Do I cause this?

[Patriciathestripper1]

My DH goes through phases of ignoring me.
I know it’s not adult behaviour but I don’t know how to deal with it.
We have one daughter who is old enough to see his behaviour is not right.
He can go for days not talking to me for the most stupid reasons. The latest was he came in from work and said the floors hadn’t been steam mopped (he works, I don’t) which blew up into a massive tow about how he goes out to work and brings money in and I don’t contribute etc etc. he makes me feel worthless when he goes on like that, and yes I may not earn a physical wage, but I cook, clean, and look after all our animals (we have a farm).

We moved to rural Ireland and jobs are none existent tbh, and he had to go back to the uk to work every so often which makes me getting a job even worse because i have our daughter to look after and no family here to help. I am financially dependent on him and he never stops letting me know. Anyone any tips gif dealing with his behaviour? For the record he is never wrong and never apologises for anything.

I have seen many posts on here telling you to respond by standing up to him with your behaviour and start putting money aside. I think you need to leave soon, I also guess you can’t take out money without him knowing/controlling it, do you even have a joint account. My ex just moved his wage into his own account from the joint so I couldn’t access any money independently, there’s no point listening to others telling you to ensure you have equal access to money, if the money is paid to DH, OP ultimately has no control over it.

Op I think the question of whether you’re being abused or not isn’t important. Only a psychologist can look at your relationship and answer that. At the end of the day it’s unacceptable for a mother and wife to be treated that way. It also sounds like he’s undermining you and dismissing your contributions. Being a stay at home mum is an enormous workload and a 24 hour job. The financial contribution is irrelevant. Perhaps he is stressed by having the financial responsibility on his shoulders, but it must also be stressful for you to be running a family on a low/unstable income and having unstable living situation and little opportunities.

It does sound excruciating and a horrible way to be treated. I can’t imagine being ignored for days in end with young children. It is especially hard as you would have so many day to day things to discuss. It infuriating, cold and leave you feeling sad and empty. I also imagine you must feel really confused and lost in the relationship.

I think it would empower you to work towards independence. It sounds to me like this is an oppressive situation. If he is ok with ignoring you for days then it would seem he doesn’t respect your place and holds the power or thinks he act you’re isolated geographically and without parents suggests you’re quite vulnerable. You need to be empowered and have a plan.

I’m not informed about the RI work opportunities and benefits. Perhaps you could join a forum on here to research working from home/remote working opportunities. Could you be entitled to benefits to retrain and get childcare ? You need to brainstorm ideas to get yourself more independent, sercretly save money and or leave as soon as you get a job. Regardless of whether you stay for now or leave then you need independence. This sounds very controlling. Is there a counsellor in your area that could help ?

Brainstorm, work out a plan of practical steps, and quietly go about getting independent.

If you feel unsafe then leave however possible. Have a bag packed with necessities and documents, and the names and numbers of shelters.

Perhaps you could suggest staying in the uk for a while while he does back and forth to the farm. This might give you more freedom, respite, and a change to find a job and get independent. I’m not sure of the specifics, so this might not work.

Nyushka1. Bullshit it's offensive towards those who have suffered abuse. Having been in a dv marriage, this post did nothing but send out red flags.

Honestly op, you need to get out of there. Call women's aid (I actually found it difficult to get through, but luckily my council had their own dv team, it might be worth seeing if yours do).

This isn’t going to get any better. It’s a downward spiral to best case, a miserable and sad life for you and your child and at worst case, an abusive and violence filled life - whether mentally or physically or both.
Do you have ANY friends you can reach out to for help? Anyone who could send you just a few hundred pounds to get you some petrol or ferry ticket or anything.
If not then look into local refuges or women’s charities.

He has taken you away from your culture, friends, job. He has put you in a remote environment where he holds the powerbase, and now he is taunting you.

He is bullying you, but that can only happen if you let him.

Leaving should be your ultimate goal, but meanwhile don't give his meaness any oxygen.

As a PP said, pretend he's not there. Put music on if the atmosphere is oppressive. Chat silliness to your daughter, talk to the animals and just carry on doing what you have to do while you plan. Shrug your shoulders at him if he doesn't engage with you. Eat with your dd. Literally blank him. The joy he gets is from making you feel worthless. Don't let him win.

Open another bank account and start to squirrel money . Reconnect with any family or good friends in the uk. Start to look at the job market.

Positive steps will start to make you feel stronger and give you a feeling of possibility. You are stronger than you know, and worth far more than this man is making you think you are.

Hi op how are things this morning?. My ex used to stonewall me until he got his own way or until he felt he had punished me enough. I used to beg him to speak to me. Things escalated as they do so be aware and careful of what’s going on. Try to save a little bit of money for emergencies, maybe a bit less shopping and you keep the change.
What I found though was When the time came to leave people were amazing, people who I wouldn’t have even have thought do as friends supported me.

Do you own the farm?

If you are married you own the property jointly surely? Get legal advice. Tell him you want to sell up and divorce. Move home and get your life back. It won't be easy but there's asset there to be liquidated or am I missing something? He doesn't get to refuse and have it all his own way.

He'll be getting snotty because he can pick up your vibe and he is fearful that you are going to bail and take your share. Bail and take your share.

@Nyushka1 Yes he is being childish, but that's usually how the abuse begins. It starts small. Do you think abusers begin by beating up their partners? He has already moved them to a rural area away from friends and family and she is also financially dependant on him. I would be worried.

What would make your DD happier OP? Do you think she'd be happier if you could get back to the UK and you're old field of employment and not have to put up with the controlling behaviour?

Do you have any friends that you could stay with? I know you no longer have your parents, do you have any siblings/aunts/cousin/granny/friend who you could talk to and possibly stay with till you get yourself sorted?

I hope you are OK OP. The more I think about your post the more frightening I think your situation is. Woman's aid for some advice. If the property is joint and owned see a solicitor about your position re selling up. In the immediate future try to de-isolate yourself, are there any groups you can join through your daughter? Local people need to be aware of your existence. Local library? Community Centre, some communication with an adult might help you a little too. Online courses to help you find employment when you leave? Paid work you can do from home to help you save to leave? Just get some advice, this guy is a bastard. He is like a cat torturing a mouse, even if he isn't some violent stereotype he is still a scary sinister man. I genuinely wish you luck and send you strength.

Can you not access your GP at all op.As far as I know here in the UK there should be some sort of help avaliable for you .They can often find Womens groups who may be able to help you for free.If you can, maybe just save a little money for the train fare to Dublin ,and see if there is anything else to help you there.(or see if you can contact them first online).Abuse takes many forms Im afraid and being beaten black and blue is terrible obviously .But emotional abuse can be very difficult to cope with as well.At the moment he has you where he wants you as a slave to his wishes .Are there any forms of voluntary work you could partake in, just to get you out of the house for a bit and to meet new people?.lots and lots of hugs /kisses xxx

@dottiedodah OP would need 50-60 just to see a gp Ireland 😢

springydaff thanks (on re- reading my posting style, it was not very compassionate, it was trying to make a point! It's just good to be aware of the feelings of the OP, I agree.

OP I've not been in this kind of relationship, but I have had the other kind of a supporting partner, which is why I do feel do angry for th when I hear of people being treated like this. It's just not normal, it's so controlling.

Thinking about you op, please check in, people care x

do you love him.is this his one problem you think if he managed it youd love being with him.or is this part of a whole.
in ur ideal world if you had money,job,life outside of where you are to go to would you leave or stay.do you want to be with him.

really sorry.havent read the updates.i forget to refresh from last night.idiot of me!

I'm pretty sure Nyushka is a poster who comes onto DV threads regularly and tells people it's not abuse and they should stay. Uses the same phrases about it being insulting to people who have suffered real dv.
I think she name changes. I'm not sure how MN allow it.

Thank you so much everyone for the advice. No we are tenant farmers. I could cry because when I look back I feel as though I have put myself in this position. We built a nice life here in the beginning and I don’t really have friends as he never likes any of them so we don’t socialize with anyone. The only proper friend I gave is someone I met at toddler group when our girls were little. I usually meet her in a cafe once a week when I go to do my shopping. He causes an argument if I say I am going for coffee with her every time or makes shitty comments about it and says there is plenty to do at home or I am wasting money. I’ve stood my ground with him about the coffee and when I’m there he rings me constantly asking how long I will be. Yes we don’t gave a lot of money and if I need clothes I buy them from charity shops. I feel like he feels bad about himself and takes it out on me. If I am tired he is mire tired, if I don’t feel well he is in mire pain etc... I do t think he has any respect for me at all anymore tbh.

Whatever you do don’t stop seeing your friend. She sounds like a lifeline. Could you go with her and meet a few other women? Real life support is going to make you stronger than online support.

When having time with a friend maybe turn your phone off, having told him you won’t be looking at your phone for 2/3 hours. Don’t then check your phone. Try and find the strength not to indulge his behaviours.

Do you have parents or siblings that you trust enough to share with?

I'm pretty sure Nyushka is a poster who comes onto DV threads regularly and tells people it's not abuse and they should stay. Uses the same phrases about it being insulting to people who have suffered real dv.
I think she name changes. I'm not sure how MN allow it.

I reported her last night - disgraceful 😠

@Patriciathestripper1

So sorry you are going through this.

I live in rural Ireland too & know how isolating it can be without being in an abusive relationship.

I hope you find some help and a way out of this 💐

Patriciathestripper1 he even resents you having a coffee with your only friend! How sad is that. Please get some help. I wonder how old your child is now and whether you can envisage a life elsewhere with your dd which does not include a man who makes your life so miserable.

My exdp was like this, his ‘moods’ and ‘silence’ could last 2 weeks. It came to a head when I was called into school as ds7 was crying because of the ‘arguing’ at home. I explained it was far from arguing we weren’t actually talking. I went home that night and said it was over and he needed to move out. He did that weekend. We’ve had a brilliant relationship ever since. I’m in a new relationship, he gets along well with dp. Ds is now 14 and still mentions when dad lived at home and how he used to feel we were all walking on egg shells. He loves his dad to bits and has said ‘why couldn’t he be like then what he’s like now?’. Anyway, it worked out for us, hopefully it will for you. I know what you are going through!

So if you are tenants can you up and leave? Are you on the tenancy?