to keep nagging DH over his drinking

[roaringespresso]

Very brief background, DH had an accident at work over 2 years ago that has left him in constant pain and depression and anxiety as a result. He was made redundant a few months as a result of the accident. Mentally he is not able to back to work and physically he can no longer do the job he has done for the past 20 years.

His life has changed dramatically and he has become socially reclusive as his injury means he can no longer do the physical things he used to. i.e. hobbies etc. His mental health means he finds it difficult being around others. He is undergoing treatment for all of this and has been told his injury is probably life long.

We have 2 preschool children and I work part time in an admin role. Now he's not working we have to rely on benefits to top up our income. I am looking into studying to gain a qualification in an area I'm interested in as A. we need more money and B. DH is around to look after the children to allow me to study. I couldn't have done this if he was still working the hours he did previously.

The past couple of years have taken a toll on us, understandably. I also have depression and anxiety and have been on medication since being on mat leave with my youngest. I have been trying very hard to get my mental health in a better place and have done this through counselling, better diet and exercise. Along with mindfulness. I know what makes me feel better and I try to stick to this although it is difficult at times and find myself slipping as stress is my trigger.

DH seems unable to help himself in any of these ways and expects a quick and easy fix although, for obvious reasons, this doesn't work!

He's finding it hard being with the kids all day and has always been terrible at managing his time so complains he doesn't have time for himself. I give him lots of advice on different ways this could improve as he does have a lot of time to himself when the kids are at nursery but he doesn't do anything with it.

He's always been a big drinker and it is something I've broached a lot of the years even before the accident. I was too and still have blow outs myself more often than I should however I am no where near where I was and his is getting worse. I've talked and talked to him about this and nothing ever changes.

He says he needs it to help him sleep because of the medication he is on. And also because of the pain he is in. He also says he drinks to make himself numb.

Currently he's drinking heavily probably 5 nights out of 7. He gets very drunk. An example being Tuesday night when the football was on. I came home at 9pm from work and he was very drunk and shouting and swearing at the tv. The kids were awake upstairs in their bed with their tablet. I went straight to my bed as I could not be bothered dealing with him. He drank a litre bottle of (my) white wine and also a litre bottle of his red. He has never drank white wine in the whole time we've been together but has been drinking "mine" lately when he finishes his or if mine has been left in the fridge.

He has since been drunk Thurs, Fri and last night. His excuses for drinking are: he's had a good day, he's had a bad day, he's stressed out, he needs to sleep, the sun is shining, the football is on... The list is endless.

He says he knows he has a problem and he will reduce his drinking and it never ever happens. Not even a slight reduction.

Last night he stopped off for 4 beers after taking the kids to the park. He finished them about 6 and then he made an excuse that he needed to get me something from the shop (that I said I didn't need) and he then said it was for wine. He came back and I said I was going to my bed as I didn't want to spend Saturday night with him drunk so he could be alone and so would I and I hope he enjoyed himself. I said we'd have a word tomorrow about it. He rolled his eyes and said no we won't. Normally he's contrite but last night was the first time where it was if he was thinking "fuck off".

I've told him that I don't like drunk him and I certainly don't want to have sex with him when he's been drinking, nothing makes a difference. We used to have sex a lot and were very close and now I just feel disgust and resentment.

I don't know where to go from here. I feel like I'm nagging him constantly and it's now making no difference!

Sounds bloody awful, he’s basically an alcoholic
If he can go to football and do all those other things can’t he work at all?
Please don’t call what you are doing “ nagging” that’s a term arsehole men use when women have to ask them/tell them something over and over again because they ignore them .

I think your husband has a drink problem, he is showing classic signs. Until HE is ready to do something about it all the nagging in the world wont make a difference.

It could take years of living like this before anything changes.

I think your main concern should be for your young children, who are in his care while he is drunk.
Ive grown up with an alcoholic parent and its not fun.

I really hope your husband can address his problems x

It sounds like he's an alcoholic. He will only stop it he wants to stop.

I would have a really serious chat with him when he's not drinking and say he needs to stop. You can't all go on like this. Is he prepared to get help etc. I wouldn't bother tackling him when he's actually drinking tbh, it won't get you anywhere.

For yourself, can you increase hours at work during the day, try to be home in the evenings so the kids have you around?

Make sure you have access to money and start putting to one side amounts of cash if you can, even small amounts. Every bottle of wine he drinks,£5. Every can of beer £2. You are not being unfair and if you do have to leave on the end you'll have a small amount to help you out.

It sounds horrible. My ex was an alcoholic for many years and it was one of the worst experiences of my life. I hate to say this to you but there was NOTHING I could do to make a difference. I tried everything - being gentle, arranging counselling, doctors appointments, being firm, ultimatums and nothing worked. What I did and said was irrelevant. He'd give up for a while (one week max) such as when the doctor told him he'd be dead in a few years if he carried on, but he'd always go back to the booze. In the end I realised I was enabling him by working (he couldn't hold down a job) and keeping a roof over his head, buying his food etc. All he had to worry about was getting booze. We split up in the end. He used alcohol to self medicate his life long depression but of course alcohol just makes you feel worse. I don't want to be all doom and gloom. Of course many alcoholics successfully give up forever. But the addiction is his - don't waste all your energy trying to work out what YOU can do about it.

There is nothing you can do. Nothing.

I have name changed for this.

My dad is an alcoholic and the damage that has had on me is only just becoming clear to me now in my 40s.

I found this website really helpful. It's a resource like this that your children will need as adults if his drinking carries on. www.nacoa.org.uk

Here's one for you right now, which is for the families of alcoholics (it affects us all when one person drinks): www.al-anonuk.org.uk

Obviously your DH needs a massive amount of help dealing with what he's gone through but for your children's sake (and your own) he NEEDS to find another way.

It will shape the adults they will become.

He is an alcoholic and that is extremely damaging to children, especially so young.

It must be so scary for them when they witness a parent drunk and out of control.
You need support so contact al-non. If he is drinking whilst on medication his health will be further impacted.

You have a decision to make, where is your line in the sand? Drunk whilst in charge of the children, drunk and abusive?? I sadly think you can't help him and have to factor separating so that the children are less impacted.

I honestly don't know where my line in the sand is. A couple of years ago he came home drunk from a night out and was in a terrible state. i told him to leave for a few days and he refused. I doubt he would leave if I told him to anyway. If he did he'd prob go to his mum;s who starts drinking when she gets up so wouldn't help him at all.

My eldest picked up on our conversation last night when I said I didn't want to stay up with him when he's drunk. He's now hearing things he shouldn't.

DH woke up on the couch again this morning. The kids are used to this.

I think I do need to speak to someone like al-anon. I KNOW I can't change him which is so fucking frustrating. He has always told me that me and the kids are the best things that's ever happened to him and he's always adored me. I've told him I will not put up with it forever and there will come a time when it will be enough.

biscuitfriend What you say is frightening. I know it's affecting my kids and will only get worse.

My thoughts around our future together, for the first time, is that we may not be together.

Not only is he an alcoholic and damaging your relationship and your children's lives, where is the money coming from? Your wages? Surely if you're on benefits you can't spare money to fund his drinking?

Are you home owners or tenants? Whose names are on the property?

And if his mum is also an alcoholic I think you can see your future...

I'm sorry I've frightened you, but you do need to wake up to what is happening to your children. You have a choice, they don't. You have an already-established personality and world-view - they don't. This is shaping them.

You CAN get help for you and the children. I have never had to deal with an alcoholic partner so other people on here can help you with that. But I HAVE had to deal (as both a child and now as an adult) with an alcoholic parent and I am urging you to look after those little ones. His drinking is his choice, not yours or theirs.

I don't have first hand experience of a successful outcome to this, but I am sure Al-Anon could help hold your hand through this and show you some possible successful outcomes and how to get there.

I also noticed the other day that there are local groups you can go to. I have found one for myself a few miles away (I still live with the shame - I know it's not my fault but on another level it's ingrained in me - so I couldn't go locally!) and I'm going to go to the next one. Maybe we could do it together and hand-hold? I know we're at different stages with this and in different shoes but I responded to your post (and scared you) so I'm here with you if you want a friend.

Is there a group near you? www.al-anonuk.org.uk/find-a-meeting/

I "nagged" my STBEH for 8 years about hia drinking. Last year I left him and life is great again.
My children are happy and our house is calm again.
It makes me sad as he chose alcohol over me, but I couldn't make him change.
Please don't put your children through this.

Have you claimed compensation for the accident? He must be due a payment surely?

As for the drinking I think you need to be tough - where does he get money for booze if he’s not working?

There are 2 al-anon groups near me, I too would be going to the further away one! Are they not just for alcoholics to go to? I would definitely like a friend in this! biscuitfriend

We are renting and both on the tenancy. The benefits get paid into his account and I transfer money from my wages to cover bills now and day to day expenses (i.e. booze). His wages used to cover all the bills and more.

If we split up he would nosedive spectacularly.

If we split up he would nosedive spectacularly

Needs that spelling out to him.

Do you have family support?

So you are funding and subsiding him to screw your children, and you, over?

DH’s father was an alcoholic
Mil left him when DH was 10. The catalyst was when his GP told her “he’s going to go under whatever you do, the question is will you and the children be going with him?”
They lived abroad she came back to The UK, luckily she had family support but that’s always stuck with me - so OP will it be just him or all of you?

I feel sorry for him being in pain and having depression and anxiety. However alcohol is a depressant so, by drinking, he is just making himself worse.

He needs help but he has to be the one to want it and ask for it and it doesn't sound like he is ready. He may never be ready to quit drink.

If he won't leave your home then you and the children need to leave because this is definitely a poor environment for them to be in. You need to consider them first and try and break the cycle of children of an alcoholic becoming an alcoholic.

This association definitely seems to be for families ("Al-Anon Family Groups provide support to anyone whose life is, or has been, affected by someone else’s drinking, regardless of whether that person is still drinking or not.")

I'm new to all of this too so if I'm wrong, I've got it wrong for myself too! But I can see @lifebeginsat50 also recommended Al-Anon upthread so it must be right.

Sorry if that's unclear. I was answering your question about whether that group was for alcoholics. Let's do it!

You need to leave him. Now. You are unwittingly enabling him to drink. And your kids are the collateral damage.

You spent a lot of your OP describing how you have tried to help him. That suggests that you think you have a responsibility towards helping him stop drinking. Nothing he has done or will do is your fault. It's all down to him.

Three rules of alcoholism.

You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.

It's all on him. Good luck.

You need to protect you and your children.
He is making a conscious decision to continue to drink knowing the damage that he is causing. Also, his medication won't be working because of the amount he is drinking so he is actually making himself feel worse, not better.
Alcohol is also a depressant and he will feel worse after drinking.
In terms of being alone with the children whilst intoxicated this is actually an offence that he could be arrested for.
You may find support in a group like Al-anon as they are set up to support people that are living with alcoholics. Unfortunately though this won't change your situation at home, only he can do that.
Most alcoholics need to hit a 'rock bottom' before they begin to address the issues.
He needs to get help but telling him he needs help will not motivate him, only he can do that.
There are agencies out there that help (I worked for one for many years) but he needs to be prepared for the fact that treatment is something that he needs to engage in, it's not something that comes just done to you. There is no magic pill, its about motivation and a willingness to change.
Keep strong and know that you can't be responsible for his choices and the consequences that they may have

Please go to al anon!! I went for many years because my exh and my dad were both alcoholics. On my first visit I listened to someone talk and thought " have you been in my house?" It's was all so familiar.

You need to detach from the drinking ( they will help you with this) and look after yourself and the dc. If that means him going to his alcoholic mum's then so be it. If he hits rock bottom there then maybe that's a good thing- the only way is up. You really have to let him deal with the consequences of his actions and whatever professional support he's having need to be aware of his problem drinking. Booze and some medications don't mix and could be fatal.

Please don't put yourself and dc through any more of this. I'm 55 and have spent most of my life in the mental health system because of the damage alcoholism has done to me. Until it's addressed, it won't get better. He's an addict.

Good luck op

Cross post, but everything chocciEclair said too.

Same here, separating after 32 years married, had enough, children grown up but saw too much. They won’t have much to do with him. Nothing is more important to them than thinking about that next drink. my husband has lost everything and had so many warnings. He has a very well paid job and we had a fabulous life, he functions very well with it but it always comes first. He’s not nice to be around after he’s been drinking, very verbally abusive They live a very lonely life but it’s what they choose. He was sober for 5 years (5 years ago) life was amazing, he was a great husband, father, kind caring and considerate. But, he caved in and went back to it, now I have called time! Please don’t be me. You will never win. EVER. 🌷