To ask DM to leave and struggle by myself.

[Februaryblooms]

I've been ordered to rest and get better after my health took a battering following a hospital stay. (I had sepsis after giving birth among other infections and now I'm home I keep picking up viral infections because my immune system is compromised), im also on beta blockers for panic attacks, am anemic and fatigued following a blood transfusion - basically I look and feel like total shit.

I feel as though I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown and don't quite understand what's going on with my body or mind at the moment.

DP was great with the night feeds the first week whilst we were in hospital but now we're home he's spending the night time playing call of duty rather than being quick to tend to the baby, so I haven't had much if any chance to rest since I came home.

He goes back to work tomorrow so that's my day time support gone.

My DM has spent the past two days at my place to help out with my two DC (16 months and newborn) whilst I recover in bed, except every time my baby or toddler starts crying I can hear her moaning and complaining to herself. She is a moaner in general but this is driving me nuts because it's about my children who are just making their needs known.

"Oh come on"
"For god sake"
"What's the problem now"
"What do you neeeeeed"
"Oh for fuck sake"
"God almighty"

^ this on loop, every time they cry.

My poor toddler is stuck in his travel cot and shes wondering why hes whinging. My DP is comatose after being on call of duty all night.

I'm up after no sleep and getting stressed that I'm not strong enough to be doing everything. It's all a big mess.

WIBU to just ask her to leave? I don't know how I'll manage without her but no help has gotta be better than help that is stressing me out. I've found myself up doing everything in the night anyway even though I have 'help' and then they wonder why I'm not getting better

@jgjgjgjgjg

Tell your DH and mother that you will be asking your health visitor what the procedure is to put the children into care short term, since you cant look after them and they have both proven that they can't/wont.

Ridiculous. Empty bluffing is what you’re suggesting.

Soon as DH was in work I'd put his Xbox or whatever he has in the bin

DP needs to go before your Mother does. Granted, your Mum sounds stressed and doesn’t seem to be helping your stress levels out much but it isn’t really her responsibility. Your ‘d’p needs to step up and get his man-child head out of his arse. Grown adults with children to care for have no time for silly games, he isn’t a teenager ffs!

I am 100% firmly in the camp of telling them both to leave.

I am surprised your DM hasn't given your DP what for. I feel sorry for her trying to help, probably overwhelmed and your DP just sat there doing fuck all.

Tell him to step up or step the fuck out. If this doesn't change his behaviour then seriously get him gone. He needs a short sharp shock.

Excuse my late reply

I checked back shortly after posting yesterday but there were no responses at the time, I thought my moaning had deterred replies and didn't check back partly out of embarrassment. I felt a bit of a tit.

DP has been doing alot during the daytime, looking after the children, cleaning, cooking etc. It's the night time he's spending on the console which is still shit because obviously babies need feeding in the night.

My GP has prescribed me beta blockers and sleeping tablets, she made it crystal clear she wants me to try and get some proper nights sleep because I'm at risk of developing other issues, but because of the dynamic in the household I'm not actually able to take the sleeping tablets thus delaying my recovery.

He's formed a routine whilst on paternity leave where he'll go on the console from 10 until 3am under the guise that he's "staying up to feed the baby" when IMO it's a self serving motive.

If he's absorbed in the game he won't tend to baby immediately and that will result in me getting up and doing it my self because I don't want to hear her left to cry. I'll then be up after 3 to tend to her once he's asleep.

Once he goes to sleep after his game he's completely impossible to rouse and doesn't wake to the noise of baby crying.

What I need is for him to go to sleep at a normal time and wake up as and when needed.

I haven't felt able to have this conversation with him because I feel as though he thinks he's doing more than enough and is entitled to some time for himself.

I agree my anger was focused on the wrong person. I posted this after listening to my mum moan for five minutes straight so had misdirected frustration at the time.

Yep I'm the one who's friend asked for money, to the poster who asked.

I spoke with him this morning and said I don't feel strong enough for him to return to work yet, he's taken another week off in light of that but I still need to address the gaming through the night.

I've relieved my mum of her duties and sent her home (kindly) saying she needn't worry as we have got it covered.

She doesn't mean any harm with her moaning it's just the way she is, I just don't really want to listen to it when it's directed toward two little ones who don't deserve it.

I do agree part of it was likely passively aggressively toward him. I'd have preferred she voiced it to him and not the children though.

The poster who suggested I haven't confronted him because I don't feel strong enough to argue is correct. We don't have blazing rows but I just don't want to be falling out when I heavily rely on him at the moment and as shit as he is during the night he's been fantastic when we were in hospital and at home during the daytime.

I am glad you have come back
He can have time to himself - this is not about denying him.
But staying up till 3am is detrimental to all of you and not being able to get up in the morning is poor parenting on his part. He isn’t even actually helping with the baby at night so he’s lying to himself and you about that!
You need to straight up say to him that the time for 3am sessions needs to end and can resume at some point in the future (perhaps a weekend night perhaps) when things are on a more even keel, but the frequency and intensity is not acceptable. Once a week is one thing. Every night is not ok and especially during these circumstances

OP, I'm sorry but what your ''D' P is doing is NOT fantastic, at all. He knows you have been really really ill, have had medical instruction to rest at night, and medication to do so, but he still does shit gaming stuff all night instead of cari g for his children. Which means you are too worried to take the medication prescribed, because you have to do what he should be doing?
That's not what fantastic partners do.

He needs to change his routine as it isn't working for you or your baby.
Hi priorities need to be :
DC
Your recovery
and last on list, tie to himself gaming.

By the sounds of it him doing nights (properly) is an absolute necessity.

So you arent picking him up on it in case by doing so he stops doing what he is to help?

At the moment he cannot do 5 hours of gaming

You seem to have sent the wrong person away, I bet she’d have dealt with the night feeds so you could take your sleeping pills.

Does he know you're not taking your sleeping tablets because you feel he's not looking after baby well enough overnight?

he's spending the night time playing call of duty rather than being quick to tend to the baby, so I haven't had much if any chance to rest since I came home.

Are you fucking kidding me???

Aside from acting like a teenage twat, does he understand the health implications of you not getting enough sleep?

I still need to address the gaming through the night

Yes you do. He needs it spelling out in black and white. 'If I don't get enough sleep, GP has said I am at risk of developing X, Y and Z. You need to stop gaming until the early hours as you don't hear the baby and it wakes me up.'

Would he be playing until 3am if he is at work? Ridiculous manchild.

Take the sleeping tablets. He is then forced to get up and deal with the kids. Stop having babies with this man.

I finally addressed it last night, at 3am to be presice after he brought her through to me then went back on the stupid game

It wasn't a discussion more so a rant on my behalf about how the dynamic in the flat is fucked up. I pointed out that once he goes to sleep at 3ish he's getting at least 7 and a half hours consecutive uninterrupted sleep meanwhile I'm lucky if I get 2-3 and can't take the medication I've been prescribed or follow my doctors advice.

He promptly turned the console off and asked if I wanted him to take her back. I declined because I know he's not going to hear her after being up half the night on that shit, so I kept her with me and told him to sleep on the sofa. It will be a different story tonight I've had enough.

I've got a GP appointment at 1 and I'm so fatigued I'm dreading the trip there and back.

can you take dp to the docs with you and explain all this there. the doc should put him straight!!

your dp isn`t getting it. I think you need to get a health professional (doctor this afternoon for example) to have a "chat" with him.

stop fannying about.

I meant that nicely. Just feeling frustrated for you.

Also second taking DP along with you to the GP. And tell GP EVERYTHING. Hopefully he will tear a strip off your DP. Or at least get him to take this seriously.

Good luck! Also frustrated for you.

Your 'd' p is still a twat. I really hope you don't plan on having more babies with him.

Sell his PS4 and Game and use the money to pay for a night nanny to watch the DC whilst you sleep.

Kick out your loser of a DP and please don't have any more children with him.

Its men like that that make me grateful for being a single parent.

Honestly, what's the point in having a partner that not only does not help you but because they should be helping you means nobody else can support you either, or feel resentful of him if they do?

What a waster

Right, you've had the rant. Now stop being a martyr! I also suffered massive blood loss (bit not sepsis) after baby 1. It fucks you over. An unexpected side effect of extreme anaemia for me was anxiety. This is normal.

It helped DH and me a lot when we realised my weird anxiety was a symptom of physical illness and would go when the anaemia was cured, i.e. 2-3 months.

He went into superhero mode. He did everything and was a super-softie with me. He forced me to rest. He had a go if I got out of bed to tend to the baby when he was on shift. This would have been unsustainable long term (for us both) but was utterly brilliant for us both in the short term.

It helped his mental health hugely to know it was temporary and he could take action to solve it.

Long term I believe it made him a better father and me a better mother. I was forced to not gate keep the baby. He had space to make mistakes and fix them without me swooping in.

It also helped me notice how sexist much childcare talk is. For example , it is encouraged to joke about men being useless and, say, not knowing how to put a vest on a baby and how they did it wrong and you had to take the piss and do it again or tell him off etc. He's an intelligent adult. Let him do it. Let him work it out. Do not rescue. He's not a junkie or alcoholic dad you have to protect the child from.

Take the damn sleeping pills. Put in ear plugs. If the baby cries a bit long a few times, that is OK. If he fumbles around with nappies and bottles and has to redo them, (a) you shouldn't even know and (b) if he tells you, don't treat him like a bad dad or in need of instruction, just have a kind laugh with him about the horrors of looking after a baby.

It will get better.

His reaction last night suggests he wants to support you, realises his self-soothing method (gaming) was doing harm, wants to do better. Good luck and get well.

He's coming to the doctors with me anyway as I'm not strong enough to get there and back by myself. I attempted the shop for dinner ingredients yesterday and ended up with chest pain and a panic attack. I'll get him to sit in on the appointment and I will be making a point of telling the GP that I haven't been taking my sleeping medication and why.

No worries about having more children, I never want to give birth again so long as I live. I would happily have a hysterectomy tomorrow infact I asked for as much when I was in hospital.

Your DM clearly can't cope with looking after a baby's needs after just 2 days so I would ask her to leave. Try not to be angry with her (even though her language to your baby is disgusting). She either underestimated the work involved in caring for a little one and/or doesn't have the patience required.

DH needs to step up to the plate. After all he is the baby's father. He should ration his time on computer games and looking after you and the baby should take precedence. You need to tell him that (you shouldn't have to but obviously you must).

I hope you recover quickly from your ill-health and feel better soon.

That was v long! Sorry.

I left out the key point despite the length.

Talking to DH about the anxiety as a symptom and needing him to be a superhero temporarily, until in 2-3 months I would be back to being me, snapped him into the right way of being. I suspect your DH will be the same.