Vulnerable single mothers preyed on by men

[user87382294757]

I was reading this article on the Times today about more support for new mothers, and underneath was this comment on the article-

"My experience working in child protection services showed me a worrying trend related to this. There's a breed of predatory male who preys on vulnerable, lone mothers. They entice them with the promise of material stability for their child, but become highly abusive, leaving damaged children in their wake, before moving on to the next victim. Improved support for vulnerable mothers would make them more resilient to this kind of exploitation."

It got me thinking about several posts on MN I have seen where single mums are giving up their benefits, tenancy etc to move in with a new partner (who often seems to move quickly, and be 'high earning'). I wondered if this was a 'thing' and if others had experienced it also.

There are manipulative and abusive people everywhere.

They will target those susceptible. Sometimes it's a single parent, sometimes not.

But yes, it the situation, you describe kids get hurt as well.

Yes I believe this - but I don’t really understand what the male partner gets out of it? Control? A mother figure?

Maybe the low income single mothers, yes.

But single mothers can already have ‘material stability’ and not need it from a man.
Everything I read about single mothers is like they need a man to ‘rescue’ them from their situation, which is so not true.

I have experienced at least one dodgy bloke gaining my trust and trying his luck. And i know of his targetting other single mothers in my area. Luckily for me I am very vigilant and cottoned on in time, and I wasn't interested in him 'like that' anyway. Sadly others aren't as vigilant and I've heard of him cocklodging with an acquaintance lp. Obviously, i don't know for sure the details of that, but it has brought home to me how careful we have to be.

I do think there can be a nugget of truth in this. However, I think these women are vulnerable anyway, even if they’re not single mothers. As in, it’s not necessarily the single mum factor that makes them vulnerable. I know several women including ones I’m very close to who lurch from one unhealthy (and sometimes downright dangerous) relationship to another. All are vulnerable in different ways including abusive childhoods, mental illness, DV.... and I guess the cycle continues.

Just to be clear, I’ve been in a longterm abusive relationship myself. It’s incredibly hard to see how bad things are when it’s you living it. I’m hoping my cycle of crap is now over.

There absolutely is a "type" of man out there who targets women with children, moves them into his solely owned property, gets a housekeeper/driver/convenient sex partner, makes the woman financially dependant on him and then sleeps around, safe in the knowledge that he is financially untouchable.

Yes, its definitely a thing and it's very very common.

Also I’ve been targeted more than once by other men who are almost definitely would be perpetrators but none of the others got off the ground. I imagine those men are still at it with other vulnerable women.

This definitely happens for a number of reasons. Partly because of the desire for financial stability, partly because being a single parent is lonely and hard work and having someone to who seems to cares about you as a person not just a mother is very alluring, partly because some single mothers are already emotionally vulnerable having been fucked over by their ex.

I agree that there is a bread of man out there who us not capable if running his own household and so looks for a ready made family that he can move in on without actually investing in the family or even loving the woman. At the same time the woman often gets the company she wants and often it's the children that suffer.
That said single mothers are not a homogenous group and are not all vulnerable to that kind of conman.

This literally my one of my biggest fears, I’m a single mum although I still live with my ex currently. I’m seriously afraid of something bad happening to us if ai try and move on I feel so stuck my dd is so young too. I’ve put the idea of finding anyone on hold.

I once overheard a man saying "I love single mums, they're always grateful. And desperate"

I have seen it in my own childhood, and as an adult in social circles. I've met the predatory ones myself. They seem to want to rush meeting the dc's. They go in quick with talks about the future, starting own family and all that.
It's one of the reasons why I'm an odd one on here who will not introduce until at least a year and like fuck is he moving in for at least another year after that.

It's something we need to talk more about, but I've often found the response is that not all men are like this so don't lump them into one group. I agree that not all men are like this, but conversations shouldn't be stopped.

@theworldistoosmall I wish more parents had your way of thinking my own mum married a man she had only known for a year when I was 3 cue 15 years of living with a man who was emotionally abusive and had bi polar (which she didn’t know when first married) I hate him he seriously wrecked me and my sisters life leaving us with mh issues and de railed my mums life.

Btw she didn’t leave him he basically left him it was so bad I ran away at 16.

I once overheard a man saying "I love single mums, they're always grateful. And desperate"

I have had that. It's like some men expect you to date them based on the fact that they are a single mum and they are asking.

It's a thing. It's not new though. My mum started dating my stepfather when she met him in the park and he offered her money for food to feed me. I was six months old, she ended up marrying him and he went on to abuse me regularly until I was 16 and I left home.

I also experienced it myself when I started to date a man but, social services wanted me to do Sarah's law check on him due to his significant negativity towards social services, it revealed that he had a caution for sex offences. I was horrified and broke up with him on the spot. Luckily, I had never left my daughter alone with him.

Years ago I was a single mother living in the countryside, and seriously I had a few knock on my door to ask me out!! just insane, it was as if I couldn't possibly be happy being a single parent and they were there to rescue me.... their own words. Hum no not in a million years. One kept following me around in the village, telling me how they would look after me & my child.... very persistent and quite frankly creepy, he was a raging alcoholic as well. Not a chance on this planet may have been my exact words in the end, I had to get very blunt.

I've come across women who prioritise relationships with male strangers over the well-being of their children.

Yes, this is a thing. I've seen it posted about before on MN and it usually causes a lot of anger and defensiveness, because single mums get enough shit as it is, and it's as though, when they do make moves towards forming an "acceptable" nuclear family, that isn't good enough either - the new man might be dodgy. It's very much seen as another stick to beat LPs with, as well as adding a nice dose of the patronising assumption that the woman can't chose for herself. I totally get why the subject causes such anger, but it shouldn't - or at least the only anger should be directed at these men. There are plenty of them, and they're lovely until they get their feet under the table. It shouldn't be taboo to say that some LPs will be particularly susceptible to their charms either--not every single mum is capable, well earning, and brimful of confidence.

Women need to learn to watch out for these men, and not introduce the children too quickly, as so many do. I would suggest a rule of thumb for meeting children - whatever you feel is an acceptable amount of time to introduce your partner, double it. Or wait until a year.

I've just returned from a well-known holiday park in the East Coast of Yorkshire. There were many many security guards there within the entertainment and gaming areas. Earlier on during the evenings they do very little, but as the night goes on and the wine gets flowing, you see them trying to talk to women in the queue for the bar, positioning themselves nearer to the tables etc. These women are out with their children, clearly just trying to have a nice evening. I saw one woman with her children move bar areas, yet the security guard followed. It was quite alarming to watch. What makes them think that just because a woman is there alone with her children, that they want to "pull"? It was quite creepy, and certainly not encouraged by any of the women I witnessed.

Yes I have been targeted by men like this. A lot of the time it was for my house, others for sex. I have health issues and they would try and make out they could make my life easier. Luckily I spot them pretty fast

My mum is mentally ill and my childhood was a parade of nasty predatory men

That is part of the problem - whilst the men do target vulnerable women there are also many women who put their own need to be loved ahead of their child's safety.

Yet nary a week goes by that there is not a thread from a lone parent about to move in with 'DP' who just happens to be retaining all assets in his name, demanding an at least 50% split on all bills despite big disparity in income and separate finances, expecting all house and lifework to be taken on by the OP, etc and she thinks it's a great idea. Or they've already done it, are pregnant (because you have to have a baby with every 'partner' you are with) and the partner is abusing her existing kids. If you post that it's never a good idea to make yourself financially dependent on another person when you are not married, you get told 'Life's too short to not live with the man I love' or 'I deserve happiness, too' or such like. Poor kids.

My kids mum attracts and endless string of men like this, had to get a court order to keep them safe in the end.

Thankfully the one she's with at the moment seems a bit better than the previous lot, but it's early days. Naturally she was pregnant within a few months... I sure know how to pick em!