to keep nagging DH over his drinking

[roaringespresso]

Very brief background, DH had an accident at work over 2 years ago that has left him in constant pain and depression and anxiety as a result. He was made redundant a few months as a result of the accident. Mentally he is not able to back to work and physically he can no longer do the job he has done for the past 20 years.

His life has changed dramatically and he has become socially reclusive as his injury means he can no longer do the physical things he used to. i.e. hobbies etc. His mental health means he finds it difficult being around others. He is undergoing treatment for all of this and has been told his injury is probably life long.

We have 2 preschool children and I work part time in an admin role. Now he's not working we have to rely on benefits to top up our income. I am looking into studying to gain a qualification in an area I'm interested in as A. we need more money and B. DH is around to look after the children to allow me to study. I couldn't have done this if he was still working the hours he did previously.

The past couple of years have taken a toll on us, understandably. I also have depression and anxiety and have been on medication since being on mat leave with my youngest. I have been trying very hard to get my mental health in a better place and have done this through counselling, better diet and exercise. Along with mindfulness. I know what makes me feel better and I try to stick to this although it is difficult at times and find myself slipping as stress is my trigger.

DH seems unable to help himself in any of these ways and expects a quick and easy fix although, for obvious reasons, this doesn't work!

He's finding it hard being with the kids all day and has always been terrible at managing his time so complains he doesn't have time for himself. I give him lots of advice on different ways this could improve as he does have a lot of time to himself when the kids are at nursery but he doesn't do anything with it.

He's always been a big drinker and it is something I've broached a lot of the years even before the accident. I was too and still have blow outs myself more often than I should however I am no where near where I was and his is getting worse. I've talked and talked to him about this and nothing ever changes.

He says he needs it to help him sleep because of the medication he is on. And also because of the pain he is in. He also says he drinks to make himself numb.

Currently he's drinking heavily probably 5 nights out of 7. He gets very drunk. An example being Tuesday night when the football was on. I came home at 9pm from work and he was very drunk and shouting and swearing at the tv. The kids were awake upstairs in their bed with their tablet. I went straight to my bed as I could not be bothered dealing with him. He drank a litre bottle of (my) white wine and also a litre bottle of his red. He has never drank white wine in the whole time we've been together but has been drinking "mine" lately when he finishes his or if mine has been left in the fridge.

He has since been drunk Thurs, Fri and last night. His excuses for drinking are: he's had a good day, he's had a bad day, he's stressed out, he needs to sleep, the sun is shining, the football is on... The list is endless.

He says he knows he has a problem and he will reduce his drinking and it never ever happens. Not even a slight reduction.

Last night he stopped off for 4 beers after taking the kids to the park. He finished them about 6 and then he made an excuse that he needed to get me something from the shop (that I said I didn't need) and he then said it was for wine. He came back and I said I was going to my bed as I didn't want to spend Saturday night with him drunk so he could be alone and so would I and I hope he enjoyed himself. I said we'd have a word tomorrow about it. He rolled his eyes and said no we won't. Normally he's contrite but last night was the first time where it was if he was thinking "fuck off".

I've told him that I don't like drunk him and I certainly don't want to have sex with him when he's been drinking, nothing makes a difference. We used to have sex a lot and were very close and now I just feel disgust and resentment.

I don't know where to go from here. I feel like I'm nagging him constantly and it's now making no difference!

Thank you to everyone who has responded to me. I am taking it all in.

I worry he could kill himself if we separate. He is very fragile at the moment. He goes to some very dark places when he's going through a bad episode of depression.

I read more about al-anon and see it's for people affected by alcoholics. I will give it some serious thought to going to a meeting this week.

I'm a long time sober alcoholic and what you describe is definitely alcoholic behaviour. Al Anon is for people affected by another's drinking. AA is for alcoholics.

If your drinking is causing problems with family and friends, you have a problem.

If your drinking is causing problems with work or education, you have a problem.

What you're doing at present is enabling his drinking. Where's the money coming from for it? Because I'd be cutting him off.

His DM is an alcoholic, so he learnt it from her. Do you want your DC to grow up thinking alcoholic drinking is acceptable? Because it will damage them. Apart from anything else, being looked after by a drunk makes DC feel unloved/uncared for because he will be emotionally and intellectually absent.

Alcoholism has a genetic component and it's also learnt behaviour. That's why people often say it's a family illness, though of course some alcoholics develop a booze problem with neither of these factors.

Yes Al- anon is for you. It helps those of us with alcoholic loved ones. For me it helped enormously. I too had two young DCs and alcoholic partner. I used to talk to him, nag him, hide booze, etc etc etc. Nothing changed . This took a long time. In the end I realised I couldn’t change him. But I could state my boundaries:

I don’t want me or our children to live with someone who is drinking like this. If you carry on we will have to split up.

That made it his choice. He chose alcohol and we split up.

He gave up drinking himself a while later with the help of AA, it was his choice.

Please don’t wait as long as I did, and get yourself some support.

If you do cut off the money you have to make sure he doesn't go 'cold Turkey'. This is so dangerous if it's not medically monitored and could cause DT's, seizures and worse. Safe reduction is around 10% of the units he is drinking per week. Obviously he needs to know how much he is regularly drinking first to know how much to safely reduce (if and when he gets to that point)

By the way op, if you don't feel ready for a meeting you can talk to somebody over the phone. Leave a message on the contact us page and someone will phone you back at a time to suit you.
Hope that helps a little

From what OP describes DH is unlikely to be physically dependent on alcohol, ChoccieEClaire. It takes quite a while of dedicated drinking to reach that point, as I know.

I’m at the stage where I couldn’t care less if he did! You are wasting your life and your children won’t thank you for it, my children told me so many times, get out. You cannot help him only he can. Sorry if I sound hard but truly he will drag you down with him, your children are the most important thing here. I’ve done absolutely everything you are on the road to doing, years and years, it makes me shudder, but very angry at the same time. 🌷

I notice that you also mention your drinking/alcohol supply. I think from now on you need to make your home an alcohol free zone. Then get some support for planning for yours and your children’s future.

As the child of an alcoholic - please leave for your kids sake.

He's gonna be a mess anyway no matter what you do but your kids don't deserve to witness it or suffer for it.

You have a choice, THEY DON'T!

I'm thinking of writing it all down in an email to take the emotion out of it and sending it to him later when the kids are bed. That's if he stays off the booze today!

Our conversations always go the same way. I get upset, he tells me he knows he's drinking too much and has a problem, he says he'll change etc etc.

I'm thinking if I write it down just stating facts then it might get through to him? Or am I just kidding myself

I don't think you're kidding yourself. Some alcoholics stop when they realise their marriage won't survive. I did. And DF stopped because of DM and his DC. It's definitely worth a try. But be really honest. Don't minimise.

If you're thinking the email will have any effect on the addiction you're kidding yourself.

There are no consequences for him drinking are there? He's no job to worry about, your funding it, you're covering all the bases re house and kids...

Where is the motivation for him to stop? There isn't any

if I could I would send you a video of my bedridden dad who is on over 200 meds a day including morphine which barely touches the agony he's in, can barely formulate a sentence and needs help to turn in bed - all because of alcohol.

But even that wouldn't be guaranteed to work. Addicts ignore all that, they think it'll never happen to them.

You cannot prioritise him any more you need to prioritise your kids.

They're already seeing and hearing things they NEVER should.

I honestly think it may get through to him. But it will be short term. Alcohol causes twisted thinking. He will say one thing and do another.

Think very hard about what you want (for you), and what you want (for your children). Let him worry about how his life can be. He is old enough and mature enough to worry about himself.

We enable people when we think we have to look after them. Honestly, one of the biggest issues for you is to change your thinking so you our you and the kids first. They don’t have a choice

Prawnofthepatriarchy i was mainly suggesting this as it is unclear how much he is drinking and with the OP out of the house at times she may not know fully how much he is actually drinking. Always better to be safe.
roaringespresso
Have you looked at websites like Drinkaware? He may respond better to official advice rather than him dismissing what you are telling him as just your opinion etc.

Do you honestly think if your words were going to affect his behaviour, it wouldn’t have already happened?

Sorry to say op, but yes you are kidding yourself. He will either admit he drinks too much just to keep you quiet and illicit sympathy, or will become defensive. I've heard ever excuse under the sun, but the bottom line is that he won't stop until HE is ready ( if ever).
It easy for me and other posters to say leave etc as we are ( probably) further down the road of experiencing alcoholism. But please don't brush this under the carpet, it won't get better. This is why I urge you to contact al anon to get some perspective.

I am about to sit down and read a book called 'Perfect Daughters: Adult Daughters of Alcoholics". I am 43. I'm a mess and I am only just piecing things together because my mum enabled my dad's behaviour and minimised it when I spoke to her about his behaviour. I was your 2 pre schoolers.

Please don't let this be your children. Be a better mum than mine was.

Now that you've reached out to us for help, I think carry on along the line you're on. No email to him - you've clearly tried everything already.

Contact Al-Anon, go to that group you found. Start looking after the children's needs and your own. Leave him to his drinking. He is responsible for that. You are responsible for the children (in lieu of both of you) and yourself.

There's lots of us here for you, you've got this

I definitely won't be brushing it under the carpet.

I hope I'm not being naive about the effect it is having on my children away the current time. I shouldn't have brought it up in front of them last night. I will be more careful about that.

It doesn't help that I'm currently laid up in bed with a virus feeling awful when I just want to take my kids out for the day away from him and the house.

Those who have been very badly affected by an alcoholic who kept drinking are bound to think that drinkers never listen to reason

However those of us who have either got sober themselves or have had an alcoholic family member who achieved sobriety will likely never post about it (though I recently did an AMA on my 30th AA birthday) so you won't know they exist.

But we/they do, and I think it's worth OP writing a really raw, honest email to try to bring it home exactly how much her DH has to lose if he doesn't tackle his drinking.

Then, at the very least, he can't claim he wasn't warned. And there's always the chance he'll take action.

Thanks biscuitfriend I will contact al-anon as my first port of call.

Thank you so much for your point of view Prawnofthepatriarchy I'm definitely not at the point of leaving him but I am at the stage where I need support myself. And have been thinking about the fact I may need to leave and how to achieve that should it come to that.

@roaringespresso You've said you worry he'll die if you separate or will nosedive spectacularly. These were exactly the same reasons I stayed with my alcoholic ex for years. I was certain he'd drink himself to death and I'd spend the rest of my life living with the guilt. Although I was desperately unhappy with him (I was having panic attacks etc. Often woke up to find him unconscious somewhere) I was too scared to leave him in case he died. Well he didn't. We split up nearly 17 years ago and he's still OK. He doesn't have a job, he's on benefits but he's OK. I've no idea if he's still drinking. When I left him he really had to sort himself out a bit. He needed to find somewhere to live and he needed to get food. Prior to this I'd given him a life where all he had to worry about was getting alcohol. Everything else was taken care of by me. It did him the world of good to stand on his own 2 feet. You could always suggest a temporary separation. A chance for him to get his act together and prove to you he's serious about giving up alcohol. He might then realise what he has to lose. At the moment he knows he can carry on drinking and nothing will happen.

The decision may be taken out of your hands op. If the children (rightly) start talking about this in school, the teachers may do a safeguarding referral. This may be what you all need though. Its a lot to manage for you

I hope I'm not being naive about the effect it is having on my children away the current time. I shouldn't have brought it up in front of them last night. I will be more careful about that.

It's not your behaviour that matters so much as his. He's looking after DC on his own. A drunk parent cannot be emotionally available to their children. They are entirely inwardly focused. They just want to be left alone to drink in peace. It's a very selfish illness. It's like parents so glued to their phones that their living, learning DC are totally ignored.

And then there's the safety angle. A drunk looking after preschool children puts them at risk. You shouldn't let him do it, tbh.