

I can’t recall her name but she’s a pretty heavyweight academic and researcher and works with teenage girls everyday in schools and private practice. Go and listen, it’s fantastic.

I was thinking about this yesterday. Actually I feel we don’t do enough for our teens. I remember being utterly exhausted as a teenager and completely overwhelmed with the demands of school and tidying up my bedroom.

I thought I’d be nice yesterday and cleaned and tidied my DS’s room. He’s 14. When he got home from school and saw it, I could see he was really happy. And relieved. It occurred to me them that perhaps we should do more for them and nag less.

I have 2 teens
Define freedom please?
Mine don’t hang out in parks and they don’t go out till late. They have rules to follow. It is terrifying to have a teen!

If you treat a teen like an adult they will just start behaving like an adult when they are not and it goes wrong. The time for my DC to be fully independent is when they are 18 and over. Not when they are a child in my care!

Despite being 16 my eldest is very immature and stubborn. This is very challenging

Seeing someone who does not yet have a teen, telling people who are parenting teens that They're Doing It Wrong and it should be really easy, is as well is learning as a newly pregnant woman telling a mother of a toddler that she's doing it wrong

Exactly Stella

Why on earth do you think that people have a problem with their child becoming an adult? It’s just another transition, like the baby to toddler, toddler to older child, child to teen.
I’ve seen three teens through to adulthood now. Two were a doddle, one less so, but the problems there were nothing to do with me having trouble letting of her childhood.

@GirlRaisedInTheSouth

Really

My DC would kick off if I did that and be so offended
Also they are not babies
They live in the same house and should contribute
I work 2 jobs have medical problems myself and am not about to raise 2 DC who think they are more important than my own physical or mental health and do so much more for them
They have good lives! Phones, WiFi, food, friends, supportive mother
But each to their own!

YABU.
I'm on the fifth and final leg, relatively sanguine and responsible, thinking of the future, setting realistic boundaries etc but DD(14) is absolutely hell to live with.
Love her to bits but sometimes (at least weekly) dislike her to the point I can't even look at her.
She pushed her 19YO brother down the stairs a few months ago, because he took too long in the bathroom and came out humming.
When my eldest was 10 I'd probably have thought the same as you OP.

Except for the state of their bedrooms - usually frankly the stuff of nightmares, and I could rarely be bothered to nag about it* - my two were no problem as teens. It's not a given that they're going to be PsITA.

*It bothered dh a bit more - I had to tell him to shut the door and not look. He did say more than once that if we ever moved, the only furniture they'd get in their rooms was beds, since their floors were 'storage' for just about everything, including cereal bowls with dried-on Ready Brek like reinforced concrete.

Oh god, OP, you are naive. Or one of those parents who’s teen will be allowed to do whatever the hell they want.
As toddlers, you hold their hands to cross the road. As teenagers you watch them putting earplugs in and crossing the road as if it was their hallway. There’s a difference.

Yup, being a teen parent is bloody hard. It’s a balance of giving them independence yet keeping them safe, teaching them at the same time as letting them learn for themselves and praying they’ll make the right choices. Throw in a mixed bag of hormones and teenage angst... yup come back in a few years.
I think I was surprised how hard the teenage years actually are (oldest 2 are 17 & 13) I don’t think I was mentally prepared for it, we all know the terrible 2s and 3s and brace ourselves for primary school woes - but i don’t think anything can actually prepare you for the teenage years, it’s such a sliding scale and I know dd1 has had some really difficult and stressful times and as pp said a cuddle and kiss won’t fix it.