To wonder if we make life hard for ourselves whilst parenting teenagers?

[malificent7]

Everyone goes on about how hard it is to parent teens. No doubt it is a time of upheaval for the child and that causes anxiety.
Aibu to feel that the reason why parenting teens is hard is the fact thsy it is hard to let go and accept transition to adulthood.

For example, as a teen i was fairly good.. i didnt do drugs, studied hard and didnt have sex till i was 16. My parents used to tie themselves in knots regarding my growing independance .
One major advsntage of having a teen i can think of is allowing them freedom to explore.
Dd is 10 btw.. am i being incredibly naieve?

All teens are different, just like all babies and toddlers are different.

I found having a baby/toddler incredibly easy but I wouldn’t dream of dismissing a mother’s opinion if she found the baby/toddler years tough.

I am very happy to accept that my 18 year old is an adult and would treat him as an adult if he behaved like one but living with a teenager who is rude, unhelpful, uncooperative, scathing of anything DH or I say is not like ‘living with an adult’. I will be delighted when he leaves home to go to uni, assuming he achieves his grades when he seems to think revision and exam prep is totally unnecessary . And he’s not a particularly difficult teen, but it is certainly the toughest part of parenting for me.

Issues I’ve dealt with as a parent to older children:

Sexting, nude photos
Suicide threats
Violent temper tantrums
Use of weed, ketamine, cocaine
Depression
Self harming
Break up with girlfriend, loads of drama
Issues with friends/ bitchiness at school
Anxiety about exams
Minor surgeries needed
Extreme rudeness and generally very challenging behaviour

Give me a 10yo any day!

There’s also an element of that whole parenting thing where parent has a lovely, placid baby, easy as pie and sleeps through the night from the beginning, turns into a toddler who doesn’t ever tantrum or tear around and becomes a young child who sits happily for hours at a time doing puzzles, reading books and playing quietly. Parent is absolutely convinced they are the most amazing parent in the world, until they have their next terror of a baby/toddler and suddenly they realise that it’s the child and their personality that dictates a lot of these things.

Teenagers can be tearaways, terrors, perfect specimens or somewhere in between - even within the same family they don’t all necessarily follow the same script. Largely determined by their own personalities, and also with some allowances for nature vs. nurture.

Mine are both teenagers now and I am finding it the hardest phase of parenting yet. Teenagers are very selfish (and mine are better than some), they are always full, they prefer their mates mums/dads as they are way cooler/lenient (mine prefers his mates dad and his mates say we are OK so cant win!) You know you have to let go but they are naturally trying to let you let go quicker than you can - think starting to allow them to drink/stay out later. You suddenly feel surplus to requirements and no longer important in their lives. List goes on.

We all think of 10 years old as Preteens and going through teenage issues but then you hit 13/14 and you are really going through the roller coaster of their and your emotions. I am hoping we come out the other side still a close family.

To be honest, if I was micro managed as a teenager to the extent that mumsnetters kids are I’d have been kicking off as well

DS1 (who is 15) seems quite straightforward so far. Mostly he just eats and sleeps a lot more than he used to. To be honest though, that kid has been easy peasy the whole way through (starting from an easy pregnancy and birth).

DS2 though, not so much and I am a bit worried about what we are in for with him in the teen years. He is 9 and already prone to dramatics.

I absolutely loved the baby and toddler years but I am finding adolescence by far the hardest part of parenting! The anxiety and the emotional ups and downs are exhausting! Not to mention having to listen to how much you are wrong, ridiculous or even loathed at times.

I've seen several recommendations on the teen threads for a book about raising teen girls called Untangled. There is a sub-section in it titled, Totally Competent, Except For When She's Not which describes how a teen girl can develop a computer simulation of how a protein folds, but can't figure out how to wrap a present. Another example is a teen girl who can organise a school fundraiser for a sick friend but refuses to return books to the library because they are too shy to face the librarian.

I was so relieved to read this because it's exactly like my DD! Half the time, I am really impressed by her emotional maturity and quick thinking, but at other times, bemused by her carelessness and total lack of planning!

This is why YABU op. Teenage development does not happen in a straight line. Nor is it straightforward.

** Nor is it easy!

(Obviously it's not straightforward if it's not in a straight line )

My teen is lovely, much less frustrating and anxiety-inducing most of the time compared to his younger siblings. I think the main reason for that is his personality in part, but also because he has support, he has responsibilities (at home and at Cadets where he does duties with and like adults in the community), and he has boundaries as well as more adult considerations for his desire to do things. He's way nicer and more together than I was at his age when I had almost absolute "freedom to explore".

To my parents, as long as they weren't bothered by it and no one called or talked to them about it, we could do whatever as teens (and, for my younger sister, from around 11 since both my brother and I were teens). They could not wait for us to be adults, I was told that a lot. It might have reduced some forms of their anxiety, but they still had to deal the stress of a teen being arrested and put under house arrest, a teen who went missing for days at a time and regularly on any sort of trip (me), and a not-even-teen getting wasted regularly because 'freedom to explore' without support or experience can often lead to fucked-up choices that cause stress for the person who made them and those around them.

Treating someone like an almost-adult does not just mean 'freedom to explore' and I think focusing on that does teens a disservice. Adults don't have absolute freedom to explore, we have responsibilities, we have to find resources and build & maintain support networks, we're part of wider communities - there is a lot more to adulthood and while it can be frustrating and the new experiences - especially with the first - can bring about feelings of anxiety, dealing with that is part of parenting and adulthood in general.

@Mintychoc1 you just made me cry. That's exactly how I feel.

Yes. A nice theory. The reality is way different. I’m keen as mustard for my children to all transition into fully functioning adults. And I’ve rationalised the difficulties of teenage/parent conflicts as an important developmental phase that makes it much easier emotionally for all when they finally flee the nest. But that doesn’t make the dramas any easier to handle. The drinking, drugs, contraception, mental health, suicidal urges, relationship issues, peer problems, school struggles, the competing needs to fit it but be different, the late nights, the bathroom hogging, the food guzzling, etc etc.
I’m constantly questioning my boundaries/battles and that is different for each one of 4 teens. It’s exhausting. Some days are great - when you laugh at something funny or they share a meme with you or you go out for food/cocktails. But the rest can be very difficult.

Also the different personalities come into play

My 18 year old have never had a problem with -however she's the one who is less worldly than the 17 year old and is the one I could see getting talked into things more easily (however she's also the person who doesn't tend to put herself into those situations)

17 year old is the one who pushes boundaries more (but she's not a bad kid), she will drink underage (never to the point where she's endangering herself to be fair) and I know several of her friends have done drugs - she says she hasn't and doesn't want to - and she's strong enough personality wise that she would say no to anything she didn't want to do.
However in the past 4-5months she has grown up a lot and matured (I suspect this is the boyfriend influence) - I have no doubt that she is perfectly capable of looking after herself if needed (OK the money situation is different with her compared to her sister - the sister saves the younger one messages me with 'could you send me money so I can .....'

15 year old is quiet and introverted and so far no trouble - this may change as he grows int he next year or so

However locally there were massive issues with teenagers where I live (www.walesonline.co.uk/news/wales-news/pontypridd-police-valleys-station-disturbance-16226600) - luckily none of mine were involved - but all knew about it, and it is scary

Great post from Ragwort down thread

I have an aunt who told me she breezed through the teenage years with her large perfect family, her teenagers were a dream she said. She then laughed and told me it wasn't til they were adults that they told her what they were actually like as teens. She reckons if she'd caught them at the time or knew of anything they were up to, she wouldn't be alive today from the stress🤣. They all turned out fine, uni, professional jobs etc.

Starting a thread like this when you don't have a teenager yourself reminds me of all those hilarious 'What ridiculous and unrealistic opinions did you have about babies before actually having a baby?' threads. It's sheer hubris.

Dd is 10 btw.. am i being incredibly naieve?

Yes imo. I thought I'd cracked it when Ds was 10, teenage years nit too bad but fuck me I wish I hadn't been so smug because he's making up for it now at 18!

**not

I can say Hand in heart that parenting teens has been my favourite part of parenthood.
Much less micro managing.
More interesting - as they do and learn stuff that I had no experience of.
They are funny and sweet and vulnerable and bolshy and all knowing - often all in the space of 10 minutes.
I love to watch them grow and experience new stuff.
My top tips are :
NEVER say 'no' if you can say 'yes'
Independent from the first opportunity within reason. Make them do stuff that is achievable.
(Mine did their own walking from 11, made own pack lunches. Had a list of chores) If they don't do stuff.. don't pick up the pieces. They will only have dirty clothes for a few weeks and go without lunch once or twice before they understand.!

Don't PUSH academic stuff beyond their capabilities. YOU may want them to go to Cambridge but if they are putting the effort in and only achieve the local college - be happy for that.

Pick your battles. Very very trite but the best bit of advice. All you really need is for them to keep talking to you and have the confidence to do so. If they think you are going to flip your lid at a bit of dope smoking at a party - then they aren't going to confide in you if they get in to serious trouble with drugs etc.
Mine are now 24 21 21 18,17,17&16 and we haven't had any issues so far. In fact it's all be pretty good.

Ps Teach them to drive ASAP.. that's a life changer especially out in the country !

I have 14&19 year sons. I’ve found them a dream to parent. Both work hard at school and university, I have only reminded them to do home work in year 7 they’ve taken responsibility since. They both cook for us all and clean up, they tidy their room with a little (lots!) encouragement. Ds19 has worked part time since 16, and now is paid an over 25 wage per hour. Ds14 plays rugby several times a week. Both of them, their ‘meet up’ with friends is staying at someone’s home, messing around on the PC,, Xbox, watching films and ordering pizza. Ds19 has had a girlfriend for 5 years, and she’s an absolute sweetheart, and is heading to university in September.

So I guess what I’m saying is I’m lucky, I’ve had no staying out late, under age drinking, drugs, gangs, etc to worry about. We live on a council estate of houses which are actually mostly bought now, and there are very little problems as far as the kids go. Yes there are a handful that you raise your eyes at, but even they are good compared to what you hear in other places.

Being a parent is hard. I personally don’t think it’s all to do with how a parent brings a child up, I think a lot is the personality of the child too. You see this with parents who have 2 or more children and can say child A was a dream and an A grade student and child B is involved in all sorts. Same parents, different children! The reality is no one gives you a hand book the day they are born!!

My oldest is 16 and has been lovely. A bit withdrawn around age 13 but nothing notable. There has been a little sadness and grief as he grows away from me, but that is tempered by pride at who is becoming. You could assume that I am a marvellous mother.

My 13 year old (who was the most agreeable baby and toddler ever to exist) makes me weep. He wants me to be there when he needs something and simultaneously wants me to not exist. He doesn't even say rude things, but his contempt of me is overwhelming.

It takes all my strength not to meet him in that 13 year old turmoil.

There is literally no other relationship in my life whereby I would endure this behaviour. If he was my DH you'd all say LTB. He is my 13 year old son. I have see him through this.

Letting go is hard but what is harder is biting your tongue and loving someone who behaves like such an asshole. It is one of the hardest things I have done.

I also have a two years old. She tires me out, but I never second guess myself.

I have a 15 year old son and a 13 year old daughter. So far no problems. Son is a very warm, chilled out fellow by nature. Very helpful around the house and will clean up his mess when pointed out. No interest in social media or vaping (some of his classmates do this) or drinking/drugs so far. Only issues are he is a bit lazy with study and has started to watch Games of Thrones (told DH) which he knows I will not approve of. Early days of course and it could all go to hell at any time I guess! So far I am enjoying having a taller than me, interesting, funny teenager and far prefer it to the baby stage.

13 year old is v spotty but otherwise untouched by typical teenager cliches so far. Is very anti social media and only one in her year not on instagram/snapchat or whatever. She is naturally private (sellotape over the camera on all her devices ) and has told me if she ever changes her mind in the future that I must tell her absolutely not!

I agree with the old advice of pick your battles. DH and I have a few areas of zero tolerance and have agreed areas we don't consider of any importance (arguing over haircuts or clothes). It is early days of course and one thing I am worried about is first heart break and the hurt that brings. In the meantime we insist on sit down Sunday lunch and family movie every week which is complained about every week and then enjoyed despite themselves every week.

In case I am coming across as Mrs Perfect, my house is very messy and to my shame have never done a photo album (not even a wedding one, ours was very small) and the kids love looking at photos of themselves (on devices and in cardboard boxes) and reminiscing so I feel bad about that. Whoever said they occasionally spring clean their teenagers room, I do that too and the relief and gratitude does suggest it is a real burden for them. Not everyone will agree with this I know but there you go.

to my shame have never done a photo album

This is hands down the smuggest thing I have ever seen on Mumset.
Solidarity Frankel9. May your children always be perfect.

I have parented my own 5 teens and several others, within the foster care system. Teens are lovely (If you catch them on a good day), they are also very self centred, know it all, messy, always raiding the fridge, decide to become vegetarian (Great! Tell me what you need me to buy. I'll buy it. You cook it). That lasts a day... Then they simply have to go to their friends 16/18th party. Nothing in their wardrobe is suitable so they "save" their pocket money to buy the perfect costume (whether they look good in it or not) but hey! They are a bit short so "Can you help me out and pay the £60 shortfall- please mum. I love you very much". After an hour in the party they call to ask you to.pick them up because others have gatecrashed, have brought a load of alcohol and drugs. "Everyone's smashed and I just want to come home. I don't like it. Please mum? The list goes on and on....

Come back and relay your experiences when your 10 year old hits 18 OP. Good Luck!

somanyreusablebags wow that was mean!

The point I was trying to make was I am enjoying having older children and they haven't become difficult overnight. Just luck, probably, absolutely. We also live in the middle of nowhere on a farm which may or may not help.

Maybe you've done me a favour. I have been spending too much time on my phone lately. Leaving Mumsnet.

Love the responses here! I used to teach secondary and it was challenging but i generally liked teens.
I am being over optomistic...Guess im a bit scared. .
I think that my parents were making life hard for themselves as they tried to shoehorn me into a version of myself that wasnt me.
Eg...i wanted to be vegetarian...they panicked and took the piss out of my food.
I wanted to go to a festival...they panicked and forbade it. ( i went anyway.) Dd has been to over 10 festivals with me.
I got a boyfriend...they panicked and were horrid about him and assumed i would get pregnant.

I just think the panicking instead of open discussion backfired.