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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DP BU

103 replies

Ninteeneightyone · 11/05/2019 17:51

We have a 5 week old baby who cries almost constantly and hardly sleeps. I’m mentally and physically exhausted. I’ve asked DP to help with night feeds and he refuses to - he said it’s not practical as he has to get up for work. He doesn’t help out with household chores except wash the odd dish and doesn’t cook so if I don’t have time to cook we either don’t eat or have to order takeaways. We also have 2 other children.

So basically, he goes to work and does fuck all else while I’m having to keep a house, look after 3 kids, cook and deal with the food shop every week - all this while surviving on hardly any sleep.

Is he BU?

OP posts:
DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 11/05/2019 18:27

The night feeds wouldn't be such a huge issue if you were able to rest at other times. He's expecting you to do literally everything on no sleep. A 5 week old baby can be exhausting and you are still recovering from the birth.
You'd probably have less work to do/stress if you ditched the manchild and made sure he paid proper maintenance. I think I'd rather do everything because there is nobody else to help than have another adult who could help me but chooses not to.

Lanurk · 11/05/2019 18:28

He’s BU. He could do weekends and he definitely could help round the house. My DP couldn’t do night feeds but he still would get up Friday and Saturday nights and change his nappy and see if he would settle without a feed.

liitlepenguin · 11/05/2019 18:35

My DP pulled this shit. I moved out for 2 weeks. I explained he had made himself completely redundant. He changed his attitude pretty damn sharpish. I don't know if you have this option Op Sad

Iloveacurry · 11/05/2019 18:38

He can help at the weekend if he’s not working then. What’s his excuse about that?

SignedUpJust4This · 11/05/2019 18:41

He wants a 50s housewife but doesn't want to be a 50s husband. He has no love or respect for you OP. I think your life would be easier without him. He brings nothing.

Bluntness100 · 11/05/2019 18:43

I'm going to go against the grain here. He contributes fifty fifty and you live there with two kids who aren't his. There are three of you and one of him, exx the new baby, As such, he pays for more than just himself, he's also supporting your kids that aren't his. If he wasn't he'd pay a third and you two thirds, or whatever.

I do agree if you're on maternity leave you should do the majority if he's working, but that things should be flexible and he should step in to help when required.

However I'm not convinced he should pay more than fifty percent when the kids aren't his. Their father should be paying that.

Newmumma83 · 11/05/2019 18:47

At this stage with no sleep happening he should help ... for the safety of your kids ... my baby boy of 5 months didn’t sleep for more than snatches of time for the first 8 weeks ... honestly you can’t safely look after a baby like that ... we used to work it so I would get 2-3 hours of sleep ... as much as possible depending where my husband was working .. so he would look after him between 4-7am ( after sleeping in our spare room for the night when working from home or not leaving too early for london ... some days I would have to suck it up but he made sure I got a nap for an hour or two before he went to bed the night before ( and we have just the one )

You can’t function on no sleep
And I totally understand no sleep can mean literally no sleep at this stage ... your a team and he needs to help you a little x x

Newmumma83 · 11/05/2019 18:49

Oh and weekends I have to remind him I need time with our ... he won’t leave his side !! I know not all guys are like this but a 2 hour nap will make so much difference to you he really needs to give a little help xx

Nanny0gg · 11/05/2019 18:51

What's his excuse on the weekend?

firstimemamma · 11/05/2019 18:58

"He says because I’m on maternity leave, I should be doing all the night feeds."

He has a terrible attitude to looking after his child. Op you know he is BU.

I hope things improve for you soon Thanks

Waveysnail · 11/05/2019 19:03

Theres is no reason he cant do night feeds on the nights where he is not working the next day. Also he could take baby when he gets home and let you go to bed then handover around 11pm when he goes to bed then he could do morning feed and let you sleep then handover before he goes to work

Blanca87 · 11/05/2019 19:06

Just tell him to get to fuck.

junebirthdaygirl · 11/05/2019 19:10

I would go with suggestion that as soon as your other dcs are I'm bed you pop into bed knowing he is watching the baby. He cam still chill in front of TV bit you can rest.
My dh always did this and it was what kept me going.

meow1989 · 11/05/2019 19:19

Dh doesn't do nights on work nights because he drives 90 miles round trip to work and I worry about him driving tired. But he does help with housework and does nights/early waking on days off. He also does an equal share of housework, will cook and does bath time and bed time with ds. We only have ds 10months so this works well (I nap in the morning with ds).

Your dp needs to step up. If he absolutely cannot do nights he needs to get up earlier so you can sleep and he needs to help around the house. Could he prepare some meals to freeze so in the day you can wack something in the microwave for you? Can you do an online food shop?

meow1989 · 11/05/2019 19:20

He absolutely should be contributing more to the joint account too

Namelessinseattle · 11/05/2019 19:21

Stop your cash going in immediately. If your contribution is food cooking childcare and night feeds then it’s not cash. He can’t have it both ways.

VladmirsPoutine · 11/05/2019 19:41

Of course he's being unreasonable. I can't imagine living like this.

Is the house yours/rented jointly?

Does he take any interest in parenting your other two?

Stompythedinosaur · 11/05/2019 19:45

Of course he is being wildly selfish and unreasonable!

Frankly he sounds like a dick who doesn't mind how much you struggle.

timeisnotaline · 11/05/2019 19:47

I think you know this is unacceptable op.
I woke on the premises of mat leave means I don’t go to work as I look after the baby instead. In the evenings and nights however neither of us would be at work so we are both on deck at home.

StreetDreams · 11/05/2019 19:55

You poor thing, OP. Flowers

Happynow001 · 11/05/2019 20:09

OP, You know he's being unreasonable and selfish or you wouldn't ask.

Also you are doing everything for him? Cooking, ironing, laundry, on top of looking after your very young baby as well as your previous children, life/house admin etc.

Maybe cut back on some of the stuff which is non-essential to you (like his laundry) to try and even put a little of the workload. Eat early with the older children if you can so he can look after himself more.

Don't let this situation carry on. He'll just get used to it whilst you tie yourself in knots.

Grumpos · 11/05/2019 20:22

Drives me insane when men are excused from helping with night feeds / housework / any other normal duty because they are “at work” - it’s a full time job being a SAHP! And it doesn’t end at 5pm either.
Even if you were generally ok with doing most of the work and most of the night feeds the reality is occasionally you will need help, occasionally you will be beyond exhaustion, occasionally you will need your partner to step up and take the reigns and if that means he goes to work a little tired for a day or two then so be it.
Your partner won’t even occasionally help you when you’re on your knees.
Your “partner” - using that term very very loosely - has zero respect, zero care and zero love for you if he is able to happily let you deal with all of this alone. Even the most basic rubbish effort of one night a week helping with baby and one night a week cook would be be better. And that would still be an absolutely atrocious effort.
What would you advise your best friend do, if you had to witness such utter bullshit from her partner?

Grumpos · 11/05/2019 20:24

Raging on your behalf tbh

Mayalready · 11/05/2019 20:24

Should the op be putting in 50% on maternity? Maybe charge dh 50% of the childcare you do for his dc?

WhoKnewBeefStew · 11/05/2019 20:30

I agree to a degree with him. You should be doing the majority of the night feeds as he’s at work. But as a living partner, he should be helping out if you’re knackered. He should also be doing 50/50 when he’s home. Just because you’re on mat leave and he works, doesn’t mean he does fuck all. It should be 50/50 on ana evening and on weekends

With regards to the money, he would be helping out whilst you’re on mat leave, but as a pp said, he is also providing for 2 dc that aren’t his.