to keep nagging DH over his drinking

[roaringespresso]

Very brief background, DH had an accident at work over 2 years ago that has left him in constant pain and depression and anxiety as a result. He was made redundant a few months as a result of the accident. Mentally he is not able to back to work and physically he can no longer do the job he has done for the past 20 years.

His life has changed dramatically and he has become socially reclusive as his injury means he can no longer do the physical things he used to. i.e. hobbies etc. His mental health means he finds it difficult being around others. He is undergoing treatment for all of this and has been told his injury is probably life long.

We have 2 preschool children and I work part time in an admin role. Now he's not working we have to rely on benefits to top up our income. I am looking into studying to gain a qualification in an area I'm interested in as A. we need more money and B. DH is around to look after the children to allow me to study. I couldn't have done this if he was still working the hours he did previously.

The past couple of years have taken a toll on us, understandably. I also have depression and anxiety and have been on medication since being on mat leave with my youngest. I have been trying very hard to get my mental health in a better place and have done this through counselling, better diet and exercise. Along with mindfulness. I know what makes me feel better and I try to stick to this although it is difficult at times and find myself slipping as stress is my trigger.

DH seems unable to help himself in any of these ways and expects a quick and easy fix although, for obvious reasons, this doesn't work!

He's finding it hard being with the kids all day and has always been terrible at managing his time so complains he doesn't have time for himself. I give him lots of advice on different ways this could improve as he does have a lot of time to himself when the kids are at nursery but he doesn't do anything with it.

He's always been a big drinker and it is something I've broached a lot of the years even before the accident. I was too and still have blow outs myself more often than I should however I am no where near where I was and his is getting worse. I've talked and talked to him about this and nothing ever changes.

He says he needs it to help him sleep because of the medication he is on. And also because of the pain he is in. He also says he drinks to make himself numb.

Currently he's drinking heavily probably 5 nights out of 7. He gets very drunk. An example being Tuesday night when the football was on. I came home at 9pm from work and he was very drunk and shouting and swearing at the tv. The kids were awake upstairs in their bed with their tablet. I went straight to my bed as I could not be bothered dealing with him. He drank a litre bottle of (my) white wine and also a litre bottle of his red. He has never drank white wine in the whole time we've been together but has been drinking "mine" lately when he finishes his or if mine has been left in the fridge.

He has since been drunk Thurs, Fri and last night. His excuses for drinking are: he's had a good day, he's had a bad day, he's stressed out, he needs to sleep, the sun is shining, the football is on... The list is endless.

He says he knows he has a problem and he will reduce his drinking and it never ever happens. Not even a slight reduction.

Last night he stopped off for 4 beers after taking the kids to the park. He finished them about 6 and then he made an excuse that he needed to get me something from the shop (that I said I didn't need) and he then said it was for wine. He came back and I said I was going to my bed as I didn't want to spend Saturday night with him drunk so he could be alone and so would I and I hope he enjoyed himself. I said we'd have a word tomorrow about it. He rolled his eyes and said no we won't. Normally he's contrite but last night was the first time where it was if he was thinking "fuck off".

I've told him that I don't like drunk him and I certainly don't want to have sex with him when he's been drinking, nothing makes a difference. We used to have sex a lot and were very close and now I just feel disgust and resentment.

I don't know where to go from here. I feel like I'm nagging him constantly and it's now making no difference!

Yes to the pain clinic, he is under their care.

I sent an email. I feel bad because he's in such a good mood today. I asked him to come through to the bedroom and said to him that I have written him an email after he said we wouldn't be talking about his drinking on Saturday night. He said he's in a good mood today so I apologised then retracted the apology! I told him I needed to tell him how I'm feeling, he said he knows and he's also told me how he's feeling (i.e. up and down, good days and bad).

I started tearing up and told him I loved him and he said he'll read it.

I feel bad he'll be feeling like absolute shit after reading it but I have had a constant knot of anxiety in my stomach and he's had no idea I've been ruminating over this.

I forgot to tell him I was going to get in touch with al-anon and maybe go to a group. I will tell him after he reads the email.

Thanks all.

An email won’t change this. He will only stop drinking if he decides himself that he wants to. He won’t srop because of how you feel. Addiction doesn’t work like that.

Well done for writing that email. At the very least it means he can never say he didn't know how you feel, or that he didn't appreciate what was at stake if he doesn't deal with his drinking.

Well done for sending the email, I'm sure it was difficult for you to write and will be difficult for him to read

You said you're afraid he's going to kill himself? What do you think he's currently doing with his over drinking-on a sabbatical at a yoga retreat? He's abusing himself and will drink himself to death right there in your house! I promise you as a registered nurse I've seen many,many,many alcoholics in the hospital dying a slow death from drinking. There are far more pleasant ways to pass away and I am not over exaggerating. Please,please get help so you can find the strength to do the right thing for you and your children-you're the only responsible parent to them. Your husband is incapable to care for them

If your husband is at a pain clinic the pain medication he's on will no longer be managing his chronic pain it's like being on a Rx and doing street drugs alongside them. He's an addict. Cirrhosis also causes your body not able to process pain and antidepressant medication

If he is on pain meds and antidepressants you can't drink on those anyway, could make you ill?

i understand a bit OP. My Dh was made redundant and also was diagnosed with Crohns disease. he is on strong meds for that but still drinks it really worries me- he has blood tests for the liver etc which always come back ok.

He isn't as bad as yours though, he works full time and only drinks at the weekend. It is still worry though. I gave him a sheet with his meds and how to limit alcohol - in case that helps. It has not changed things much though.

It went okay after him reading the email. He said he wasn't annoyed and he understood how I felt. But he also said he knew how I felt which sucks because if he knew then why isn't he doing anything about it?? Yes, I know. Addiction.

We had a good chat but it's not really anything I haven't heard before.

I said that we will split if it continues and asked him to think about what that would look like. He said that we were going through a difficult time just now because of everything that's happened which is why he is drinking and it's something we need to get through. I told him I wouldn't put up with it and that I will support him through his injury and mental health and staying off the booze but I will not support his drinking.

He didn't say anything about seeking external support i.e. Al-anon. And he also said he doesn't need support just now and wants to try himself I disagreed.

He told me he drinks because of his depression and self-hatred after the accident and that it's a form of self-abuse to numb himself.

There was nothing really said different. He knows he has a problem. I just have to see what happens next.

I looked up the effects of alcohol with his medication. Doesn't sound good. 1 of them can cause liver damage as it is and none of them work as well with alcohol.

I worked out that in the past week he must've drank about 100 units of alcohol

I didn't get the chance to call al-anon yet but I will this week.

*sorry, about me seeking external support

Good for you. But you are talking a lot about him. What he thinks, what he says, what he feels. It’s time to think about you. What is your next step? Al anon will help, and to be honest you don’t need to tell him you’re going. It’s for you, not home

Not him

Well, you gave it your best shot and he can't say he's not been warned, roaringespresso . But it doesn't sound as if he's registered how serious his position is, or how much his drinking is hurting you. What did he say when you told him he'd got through 100 units?

I hope you find Al Anon helpful. If he's not going to take responsibility for his drinking you need to detach from him and his problems.

(AA is for him), but that’s his choice. Don’t go down the saviour route. I promise; it won’t work. I tried that a lot. He’s the only person who can decide whether to get support or not.

as it is and none of them work as well with alcohol.

Does he know that or does his doctor?. It also seems the depression is getting the better of him it must be damm awfull with un relenting pain there but for the grace of god i reckon go any of us;(

But it does seem as he's an addict he's got to want to stop perhaps if he was told the drugs work better without the booze i wonder if that might tip him in the right direction?

"because if he knew then why isn't he doing anything about it?? Yes, I know. Addiction." Exactly - addiction - how you feel doesn't matter, what matters is feeding the addiction

"but it's not really anything I haven't heard before" so nothing will change

"I said that we will split if it continues and asked him to think about what that would look like" you sound vague and non committal here - what conditions have you set for staying? Any? Because if not he has no reason at all to believe you will leave. So nothing changes meaning there's no reason for him to stop.

"and it's something we need to get through" except his addiction is not under your control whatsoever, only he can do anything about it

"I told him I wouldn't put up with it and that I will support him through his injury and mental health and staying off the booze but I will not support his drinking" again vague and Unassertive. Did you say exactly what you expect him to do to tackle the addiction? Where's your line in the sand?

"And he also said he doesn't need support just now and wants to try himself" a combination of denial and confirmation that he doesn't WANT to stop.

"He told me he drinks because of his depression and self-hatred after the accident and that it's a form of self-abuse to numb himself." Alcohol is a depressant it doesn't treat depression it makes it way worse. As for 'self abuse' that's really scary that's his attitude with young children about - that for me would absolutely be the final straw as there is no telling what he could do even if alone with them.

"I just have to see what happens next." Actually no you don't! Why do you think you do? You don't need his or anyone else's permission to walk away, you don't need a crisis beyond the current state of affairs, you don't need to wait until your children are put at risk by his negligence or actively doing something that puts them at risk - like drink driving with them in the car.

Re his not having told the medics anything, they can't tell you anything because of patient confidentiality BUT you CAN tell them information crucial to his treatment. Indeed I think you'd be irresponsible not to, particularly given drug interaction issues. They need to know!

As for the 100 units - that's only the drinks you know about, in all likelihood it's way more

Does he have regular blood tests to include liver function? At that level of drinking his liver will be affected and cirrhosis can be silent until it's too late..then it is horrible.

However he seems in complete denial and still making excuses so I doubt he will change.

I am sorry for you as it is heartbreaking watching him destroy his life but you can only help yourself and your children by getting away. What had chooses to do is up to him and you can't feel guilt.

Another child of an alcoholic father here. Whilst I do have sympathy for his situation and I fully believe addiction is a cruel illness I’d urge you to think primarily about your children’s safety. This is incredibly worrying

I came home at 9pm from work and he was very drunk and shouting and swearing at the tv. The kids were awake upstairs in their bed with their tablet

You can’t carry on raising kids in this environment unless you want to damage them for life (and I truly mean that). If he’s not going to seek immediate help for his addiction (and it sounds like he’s not ready for that) then you need to remove the children from the home. The hardest thing about having an addict relative/loved one is coming to the realisation that there is NOTHING you can actually do to make them seek help. You can point him in the direction but he has to make that decision himself. It looks to me like your only option right now is to move out and take your children to a safe environment.

@roaringespresso

My stomach flipped reading your thread. My DH had an accident at work almost six years ago. Like your DH he will never return to the type of work he did, has a chronic condition, cocktail of meds (including morphine, gabapentine) and is under the pain clinic.

He claimed compensation from ex employer which took a long time. I can't tell you how stressful all that was for both of us. He also loves a drink. BUT, even though I worried about the alcohol mixing with strong meds alongside his condition plus depression, he never drank anywhere NEAR the amounts you're reporting

I don't think it can be underestimated how devastating this is/was for them but your DH clearly needs help and for that I'm sorry for both of you and truly wish you both the best.

His drinking is not your problem to fix. You need to take the focus off complaining to your OH about his behaviour and expecting him to change and concentrate on you and your children's happiness and safety. He may get sober, he may get worse, he may die, but it will not be because of anything you did or didn't do. Do not take on the responsibility or the guilt. They are not your burden.

Bloody hell. 100 units.
He can’t stop himself. He needs to seek medical advice if he’s drinking at that level.
TBH I doubt he has any intention of stopping. “Doing it himself” seems code for “not going to stop and don’t believe there’s a problem so I won’t talk about it.”
You deserve better. Your kids do too.
Time to make a plan OP.

I wonder if it might be a good idea to tell your GP how much DH is drinking. It might precipitate a stern talking to from someone who can tell him exactly how dangerous drinking on his meds is, and the facts about alcohol and depression.

Certainly don't cover up for him. He's probably lying through his teeth to HCP about his alcohol consumption. Make sure everyone knows.

You know people say things will only change if he wants to? And naturally he doesn't? Well, make sure you want things to change too.

Like it or not - no one does - you have reached a turning point. It's not pretty. You must accept that you are married to a pills 'n' drink addict. If you stay married, you will damage your children and ruin your own life.

Yes, it's awful, but not doing something about it is a lot worse than putting up with it.

It's bloody scary being married to an addict, and it makes you timid, where you need strength most.

DH will say anything to carry on drinking, including 'I'll try to give up myself'. It's a delaying tactic. It won't happen and it certainly won't work. Make sure you don't fall for it either.

In the meantime, make plans to get rid of him - the only person who can save your DC is you.

He will say anything.Try and get him into rehab if he will go - he's addicted to pain meds as well, so clinical detox envt is the way to go. In the meantime, make plans to get him out.

You know when people say 'think of the children'? This is one of those times when you really have to.

That's eminently reasonable advice, Supersimpkin. OP's DH made soothing noises while failing to commit to any concrete steps.

Been there far closer than anyone wants to be, got the hair shirt.

OP - - I am so with you love, take it easy on yourself.