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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DM to leave and struggle by myself.

128 replies

Februaryblooms · 13/05/2019 11:09

I've been ordered to rest and get better after my health took a battering following a hospital stay. (I had sepsis after giving birth among other infections and now I'm home I keep picking up viral infections because my immune system is compromised), im also on beta blockers for panic attacks, am anemic and fatigued following a blood transfusion - basically I look and feel like total shit.

I feel as though I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown and don't quite understand what's going on with my body or mind at the moment.

DP was great with the night feeds the first week whilst we were in hospital but now we're home he's spending the night time playing call of duty rather than being quick to tend to the baby, so I haven't had much if any chance to rest since I came home.

He goes back to work tomorrow so that's my day time support gone.

My DM has spent the past two days at my place to help out with my two DC (16 months and newborn) whilst I recover in bed, except every time my baby or toddler starts crying I can hear her moaning and complaining to herself. She is a moaner in general but this is driving me nuts because it's about my children who are just making their needs known.

"Oh come on"
"For god sake"
"What's the problem now"
"What do you neeeeeed"
"Oh for fuck sake"
"God almighty"

^ this on loop, every time they cry.

My poor toddler is stuck in his travel cot and shes wondering why hes whinging. My DP is comatose after being on call of duty all night.

I'm up after no sleep and getting stressed that I'm not strong enough to be doing everything. It's all a big mess.

WIBU to just ask her to leave? I don't know how I'll manage without her but no help has gotta be better than help that is stressing me out. I've found myself up doing everything in the night anyway even though I have 'help' and then they wonder why I'm not getting better Sad

OP posts:
wellballstoyou · 13/05/2019 12:59

OP get in touch with health visitor and get her to come round when dh is there to listen (any reason/ truth). When hes being talked to (hopefully sternly ;) ), hell take heed and be a blooming parent and not a teenage boy!

Sounds like your poor old mum needs a break herself. What about MIL? can you talk to her? explain? she may give him the boot up his arse!

Omzlas · 13/05/2019 13:00

The main issue isn't your mother - it's your selfish and fucking useless 'D'H. He needs to step up and take care of his family.

Your mum sounds stressed and it isn't right to speak to a toddler like she is, but maybe she's just biting her tongue because your husband should be helping (I'm using that word loosely) because it's HIS responsibility and not hers. Especially when he's at bloody home, as opposed to working away, doing overtime etc etc

Take away the cables or controller to his console until he realises that you need him more than a sodding game. Get him doing something with his opposables that doesn't involve shorting imaginary people

EmeraldShamrock · 13/05/2019 13:01

You need to kick ass. My DP is a pt gamer, if he left me to do it all, his console would be dumped.
Oh OP you have went through the mill. Your DM is very unfair.
We see who our real support is when we need them.
I hope you get well soon OP. Flowers

fedup21 · 13/05/2019 13:02

This has nothing to do with your mother. Your DH is being a complete arse.

Have you asked him why he’s spending his paternity leave fucking about on the computer instead of parenting his children?

Hearhere · 13/05/2019 13:04

Your partner is a waste of space piece of shit
I would beat him about the head with this computer, not literally but metaphorically
he's the one in the wrong here

EmeraldShamrock · 13/05/2019 13:04

DP needs to change big-time, if he wants to act like a child, treat him like one.
Change the Wi-Fi password and ignore him.
I know you don't need the added stress, Your DC will be fine, concentrate on getting better.

PodgeBod · 13/05/2019 13:08

Channel your frustration at the useless man who is supposed to be taking care of his own kids. If he was doing what he was supposed to you wouldn't need your mum to help.

qazxc · 13/05/2019 13:09

Your anger is misdirected, if DP was pulling his weight instead of playing computer games you could rest and not be so stressed (and possibly not need DM).
As it is, you can't look a gift horse in mouth so have to put up with your mother's annoying habits.

Orangecake123 · 13/05/2019 13:12

I think the biggest problem is your DP first. I'd have a word with your mother it's not nice to talk to a child like that.

arethereanyleftatall · 13/05/2019 13:12

So, to clarify; your mil, despite moaning about it, is actually helping; whilst your children's father who chose to have the babies, does fuck all; and it's your mil you're angry with?!?

Celebelly · 13/05/2019 13:15

Was your partner this bloody useless with your first? My DO is a huge gamer, but he hasn't once played games in the first three months of our daughter's life when he could have been helping instead. Your mum may be moaning but at least she's bloody helping.

Cookit · 13/05/2019 13:16

I’d be so embarrassed if I needed my Mother to help look after my children if my DP was around and just playing video games instead.

PregnantSea · 13/05/2019 13:17

Your mum sounds unhelpful, yes, but at the end of the day this isn't her responsibility - she's just stepped in for extra support. Your DP is the one who should be bearing the brunt of this situation. Tell him if he doesn't shape up and start being a parent to his children then you will just have to figure out how to manage without him.

Is it possible that your DM is moaning audibly because she's trying to give do a kick up the arse? It still doesn't make it right but that was my first thought upon reading your post...

BertrandRussell · 13/05/2019 13:17

Is your mother directing her grumbles indirectly at your P? Because if I were her I’d be properly pissed off.

PregnantSea · 13/05/2019 13:19

*give DP a kick up the arse, not do...

wellballstoyou · 13/05/2019 13:20

I agree dm is in her own subtle way telling you to sort your dh out.

myhamster · 13/05/2019 13:20

When I first read it, I thought that you said your DP had been on call all night and my first thought was why hasn't he taken Paternity Leave, then after reading other posts, I see you have said he was playing COD all night.

I agree with everyone else, he needs to grow up and help you with the baby. He can't stay up playing games all night and let your mum do everything, no wonder she is pissed off.

PodgeBod · 13/05/2019 13:26

OP is it that you arent feeling strong enough to get into a row with him right now? It seems in your opening post that you know how bad his behaviour is. I'm impressed your mum has held her tongue with him.

Breezy1985 · 13/05/2019 13:27

Your post took me right back to when mine were newborn/15 months, even down to the 'dp'
He's an ex dp now, for those reasons. Your mum is probably angry frustrated with him more than anything, though I agree she's going round it in the wrong way. Get him to ditch the games and pull his weight or get rid, you really don't need a grown up child to look after too.

Namestheyareachangin · 13/05/2019 13:28

Ironic he's so obsessed with Call of Duty, since he clearly has no sense of it. Wanker. Tell him your mother is going home, you are going to bed in the spare room, and he needs to shift his arse for night wakings because you are SICK. Any complaints tell him he can fuck all the way off out of the house as he is no sodding use nor ornament. Angry

What is it with these men-children? Was he this bone idle with your first child?

SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 13/05/2019 13:31

Cut the leads to whatever console dp is playing- and I wouldn’t normally say something like that. He is being an idiot. Why haven’t you had it out with him by now? How old is he? Because I know when exdp became a dad at 19 the first thing he did was pack up was his games console as he wouldn’t have time between our ds and both of us at university, to play it.

Quartz2208 · 13/05/2019 13:31

Seriously she is probably thinking how on earth did my daughter marry such an idiot

He needs to step up OP now - I read your posts you nearly died unless he takes care of you you will end up back in hospital

CassandraCross · 13/05/2019 13:32

Both your DP and DM sound absolute wastes of spaces, I wouldn't want 'help' from either of them.

However, you do need help your recovery depends on it, is there anyone else who could assist?

I would pull your mum up on her attitude towards your children, it's not helping you it's making everything more stressful. Ask her outright if she wants to help you and if she thinks her behaviour towards your children is actually helping.

Ask your dp if COD is more important to him than his partner and children and if he thinks he is behaving as a partner and husband should in this situation. I couldn't have him as a partner any longer after this, when times are tough you truly find out what people are like and who you can rely on.

WillLokireturn · 13/05/2019 13:33

What does your DP say when you ask what the fuck he’s playing at?? Presuming you have? It’s him who is massively letting you down.
This ^^ but without the suggestion it's your job (or in any way your fault) to sort out DP. Your DP is not acting as a responsible father, playing on COD all night and not helping especially as you are ill.

You do need to send DM home, she's not coping. And tell DP he has got to step up. He shares nights, even if going to work. You are unwell. And these are his DC too!!!
I really feel for you xx

jgjgjgjgjg · 13/05/2019 13:38

Tell your DH and mother that you will be asking your health visitor what the procedure is to put the children into care short term, since you cant look after them and they have both proven that they can't/wont.