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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DM to leave and struggle by myself.

128 replies

Februaryblooms · 13/05/2019 11:09

I've been ordered to rest and get better after my health took a battering following a hospital stay. (I had sepsis after giving birth among other infections and now I'm home I keep picking up viral infections because my immune system is compromised), im also on beta blockers for panic attacks, am anemic and fatigued following a blood transfusion - basically I look and feel like total shit.

I feel as though I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown and don't quite understand what's going on with my body or mind at the moment.

DP was great with the night feeds the first week whilst we were in hospital but now we're home he's spending the night time playing call of duty rather than being quick to tend to the baby, so I haven't had much if any chance to rest since I came home.

He goes back to work tomorrow so that's my day time support gone.

My DM has spent the past two days at my place to help out with my two DC (16 months and newborn) whilst I recover in bed, except every time my baby or toddler starts crying I can hear her moaning and complaining to herself. She is a moaner in general but this is driving me nuts because it's about my children who are just making their needs known.

"Oh come on"
"For god sake"
"What's the problem now"
"What do you neeeeeed"
"Oh for fuck sake"
"God almighty"

^ this on loop, every time they cry.

My poor toddler is stuck in his travel cot and shes wondering why hes whinging. My DP is comatose after being on call of duty all night.

I'm up after no sleep and getting stressed that I'm not strong enough to be doing everything. It's all a big mess.

WIBU to just ask her to leave? I don't know how I'll manage without her but no help has gotta be better than help that is stressing me out. I've found myself up doing everything in the night anyway even though I have 'help' and then they wonder why I'm not getting better Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Februaryblooms · 16/05/2019 10:34

@TowelNumber42 sorry to hear you struggled too!

I'm so confused about the anemia, as my last blood test showed my iron had recovered but I still feel absolutely bizarre and out of sorts. It's left me wondering why, as if the iron is ok I can no longer be anemic thus my symptoms are unexplainable.

Is it possible for me to be feeling this crap as a result of the anemia, even though my levels have rose again?

Going to raise all of this with the GP today of course, just baffled Confused

OP posts:
Handsoffmysweets · 16/05/2019 10:39

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster
Februaryblooms · 16/05/2019 10:40

Not possible to throw him out, I'm not able to care for the children alone at the moment. Support during the daytime has been better than no support at all.

If he went then my children would be the next to go, once the health visitor or midwife saw my inability to meet their needs whilst recovering.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 16/05/2019 10:44

“Talking to DH about the anxiety as a symptom and needing him to be a superhero temporarily”

And you talk about the “sexist” language used about fathers? When calling a man stepping up to the plate and doing his job as a father a fucking superhero?????

Original poster
Februaryblooms · 16/05/2019 10:45

He hasnt raised the argument (my rant) at all today, he's up doing the washing and getting toddler ready to come to the doctors so It looks like he has (and i hope he has) taken in what I've said and things will be different tonight.

Bit late really though, almost two weeks later.

OP posts:
TowelNumber42 · 16/05/2019 10:53

Blood transfusions cause other issues. The iron is only one part of the puzzle.

You really do need a good 6 weeks for your bone marrow and blood to be regenerated.

It helps to accept that you can't speed it up but you can slow it down.

Like a broken bone or a cut with stitches: the body needs a certain amount of time to do the healing process and there's no getting round it. At present you are doing the equivalent of trampolining while your leg is in plaster then wondering why your broken leg isn't healing fast enough.

Get DH on board as your superhero rescuer for the next 6 weeks. I'm a right old battleaxe but even I gushed to him and anyone who listened about how great he was being. Frankly, if he broke his legs and I had to do everything I know he would make a point of gushing about me, so I'm OK with it.

TowelNumber42 · 16/05/2019 10:54

Yes bertrand. If he broke both his legs and I had to do everything that would be expected. I would step up to the plate. I'd still be a superhero though.

Anothertempusername · 16/05/2019 10:56

You have a DP problem not a DM problem.

TowelNumber42 · 16/05/2019 11:00

He fucked it up and is trying to fix the situation. Vilifying him won't help. We've all fucked things up and had to fix them. It looks like this is a case of two essentially decent people bolloxing up in an extraordinarily difficult and new situation. Getting back on track in only a couple of week isn't terrible imo.

On these boards we see so many posts from women whose husbands are useless selfish bastards. This guy sounds more like a good person who partially mishandled the horrors of the last two weeks but wants to recover the situation. Sounds like it can all come good quite quickly to me.

EKGEMS · 16/05/2019 11:03

Good luck at your appointment today!

Trebla · 16/05/2019 11:11

"Oh come on"
"For god sake"
"What's the problem now"
"What do you neeeeeed"
"Oh for fuck sake"
"God almighty"

I think I might be your DM Blush

Original poster
Februaryblooms · 16/05/2019 11:12

I had a blood test on the 10th which showed normal iron levels but raised red blood platelets, the hospital wanted to repeat the test to see if they were coming down so I had another one yesterday. I'm hoping the results are back today in time for my GP appointment so I can get some answers as to exactly 'what' is causing me to feel the way I do.

I've had two separate infections since the sepsis and strep A, well one virus infection and something a bit more personal. Apparently because my immune system is shot to shit I'm picking up everything possible. Oh the joys.

Thanks for the info about the blood transfusion, that's reassured me somewhat.

DP isn't a total arsehole and he was nothing short of amazing when we were in hospital he spent the entire time by my side and did everything for me and DD. I think he underestimated how poorly I still am, in his mind being home meant being alot better which isn't the case.

Not wanting to vilify him completely, during the daytime at home he has been very proactive. He goes on the games when I go to bed, but I'm drawing a line under it today and saying no more.

He's just apologised so he's been reflecting it seems.

OP posts:
wellballstoyou · 16/05/2019 11:31

show him this thread?

wellballstoyou · 16/05/2019 11:36

maybe (and its possibly a maybe), he hasnt really had it explained to him by someone like a hcp about what "rest" meant? and how ill you are? thats why its hugely important you explain to the doctor EVERYTHING , dont feel a fanny if you cry! Then itll really sink into dp??

Some chaps cant "see it" unless its really explained in bold underline and black and white! Im trying to see it from a man view !
sometimes my dp can`t see things either!!

wellballstoyou · 16/05/2019 11:38

and obviously make sure dp is sat in the doc appointment with you. doc will say somat like "how have you been/ are you"? you NEED to reply "not at all well".........and lead into everything.

If you get flummoxed show doctor this thread and tell him/ her , sorry I`m all in a tizz but here it is in writing.

wellballstoyou · 16/05/2019 11:40

dont be ashamed to crumple up / cry. hcps are fine with it! they need to see how you really are.

BertrandRussell · 16/05/2019 11:42

“Some chaps cant "see it" unless its really explained in bold underline and black and white! Im trying to see it from a man view !
sometimes my dp can`t see things either!!”
Words fail me!

OP- this is an adult human being. Do not put up with any of this sexist bullshit. He is perfectly capable of looking after his children-he has shown he can. He just needs to keep on doing it.

wellballstoyou · 16/05/2019 11:59

some people women included honestly cannot see stuff right in front of them.

JUST BLOODY SAYING!!"!

TotHappy · 16/05/2019 12:38

It sounds to me like your rant gave him the kick he needed. That's good. He's not useless then. I hope he keeps on with it and has truly realised. Good luck at the gp.

PotolBabu · 16/05/2019 16:06

And please don’t be grateful for his ‘help’. He’s their parent. If need be he cares for them 24/7. If that’s what it takes for you to recover then that’s what it takes. He solo parents for 3-4 days for 24 hours a day till you are better. I am not saying it will be easy, but if that’s what the family needs then that’s what it needs. And many many many women solo parent days on end so there is no reason he can’t do it.

BertrandRussell · 16/05/2019 16:09

I have such a bad feeling about this.

myadviceisdontskippaps · 16/05/2019 20:47

FYI, iron deficiency is not the only cause of anemia. Drives me nuts - I have thalassemia (sp?) minor trait, which is supposed to be symptom less but in reality it isn’t and has caused me to be anemic at various times in my life (my iron levels are always completely normal). Very few doctors have any familiarity with it though, so have zero advice on how to handle the anemia since it’s not an iron deficiency. I’m not sure the test for it would be done as a standard though.

Original poster
Februaryblooms · 16/05/2019 22:56

About what @BertrandRussell

Well am now in hospital having tests for suspected pulmonary embolism Sad

OP posts:
AmIRightOrAMeringue · 16/05/2019 23:04

Oh no OP I'm sorry you've got to deal with this on top of everything else as well, hope you finally get sorted. Ans your husband realises how much you need looking after at the moment!

makingmiracles · 16/05/2019 23:21

@feb just to add to the conversation, if you had sepsis it can take as long as 18 months to fully recover, my mum had it nov 2017 and was out of sorts for months and months and only fully over it almost a year later. Hope everything turns out ok and it’s not a PE and you get some more support from your partner.