Do I cause this?

[Patriciathestripper1]

My DH goes through phases of ignoring me.
I know it’s not adult behaviour but I don’t know how to deal with it.
We have one daughter who is old enough to see his behaviour is not right.
He can go for days not talking to me for the most stupid reasons. The latest was he came in from work and said the floors hadn’t been steam mopped (he works, I don’t) which blew up into a massive tow about how he goes out to work and brings money in and I don’t contribute etc etc. he makes me feel worthless when he goes on like that, and yes I may not earn a physical wage, but I cook, clean, and look after all our animals (we have a farm).

We moved to rural Ireland and jobs are none existent tbh, and he had to go back to the uk to work every so often which makes me getting a job even worse because i have our daughter to look after and no family here to help. I am financially dependent on him and he never stops letting me know. Anyone any tips gif dealing with his behaviour? For the record he is never wrong and never apologises for anything.

Is there plenty of money left over every month and a case that he spends it it on himself. I'm struggling to see the line between financial abuse and financial responsibility.

Yes there clearly is money because he’s at the pub spending it on holding while OP has no money! What are you struggling to see here?

*spending it on himself

I would take that resolve and treat the silent treatment as respite from his fucking whining.

You did not cause this, btw, since you asked. It's all the doing of angry, whiny toddler man.

ReanimatedSGB

It's also even more common for a man and his wife to mutually agree to move to a rural area and for one to realise further down the line it was a mistake.

Let's stop squabbling like babies and offer the OP the advice she's asked for. If people are so concerned about adult safeguarding and how fragile people may be the ONLY advise should be seek professional help, not available on a forum.

Im sure the OP is capable of deciding what to do and where to take things.

BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty

I agree this is definitely the best place to start.

Talk to women's aid on the phone

Sorry people are talking about you as if you aren't here op.

do please post in Relationships. You don't usually get trouble-makers banging a drum there but a broad group of very knowledgeable and experienced posters. xx

Where in rural Ireland do you live that a 1 bed flat is €1200 a month? Sure, you'd pay that in some parts of Dublin but i don't know anywhere outside that where it is so expensive.

My father did this to my mother and you're right, it's a horrible atmosphere. It's also not good for your daughter to grow up in such an atmosphere; I've suffered from mental health issues all my life and my psychiatrist states that it is due to childhood emotional abuse. Belittling is another form.

You can present as homeless in any town in the north. You might start in a hostel but they will get you sorted. Surely anything is better than living with that wanker?

Have you ever been in a hostel?

OP what he is doing is abuse and you should start getting things in place to get yourself and your dd out. I can't give any advice on that but there are a lot of people that can advise you on MN. AIBU probably isn't the best place to get it.

I think every one is forgetting that the op probably has a sense of responsibility for the animals on the farm and a caring bond with them as well as her daughter, just leaving is not an option. This is also her home and daughters home, uprooting daughter from this can be fairly traumatic. Also the new life she steps into could be worse than the one she’s got. Eg poverty and poor accommodation.

Op please just try and get on with your own life as best you can. If you have a spare room then move into it and from that first step of independence you can slowly start to formulate a plan for the rest of your life.

Op you ARE being abused, I'm afraid I'm not familiar with what services are available in ROI in such circumstances but I'm sure they exist and Irish mners can signpost you to them or you can look up online.

Do you have family/friends in U.K. Who could help?

You've done absolutely nothing wrong he's treating you like an unpaid servant!

It's not up to him what chores you do on what day! It certainly isn't up to him whether you're "worthy" of normal human interaction and of living in a home where you're not treading on eggshells and constantly tense when he's there.

Busysniping while your post is well intentioned I think it's likely to cause a potentially dangerous confrontation when op is extremely isolated geographically as well as emotionally. Confronting abusers is not generally recommended

Speak to professionals/experienced workers in the area (meaning both geographically and in terms of abuse) and plan to extricate yourself and dd from this abusive man.

Keep talking here but yes I agree in relationships and maybe start a new thread.

Nyushka you are not only talking utter goady shite your comments are dismissive ignorant and victim blaming.

I've witnessed my mother being abused by my dad for almost 50 years in every way possible. The emotional and verbal abuse has by far been the most damaging and most effective in controlling her and making her think she can't leave.

Mn is meant to be supportive your comments are not only unsupportive they're downright dangerous! YES DANGEROUS

Because most abusers who go on to be violent start by wearing their victims down verbally/emotionally.

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/recognising-domestic-abuse/

Educate yourself before you put more victims at risk due to your ignorance.

HIJACKING a victim of abuse's thread is bloody disgusting!

From Nyushka’s name and shite she talks, I can only assume that she’s Russian.
Unfortunately a lot of Russian women have been raised in similar atmosphere and hearing phrase “if he beats you, it means he loves you” on a daily basis. Can’t blame them when grown up in family like that. So best to ignore.

I totally get your post. Farming is a hard slog for little money and you are doing farm work , housework and bringing up a child. And you are living with someone who has no manners towards you. Silent treatment and criticism and checking your work are all abusive behaviour as stand alone acts or repeated behaviours. Contact women's aid and arrange an appointment to discuss all this They will help with every issue and talk through all your options or choice and you will become empowered and make your plans. And no you are not the cause. Voice it out with women's aid in total confidence. A great organisation which gives you knowledge about his behaviours the law and housing and then you can act on your new wisdom should you wish.

springydaff "Sorry people are talking about you as if you aren't here op." Was that to me?

OP I think posting in relationships could be a good idea. I am sorry if my comments look like I am talking about you as if you are not here, it had not even occurred to me that you would think that because of course you are reading your own thread.

I was expressing what I felt you may feel. Maybe that is wrong to say but (I'm sorry if that is case) I think that is how I would feel if I were in a situation where someone were treating me badly.

If you do feel a sense of responsibility towards the animals you care for, you can still work out that out in relation to where you wish to stay in your situation, which sounds geographically isolated. You may or may not like that location but it's your husband's behavior towards you that is so horrible. I really hope you will find a good way forward.

Why would you cook, clean etc for someone who treats you like this anyway?

No Italian x

Do you have access to money? Honestly I'd drain the account and move back to where you were before. Being a sugar parent will be hard but it would be better than this.

Time to turn the tables id have thought. If is ignoring you, you are free to do what you want. Don't be there when he comes in from work, don't have done the housework, don't respond when he talks to you, (because he'll have to just to ask about tea, washing etc) and see how long it takes before he realises he's behaving like a twat. I'd be doing something along those lines, but with a clear idea of the end game...when you were going to start talking to him again, what you were going to say etc.

Tough situation though xx

We moved to rural Ireland when I was pregnant. Not sure where you are but there are mum/baby groups almost everywhere, could you join one just to get some outside support? I know it can be lonely coming from UK myself and it’s an effort to put yourself out there but might help to get support from other mums?

It’s emotional abuse.order Lundy Bancroft book.

I think it sounds horrid and no, you are definitely not causing it. He is being a very old fashioned patriarchal bully. His attitudes and behaviour are causing it.

Escaping when it’s not outright violence can be a really hard decision. You need to decide whether you love him enough to stay and insist on changes? Not can you leave but do you want to stay? Where there is a will there is usually a way. It’s hard because you’ve been pushed down, had your confidence undermined and can’t see any other way of being at the moment.

If you decide you want to stay then you have to talk to him about his responsibility to make the Union work. His responsibility to see you both as equal partners.
You need to not tolerate sulking and being ignored. As soon as he makes Cross comments about things like a floor being mopped hand him the mop and walk away. Don’t justify what you have done or not done. Stay calm and simply repeat ad infinitum something like, “I can hear you are cross but I have been working too. Being angry is not the solution”.
Get money sorted so you both have control and equal access.
If he’s sulking turn the tables and get on with your life.
Get support so that you don’t feel so isolated. Friends or family. Tell your parents or his parents - in front of him so there is open and adult communication.
Consider and discuss with him whether rural Ireland is good for you as a family.

If you want to leave, start planning. Set up a separate account. Start squirrelling. Look where you might go where you have some contacts or support - maybe where you moved from?

Op you need to get yourself back to the U.K. and to a women’s refuge. I’d check out the refuges in Ireland nearby and they will then help you get back to the U.K. where you can resurrect your careeer.

Please don’t stay any longer, I lived in a relationship like this for 25 years and through 4 children. It wasn’t always like that but as soon as I gave up work and my career after DS 2 and pregnant with DS 3 the put downs and control started and the physiological abuse. I was sent to Coventry, ignored, moaned out for the house not being tidy enough when I had 4 young DC’s . I was isolated from family and then he restricted my access to money, the control/abuse got worse and it affected my confidence. This then led to depression and I los5 all my confidence,
I desperately wanted the marriage to work for the children but whatever I did he just moved onto the next criticism. I never did leave as he almost destroyed me and eventually after 25 years he walked out on my and 4 teenage boys, I had no career and little chance of resurrecting it after 10 years as a SAHM, no confidence, few friends.

Please leave whilst you still have confidence and before he takes everything away from you.
I know from experience this behaviour will only get worse, especially when you are isolated, it enables them to feel for powerful. Not steam mopping the floors!! This is extreme.

I’d call that an abuaive relationship. He’s chipping away at you, you’re isolated. It’s so far from normal and no you don’t cause it.