Vulnerable single mothers preyed on by men

[user87382294757]

I was reading this article on the Times today about more support for new mothers, and underneath was this comment on the article-

"My experience working in child protection services showed me a worrying trend related to this. There's a breed of predatory male who preys on vulnerable, lone mothers. They entice them with the promise of material stability for their child, but become highly abusive, leaving damaged children in their wake, before moving on to the next victim. Improved support for vulnerable mothers would make them more resilient to this kind of exploitation."

It got me thinking about several posts on MN I have seen where single mums are giving up their benefits, tenancy etc to move in with a new partner (who often seems to move quickly, and be 'high earning'). I wondered if this was a 'thing' and if others had experienced it also.

As in, it’s not necessarily the single mum factor that makes them vulnerable.

Often it’s their vulnerability that left them as single mums in the first place, you mean?

I think I was vulnerable to this in the early days and I did get really fucked over by a man exactly in this way

He wanted to a home with a live in cleaner, cook, sex etc (ie not his mum, but the next best thing) but I very quickly realised he was completely lying about building a family life. He had no interest in that. He stole money from me, cheated and I had to physically throw him and his stuff out to get rid of him. I’ve had a few more try it but I am wise to it - usually a lot of red flags, secret money or housing problems deeply buried that you find out about or addictions

My job is related to this subject and it’s an epidemic.
I’ve posted quite a bit about this before but I find people often take offense and it’s also something people like to bury their heads about and can come across misogynistic (“why can the father move on quickly but not the mother” etc)

I’m a single mother myself but I am also aware that my child isn’t 80% more at risk because of this fact.

I strongly recommend Anna Salter book and I’ve posted links to her documentary on here in the past too.

• is more at risk- not isn’t!

I'm a single woman NOT got DC (sadly) & I never get bothered by men ever! Even when I go to the pub after the gym.

Why aren't men interested in women who have no children.

I have to go online to get men to talk to me yet I go out & about socially & and work in a place with men.

Sorry.

What do the predators get out of it? Power and control. They get off on dominating other people, preferably those they view as "lesser", ie women and sometimes children.

There are lots of factors that can leave women vulnerable, but given our cultural ideas about knights in shining armour rescuing women in tough circumstances so they can live happily ever after you can hardly be surprised that lots of already vulnerable women would not view a man positioning himself as their romantic rescuer as anything other than fantastic.

We need to do better as a society at teaching people about the dynamics of abuse - power and control - so they can protect themselves. Instead, people go around looking for monsters or men who announce their intentions to abuse or punch them on the first date, because they don't understand how it really works or how predators operate.

If you don't teach people things you can't expect them to know.

(Not that I'm interested in abusive men anyway).

I'm not trying to cause offence or anything like that, more thought it was worrying for the women in question who may not be aware and just think the men are genuine. So they approach in parks and Butlins etc, even knock on the door. I just didn't realise. The article in question was not on single parents / mothers, more about the lack of support in general for new mothers and especially in this country / more recent years and things like Sure Start going.

This is definitely prolific. I've heard men I know talking about doing this. One acquaintance, after his long term relationship break down was quite open in saying that he was looking for a single mother to move in with as he couldn't be arsed with having to find a place of his own. His friends thought it was hilarious and encouraged him.

I've been single for almost ten years. I had one short relationship in that time but he didn't meet my kids and I knew it could never go anywhere. I won't move anyone in with my children, ever, so trying to have a relationship is pointless really.

See introducing a new man is never done the right way.

Some say waiting too long, is pointless, because if the new partner and kids dont get on you either have to end a relationship with someone you care deeply about or ignore the kids feelings and crack on anyway.

If you do it too soon, you dint know the person well enough to trust round your kids etc.

I can see all points of view and see sense in all of it its vesy difficult to navigate which is why I didnt date for quite a few years. When I did date someone, it was someone me and the kids already knew through the kids hobby and then we didnt tell them we were dating for a while. But at least I knew the kids likes him as a person first. I also had access to his crb check because of the hobby. I know it doesnt guarantee he has never done something, but just not been caught. But then that's the same with any childcare provider.

I also think alot of single mothers hey defensive as, single fathers dont get the same judgement.

For example, my exh met and moved in with woman who had 2 kids. They had known eachother, they say 11 weeks, I imagine it was a bit longer but he didnt want to tell me he was seeing someone (he seemed to be under the impression I gave a fuck about him dating someone). Anyway, her oldest child (18) has been arrested for viewing child abuse videos and photos online. My exh lived with theis boy/man and had my children staying there.

I dont think exh was vulnerable or manipulated and he always did his fair share around the house. I think he was just desperate to not be alone. No idea why she did it.

I know it doesnt guarantee he has never done something, but just not been caught. But then that's the same with any childcare provider.

Just read this back and/or sounded like I was with dp because he is a childcare provider. He isnt, I just meant that we cant be 100% sure of anyone who we leave our kids with.

I had a man I met online sleep with me a couple of times then just before my student loan was due got asked for a £3,000 loan towards our future babe, yeah right fuck off. A single mum with a part time job and a couple of kids is pulling in more money than most men onminimum wage, probably has a nice comfortable home and will be deprived of affection. I think this needs stating even if it’s obvious. These predators aren’t always planning to abuse your children but will certainly take more than they bring to the table so you do need your wits about you

Usually I think the first thing to give it away is that their family doesn’t want them back in the family home and doesn’t want to help them anymore
This can really pull on the heart strings of a mother because she can’t imagine doing that to her DC. Can blind you to the reality of what is really going on

I think this rams home the point about treading with caution.

I’m saddened when posters call their boyfriend of a month, their partner and try to rush in at a million miles an hour.

Sadly, I think the perception of single Mum’s can be low in the eyes of some men.

I’m familiar with men who deliberately target single mothers.

They usually have a home that the man can get his feet under, all under the guise of being a nice guy and understanding that single mum can’t always get childcare, so he’ll hang out at her home instead.

I'm in agreement with the posters who have mentioned that what some of these men want is a home, a mother figure, an easy life. There is definitely a view out there with some men, that single Mums are more grateful and more likely to have lower standards. That is not the case, but it is a unwelcome perception. And if someone is genuinely vulnerable, and support has been reduced in parts of the country - it is does leave them open to these parasitic types.

The more I think about it, back then yes I was on my own, but I had my own home in a nice but very rural area and a good job. That would have made me an attractive prospect for someone with limited income and health/addiction issues. Thankfully I was definitely not vulnerable, and therefore completely uninterested, which was met with a little bit of surprise!

I do know someone with older DC...a single mum who is well off from previous divorce and has a large home. A man moved in with her but they aren't married and he isn't on the deeds- he pays minimal rent. It seems to work OK for them, he seems to want an easy life. But he would have no assets or security for the future. Guess he would need to move back in with his parents, if they split up.

Such a supportive thread for single mums @mnhq

Should we just pretend these things don’t happen TopBitch?

Oh I forgot about how we are all desperate for a bit of male attention!! Turned that one back round and told him he was the one chasing me lol.

The holiday park one is horrific. Definitely power trip by the sounds of it, uniform and someone of authority.

Nameisthegame - thankyou.

I know I'm vulnerable because of my mh, but I think because of this and my own childhood this has made me extremely alert to the types of people out there. I am also aware that despite my way of doing things isn't foolproof, but nothing ever is.

And like others, I am often I don't know the word, with some of the posts on here. Not 3 months have passed, they have moved in and the shit is hitting the fan. I really get how lonely it can be, how difficult it can be dating even more so when the dad has dropped off the face of the earth. But it's something I can never get my head around about why the need to move so quickly.

TopBitchoftheWitches - why isn't it supportive?

I hope @mnhq don't pull this thread.

Such a supportive thread for single mums @mnhq* *

How is it unsupportive?

Would have thought it helpful for single mums to be aware of this surely it's not blaming the mums for it. (sighs)

Well this is a depressing thread!

I'm a single parent, I date but have never met anyone worthy of meeting my child. I keep that separate. Can never understand people letting strangers around their children.

Love how everyone thinks single parents are downtrodden, uneducated fools who can't look after themselves. 🙄

My ex-bil has a different girl every week it seems and I was saying to my mum that I couldn't understand why as he doesn't have anything going for him. She said that it's cause he targets something single mums. I'd never realised, but it's true.

When I became a single mum I was very wary of meeting someone like that. Luckily I met someone lovely, but it was a long time until they met.