How to get rid of neighbors kid!!

[AnnaSteen]

We live in a small estate, about 3 years now and get on fine with our neighbors in that we drop round a Christmas card and say hello when we see them - they sometimes take in parcels for us as they are usually at home and we work in the city. They have kids And the youngest is around 10. We don’t as we’re only early 30’s! We have friends who live nearby who come to visit frequently with their DD who has just turned 3. Recently the neighbor girl has started knocking to come up when they come to visit to play with the little girl or just comes straight into our garden from the side gate. She stands on a ladder looking into our garden to see who is there and if it’s the child visiting shouts can she come over. We didn’t know what to do the first two times - one of which she let herself in. They’re coming to visit us later today and the girl has already been on her ladder looking into our garden!!! I want to stop this before it goes any further but don’t know how and also don’t want to fall out with neighbors (although I can hear them in the garden too while she’s looking over our hedge from the top of a ladder and feel it’s a bit ridiculous they don’t tell her to get down!) any advice? Myself & DH are not good with confrontation! We feel like we’re being held hostage in our own home by a ten year old!!! Last week we told our friends we’d go to them instead as she was hovering around our driveway like she had a 6th sense we were planning to meet! I’m fed up with it!

@TheBigFatMermaid It really helps A LOT when you read a thread properly. The child in question is TEN, not three. The ten year old is knocking and peeking over a ladder wanting to play with OP's friend's 3 year old child.

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Whilst I'm all for communities etc, when I was younger playing out was such a normal thing. Nonetheless, we were taught boundaries and to never go and intrude. We would never be rude or disrespectful and respected when told no.

The OP is not obligated to watch over her neighbour's 10 year old, yes she may be lonely and so on, but when her friend's are around I am sure she, just like most of you would like some time to herself without having to be concerned with a child that she doesn't have to be concerned about. The parent's need to instil some manners and boundaries for sure. Everything in moderation and being respectful is key. Teaching our children to be entitled and that they can be nosy and bother our neighbours is just rude.

OP, you dealt well with the girl today, for the long term do politely mention to her parents that you do find it uncomfortable that their daughter looks into their garden by climbing a ladder constantly and that you worry she will hurt herself, please can they ask her to be careful and not do this. Furthermore, you have noticed she likes to play with your friend's 3 year old, and you will yourself invite her over to play if it is a good time for her to come around. Hopefully that will trigger something with her parents and teach them to teach her some simple manners.

Communities are built on trust, respect and understanding. They are not built by being disrespectful, entitled and rude. Lasting good relationships with neighbours are those where boundaries and privacy is respected.

your garden*

”It's part of the joy of a community in mucking around with neighbours friends and their children...."

I don’t want the “joy of a community” thanks. I have my own friends and my home is my private castle. This sounds horrific.

I think next time if it happens again just say in a nice way awww she’s not feeling very well today or her mommy needs to feed her so she can’t play today.

Some people here are saying what’s the problem. I completely get you want to relax and have a good catch up without babysitting the 10 year old. I was on a flight where a probably 10 year old started feeding my 1year old her dads water, giving her too old toys etc it was exhausting to watch and keep involving in!

Keep the gate locked.

I don’t want the “joy of a community” thanks. I have my own friends and my home is my private castle. This sounds horrific.

This made me laugh, but actually I agree. My innards shrivel at the thought!

I totally agree with everything said in the last four posts I've read following my previous one. Its lovely to see that most of you out there agree that this is all a matter of this 10 year old learning manners and respect, particularly in regard to respecting the privacy of others, including neighbours.
I agree, this "joy of a community" philosophy does sound horrific. Its all on the terms of those pushy and controlling individuals who want to take over and dominate proceedings. How about being on the terms of those people (probably most people?) who just want to be left alone to enjoy their own home, family and friends, without these kinds of gratuitous, disrespectful, rude and completely thoughtless intrusions? Again, what are the girl's parents doing in order to correct their daughter's inappropriate actions and behaviour? I suspect very little if anything.
I have three grown up children; one older teenager and two in their late twenties now. I'm not saying they might not have behaved in such inappropriate ways at times when younger children, but they were certainly taught that certain behaviours are wrong, and would generally not repeat them, having had it explained why you cannot do certain things. Preferably, these life lessons should happen when the child is young, because there will become a point inevitably where any intervention by parents is too late. It's getting a bit late in the day for this ten year old girl, who at this point should have learned boundaries, but who clearly thinks such intrusive behaviour is acceptable.

I don’t want the “joy of a community” thanks.

I wasn't talking about the joy of a community for you or for adults!! This isn't about that. I was talking about children. It's a lovely think to find neighbourhood children and nearby children to go out to play with.

It's very very sad that we have evolved into such an isolated closed society.

Forty years ago, all the kids on the street would have known each other and each others parents being going out in the afternoon, before dinner, playing around, developing social skills through playing with a different mix of kids and learning about risk and danger through play. The difference between climbing a tree in your neighbours garden and stuck inside on a playstation.

There's a thread on this topic on twitter on the moment that goes something like:

Dad today to 10 year old: take your phone to your friends house and text me every 30 mins to let me know you are alright.

Dad as a child to his mum: I'm going with my friends to play in an abandoned quarry.
Mum: Dinner's at 5pm. Make sure you are back in time.

It's a nice thing for children to be able to just pop round (both ways either themselves or for friends) to come out to play.

All of this sounds a bit precious to me. It's no odds to you whether you have enough friends or don't want to get involved socially. To a lonely little girl for a couple of years, it's a huge deal.

• a lovely thing.

But it’s not up to childless OP to be involved in that. The three-year-old is only visiting so won’t benefit socially from it because as she gets older she’ll have her own friends and socializing in her home.

It’s perfectly ok for OP not to want someone else’s kid in her garden during a brief visit from friends. Especially when the kid needs supervising as OP has said!

And I say this as the person who’s garden seems to have become the meeting place for all the kids on my road!

I don’t mind though because my children live here and enjoy having their friends around! Plus they’re old enough to play without too much supervision.

Everyone is entitled to their own way of life, so if that means not wanting uninvited intrusions, then we are allowed that! Lets not forget this little child is three and not old enough to decide the appropriateness of the situation. Therefore, what the adults choose is what counts.
Also times have changed, and we are not as safe as we maybe were as kids back then, at least relatively speaking. I grew up in the 1950s and 60s. The world is a very different place now.

I have 2 children and would tell them straight away for being nosy if I caught them looking over next doors hedge.. just tell her no. Be to the point but not horrible if her mum then does have a problem the problem would be hers for allowing this in the first place x

I wasn't talking about the joy of a community for you or for adults!! This isn't about that. I was talking about children. It's a lovely think to find neighbourhood children and nearby children to go out to play with.

OP’s friend’s kid isn’t a neighbourhood or nearby child who can play out in the street, she’s an occasional visitor who is only 3 years old, and every time she’s there the kid next door rocks up uninvited like Lady Macbeth and basically has to be babysat by the adults who just want to spend some time with their friends!

I would politely and calmly ask your neighbours to stop their child climbing up to look over your fence as it’s an infringement of privacy and explain that, as a childless couple by choice, you don’t want their daughter coming round UNINVITED. It’s a perfectly reasonable thing to ask. Don’t be a wuss about this or they’ll soon be moving her in with you!

Having read recent comments, it all makes perfect sense to me. I completely agree. I do like the phrase 'infringement of privacy', this sums up the whole situation perfectly. Most people (and not just those on this thread; I've spoken to some of my own family, friends and teaching colleagues about this issue as well) seem to agree too. There will always be a minority who think this intrusive behaviour is normal and therefore acceptable. It is neither of these! Also, the girl may be lonely, but just to reiterate what I've already said, this is not the responsibility of a neighbour to remedy this, it is down to the girl's parents. Also, does this 10 year old not have friends of her own age? If not, that certainly is not normal and is rather sad. Indeed, it may point to a wider problem with the girl's interpersonal skills (or lack of) in terms of social interaction generally.
But, whatever the case, just leave the OP and their family and friends alone to get on with their own lives. I wish the OP all the very best, and no doubt there are others out there with similar stories to tell who may have picked up on this thread.

We have just moved to a house where the neighbour have one of those massive tp climbing frames up against the boundary fence. The 6 year old girls spends every opportunity staring into our garden and family room shouting at my children. We’ve politely asked the neighbours to move it away from the fence and they e refused saying my children are rude ignoring her. They are now refusing to speak to us and letting her continue, how best to proceed we feel like we’re in a goldfish bowl?

@frowner if the parents are ignoring you confront the child. Tell her she is to stop shouting for your children and that if she continues to be so rude she won't be allowed to play with them at all.

And then have an elaborate cake picnic in your garden.

We have tried that and tried ignoring her but she doesn’t relent unfortunately. My children now hate going in the garden. Think we will need to invest in some screening if the neighbours don’t want to be amicable about it. I guess I could approach the council but that could cause further issues given their response to a polite request.

Sunbathe nude in the privacy of your own garden. If they object to their sprogs being exposed to your bare flesh then they need to stop them looking, ie move the climbing frame.
Alternatively plant something with large thorns on your side, trained onto the fence.

Love that idea but not brave enough! Any suggestions for fast growing screening?

Frowner buy a sun shade and erect it in a way that blocks the view into the garden. Lidl have one for sale for £15 if you have some trees you could tie it off onto them. Not a structure so no planning required and no waiting for plants to grow.

Morrisons had large, around 8ft tall bamboo in pots £20.

Thank you for the suggestion will have a look in Lidl, don’t have trees to tie it to though so not sure if that would work. Trying to picture how to angle it to stop peering over or under it!

Will go to Morrisons as well many thanks!

Bamboo is a good screen but do not plant in the garden, keep it in pots.