Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I cause this?

115 replies

Patriciathestripper1 · 11/05/2019 23:00

My DH goes through phases of ignoring me.
I know it’s not adult behaviour but I don’t know how to deal with it.
We have one daughter who is old enough to see his behaviour is not right.
He can go for days not talking to me for the most stupid reasons. The latest was he came in from work and said the floors hadn’t been steam mopped (he works, I don’t) which blew up into a massive tow about how he goes out to work and brings money in and I don’t contribute etc etc. he makes me feel worthless when he goes on like that, and yes I may not earn a physical wage, but I cook, clean, and look after all our animals (we have a farm).

We moved to rural Ireland and jobs are none existent tbh, and he had to go back to the uk to work every so often which makes me getting a job even worse because i have our daughter to look after and no family here to help. I am financially dependent on him and he never stops letting me know. Anyone any tips gif dealing with his behaviour? For the record he is never wrong and never apologises for anything.

OP posts:
HBStowe · 11/05/2019 23:01

I would personally deal with this behaviour by walking out and never glancing back at the tosser.

Copperandtod · 11/05/2019 23:02

Please consider if there are any good reasons to stay. This is no way to live

Bestfootforward1 · 11/05/2019 23:05

He sounds like an emotional abuser.

Original poster
Patriciathestripper1 · 11/05/2019 23:08

HB. Would go but nowhere to go. There is a housing problem here at the moment with rents topping the €1200 mark for a 1 bedroomed flat. I don’t even have the deposit let alone the rent. I feel totally stuck here Blush

OP posts:
Nyushka1 · 11/05/2019 23:20

Of course, everyone else posting would just up and leave their relationships at the first dodgy look their partner gave them. FFS.

It sounds a little childish but it's something we're all capable of especially when we get home after a tiring day at work, already ratty and something small is often enough to blow way out of proportion.

Best to try and talk things through at the next calm opportunity, he may apologise or he may explain that he feels like you're not pulling your weight while he's out at work.

If you feel like that's unfair to put that on you then you should explain that there's a lot of other tasks that you do that he's not talking into consideration.

It's very easy when you haven't got a job to get distracted with other things and before you know it you haven't got time to do that chore you'd planned. If you make a list between yourselves of the things that he expects of you and vice versa that would be the best starting point.

I'm seeing more and more people trying to split up relationships without knowing anything more than a sentence on a forum. They must have perfect partners.

Cranky17 · 11/05/2019 23:22

You might be financially depend on him, but equally he is depended on you for everything else, it’s meant to be a partnership where people play to their strengths. He needs to start appreciating what you do for him. But he won’t because he’s shown how much respect he has for you by stonewalling you, which in its self is abusive.
You can’t and won’t change him because he thinks you are beneath him and should do as you are told if not he’s will punish you.

Your only choice is to either leave him or put up with it

theboomtownrat · 11/05/2019 23:30

Girl you got to go.
How come you moved to rural Ireland? Where abouts are you?
Do you have the option to return to UK?
Belfast / Dublin / Derry / Newry?
You can present as homeless in any town in the north. You might start in a hostel but they will get you sorted. Surely anything is better than living with that wanker?
Love and hugs XX

JaneEyre07 · 11/05/2019 23:33

Say something like "you are obviously determined to sulk with me yet again, but just to let you know it's a very unattractive quality and if your aim was to make me love you just a little bit less, you've been successful. When you are ready to apologise for your behaviour, I will be ready to listen". And don't talk to him until he has said sorry. And mean it.

Each and every time. He'll soon learn you're not his doormat.

Youngandfree · 11/05/2019 23:36

Do you drive? Why are you rural? Are you or dh Irish? I would see if you could either move to a town/city or back to the uk if possible?? Would either of those be an option. How far are you from the nearest town?? I am also rural in Ireland but only a ten minute drive from a town, if you could drive to a town then there may be more scope for a job? Sorry for all the questions 🙈

Original poster
Patriciathestripper1 · 11/05/2019 23:38

Nyushka1 Yes I have tried that. In the last I have tried everything to shck up to him and change his mood just so everything in the house (his mood) returns to normal. But he always finds either something to pick at or criticize or double checks to see if I’ve done something eg., did you do the recycling?? If I ‘ make exscuses’ fif not doing something that’s when the arguments starts and then he just ignored me. It drags on for days now because I don’t try and creep round him anymore.

OP posts:
springydaff · 11/05/2019 23:39

Nyushka, with the best will in the world, you don't know what you're talking about. Your advice is dangerous to someone who is in an abusive relationship. I also wonder if you've considered that perhaps op has tried all the things you list. I expect she's tried every permutation of your list numerous times.

You're in an abusive relationship op. He is abusing you. Post in Relationships and get some good advice there. There is a longstanding poster posting about her H who 'sulks'. She has recognised he is abusing her and has been doing so for all their married life.

You are far from alone, sadly Flowers

TheInebriati · 11/05/2019 23:39

Living rurally isn't working out for you. Its hard work, it wont make you rich, you both have to be on the same team, and he isn't. So that would be my first move; back to a city. Then find work.
That will give you options, including starting again without him.

HBStowe · 11/05/2019 23:41

Of course, everyone else posting would just up and leave their relationships at the first dodgy look their partner gave them. FFS.

It’s not one dodgy look, is it? It’s constant rows, long periods of silent treatment, and absolutely refusing to acknowledge OP’s contribution. All classic abusive behaviours.

You see far too many people on this site excusing abuse because they don’t themselves have a good idea of what a healthy relationship looks like, and it’s really upsetting.

springydaff · 11/05/2019 23:41

Whose idea was it to live out in the sticks?

Original poster
Patriciathestripper1 · 11/05/2019 23:42

Youngandfree I’m in Republic. 20 mins from town and yes I drive but there just isn’t anything.

OP posts:
Nyushka1 · 11/05/2019 23:44

She has a Daughter I hardly think it's appropriate to leave her daughter and go to a homeless shelter.

It's also very disrespectful to women who've suffered actual abuse to say that being ignored in a huff is abuse. It's simply a bit childish.

Pantsomime · 11/05/2019 23:45

OP start by writing things down, what makes you happy, sad, what
You want/ don’t, your goals, how he
Makes you feel, how you dealt with x situation- on review could/ should you have acted differently- is there a pattern of whatever you could have tried would he still find fault?(I suspect so). You have to work out for yourself if it’s unfixable because he won’t meet you part way, then decide what you would like and start making plans to leave. It may take a couple of years but write it down and start to understand it’s not you and instead of it engulfing you, you can make small steps to eventually leaving him and knowing you are strong because you are and it’s not you

Antigon · 11/05/2019 23:45

Op, he’s never going to change. You need to decide if you want to live like for the next 40-50 years. Every time he gives you the silent treatment, your self-esteem and confidence will suffer. You say your daughter knows something is not right. She’s being brought up in a very unhealthy environment and the behaviour will likely escalate. I think you said you ‘suck up’ to him to make things go back to normal? Please don’t! That sends him the message that it’s working. Tell him he’s being a child and that you’re not going to be bother with him until he behaves like an adult.

Can you move in with your parents if you had to?

Rainbowlampshade · 11/05/2019 23:45

I’d honestly just ignore him full stop. Just carry on like he isn’t even there. You need to look harder for a way out

Original poster
Patriciathestripper1 · 11/05/2019 23:47

theboomtownrat We are way down in the republic, I’m still here because I don’t have any money of my own at all. It was DH dream and mine to a lesser extent to live rural but I never got one minute thought it would end up like this. I had a good job in the uk and left it to Persue this nightmare.

OP posts:
springydaff · 11/05/2019 23:47

Nyushka. You don't know what you're talking about. Please read up about domestic abuse - it is not hard to find the info. Your comments are ignorant ie you do not have the relevant information.

Weenurse · 11/05/2019 23:48

What can you sell to get some money?
Do you have family you can go to?

Antigon · 11/05/2019 23:48

@Nyushka1

It's also very disrespectful to women who've suffered actual abuse to say that being ignored in a huff is abuse. It's simply a bit childish.

Re-read the OP’s posts. This man looks for excuses to criticise the OP. You’re so completely clueless about the forms that abuse can take that it’s laughable.

OP is very unlucky to have you on her thread.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 11/05/2019 23:51

What kind of farm do you have, and how big? I ask because I'm trying to think of a way for you to quietly earn extra money (selling hatching eggs online for example, or selling eggs or veg at the farm gate) which would enable you to save money without him knowing and thus build up an escape fund? Is there maybe a field you could let to a neighbour?

As a (reluctant) farmer myself, I get how hard it can be, especially at this time of year. You bloody do work, you just don't get a salary for it!

Youngandfree · 11/05/2019 23:53

Are you south east by any chance??

Swipe left for the next trending thread