Vulnerable single mothers preyed on by men

[user87382294757]

I was reading this article on the Times today about more support for new mothers, and underneath was this comment on the article-

"My experience working in child protection services showed me a worrying trend related to this. There's a breed of predatory male who preys on vulnerable, lone mothers. They entice them with the promise of material stability for their child, but become highly abusive, leaving damaged children in their wake, before moving on to the next victim. Improved support for vulnerable mothers would make them more resilient to this kind of exploitation."

It got me thinking about several posts on MN I have seen where single mums are giving up their benefits, tenancy etc to move in with a new partner (who often seems to move quickly, and be 'high earning'). I wondered if this was a 'thing' and if others had experienced it also.

I'm currently doing some work on domestic abuse within my field at work. Absolutely it's a problem. You often find men who've used and abused their way around one area, then find they've made a name for themselves so move to the next town. It's horrific, they leave a trail of destruction in their path.
They pray on the most vulnerable women like parasites.

I'm a single mum. There seem to be a lot of men who assume because I'm single I must be lonely and assume I will say yes to their advances.

It makes me also think of widows. Would be very careful if ever in that situation as well perhaps. Like that writer lady. Does it apply to widows also I guess. Not sure.

It was 'lighthearted' but Hugh Grant's character did this in About a Boy

Well, it does seem to be a 'thing' with guides online about how to spot it for single mums. Here for example. www.dennisadonis.net/5-tricks-men-uses-to-hit-on-single-moms/ and janellhihi.com/2017/06/01/single-mothers-targeted-as-easy-prey/

Love how everyone thinks single parents are downtrodden, uneducated fools who can't look after themselves. 🙄

Who is saying that? Mostly this thread is about the horrible men that attempt it, not criticism of the targeted women.

This is a horrible thread.

I rarely reply to a thread in anger, but this has got me annoyed.

I say that as a single parent with zero family or ex-DH support, while I've brought up my DC.

My self-worth and the integrity of my children is not available to be sold for a few compliments from some git.

I am not vulnerable.
My children don't come from a "broken home".
I am not prey.
I need no sympathy- if anything, my children are being brought up with a model of how to work hard, look after yourself, don't take pity from anyone, be respectful to all but don't allow them to take advantage of you.

FFS....it's 2019.

But no one is saying this! It's a fact that there are men out there who target single mothers. What's wrong with talking about it and acknowledging it? I really don't understand why people are taking offence.

I remain single and have done since my divorce ten years ago. I support my children alone and their Dad is barely involved. I have no interest in a new partner and believe that no loser could get past me. I know what I am looking for. I'm not offended by this thread though. I'm glad it's being discussed. It's quite important I think. Why is it so offensive? It's not an attack. I'm genuinely confused.

Carol did you read the two articles linked in the OP's last post?

It's hard to read them as anything other than a criticism of the "targeted women"
e.g. this quote from the first link...

"So if a guy is in for impressing her by taking up a grocery tab or two, you bet he will quickly earn her trust and the other things that usually comes with it.
And you know what I am talking about."

Yuck

Yes I read them and I didn't take it personally because I know that's not me or directed at me. I think this discussion as a whole is useful.

@CarolDanvers I don’t. There has been a lot of criticism and patronising on this thread of single mothers. I wonder if men are ever judged/criticised in the same way?
They’re not.
In these posts from children of mums got into a relationship with an abuser not one of them has layer any of the blame at their father for not being around.
The constant ‘women put their needs to be loved above their children’ Funnily enough women don’t have a magic ball that tells them whether someone is abusive. They are allowed to want to find adult company & romantic fulfilment, that doesn’t make them bad people.
This site is full of the constant misogynistic stuff that men use against women.

The first one I was with, was referred to as a 'stroker'. I wasn't long single, about two months, and had just cremated my little boy (late missed miscarriage). I was in the throes of a huge breakdown but keeping what little left together for my 18 month old.

In six weeks he had me changed onto a medication which was meant to help anxiety but prevented me from being awake to function properly, hadanipulated me into thinking I was completely dependent on him as he took over doing everything and in the mean time he was scheming with his (female) friend who is met via him but knew online, to leave me. He disappeared on me six weeks later leaving me utterly bereft and my breakdown peaked and I developed the most severe of my health conditions.

I went on to have three seriously abusive relationships after that 'specimen' of a 'man', and it's taken me a long time to sort myself out.

I may be mentally screwed, and physically chronically ill, but I'm with someone who couldn't hurt me if he tried. He is so passive. He's ace with the kids and I'm glad I took the plunge with him after deflating there wouldn't be anyone else again.

I have a friend who is utterly lovely who admits he's a sucker for someone needy, but he just loves to help and be useful and will treat people, help them fix things, take them out etc and he doesn't do it to get sexual favours in return but in the scene he's in men and women are quite fluid with these things anyway. He's one of the best friend I've ever had and I only have to ask, he never expects anything. But most aren't like that and become nasty and want more.

I commented as I was one of these women! I’m not finding it patronising either as it’s true

It’s a particular set of circumstances that led me to be vulnerable and it’s not the same for every single mother. I was very young when I had kids and my partner was very emotionally abusive. I had come from an emotionally and physically abusive father and my childhood was not very nice. I didn’t realise quite how vulnerable this had left me when I met a man who saw I was in the middle of a split where I owned half a house. He was back at his mothers as he had not had the best of luck

I had equity but actually my ex ripped me off very badly he walked away with 15k and I walked away with nothing but debt. This man made me feel like I had a supporter and that I would be ok. That things would work out. He pressured me to let him move into my new rented home making me promises of a lovely family life.

I paid all the bills, cooked and cleaned while he worked (I worked weekends and evenings) and he lied about paying council tax and they sent us a court order which I ended up having to pay. He couldn’t manage his money at all and we very often went hungry

As I already said it went very very wrong and I had to throw him out in the end

There are many men who see single parents as easy prey. I met a guy last year who had a council house of his own - which was in a very bad state. I earn double what he does, he doesn’t really like working and within 1 month he was making comments about one day being able to buy his house and do it up because I would be able to help him get a mortgage . He got dumped. I’m so much older and wiser now

Single mothers are usually very hard working but can be lonely and worry about money. Someone can spot and manipulate that

I think widows and older single women are also just as vulnerable (especially women on holiday who meet younger men!)

These threads always have the potential to be so helpful but the outraged few who fail to see beyond their own particular circumstances.

I’m a single mum as I stated in my previous post but I don’t see this issue as blindly being about me and my integrity 🙄

The fact serious and helpful conversations have to be stilted these days for fear of the terminally offended throwing a hissy fit and not actually thinking outside the little box of their own life, is frankly dangerous.

Reminds me of how conversations about the church here (I’m in Ireland) went years ago! “Abuse in the church?! No no our local priest is a saint, enough of that talk!”

I was a single mum and coping just fine alone but this shit is so scary and depressing!!

I was a single Mum for 5 years. Purposely single after leaving an abusive relationship. Freedom Programme done, lots of book reading and therapy.

The first guy I dated - after 3 years single and not dating at all - (my brothers friend) was one of “those” types. DBro was horrified as he’d not seen that side of him before. It lasted a whole 6 weeks as I’d taught myself well to recognise signs.

It led me to be single and not date for another 2 years.

I am a single mum and dont find this offensive

During my time as a single mum, I have been vulnerable. I have my own house, a decent job, intelligent and strong. I have also been on my knees because my lonely doesnt stretch that far. Desperately lonely. Desperate for someone to put their arms round me and tell me I am doing a good job as a parent. Want someone to share an evening watching telly with. Someone to have the heating on when me and the kids get in. Someone to make dinner for me for once. That makes me vulnerable. However, I have never been that desperate that I would settle for a shitbag. I am lucky I for to the stage where I feel happy to be alone.

Other single parents are vulnerable in other ways

Lots of people are vulnerable in lots of ways even if not a single parent. Some single parents are not.

It is not offensive to say that some men prey on women who are single parents because there is an assumption we must be desperate and try and take advantage. It's a judgment on the men.

I do agree that many people, especially, on MN are very quick to say 'so many women put a man and their own needs above the kids', but fail to recognise that (in a lot of cases) if the father stepped up and actually supported the kids and took some of the pressure, the single mother may nor be so vulnerable.

Absolutely agree I've been going through a situation with my best friend.

She split with the father of her children and got prayed upon my a local man well known as a woman beater drinker and cocaine addict she said he'd changed he was fantastic low and behold he's now beat her up regularly hounded her for money which she gave and left herself and children short and he's been using drugs in her house. There's men are clever and very calculated and know exactly which woman to prey on

I’m always trying to tell women that being lonely is not as bad as they think it will be
Very often this is the main theme i don’t want to be by myself or how will I manage when you see the threads where they want to leave a man

Warning them about the dangers is a good thing, but also reassurance that if you take care of yourself and take your time to recover and get on your feet you will be ok. Those first few months to a year are really hard

My step kids mum went through strings of awful men in their childhood, all very controlling, all moved in within months. She lost houses because of it. She thankfully seems to have sent the light now and has been single for years.

I've now been single for 18 months and would be interested in meeting someone. But I'm never living with anyone again. Ugh, no! I like my independence too much now.

It's very telling that the first question HVs and other professionals ask when they visit me is "so, who lives here then?" And the raised eyebrow when I say it's just me and the dcs. Its pretty much expected that SMs will have moved in some dodgy bloke they need to look out for.

I think a lot of it is down to judgement it’s always assumed I must be struggling as I’m a
Single mum. I feel highly judged tbh in a way I wouldn’t be if I had a partner. So I can see why some single mothers feel they need to meet someone quickly to avoid that. I’ve been single for 2 years since my ex left, I don’t want another man, not any time soon anyway. I’ve never been approached by any men so I can’t say being a single mum has attracted men to me so that’s not my experience and I use to be approached a lot before children. And without sounding vain I consider myself to be attractive but it’s not something I’ve experienced

It’s an important issue that needs to be talked about.
Some sm are vulnerable. Some are getting preyed on by arseholes. Some are lonely and want some Male attention. Some are making bad decisions even when dad is around and move the new man in within months of meeting. These guys are often strangers to everyone.

Not all males/females are the same. But to ignore the issue for those in these relationships isn’t a good thing. Many of us have personally experienced the devastation it can cause whether as children ourselves, or now as adults. Some of it is down to the cycle of continuing what we know - just in the same way that abusive households some children will continue as adults to be in abusive relationships.

As a sp I don’t find the thread offensive. The links are highlighting some of the experiences and letting others know what to look for.

How can it be a bad thing to talk about this? Burying heads and pretending this doesn’t happen to some people doesn’t help anyone. There maybe people on the site who are reading and they are now thinking shit that’s me and my relationship.

And for those and others I will mention the freedom program.

Some are lonely and want some Male attention.

This can be true.

But in my case, when I am lonely. The person I wished I lived with is my best friend. In an ideal world, it would be us 2 and all our kids.

Maybe that makes me less vulnerable and ita been easier to knock back men. The fact that I have a best friend who is like my sister and she is the adult company I always prefer. Even OH knows this.

I wonder if its not always Male attention these women want. They just want someone and if they dont have a good support network, its ends up being a man.

Of course some parents make bad decisions. Both men and women. But I believe that most parents, genuinely think they are doing the right thing. No matter how misguided they are.

Having good friends does make you less vulnerable
As does having a supportive family
The reason abusers can move in on someone is because they lack a good support system
This is a huge issue for single mothers who feel trapped and alone
None of this makes women stupid but it can lead them to making bad choices which they later regret
Of course the fault also lies with men leaving women vulnerable in the first place financially by not paying child support, lack of contact with DC’s etc