Vulnerable single mothers preyed on by men

[user87382294757]

I was reading this article on the Times today about more support for new mothers, and underneath was this comment on the article-

"My experience working in child protection services showed me a worrying trend related to this. There's a breed of predatory male who preys on vulnerable, lone mothers. They entice them with the promise of material stability for their child, but become highly abusive, leaving damaged children in their wake, before moving on to the next victim. Improved support for vulnerable mothers would make them more resilient to this kind of exploitation."

It got me thinking about several posts on MN I have seen where single mums are giving up their benefits, tenancy etc to move in with a new partner (who often seems to move quickly, and be 'high earning'). I wondered if this was a 'thing' and if others had experienced it also.

That said, I was preyed on a few times but I have huge walls. Once they realised the game wasnt on, they got bored and disappeared.

@CocktailRarebit
Oh dear sorry your turn 😂

PookieDo
I think we have all worked out what you are.

This is really boring now

Sorry to the worthwhile contributors to this subject I think it’s good to acknowledge and not pretend it doesn’t happen

You had something to say ??

Don’t eat yellow snow

What is your issue? You haven't posted for two years apparently under this name. I think you might have some issues.

I’ve seen this quite a lot in my line of work too. A lot of the time the woman ends up with a few children with different fathers who of course are not contributing to their children, and yet she’s the one who is vilified. Maybe one father does take an interest and this cause friction as child X gets a lot more than child Y, child X gets foreign holidays, designer clothes etc whilst poor child Y gets nothing as Mum is struggling to feed them.

I've been a single mother for ages and I've seen this happen to friends

I also said it would never happen to me - met a lovely man or so I thought and though he was never horrible to the children (in fact they still adore him now), it turned out he had all sorts of hidden money issues and he essentially was using me to cock lodge. And I'm a well educated, financially astute woman. It took me 6 months of him living with us to spot it and when I did, I immediately kicked him out.

These men are hugely manipulative and clever. My dcs are adults now but I also think I would use that Claire's law is it (?) to check it they had a history of domestic violence/abuse if I had younger dcs and I've told all my single mother friends they should do the check.

2 years? I’ve posted plenty over the last few months in this name, I didn’t post much for a few months last year perhaps. Ask MN if you are concerned in any way - report me. I have been a member for a long time and never been banned. I don’t know what you are bizarrely accusing me of, a sock puppet extravagana? I didn’t start the thread and 99% of the posters on it are of the same mindset it’s mainly you who is not.

As a single mother I think this is definitely something that happens.

I think I come across as more vulnerable than I am; I look young, I have quite big eyes and long eyelashes that give me a look of wide-eyed innocence and I'm very soft spoken. I have met plenty of men who seem to think that the words "I'll look after you" are some kind of magic spell that'll make me melt into their arms and immediately invite them to live in my house and I'll be so grateful I'll devote the rest of my life to cooking and cleaning for them and fucking them.

When I politely decline they tell me I have an attitude problem and I'll never find anyone else like them, never stopping to think that a lazy, long term unemployed man twenty years my senior with dubious personal hygiene and little in common with me might not be someone who would enhance my life anyway.

Some women are vulnerable though, because they want to be a "normal" two parent family, because there is a general feeling in society that you have failed if you aren't part of a couple, because they find it hard to cope on their own so they accept the first man who shows them some attention even if he's unsuitable because they have such low self-esteem they don't think anyone else would ever be interested.

Not saying it doesn't happen but I was a low income single mother ( i still am I guess) but I have never dated an abuser and never introduced anybody even mildly negative to my DC. It was their own father who was abusive.

I think the pressure to be one half of a couple is a large part of what makes single mothers vulnerable to getting in to shit relationships, and single mothers are so judged that they're vulnerable to trying to 'fix' that by appearing respectable (ie, being a couple with children)

My father is a pathological abuser. His first wife was a single mother. His second wife (my mum) is foreign and has come from a difficult background. She had left her home country at 17 years old and had no family or support network in the UK. His third partner was seriously mentally unwell but had a council flat which he now lives in alone (he got his name on the tenancy and then abused her until she left).

Basically if you have any hint of vulnerability about you he will hone in on it and exploit. He’s old now and no women go near him so he manipulates the religious man who lives next door.

PookieDo You don't need to defend yourself; any normal poster can see that TopBitch has issues that are nothing to do with you.

I work in a prison and with sex offenders . They will also target single mums, for the sole purpose of having access to the children .

I had no dates whatever with any normal men when my son lived at home. The only men who were interested were spongers and scum bags so I stayed single.

I think the pressure to be one half of a couple is a large part of what makes single mothers vulnerable to getting in to shit relationships

^ This.

Well said LinkedOut and SuchAFunnyBear.

Often, its not even that a woman really wants a man. Its just what you feel you ought to do, just as you say.

“I think it’s good to acknowledge and not pretend it doesn’t happen”

^this^ as PookieDo sensibly writes.

As a single mum myself I do feel both judged my society in a way that absentee fathers are not. Also I think there is a pressure to be part of a couple too.

This is such a good thread OP, thank you for starting it and drawing our attention to this serious issue.
I am from a neglectful, violent abusive childhood and I suffer from low self esteem, and I'm currently a single mum to 2. I have a good job, car and my own house and because of my childhood and I'm fiercely protective of my 2. I currently have a boyfriend of 7 months and he has a little one and has his own home too. It's going very well at the moment but it doesn't hurt to keep your wits about you.
I agree society judge single mums, i for one could not give a fuck, but I also understand why other single mums do what they do, it's tough

My mum moved her partner in within 12 weeks off meeting him/cheating on my dad/throwing my dad out. I was about 12?

He hated me from day one, and made my teenage years shit. I was his scapegoat/emotional punch bag for a long time. He did everything he could to put a wedge between us. They ended up sending me to live with my dad, when I was 15. My gran was my rock through all that (she hated him too). I still miss her terribly (she died a few years ago).

My mum and I were never allowed alone time. I remember we had a special girly shopping trip planned, for bras, when I was about 13. He insisted on coming too. He actually came to the underwear floor with us, and I remember literally crying with embarrassment, and trying to hide it. My mum noticed and asked what was wrong, I asked could he not give us just 5 minutes alone and go look at the mens stuff or something. I was called a nasty, ungrateful bitch, he was paying for our day out, and I was being a brat etc. I had to apologise! It wasn't until later, when she'd calmed down she would listen to me that it wasn't him in particular that was the problem (on that occasion anyway), it was the fact he was a bloke, and I'd have been mortified and asked my dad to leave too. Not that she apologised for turning our girly day, into a date with the kid dragged along like a 3rd wheel.

The way he's treated me has always been justified by his financial contribution. It's like my mum was more worried about keeping up appearances than our emotional well being or bonding with us? She never did understand that I'd rather have had him piss off back to whatever hole he crawled out off, and been dirt poor. I'd rather have had basic one to one time with her a few hours a week, than one "family" holiday a year (where I got blamed for everything that went wrong/ignored for the rest of the time as usual). SS eventually got involved as I was caught self harming in school (or rather the cuts were reported and investigated). I was on the child protection register for emotional neglect/abuse (god forbid I mention that now though, all that was clearly my own fault ).

They're still together now, and I don't think our bond/relationship will ever fully recover. I feel like a stranger in the house I grew up in (that they still live in).

I'm a single mum now, and would rather be single forever, than put my ds through what my mum did me!

I think part if the reason I was on again/off again/on again with my abusive ex (ds's dad) for so long, is that he adores ds, and would never hurt him.

He hurt me plenty, but not when ds was in the house. I knew if I left him, I'd not have another man move in, until ds had flown the nest, and I was afraid of the loneliness. Of course ds eventually started to pick up on things not being right between us/the awful atmosphere/my unhappiness, and ex was caught red handed cheating, so that was that.

I'm much happier now having friends, or the occasional fuck buddy over (when ds is at his dads/grans), if I need some adult company/convo, and a peaceful home, than I've been for years, and ds seems a lot happier too. I'd become co dependent, and had to learn to detach and enjoy my own company and be independent. I fear when my "stepdad" (they aren't married) dies, my mum will completely fall apart .

Thank you for the thread, OP, you hightlighted a real problem.

After 10 years of being on mumsnet I've come to the conclusion that single mothers who get a partner either end up with a cocklodger with no money, or a high earning partner who keeps all the assets in his own name and shags around, safe in the knowledge that he's got nothing to lose.

m a single parent and think all men are basically abusers. When I think about it, they must all be able to sniff out how vulnerable I am. But I don't know how to protect myself or how to meet someone that respects boundaries and is a decent human. I don't see trying to remain celibate as the answer, it's lonely and I really don't want to carry on in life being afraid to trust.

The answer for me was learning to overcome loneliness. Well, we are hardwired to desire connection so we cant overcome that, but stop trying to deal with loneliness by forcing coupledom. I pushed water uphill a few times i admit. But ended up being brave enough to face the world (single).