Vulnerable single mothers preyed on by men

[user87382294757]

I was reading this article on the Times today about more support for new mothers, and underneath was this comment on the article-

"My experience working in child protection services showed me a worrying trend related to this. There's a breed of predatory male who preys on vulnerable, lone mothers. They entice them with the promise of material stability for their child, but become highly abusive, leaving damaged children in their wake, before moving on to the next victim. Improved support for vulnerable mothers would make them more resilient to this kind of exploitation."

It got me thinking about several posts on MN I have seen where single mums are giving up their benefits, tenancy etc to move in with a new partner (who often seems to move quickly, and be 'high earning'). I wondered if this was a 'thing' and if others had experienced it also.

Yes, I think the point about support was what the original article was making. It was all about support for new mothers in general and how we need more.

Preying on the vulnerable has been a thing since time immemorial - why do you think so many people here have been victims of step parents? (Usually) single women are susceptible to grooming by abusers who want access to children. So many women seen to need a man, it gives them validation, it doesn’t matter if the man is bad or the relationship is bad, having a man is better than no man.

Internet dating has just accelerated the process, the relentless 24/7 message services where it can be seen if you are online, and able to talk, its controlling. The ability to surf profiles and see if there are children, or the use of children to garner trust.

It does go both ways though, there are women who will look for a slightly socially inept bloke who is solvent, move in and asset strip him.

I used to work in social housing and we regularly saw single mothers being taken advantage of by abusive men. Many (not all obviously!) single mums are lonely and suffering with low self-esteem, so attract men who like to be in control. These men play on their vulnerabilities and work their way in.

These men are often the type who cant hold down a job - they're drug addicts/ dealers or have issues with alcohol or gambling, etc - so a single mum with her own home is an attractive prospect. They normally move in early on in the relationship, get their feet under the table. That's when they start to show their true colours.

@violetcharlotte I remember my housing officer impressing quite strongly to not put my husband on the tenancy, I listened to her and when we split up it was lot easier. I am glad I listened.

There may be a "type" of man.

But, equally I believe, unfortunately, single mothers are just more vulnerable (loneliness, financial struggling, poor family support, the list goes on). Single mothers are sometimes confused about coupledom itself, and what the demands and compromises are.

In a way, single mothers have to try to be stronger and compromise less and have higher standards than mothers with partners. Its a tall order, its hard, but its the only way. Unfortunately, women often find out later on, and its a hard lesson.

oh, and I speak from experience, in case anyone thought it was just pure objectivity.

I didn't particularly want to put up with a crappy partner I only half-fancied, but thought it was about time I really tried this "coupledom" thing that every one else had, and if there were a few prices to pay (odd or even unpleasant sex, odd ideas, personality disorders etc etc) well perhaps that was what all couples had to compromise on. Luckily they were short lived and I returned to happy singledom with my son. I also would have liked a bit of male attention, true, but I soon found out what that was worth - zilch. Ironically was pretty happy on my own in truth, but swayed the 'couple society' perhaps to trying to make something work that could never for me personally.

Good thread, OP.

@ WalkingDownMadison
Loneliness and financial are what a single mother looks for?

What a pile of crap.

That is so offensive. I am more than capable of providing for My children, on my own.
Your attitude towards single parents is part of the problem.

@TopBitchoftheWitches
Have you misquoted there because I can’t where this was said?

Just because YOU are a strong single parent doesn’t mean the majority of others are. It’s fucking scary, lonely and overwhelming and frankly not many men in comparison to women ever have to face being a single parent on their own. Throw in youth, inexperience, abusive past and social isolation and perfect recipe to be vulnerable

@PookieDo

I have experienced emotional abuse, financial abuse and then domestic violence. It is so offensive to assume that a single mum NEEDS a male in her life to provide financial support or company.

You have no idea what single mothers go through so stop trying to speak for us all. Don't even mention the men who just walk away.

And who are you to put down other single parents like you have? 🤷‍♀️

Thanks Pokiedo, don't know why the faux outrage poster is so rude and can only see her own real or imagined situation.

You're being ridiculous @TopBitchoftheWitches. If none of this applies to you then move on to the next thread. Why are you talking it so personally?

I always thought life would be easier if I was in a relationship. I'd have more money and the chance to find/buy a home. It made me tolerate an awful lot of crap but fortunately I never involved the children. I finally woke up a few years ago and realized that if I wanted better thiings I needed to provide them myself.
I don't mean by working. I've always worked, but I needed to earn more which is why I'm retraining. This may sound like I only wanted a relationship for its material benefits but this is not the case. Its just that there is a societal expectation that getting coupled up, buying the family home is the way to do things. I now know that there are plenty of women who are and always have been fiercely independent. I just happened to miss the memo. I'm very grateful I eventually got handed it.

Yes this happens - i was preyed upon by such a man who waitrd in the wings and pounced almist the moment i got divorced. He did the usual thing of going in quick and intense - GREAT with DD, wanted to ve a dad, a family of his own, had always liked me etc etc. As i was stuck living with my ex he agreed to help me get a new place.

He managed to be fun for a few weeks but the mask started slipping the MOMENT he believed i had become dependent on him. He started being aggressive to me and 'laying down the law' on what i could and couldnt do.

I do NOT have the time for that shit, delivered a smackdown and never spoke to him again. I feel fortunate he couldnt help himself and showed his true colours slightly too early, before i had truly committed to anything.

I think he was after a slave and punchbag in one. Its quite terrifying how cold and ruthless the thinking is: 'get them sprogged up, then you have 'em'!

@TopBitchoftheWitches

I’m a single parent! I have been since my 20’s!

I really find it sad that you read people’s posts to read ‘single mothers need a man’ because no one is saying that it is the only way this works or how all women think but it is only in recent modern times that being a single mother is not such an outrageous sin and is more acceptable. Women are no longer sent to give birth in special secret maternity homes and there is a benefits system in place to help women. But it was not that long ago it was a shame to be a single mother.

Pressure from your extended family OR a lack of any support can leave single mothers in a very vulnerable place, benefits are more and more complicated and difficult, it is not a flaw in a single parent to consider or choose to find a partner to support their family unit and not be alone just as it’s not a flaw to choose to be alone! Not everyone is able to support themselves physical mentally or financially have you considered that? Perhaps you are in a better place than some other women? So are you judging them?

I find it ridiculous that you are so angry about factual issues. No one is making assumptions these are real life stories from real women and studies based on real women. Should we just ignore them? Or try to help them?

Vulnerable people get preyed on, single mums included. I have been single for around 4yrs now and plan to stay that way as I am quite happy with just me and my dc.
Even if I do get lonely sometimes but, I do still have intimate relationships with men that have an end so I'm still being me, separate from home life.

In the early days after leaving an abusive relationship, I was vulnerable but lucky for me I didn't end up with another abuser but still my bounderies were such that I still ended in a relationship that didn't work or wasn't right. I quickly learned that I was perfectly happy single with my own autonomy. I was never desperate to be in a relationship but kind of slept walked into life as its "supposed to" be.

I could have had more relationships in these past four yrs but I haven't entertained any of them even if I seen the potential or how lovely they are.

It's good the stigma of single mums is dissapating but we should also encourage that relationships do not equal happiness or doing life right. Less people will fall prey that way.

MisfitsMous

Its quite terrifying how cold and ruthless the thinking is: 'get them sprogged up, then you have 'em'!

That sentence sent a shiver down my spine! It IS terrifying how many of them think like that, and dress it up as love.

What the fuck is happening to men? Whatever happened to falling in love?

I was one of these. I have my own home, earn well in a professional position and still got suckered in to a man who has nothing, ended up living with and off me,( stopped even pretending to work) was vile to my children and destroyed my self esteem. But not initially, oh no initially he was just lovely and lovely to the kids too, it was about 18 months in the abuse started.

I was vulnerable, I had just ended my abusive marriage to a drug addict, I had three kids and I was very vulnerable. Do I think he targeted me, yes I do. Was it hard to get out - very. he isolated me slowly slowly he kept me away from friends and family - not good. There should be more of this publicised; I lost thousands of pounds supporting this parasite ...

You only have to read threads on here and other sites, and SOME single mums do say they need a man in their lives. You just have to read some of the threads where within 3 months not only have they found the man but moved in.
These are vulnerable people. To deny/ignore is not the way to go. We cannot just bury our heads in the sand and think that this doesn't happen.
Many of us posting on here have either had first-hand experience or witnessed it.
No-one is saying that all men are fuckers who prey on single mums and equally no-one is saying we are all desperate for a man. It's fab that some are in a position that they don't need the emotional support that is often craved.

Being bamboozled by a high earner is not that surprising. It's the ones who let a cocklodging leech move in with their kids in a matter of weeks that baffle me

@WalkingDownMadison nothing faux about me. Looking after my children, keeping a roof over their heads, feeding them, all by myself.

Why are you so angry about this? All that does is make you look like a judgmental idiot who thinks they are better than other people. You aren’t better than other single mums who have made mistakes just because YOU didn’t get preyed on when you were at your most vulnerable and YOU didn’t get sucked into a situation like people are describing

You can’t judge everyone by what you have done. You also can’t influence and change stereotypes using misplaced aggression!

Look at her name Pookiedo. TopBitch, says it all! The Bitch is clearly best ignored. She thinks she's superior when she only does what most single mothers do! Bizarre. Tbf, I don't think she's quite bright enough to understand OPs actual question, so you're wasting your breath though good for you for not letting her get away with talking bx!

I've known women who have jumped head first into relationships and moved them in.

It's not something I could do. I've been single 10 years, and while life is not thrilling, me and DD get by. I wouldnt disrupt her life and security by moving a random in.

I think it loneliness that makes women do it. Or struggling financially and there's definitely a breed of men that thrive on that.

I would like a relationship but I dont want to live with a man.

@CocktailRarebit so what is it that most single mothers do?