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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at my sister for missing an important family event?

305 replies

sweetkitty · 11/05/2019 23:52

I probably am and will probably get flamed but here goes. In January I sent out the date of a important event for my DS, think once in his lifetime imports to him kind of thing. My sister is his godmother and very close to him.

About 3 weeks ago she tells me she can’t come she’s away with work, she has a job where she travels an awful lot but I had assumed she would have blocked out the date.

Today she posts she’s at a Health/Fitness convention, she’s recently turned into a health/gym nut and I think she’s booked this then realised it’s clashed with DSs thing.

I am annoyed that she’s lied and posted the whole days iternary of FB (she’s turned into a health bore posting work outs at 4am/green juices/boot camp holidays) and said she’s working? DS was upset when I said she couldn’t come today.

DH said forget about it if she had wanted to be there she would have been.

OP posts:
Whisky2014 · 12/05/2019 11:06

No. BUT THIS PARTICULAR BLOODY KID IS HER GODSON

So? Seriously, chill out. Just because she's a godparent doesn't mean she has to arrange her life around him.

Drum2018 · 12/05/2019 11:10

You may as well say something to her rather than let it fester, or tell Dh to say it if she's his sister. She clearly doesn't see the communion as an important event in the way you do. If she's not a practising catholic, attending mass regularly, then I'd understand her being so blasé about it. Simply being catholic isn't enough. If it had been confirmation and she'd agreed to be sponsor then I'd be more annoyed, but for communion it really didn't matter on a religious side of things if she was there or not. Godparents don't all have a sense of duty to be there for every event. 2 of my kids don't ever see or hear from one of their godparents. It hasn't made any difference to their lives. People are flattered at the time to take on the role, but life goes on and people change and it's not a big deal to them. Try not to fall out over it. She has her priorities and you can either accept that or chose not to speak to her again. I'd also 'unfollow' her on Facebook. That way you don't have to see her 4am posts any more.

Greencustard · 12/05/2019 11:11

Just because she's a godparent doesn't mean she has to arrange her life around him

Talk about exaggerating. It's only a few hours for a special occasion, hardly 'arranging her life around him. I despise weddings, I think they're the most awful, boring long drawn out day, and that includes family weddings...I still go and pretend it's all been a smashing day.

mumwon · 12/05/2019 11:15

ah, she ds's godmother - hence the expectation is (as she would have agreed at his baptism) that she should have wanted to be at these occasions - especially if you are all a religious (observant) family, I see why you are upset - you may have previously booked seat & organised party after (thinks Irish/Italian families :)RC ) but don't let it spoil your day

Whisky2014 · 12/05/2019 11:16

Greencustard she is if she really wanted to go to this health event.
I still go and pretend it's all been a smashing day. But I bet you don't if there's something you would much prefer to do on the same day.

Original poster
sweetkitty · 12/05/2019 11:21

Why did I post it? because sometimes you just need a moan get it off your chest and move on.

I think I’ll mention it next time I see her that DS has asked where she was and I had saw she was at the fitness thing.

OP posts:
starsparkle08 · 12/05/2019 11:22

Depends if the sister is religious herself .

I personally don’t like attending religious events as don’t follow any religion

Ohnotanothernamechange · 12/05/2019 11:23

If she's not Catholic then she probably doesn't get ththe significance of a first communion. Quite honestly I find the whole thing bizare. Thank god im (non religious) CofE.

BertrandRussell · 12/05/2019 11:23

SHE’S THE GODMOTHER!!!

EleanorReally · 12/05/2019 11:27

are you sure the work thing isnt tied in with the fitness thing?

Whisky2014 · 12/05/2019 11:33

SHE’S THE GODMOTHER!!!

SO

Jeez wailing banshee.

PCohle · 12/05/2019 11:35

I'd bloody hold it against her. Presumably she swore in a church that she would help your son "take his place within the life and worship of Christ’s Church". And now she's sacking off to a fitness convention instead and lying about it.

She doesn't have to rearrange her whole life around your DS but she has literally solemnly promised god she would do this one thing.

BlueJava · 12/05/2019 11:36

I can see why you're disappointed she didn't come, but I think these occasions are really only important to the closest of family members - parents and siblings. People have their own lives and families, it's nice to invite and include but it has to be optional.

BertrandRussell · 12/05/2019 11:37

Whiskey- a godmother makes promises at the baptism and the role carries responsibilities. The OP’s sister made those promises and accepted the responsibilities. Turning up at a one off event that she has had plenty of notice is not exactly revolving her life round him!

BertrandRussell · 12/05/2019 11:38

“think these occasions are really only important to the closest of family members - parents and siblings” And the godparents.

Whisky2014 · 12/05/2019 11:42

@BertrandRussell

But she is allowed to change her mind. She is allowed to put herself first.
The only reason this is an issue is because she stupidly posted the health event on Facebook BUT actually maybe she is away for work and this event is near there. We actually don't know that info. The op was fine she was missing the due to work. Why then turn around and say it's not fine if she's at a health event? It's obviously important to her. Frankly, the 9 yr is unlikely to remember the event further down the line and I bet he won't hold it against her that she didn't go.

Overtheborder · 12/05/2019 11:42

I'm Irish.

Over here when you agree a role as Godparent it's tour duty to guide the child in the Catholic faith.

This means you're there for their baptism, first confessions, holy communion, confirmation and any other spiritual/religious event.

You support them, their parents and their siblings. I have a large family and we all invited to attend these celebrations. They're always important to the child and the godparent.

I can see why you're so upset. I'd have been the exact same. In fact I rearranged a holiday to be able to be there for my god-daughter's confirmation, it's an important role and an honour to be chosen as a Godparent.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 12/05/2019 11:48

YANBU, that's really off.
It's different if it had been a genuine work thing, but it wasn't - sounds like she has fallen down the health freak rabbithole though and it's affecting her abilities to behave with generosity to anyone else. :(

Hope she sorts a balance out soon, for your whole family's sake!

DCDA · 12/05/2019 11:48

Some people think christenings and communions are no big deal but this is a religious RC family and they do take it seriously. It would seem that up until now the aunt/Godparent did too.

They seem to be a close family, she had plenty of notice of the date and then lied about why she couldn’t come. I’d be upset.

So many people say it’s her life she can do what she want, of course we are adults and can do what we want but if we can’t sometimes put other people first then we might as well not bother with family, friends or relationships.

Seaweed42 · 12/05/2019 11:57

It's obvious that religion is very important to you and your family.
For her, this new found vegan, food controlling, exercise controlling fitness thing is her new 'religion'.
Therefore, to her, this new thing is more Important to her than ANYTHING else in the world at the minute. She's obsessed like a religious person can get obsessed and all consumed.
Just like a religious fanatic would be - they join a cult and then shun their friends and family. Their priority of Needs change.
She needs desparately to belong to this new community more than she needs to belong to her family of origin. It's her new Family and all else takes second place. You can probably see how she talks of nothing else.

Greencustard · 12/05/2019 11:59

I still go and pretend it's all been a smashing day

But I bet you don't if there's something you would much prefer to do on the same day

Absolutely not. I can't understand why people would not make an effort for family. There's been many times I'd rather have done other things than sit through a ceremony/reception/chritstening etc. but I would never not go. I expect my family members who have attended my family occasions have plastered on a smile and just got on with it.

MulticolourMophead · 12/05/2019 11:59

The fact that being a godparent does actually carry responsibilities is why I've previously turned down requests to be one. I'm atheist, so not a good choice anyway. But when I turned the requests down, I did thank them for thinking of me but said I wasn't going to be a hypocrite.

Isthisafreename · 12/05/2019 12:07

My dsis did something similar. She was 40 around the time of dd2's communion. She knew well in advance when the communion was but forgot and booked a weekend away for her 40th. The weekend could have easily been changed to either side but she didn't want to do that. She told me that I know she's not religious so communion isn't important to her.

Fair enough, except my dd1 had her confirmation 3 weeks later and sis was "hurt and offended" that she wasn't invitedConfused. Confirmation is much more low key and we only invited grandparents.

She's always been quite selfish in that regard but she is very generous in other ways so I just accept that rather than letting it ruin our relationship.

shatteredandstressed · 12/05/2019 12:23

You'll just have to let it go but it'll shape your dealings with her going forward. I wouldn't bother saying anything to her.

YANBU , very hurtful and absolutely she should have attended as she's his godmother.

choli · 12/05/2019 13:10

the ceremony. A godparent not attending so she can go to the gym is like your mother not attending your wedding because she always goes to lunch with Delma and the girls on Saturday.
As long as there's a bouncy castle the kid won't give a shit.