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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DM to leave and struggle by myself.

128 replies

Februaryblooms · 13/05/2019 11:09

I've been ordered to rest and get better after my health took a battering following a hospital stay. (I had sepsis after giving birth among other infections and now I'm home I keep picking up viral infections because my immune system is compromised), im also on beta blockers for panic attacks, am anemic and fatigued following a blood transfusion - basically I look and feel like total shit.

I feel as though I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown and don't quite understand what's going on with my body or mind at the moment.

DP was great with the night feeds the first week whilst we were in hospital but now we're home he's spending the night time playing call of duty rather than being quick to tend to the baby, so I haven't had much if any chance to rest since I came home.

He goes back to work tomorrow so that's my day time support gone.

My DM has spent the past two days at my place to help out with my two DC (16 months and newborn) whilst I recover in bed, except every time my baby or toddler starts crying I can hear her moaning and complaining to herself. She is a moaner in general but this is driving me nuts because it's about my children who are just making their needs known.

"Oh come on"
"For god sake"
"What's the problem now"
"What do you neeeeeed"
"Oh for fuck sake"
"God almighty"

^ this on loop, every time they cry.

My poor toddler is stuck in his travel cot and shes wondering why hes whinging. My DP is comatose after being on call of duty all night.

I'm up after no sleep and getting stressed that I'm not strong enough to be doing everything. It's all a big mess.

WIBU to just ask her to leave? I don't know how I'll manage without her but no help has gotta be better than help that is stressing me out. I've found myself up doing everything in the night anyway even though I have 'help' and then they wonder why I'm not getting better Sad

OP posts:
mistermagpie · 13/05/2019 13:39

Your DP is the problem here, not your mother. Hand on heart I would be asking mine to leave if he was doing what yours is, he should be ashamed. With the best will in the world, your mum probably is fed up of seeing him lazing about that's why she's grumpy, no wonder. You need to talk to him because he is no partner and no father just now.

Karigan195 · 13/05/2019 13:41

I’ve been in your shoes OP with a gamer husband who thought it was fine to stay up to 3am then sleep in until lunchtime whilst I did everything after just leaving hospital from a c section. He’s now an ex. It’s easier to just manage by yourself without the resentment towards a useless waste of space than it is to manage by yourself whilst watching your partner leave it all up to you.

He needs talking to and some ground rules setting or I would be asking him to leave.

Expecting again and my new partner is entirely different. He likes games but is there if I need him, pulls his weight and I have no complaints. Yesterday he read the baby book then told me that I’ll need to get plenty of sleep post birth so he’ll care for looking after baby whilst I sleep.

Schuyler · 13/05/2019 13:42

YABU. Your poor mum is probably furious she has to help when there is a perfectly capable adult who is the parent of these 2 small children. He’s the problem. What will you do if she goes home.?

PJMasksAreOnTheirWay · 13/05/2019 13:44

Totally not understanding why the focus of your anger is your DM rather than your useless DH.

Getoffamycloud · 13/05/2019 13:50

Is there a chance that your Mum does not realize that she is thinking out loud ?Just speak to her about it.

BasilTheGreat · 13/05/2019 13:51

I have to agree with the above comments. You have a man- child. A man like that would be complete turn off for me and there would be no more children! Grin How can you respect a man like this?! Your mum is probably at her wits end with your DP!

Justaboy · 13/05/2019 13:54

So sorry to read this Feb but as others have said I think you must appeal to your DH to pull his weight a bit more for longer and then maybe your mum will quieten down. And stop swearing at innocent children!

Its a real PITA situation as right now you need all the help you can get and you aint getting it. Any possibility your HV can get some help to tide you over at all?

OwlBeThere · 13/05/2019 13:55

I’m with @soydora, maybe her whinging is about trying to kick him into shape.
you are bloody lucky to have a mother willing to drop everything to come and stay with you and i’d be trying a big harder to cut her some slack. 2 kids of that age is hard work.
Your issue is not with your mother, but your useless fucker of a dp.

FireFighter999 · 13/05/2019 13:59

Tell your DH to get off his arse and look after his kids. As for your mum, you heard her moan, so what?
After having sepsis, 6 blood transfusions and a 8 hour Emergency operation to save my life, i know exactly how you feel. Take every bit of help you can get and literally rest until your body tells you.

FranklySonImTheGaffer · 13/05/2019 14:01

Take x box / PlayStation control and put it in the laundry basket.
Call your health visitor and tell them anything
Let HV speak to them
Sit back and see if it helps

I think you're all having a hard time and it must be hard for you to think straight. You need proper support and a plan of action to get it.
Maybe remind them that if they don't let you rest properly, you could end up out of action and they'll have no choice but to get it together!

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/05/2019 14:09

Take the console, turn the oven on. Cook for 15 mins. Problem solved. Ok not serious but I concur that you’re directing your anger at the wrong person.

Sexnotgender · 13/05/2019 14:13

Why is your partner playing bloody video games rather than looking after his children and wife?

That’s disgraceful.

PJMasksAreOnTheirWay · 13/05/2019 14:30

Are you the poster who’s friend asked you for money?

I wonder if you have trouble sticking up for yourself and like to keep the peace.

NameChangedNoImagination · 13/05/2019 14:36

Call up one of his responsible friends and tell them exactly what he's doing. Responsible friend should ring up and give him what for, and kick his arse into gear.

EKGEMS · 13/05/2019 14:49

OH MY GOD!!! I came home 12 days after my emergency c section post op two major surgeries,sepsis,DVT,MRSA,nephritis couldn't be fully independent for 90 days and my baby came home on day 42. Without my DH and the visiting nurse I'd have never come close to providing adequate care and that's one baby not three because I consider your fucking idiot husband a toddler!!!
Is there anyway you can get a sibling or an agency nurse to attend or a babysitter? Best of luck-it will get better and this will be a distant bad memory some day. Thanks

PJMasksAreOnTheirWay · 13/05/2019 15:03

Is there anyway you can get a sibling or an agency nurse to attend or a babysitter

Or the DH could get off his PlayStation. The OP doesn’t need a nurse, she needs her family to step up so she can rest.

CalmdownJanet · 13/05/2019 15:06

I'd ask your partner to leave before your mother, useless sack of shit that he is! Your mother is wrong too but she's probably fucked off because the kids father is useless and that must be hard to stomach

CanBlondesWearMustard · 13/05/2019 15:16

I'd be asking the dp to leave before the mother. How ridiculous. He's playing games letting the ill parent and the not even a parent do the work while he, the only healthy parent, takes a rest.

BasilTheGreat · 13/05/2019 18:28

Change the WIFI password 😐

PookieDo · 13/05/2019 18:49

Another one who votes this is mainly your husbands fault. Your DM is obviously feeling really fed up but it’s not fair for her to talk to DC like this, but in all seriousness why do you need her there when you have DH?

justilou1 · 14/05/2019 09:04

PlayStation needs a bath - STAT!

Ihatehashtags · 14/05/2019 09:58

And as per usual when the OP doesn’t like the answers everyone is giving her, she pulls a David copperfield

mogtheexcellent · 14/05/2019 10:53

Your DP is a twat.

livefornaps · 14/05/2019 11:23

Send his games console on a commando mission - out of the window

OneStepSideways · 14/05/2019 11:37

Can you afford to pay for help, eg part time nanny or a mother's help? Or even just a babysitter to entertain your older one while you focus on the baby?

Or do you have a friend who could come and stay and help out?

Not unreasonable to ask your mum to leave if you have other help lined up. But be careful you don't dismiss her then find you can't manage. Moaning at the babies would irritate me too, but maybe she's finding it all too much?

I think your DH needs to step up and help more. Mine also went on a computer game binge after DD was born but for the first month it worked as he did all the night feeds until 2-3am (he kept DD's Moses basket next to him in the study and paused the game to feed/change her. I was expressing as well as bf so had bottles lined up ready in the fridge!

Be really clear about what you need people to help with, set specific tasks if you have to. You need to rest physically so try to delegate stuff like cooking, laundry, some of the nappy changes, baths etc.

Get well soon!