To wonder if we make life hard for ourselves whilst parenting teenagers?

[malificent7]

Everyone goes on about how hard it is to parent teens. No doubt it is a time of upheaval for the child and that causes anxiety.
Aibu to feel that the reason why parenting teens is hard is the fact thsy it is hard to let go and accept transition to adulthood.

For example, as a teen i was fairly good.. i didnt do drugs, studied hard and didnt have sex till i was 16. My parents used to tie themselves in knots regarding my growing independance .
One major advsntage of having a teen i can think of is allowing them freedom to explore.
Dd is 10 btw.. am i being incredibly naieve?

I agree op - having been an easy teen myself (so I'm told!), my experience of parenting teens has so far been likewise

I don't think it's very sensible to reflect on parenting teens- when you don't have one!

Yeah - teenagers go through massive changes in their brains - similar to the level of change seen in toddlers. Their level of empathy actually decreases for a period of time, they can be moody and chaotic. You might get lucky of course but the difficult teenage years are definitely not something you can just avoid through choice.

Just adding too, I was horrendous as a teen. Completely went of the rails and I wish my parents had been stricter. I had so many rules as a child then once I hit a certain age it was almost like the gave up and I had no discipline, and was basically allowed to do what i wanted. I was given far too much free reign and it was the worst thing they could have done tbh, I still speak through some of these issues with my psychologist. I’m very mindful of this when parenting my teens, what’s that’s old saying, lengthening the cord but not cutting it completely.

Teenagers want more freedom, they often don't have maturity yet to go along with that. They need boundaries and rules while they are learning. It has nothing to do with a parents inability to do with letting go, it's parenting a teen appropriately

I feel incredibly grateful as I'm rather enjoying the teenage years, but then I hated the toddler years and don't feel I coped enormously well with them.

I think we're helped in that I have clear expectations (and they're nothing earth shattering) and am generally quite sanguine, DS is exceptionally diligent and conscientious

I have 3 teens and it’s without a doubt the hardest stage for me.

When a primary aged child comes out of school grumpy or upset a cuddle and a chat usually makes it okay. When my teen is upset they might not want to talk and all sorts of worry goes through my head.

The stress of exams is shocking. I do not remember being so stressed. GCSEs and a levels are so important now and we did not have the pressure they have now. Add in that two of ds’s friends are suicidal with it, so they are trying to cope with that too and it’s not a nice situation.

Freedom and independence - I give mine quite a bit but they are still children and need boundaries. This is where we clash. Yes they can go to a party until midnight, no they can’t walk home on their own, I will pick them up, no I don’t care it’s embarrassing.

The school I teach at has a massive mental health crisis (I think that’s the same anywhere) so I know a little bit about it. I worry about their social media use, are they going to self harm?, what if they are in the wrong crowd, what if someone pressures them in to sex or drugs? and so on. These things never crossed my mind when they were 10.

The good times are great and there is no one I would rather spend my time with when they are happy. When they aren’t happy it’s awful.

There’s a massive divide on mumsnet on how to parent teens. People say that when they were 13 they had jobs and their parents never did anything for them ever again and that’s the way they are. They will then say people are raising incompetent adults because we do our children’s washing. You then get the other side where parents are posting on aibu about should they let their 17 year old walk to school alone. I’m trying to be somewhere in between.

Am I doing a good job? I don’t know but I am trying my best as I’m sure most of us are.

Posters who don’t even have teenagers who come on a parenting site to slag off parents who do have teenagers make me laugh. What do you mean my independence op? Do you mean doing more around the house? Or do you mean letting them do whatever they want whenever they want?

The parents of teens who have posted on here have hit the nail on the head.

However, the OP is correct about some parents. There is a Facebook page - What I Wish I Knew About University, and some of the parents on there are full of anguish about not seeing their DC on their birthdays or crying for a week when their DC go back to university after the holidays.

I feel like telling them to get a grip. DD is on a gap year and I am more than ready for her to move on to the next stage of her life.

DD's boyfriend's parents are quite clingy, claustrophobic and controlling. As a result he has gone off the rails at university and never wants to come home.

GirlRaisedInTheSouth the brain isn't fully developed until at least 25 - so there is something in that. I knew someone who had 3 siblings and knew that once they hit 16 they were turfed out of the family home. She was petrified and it made studying far harder than it needed to be with not knowing where she would live in a few months hanging over her . Expectations are high in so many areas at 16

I came on here to see what happens as currently my 7yo is lovely but as a single parent I can't help but rubberneck at what is coming am terrified. I actually think dd has been really easy so far so I am convinced she will turn into Satan's spawn at 12.

I have a 15 yr old at home and 275 14-18 yr olds at work.

There has definitely been a shift in society over the last 10-15 yrs in how teens are treated generally (speaking as a teacher) They are very unprepared for life outside of school and for many it's going to be a massive shock.

I don't know why there's been such a shift.

We've talked about it at school . How today's 16 year olds seem like the 12 yr olds of 10 yrs ago in terms of parental involvement, yet like 25 yr olds in terms of their individual freedom.

I think that's the crux. A disparity between the expectations we have of them, and the leeway they are given. They can't deal with that.

The most "problematic" kids we have at school are the ones where a parent is forever coming in, who gets accompanied to uni open days, and yet is allowed out till 2am on a school night, doesn't have to study because of etc etc.

The most well-adjusted are the ones whose parents work with the school re study, let's them make their own mistakes, yet pops them on the train for an interview and does not interfere when they get told off at their Saturday job.

3 teens here and doing ok

No issues with drugs wrong crowds or alcohol
All work hard and study well

They are growing up and I’m happy and confident they will take independence in their stride. As it should be.

I think that's very naïve, OP. Reading some of the threads on here about how teens behave horrifies me (and I'm a secondary school teacher so I'm used to difficult teens).

It's a minefield because they can potentially do things and make decisions which could detrimentally affect their whole future. I don't think that worrying about that is unfounded paranoia about their growing independence. Neither is fighting to maintain boundaries of basic decent behaviour and treatment of the rest of the family.

My nearly 14 yo is not too problematic (yet). I want her to grow in independence, and have never been the type of parent to 'want my little girl back'. That doesn't mean I don't know there will be battles ahead, some of which I must win if I'm to help her steer a course to a happy adulthood.

You’re being very naive OP..
I’m fairly new to life with a teen (DS is nearly 14), so I haven’t had to face up to drugs, sex etc yet. But the thing I find the hardest is the variable mood. DS is like 2 different people. One is cheerful, chatty, helpful, loving. The other is vile - angry, vicious to his little brother, critical of every aspect of his life especially me, just really unpleasant to be around. And when he walks into a room, I never know which version of him it’s going to be. It makes life pretty stressful.
I don’t think he’s even aware of it, so this aspect of teenager time will be edited out of his memories!

I really enjoyed parenting teenagers. They were mainly delightful company and much easier to communicate with than the slightly irrational and less self aware 11/12 year olds.
My view is completely opposite. People who struggle are those who feel childhood finishes at 13 years and abdicate all responsibility and decision making to their children.

"I remember being utterly exhausted as a teenager and completely overwhelmed with the demands of school and tidying up my bedroom."

Really? The school day is 9 till about 3.30. Even with travel (I had 40 minutes on the bus) that is hardly a hard day compared to an adult's.

I had trouble tidying up my bedroom sometimes because I'd let it get into a state it was hard to get it out of. Someone else doing it for me would have taught me nothing.

2 teens here, 16 and 15. I love having teens around, they are great company. I've struggled a bit with missing them as they retreat to their rooms a lot. The exam season is a bit stressful. The hormones can make them a bit stroppy/ emotional. I don't think it's been the hardest stage for me so far, they are both good kids on the whole, no boyfriend's or drugs yet, been to a couple of parties with alcohol but stayed over and seemed fine next day.

They're not a homogeneous group. Some sail thru. Any earlier troubles, acrimonious parental split, bereavement... come out now in anger. Big insecurity, feelings they can't always manage. The world is dangerous because they don't have experience and nouse to deal with pressures and expectations, more so because they think it won't happen to them, they are invincible.

YABU.

Almost everyone has thoughts like this before their DCs' teenagehood, it is natural to try to analyse and plan ahead of things.

Be prepared for your plans and analysis to fall apart once things are underway.

Two teenagers here. One very sensible stressy worrier (19) and one chaotic, leave it all til the last minute non stressy one (17).

I found it easier with the 19 year old because he's very heart on his sleeve, tells me all about his worries etc. 17 year old has always been a closed book and quite mysterious. If he ever started stressing about anything I presume that would mean it's really bad.

Both are getting on with their education and have not given me any trouble.

I’m fairly relaxed with my kids.i always felt if they wanted to do something they were clearly ready to do it...luckily they were all into studying and not keen on parties...although they did go to parties now and again..mind you it was pretty awful when they were younger. I think I was fairly chilled with them..ones a police officer ,ones at uni doing maths ,one finishing Alevels.

Unbelievably naive, , mine are good kids, like you studied hard are doing well at uni now, eldest just about to start graduate job. The attitude and the way they were with me almost broke me. Many of their friends far far worse with MH issues self harm, eating disorders etc.

Here is a link to the holding onto the rope thread for support of parents of teens whose mental health is effected by it all.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/3584550-Holding-on-to-the-end-of-the-rope-life-in-the-bunker-with-the-Po-Ts-where-parenting-a-teen-is-having-an-adverse-effect-on-our-mental-health?pg=2

Aibu to feel that the reason why parenting teens is hard is the fact thsy it is hard to let go and accept transition to adulthood.

YABVU ... and completely missed the point. The above is the least of my worries. If only ...

Safe to say you haven't got a clue.

Very naive. On top of the normal teen issues my teen also has severe MH issues which makes things even harder. Parenting a toddler was a picnic compared to this.

I actually think that where you live has a huge impact on how your kids turn out..
We live in small town with little crime,my kids were safe to go out as teens..no huge drugs problem,good secondary schools..
That makes a difference to how you can parent.
If the area wasn’t safe I wouldn’t of let them out ,therefore huge arguments and difficult times.

I was wild as a teen. Spent most of my teen years racing round on a dirt bike evading the police or drunk on cider. Parents were utterly unshockable and there were no rules. I think they did their best but we grew up in an area where, to not have a family member in prison meant you were posh.

By comparison our DC (21, 18 and 17) have been a delight. Yes they have untidy rooms and need reminding to do some revision but they are kind and decent kids.