Is DP BU

[Ninteeneightyone]

We have a 5 week old baby who cries almost constantly and hardly sleeps. I’m mentally and physically exhausted. I’ve asked DP to help with night feeds and he refuses to - he said it’s not practical as he has to get up for work. He doesn’t help out with household chores except wash the odd dish and doesn’t cook so if I don’t have time to cook we either don’t eat or have to order takeaways. We also have 2 other children.

So basically, he goes to work and does fuck all else while I’m having to keep a house, look after 3 kids, cook and deal with the food shop every week - all this while surviving on hardly any sleep.

Is he BU?

It sounds as though the financial side is what’s bothering you most but the night feeds are the straw that broke the camel’s back?

FWIW, I agree he is being a dick. Just don’t let him off the hook for now only for him to come back when the baby is sleeping through in a few months.

Do you think that he was looking for a way out? He seems to have given up very easily.

Christ he’s a piece of shit, good on you for booting him out. Get the ball rolling on maintenance Monday morning, and if you take the baby with you and explain the situation usually a chaperone can hold the baby or push the buggy whilst you have the scan I’ve had to do this a couple of times. People are accommodating of single mums with tiny babies x

Bloody hell. What does he do with the other 1.5k a month he earns if he only contributes £500. How was your relationship prebaby? It sounds like he's done you a favour

You are better off without him

You’re definite better off. Well done for not putting up with it.

good for you OP, start as you mean to go on, don't accept him back he sounds like a total head fuck!
My husband was a commercial diver and worked on some very tough jobs, underwater, and he was so in love with his son, he never wanted to miss a minute of his life, so when he was home he did all the feedings and nappies, he in fact changed more nappies than i did, at nights he would do the feeding while i sat beside and pumped milk, now almost 11 years later they have an incredible bond and when hes not at work they like to hang out together, and that is how it should be...
if hes taking a powder now how do you know they he will ever step up to being dad

He says because I’m on maternity leave, I should be doing all the night feeds.

He doesn't work 7 days a week though does he? So he could do at least one night to give you a break. He's being a selfish arse

I know this is shit situation all round OP but this thread made me smile.

I was so angry for you when I started reading and it's good to see you have put yourself first and kicked him out. Go you!

I see the OP's situation has moved on a bit, but to add my view on their original set-up:

Many couples choose to have one person contribute 100% to the finances, and the other 100% to the household/childcare during the early years.

However, he only contributes 50:50 to the finances, so he also needs to contribute 50:50 to the household chores and child-rearing.

Thanks for all the support everyone.

He’s still refusing to take the baby while I go to the hospital so I asked if he could have the baby at his mums tonight to let me have a rest and he said he wasn’t willing to go into work like a fucking zombie.

I’ve blocked his number and I’ll be calling the CSA tomorrow.

Good for you!

Good for you OP. What an arse.

Maybe see if you can hire a private babysitter to come along to the appointment with you?

Absolutely he should do his share. Work is no excuse at all. I've just gone back to work after mat leave and can honestly say it's easier to work with sleep deprivation them it is to look after a baby. Stand up for yourself, he is being a massive knob.

My second was a really bad sleeper, sleep deprivation sucks, any decent person would want to help their partner when they could and in this instance he is freeing up more cash than you by expecting you to pay half of costs and treating you like the hired help who is on duty 24/7 instead of helping you out where he can.

Our two have been sick the last week, I am a SAHM, partner works full time, he still manages to drag his butt out of bed in the middle of the night when our eldest has called out to him.

I have a 5 week old and am on Mat leave. I do the night feeds because I am EBF, but DH is always happily on hand (despite dealing with a nocturnal toddler) because he seems to have the expert winding technique that prevents silent reflux.

I tend to do the majority of the household chores at the moment, but I don't resent this as life sometimes is not so black and white. We each play to our strengths to make this little family team work.

I see I missed the latest update. Seems like your partner is incapable of handling working along side sleep deprivation. The majority of new parents seem to be able to manage.

God what a prick. Would his mum or any other family member have the baby while you get your scan? Sorry if I've missed this.

Good on you for telling him to fuck off.

Sounds like he was completely unprepared for handling the reality of a new born child.
I do understand the work vs maternity leave argument but a decent DP would recognise that you are very sleep deprived. Also as a PP said he doesn’t work 7 days a week, so should have stepped up then too.

He sounds like an complete and utter asshole. He helped make the baby, he should help raise the baby! If you are struggling he should help you with anything and everything! You shouldn’t have to ask with help with the house, he lives there. He knows food needs buying and cooking, laundry needs washing, areas need washing etc.

I am glad you gave him the boot. It sounds like he had one foot out the door as he sure didn’t fight to stay! Knowing you had an MRI and didn’t make arrangements to help you! Ugh, so mad for you.

I hope you get things settled quickly with him gone.

I would second the suggestion to pay for a babysitter, even for a few hours when the other kids are at school so you can get some sleep.
You must be physically and emotionally exhausted. I hope things start to improve for you now.

I'm so sorry, OP. You are doing a fantastic job of dealing with him and you seem like an awesome mum.

How are you contributing half on mat leave? Surely your income has dipped. The baby isn't your hobby to subsidise. Odd

@Trebla I get full pay for 6 months while on mat leave. I’m a government employee so the within conditions are good.

He text me at 8 this morning saying he would pick the baby up at 11 to let me go for my scan. I didn’t let him into the house though, I just took the baby out to the car when he came to pick him up.

He said we’ll just have to come to some sort of agreement when I go back to work

I'm guessing this 'agreement' will be you doing every night feed/wake and him sleeping like a baby... sorry but unless you put your foot down he's never going to change. How did you end up like this? With him doing literally NOTHING.