Is DP BU

[Ninteeneightyone]

We have a 5 week old baby who cries almost constantly and hardly sleeps. I’m mentally and physically exhausted. I’ve asked DP to help with night feeds and he refuses to - he said it’s not practical as he has to get up for work. He doesn’t help out with household chores except wash the odd dish and doesn’t cook so if I don’t have time to cook we either don’t eat or have to order takeaways. We also have 2 other children.

So basically, he goes to work and does fuck all else while I’m having to keep a house, look after 3 kids, cook and deal with the food shop every week - all this while surviving on hardly any sleep.

Is he BU?

You know he is OP and so does he

Yes he is. How about you suggest he becomes the stay at home dad and do the nights and all the housework, cooking and shopping while you find yourself a 9-5

Yes he is. Was he better with your other two when they were little?

Just to mention, I would understand more if he was the main breadwinner and he was supporting us financially - but that’s not the case. We have a joint account which we both pay an equal amount of money into each month to pay the bills and buy the food shopping from. We also have our separate bank accounts. He earns more than me but doesn’t contribute more, so as far as the finances go everything is equal.

He says because I’m on maternity leave, I should be doing all the night feeds.

No judgement here I'm in kinda the same boat but I have 6 expecting no7 , dp works 90 ishs hrs most weeks tho

@NeatFreakMama

My other 2 are not his. Their dad always helped out with the babies when they were little, whether he was working the next day or not. This is why I don’t understand this shitty attitude I’m getting from current DP.

He earns more than me but doesn’t contribute more

so he doesn't help, and he contribute the bare minimum? What a catch.

I believe that the SAH parent should absolutely do the bulk of the work - around 90% of it really, but in a couple, you don't live by rigid rules, you help each other, you are a team it's not a ridiculous business arrangement.

Of course he is BU, but have you ever shared everything 50/50 before kids and since you had the 1st one? What has changed?

He says because I’m on maternity leave, I should be doing all the night feeds.

I kind of agree, but as a loving partner, he could step in a few nights to give you a rest. If you are not EBF and he can help, you could have a good night sleep for a couple of days to put you back on track.

What's the point in having him if he's stingy and doesn't look after his own house/baby/wife

Baby is FF so he could step in.

He either steps up or gets shipped out, simple as that for me.

Ring up CMS and kick him out he's a sponger

What does he imagine happening when you go back to work?

What does he bring to the table OP, you pay the same amount and do all the household chores and childcare.

So what exactly is the point of him other than causing you more grief?

@pinkyredrose

That’s exactly what I said! He said we’ll just have to come to some sort of agreement when I go back to work but, right now it’s not practical for him to be doing night feeds

This isnt just about night feeds - this is about the fact he seems to do nothing

Could he take over from you as soon as he gets home and you go to bed when the kids do and hand over to him at midnight? Then maybe be could take the early feeding(s) as well. I tend to agree that the SAH parent should do the majority of the night feeding but a good partnership is flexible when needed.

What the hell does he actually bring to the party??

This isn’t right OP

Hand over to you at midnight is what I meant.

He’s not a very nice person by the sounds of it

What the hell does he actually bring to the party??

I’m actually starting to think this myself. I would be financially, mentally and emotionally better off if he wasn’t here. There would be no resentment building up and no expectations.

Plus I'm sure you're washing his clothes, tidying up after him...

Apart from money and a bit of washing up does he do anything at all?

Ime when you are seen to manage your dc from a previous relationship adding another dc still excuses arse holes from helping...
Stop doing his cooking /washing etc. Have your tea before he gets home.

He's definitely being unreasonable. Of course you both have your own roles but it's still meant to be a partnership. He should be considerate enough to step up and help you out, surely he must know how tired you are and what a lazyass he is.