To wonder if we make life hard for ourselves whilst parenting teenagers?

[malificent7]

Everyone goes on about how hard it is to parent teens. No doubt it is a time of upheaval for the child and that causes anxiety.
Aibu to feel that the reason why parenting teens is hard is the fact thsy it is hard to let go and accept transition to adulthood.

For example, as a teen i was fairly good.. i didnt do drugs, studied hard and didnt have sex till i was 16. My parents used to tie themselves in knots regarding my growing independance .
One major advsntage of having a teen i can think of is allowing them freedom to explore.
Dd is 10 btw.. am i being incredibly naieve?

Yes, incredibly naive I think. And my DD isn't anywhere near as much of a twat difficult as I was. We've had issues, but in general she's well balanced, sensible and kind.
It's not about 'letting go' so much as how much to let go at a time. There's no hard and fast rules and you kinda make it up as you go along, if you give independence in an area and it goes tits up, well, you get to clear up the mess, deal with the fall out and then sit there and wonder what the hell went wrong. The problem is it can be as silly as losing a door key and being locked out a few times, or as seriously life changing as totally failing exams, or becoming a parent before they're even an adult.
Even though my teen is a good one, so far, I still have all those worries and ultimate responsibility, for someone else, who has their own ideas and agenda. They have to make mistakes to learn, but how far do you let them go before reining it back in? That's the tricky bit.

The most well-adjusted are the ones whose parents work with the school re study, let's them make their own mistakes, yet pops them on the train for an interview and does not interfere when they get told off at their Saturday job

That's exactly what I have done with my eldest. And he has bagged himself an amazing apprenticeship at 17. Who knows what will happen with my younger two.

On a morning when my dd gives me a dirty look for making her get the school bus and then sends me a text saying she hates it, I needed that little boost.

I think that if the world and society were in better shape, parenting a teen might be what you describe, OP: encouraging and adjusting to their growing independence

Some of the things I have found hard to cope with as my 3 (fairly trouble free) children went through their teenage years:

-the death of a close friend from MDMA
-the process of going through GCSEs undermining a child's genuine interest in a subject
-the obsession with body image creating an eating disorder in a child who had always been confident and easy going about food
-subtle and destructive bullying of a boy (supposedly girls are the ones who exclude and are 'bitchy'-- not my experience)
-boy being traumatised and questioning his gender because of revolting online porn I was naive enough not to know about until years later
-girl thinking that she needs absurd amount of makeup and grooming in order to face the world, in spite of previously being confident and feminist in her thinking

The independence thing is hard. It's not because you don't want to let them grow up and get on with life, it's because you love them and they are a part of you. You miss them, it's as simple as that.

I do think parenting teens is the hardest part of bringing them up

You do need to let go but how much at what times is incredibly difficult to know - and there probably is no right or wrong answer. And enabling them to make their own decisions...….wow difficult.

I was a 'terrible' teen stopped going to school at 14, did drugs, lots of underage sex and had two children whilst in my teens - but turn the clock forward 35 odd years and my life has been far more successful than all my well behaved peers. They are all in the same boring mundane 9 - 5 jobs with mortgages and a week a year in Spain to break the stifling monotony. I honestly think it was absolute total fear of turning onto my conventional conformist parents that made me make the decisions I did.

I have had several successful careers, travelled round the world and was able to semi retire at 45. My two children grew up to be a firefighter and a professional dancer - both quit school early, did drugs and whilst neither were as bad as me they were far from well behaved but now in their 30's are successful independent adults - again having done better in many ways than their well behaved peers.

A successful well behaved teen does not necessarily mean a successful adult and vice versa. But I guess it depends on what you mean successful - and that is what makes parenting teens so difficult.

Probably, but then various circumstances can throw any well laid plans out of the water. There are so many variables. Hindsight is a wonderful thing too. It's great when it's all going well, but the best thing for an inexperienced parent of a difficult teen, is good advice from someone else who has been there.

Basecamp, very sneery and superior post there.

OP I thought the same as you when my eldest was 10. There was no reason to think that I would have many problems with teenagers. I didn't have an issue with any transition to adulthood and I'm hugely supportive and open with all of my dc.

Yeah right. Then came hormones, school, exams, teenage friendships, boyfriends, alcohol, drugs, mental health problems..all while I'm being shouted at to leave them alone when I try to help.

And I still have one more dc who is about to become a teenager.

OP, are you a journalist?

10% of young people and children have mental health issues, of whom only 30% receive professional help.

So there is a good chance that one or more of your children and/or some of their friends will be affected. This is no walk in the park.

DD's friendship group has had to deal with eating disorders, suicidal behaviours, bipolar mania, anxiety disorders and depression. I thought it would be all about sex drugs and alcohol but these are much less of an issue in her group than mental health problems.

Yes YABU. There is so much more to it than this! I don't think the independence thing is much of an issue for most tbh. I'm happy to give my DD lots of freedom - the thing she struggles with is friendships though. She has some friends but not many good ones and that plus bullying has made secondary very hard (more so in y7 and 8, she is in y9 now). So she wants to go out all the time but doesn't have many people to go out with :( Of the friends she does have many are moody/depressed/hiding in their rooms all weekend. DD has her moody moments but generally she's a happy soul. The drinking/drugs/smoking is starting up with her friends too which is something to keep an eye on although she's currently convinced she'll never touch any! So DD is a nice, kind, helpful girl who works hard and school and never gets in trouble. Does that mean she is sailing through the teen years? No definitely not. I worry she isn't branching out enough or rebelling. It's what you are supposed to do. But until she finds her "tribe" it's not going to happen. It's quite sad really. I hope she finds some better friendships as she gets older.

Reported

I have 2 teenagers and a 10 year old (and a younger one). Teenagers this year, in a close circle of about 3 of us -

Starts uni, hates uni, terrified she’s going to come home and give up but also can’t have her being emotionally so unwell

6 months later, loves uni, hates her course, what to do

Leaves uni but signs up to start again in September

16 year old has party, it’s obvious from the smell that some boys are smoking weed, what to do?

Older one has a friend who smokes weed and drives, I pick her up as don’t want her in the car

Catch one smoking, not great

Know one socialises with a girl that has an ambition to do every drug going

Festivals booked, worry about what happens there

Car crash 2 months after getting licence

That’s just the stand out ones I can remember, crying because of exams, friendships, hearing about friends children who have actually tried suicide or have very dark thoughts.

Yes, it’s really easy 😂😂

It's a balancing act. They think they know everything. We know that's not true. They think they know how the world works. We have 30 odd years of prior life experience that tells us otherwise. They think they're grown up. We know they won't be for another 10 years.

It must be incredibly difficult for a parent to give a teenager enough freedom to learn about life but not so much that they put themselves in danger - where do you draw the line? You want to protect them but wrapping them up in cotton wool isn't an option either.

We had talk of a generation gap when I was a teenager - but it was more of a raging chasm. I hope it's better today.

Just leaving this here OP. Oh and my teenage son is lovely and he thinks this is hilarious!

I have a 15yo DD and am parenting her on my own (which I actually think is easier than it would have been if her dad still lived with us!) and find the whole thing a balancing act.

You have to show that you're in charge but let them make their own choices when reasonable to do so, but also be their safety net when their decisions don't turn out well.

I've learnt to pick my battles, to back off when she's tetchy, to apologise when I'm wrong and to give & demand respect. We still fight though, and she still sulks when I put my foot down, but we're getting along OK (I think!)

It's definitely not easy to 'just give them freedom' when you're aware of the dangers out there, but you have to let them make mistakes (because that's how we learned too!) and be willing to help them put things right without judgement.

Like others have said, YABU until you've actually done it. Parenting DD as a 10yo was a walk in the park compared to now!

Also, society used to push teenagers to more responsibility early on. My children would both like jobs, but no-one would employ them even washing dishes at 13. I had a little Saturday job at that age, and loved the freedom and the pay packet (brown, with cash in it). That's not possible now, and society tells us these teens are not adult and we mustn't treat them as such (see leaving children alone when at work threads).

On the other hand, they have more autonomy than ever- they are allowed to have contraceptive advice and help if pregnant without parental influence from 13 upwards, self-refer to mental health services and so on. I'm not always sure they are ready for that, although take the point that some parents wouldn't be very good at handling these things either.

You are right that parenting styles used to be much more authoritarian- 'do as I say, don't go out, you can't wear that skirt'. I wasn't allowed to hang around in town at all as a teen and my curfew, aged 17/8 was 11pm and I was picked up by my mum! My teens have more freedom than that, more independence, but they are also subject to a lot of pressure around fitting in, being a consumer and sexual practices have changed in not-desirable ways IMO.

So, 'giving teens more independence' is a really bizarre thing to suggest, they have more independence than ever but are infantilized in a school system that doesn't allow for much work or independent money to be earned so they have to stay 'dependent' for much longer.

Have RTFT but no, for me that was not an issue with mine. I was very happy for each new step they took to independence. What you might not have considered in depth though, is that it’s all good and well wanting them to be independent, but all teens are different and some need a lot more guidance and help than others. My two were very different. It’s a balancing act of allowing them to make mistakes but also trying to help them to be smart about things. You don’t want to let them sink or swim too early at that very pivotal age. Also, a lot of the turmoil of the teen years is internal - they can really struggle for a couple of years (sometimes longer) with raging hormones/finding an identity/wanting to be ‘grown up’ but still wanting to be looked after/disengaging from you in order to establish their own personhood, etc etc. It’s a time of great upheaval. They have to feel as if they know everything, otherwise no one would ever want to leave home, but they don’t know much at skim and the path one goes down in teenagehood can potentially set one’s path for life, or certainly for a good portion of one’s youth.

I was as hands off as I could be, though. I let them have their privacy, I let them make as many decisions about their own lives as possible. My only concern was that they end up content and well-balanced, able and capable of making something of their lives, and hopefully with as many feminist principles entrenched in their thinking as possible, to allow them to navigate the world as truly empowered women.

They know they can always come to me if they need help or want guidance.

I loved having teenagers. Teenagers and toddlers were my favourite ages. There's so much change going on.

With teens they're 12 one moment, 30 the next. It's unpredictable but it's also fun. For various reasons my house was the social centre of both my DC's friends. On a Saturday night I might have half a dozen extra boys sleeping over. I loved it. Some simple basic rules and we were good to go.

I had a terrible time as a teenager and I was determined to do better by my own DC.

My DC are early 20s now and their friends still pop in to say hello.

I found three things useful:

Turn of the internet and you will suddenly see your teenager and have that much needed talk.

If they don't put in the work at school tell them you are going dressed as Victorian Mum at the next parent/teacher meeting.

Let them bake and make a mess in the kitchen. Just as you did when they were toddlers.

To me, teenagers are grown up toddlers, you never know when a tantrum will occur, it's inexplicable, let them ride it out!

Kind of a cross post with Prawn.

I also loved the toddler years. Independence crossed with much needed love and support. Same applies to teenagers. I have three children, two in their twenties - so an age gap with my youngest.

Hahahahahahaha at the OP. it’s just not as simple as that! I wish it was!