Do I cause this?

[Patriciathestripper1]

My DH goes through phases of ignoring me.
I know it’s not adult behaviour but I don’t know how to deal with it.
We have one daughter who is old enough to see his behaviour is not right.
He can go for days not talking to me for the most stupid reasons. The latest was he came in from work and said the floors hadn’t been steam mopped (he works, I don’t) which blew up into a massive tow about how he goes out to work and brings money in and I don’t contribute etc etc. he makes me feel worthless when he goes on like that, and yes I may not earn a physical wage, but I cook, clean, and look after all our animals (we have a farm).

We moved to rural Ireland and jobs are none existent tbh, and he had to go back to the uk to work every so often which makes me getting a job even worse because i have our daughter to look after and no family here to help. I am financially dependent on him and he never stops letting me know. Anyone any tips gif dealing with his behaviour? For the record he is never wrong and never apologises for anything.

Antigon my Parents passed a long time ago. I have stopped sucking up to him. His last bout of ignoring me lasted 4 days. I’m on day three of this bout now. He will only talk if I ask him something. I hate living like this.

Youngandfree No I’m in the west

What age is your DD? Would it be hard for her to go back to the uk?How do you think he would react if you asked/told him that you wanted to go back seen as he’s working there a lot??!

Womens Aid helpline in the republic of Ireland

Can you access the Freedom Programme there? It's better to go along to a meeting but you can do it online It costs £12, do you have that?

Read Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That?. If you can't afford to buy it you can order it at the library and you can read it there if it's a problem taking it home.

Your best bet is Womens Aid. They will support you.

He's got you stuffed into the wilderness without a penny to your name. There is a way out of this, see above. You won't be the first - or the last, sadly.

And in answer to your thread title: NO YOU DON'T CAUSE IT

This isn’t someone in a funk. This is someone who is so hell bent on controlling their partner that they withdraw contact for days on end if they don’t act in the way that’s expected of them. It’s textbook emotional abuse - and no, I don’t use the word lightly either.

Patriciathestripper1 this sounds really horrible. If you do want to leave, you can.

You will need to plan and you will need to cover your tracks and be careful, but if you are so unhappy you do not want to stay, then you do not need to.

No one can talk you into going, no one can talk you into staying. You are an adult and it is your choice.

Dontdribble Thank you for acknowledging that. It’s not a big farm. If I made any money he would expect me to put it towards the household exspenses. His exscuse being that he dosnt keep money for himself, yet here I am at home tonight snd he is out at the pub. Which is actually a relief as the atmosphere is horrible when he is home.

In answer to your OP no you don’t cause this and you deserve better!! I wish I was nearer to be able to help. But if you do leave him and are in the south east let me know!!

I'm sure OP is grown up enough to decide what she wants to take away from her thread. I think there's a lot of people out there sitting in wait to shout 'abuse' at the first sign of any trouble in a relationship without any consideration of how it could be improved or who may be affected if it were to break down.

The OP may shoulder some responsibility in improving relations or then again she may not. It's very ignorant to just make assumptions about other people's relationships especially with kids involved and that makes it all the more important that both parties try everything they can before bailing out.

As said above, WomensAid. Clare Haven Services - if that’s not relevant maybe there is something local to you.

Do get out.

Oh OP, I am so sorry. I wish I had magic advice that would sort your situation but I dont so I am just sending hugs. My Ex was verbally abusive too but I work and was in a different position to you, so he exited the building. I really do wish you all the best x

Right @Nyushka, OP says she’s living in a ‘nightmare’ and she hates living like this, but you obviously know best and he’s ‘just a bit childish’ 🙄. You are the one making assumptions here.

It’s pretty clear this man is emotionally and financially abusive.

His last bout of ignoring me lasted 4 days. I’m on day three of this bout now. He will only talk if I ask him something. I hate living like this.

Are the bouts of silent treatment getting longer and more frequent?

@Nyushka1 are you the OP’s husband?

Emotional abuse, controlling behaviour, constant criticism and silent treatment - all of which the OP says she’s experiencing - are abuse.

Abuse isn’t a competition, it’s not Top Trumps, it’s all equally damaging in different ways. I have no idea why you seem determined to minimise this but your advice and opinions could actually be dangerous.

I would think of all the jobs you do and look up
Their value, so cleaning, 5 hours a week @ £10 per hour. Go through it all, Childcare , housekeeping , admin assistance, farm labour, cooking, laundry, etc and present it to him ons spreadsheet.
I bet he wouldn’t be able to afford you.
Time he started seeing what you’re worth,

@Nyushka1 why don’t you male your own thread about your topic and discuss it, as you obviously feel very strongly about it.

It would accomplish much more than trying to coopt someone else’s thread.

I understand why you might hold the opinion you do, but time and again, I’ve seen posters ‘quick fire’ judgements be proved completely correct as the thread progresses.

Many posters who frequent the Relationship board and threads such as this have a lot of expertise in the area of abuse and dysfunctional dynamics in relationships. They can spot signs of abuse that someone not so experienced may misinterpret as just being ‘a petty argument’ or a bit of a sulk after a hard day at work.

Other posters are seeing a lot more signs of abuse in what’s beimg said here than a one off spat. And minimising that won’t help someone who is trapped in a really difficult situation and can’t see a way out.

Yes it’s like he’s trying to see how long he can make it last before I cave in. I won’t be caving in this time though

And No, no, no you do not cause this.

It's not normal for a partner to ignore you for days on end. It's not a good thing for your child to see either.

These people can help and advise you OP. Sorry you are having to put up with this inadequate shitty man.

Dangerous? Come off it, stop being silly. The OP isn't an idiot. She will know her husband better than any of us.

Is there plenty of money left over every month and a case that he spends it it on himself. I'm struggling to see the line between financial abuse and financial responsibility.

Im not taking away from what sounds like a difficult situation, and one that I wish you all the best to overcome. Could it be a case that you're suffering from depression due to being a bit isolated away from other people. It sounds to me like it would be a lot better if you weren't so far out.

Personally I lose interest in doing the daily grind and household chores when I'm down and depressed I just can't be bothered as I don't see the point. If your husband is misconstruing this depression as bone idolness it could be where the problem lies if he thinks youve lost interest.

It's also a common trick of abusive, woman-hating men to want to isolate their partners, so the 'darling let's move to the middle of nowhere, it will be wonderful' is a concept that should always be approached with caution. He gets to go to work, mix with colleagues, have adult conversation etc. She is marooned in a house somewhere with kids and/or animals, no transport, no money, no friends nearby -and the idea is that she will be a grateful, obedient servant because there's no one around to point out that she doesn't have to put up with it.

Let's be honest, most of us would not want to put up with a work colleague who gave us the silent treatment let alone a life partner!

If the OP is depressed I would imagine living with a man who could treat her in such a cold and callous manor might be a big part of it, along with being isolated and unappreciated.

And OP I honestly cannot remember the last time I mopped our floors! Really, it does sound like a horrible situation to be in.

number1wang

Doesn't really fall into 'joharis window' as I don't feel it's a case where adult safeguarding needs applying. As of yet there's been no indication anyone is in danger or at risk, that's just been assumed by everyone else

Make a list of everything you do every day, breaking it down ie fill dishwasher, empty dishwasher and put away dishes, separate laundry, put load on. Empty and hang up load. Fold laundry, put laundry away. I don't know what you do with the animals but please, make a long, comprehensive bullet point list of every single thing you do. Make sure you take photos of the finished article on your phone after, for a referencing point. Then show him. Say, look at everything I do. You might even the bucks, but this is what I do. Did this to my OH