Is DP BU

[Ninteeneightyone]

We have a 5 week old baby who cries almost constantly and hardly sleeps. I’m mentally and physically exhausted. I’ve asked DP to help with night feeds and he refuses to - he said it’s not practical as he has to get up for work. He doesn’t help out with household chores except wash the odd dish and doesn’t cook so if I don’t have time to cook we either don’t eat or have to order takeaways. We also have 2 other children.

So basically, he goes to work and does fuck all else while I’m having to keep a house, look after 3 kids, cook and deal with the food shop every week - all this while surviving on hardly any sleep.

Is he BU?

Sorry to say, I’ve been there, and he behaves as he doesn’t love you.

So who does he think will do night feeds when you go back to work?
You will still be doing it all because that baby wont want to know the useless twat and will only settle for you, perfect excuse for manbaby.
My ex was a bit like this, I left him when ds was 6 months old. My life got easier in all the ways you've said yours will too, when you loose the dead weight.
You know what to do op.

Did he want this baby?
Just why?

With regards to the money, he would be helping out whilst you’re on mat leave, but as a pp said, he is also providing for 2 dc that aren’t his

He’s not providing for 2 children who aren’t his. We both put £500 each into the joint account each month. He’s earning around 40k a year and I earn 20k. The household bills are just over £600 a month (mortgage - £350, council tax - £115, gas - £50, elec - £50, factoring fee £30, tv licence £15 & broadband £20) so that leaves just under £400 for a monthly shop. Most of the stuff bought in the shopping - he eats. I ALWAYS have to do a little extra shop each week for DC’s packed lunches etc, which I pay for myself. I have owned the house for many years, that’s why the mortgage is so small.
He was living in rented accommodation before he moved in with me and was paying wayyy more than £500 a month in just rent and council tax. Now he’s getting board and lodgings for less than this.

If he didn’t live with me I would qualify for tax credits which would amount to around £500 a month so I would be no worse off financially if he wasn’t here.

So - he’s better off financially and has the cushy life of being waited on hand and foot while not doing a scrap of housework and refusing to do a night feed as it’s not practical.

As a PP stated - if I was back at work, childcare for the baby would be around £600 a month, that I’d be expecting him to pay as he earns double what I do and the baby is HIS. So, me being on mat leave is actually benefiting him.

And he can’t even do a fucking night feed!

I’m being taken for an absolute mug!

Exactly so tell him to move out and that he'll need to pay x in maintenance.

What's his excuse for not pulling his weight at home cooking and cleaning? I would just throw him out. Your life will be so much essier without him. And for God's sake stop doing stuff for him.

Having read your latest update, I would fuck him off and claim tax credits and CM.

OP genuinely chuck him out you life will be better

Oh, and my 2 older children get not a penny from their deadbeat dad. Not a single penny, and he decided he wanted nothing to do with them when he found out I was in a new relationship. So I’ve no child maintenance coming in from him.

I’m not 100% sure about the night feeds but the evenings and weekends should definitely be 50/50. Why does he not cook or shop for example?

That sounds like a nightmare OP. I have a 3 week old and while dh has gone back to work full time he still does half the night feeds while I do the other half and he does a good bit of the housework too. Theres no way I could effectively look after a newborn and a two yo, cook, clean, shop, do laundry all while recovering from giving birth with no sleep, and theres no way he could sleep all night knowing I was getting no sleep. Hope your dh pulls his finger out, being at home doesnt mean you aren't working!

So he works 9-5 and you work 24/7. What kind of partnership is that?

I kicked my ex out for precisely what you have written OP and life has never been sweeter. He had it cushy for over 19 years but the day I woke up and smelled the coffee he was out in under a week never to come back.

If he was to leave, what would you be losing out on?

Honestly my DS father was like this. In the end I left him when he was a around a year old as I decided I'd rather do it alone than do it alone and watch someone else do nothing!! He's gone on to have 2 more kids and is exactly the same!! (Now split with their mum so I know!) My current partner who I've recently had Dd with is great. I ebf this time so he cant do nights but he helps with dinner and housework etc. Helps with my DS and takes the baby so I can have a shower in peace in the evening!

Honestly, you need to have it out with him about it as you're current working 7 days a week 24 hours a day while he thinks hes got a get out as he leaves the house to work. If hes not willing to help with HIS dc then hes not worth staying with!!

Does you ex not have to pay cm by law? I don't know about this just wondering.

Sorry you're having such a tough time, he is clearly not a partner, more like you're his mother/slave. Maybe the threat of kicking him out will make him realise how selfish he is being and if not then i guess you have your answer anyway. Either way you need to be very clear you will no longer be continuing as things are. Good luck

*I'm going to go against the grain here. He contributes fifty fifty and you live there with two kids who aren't his. There are three of you and one of him, exx the new baby, As such, he pays for more than just himself, he's also supporting your kids that aren't his. If he wasn't he'd pay a third and you two thirds, or whatever.

I do agree if you're on maternity leave you should do the majority if he's working, but that things should be flexible and he should step in to help when required*

You say he's not paying for the other children but he is as he's meeting half the bills of the household they live in. You also mention it's your mortgage and house so he's in a vulnerable position as helping to pay the mortgage yet has not share in it.

If he has to work the next day then the person home should do the nightfeeds unless ill. Days off should be shared re night feeds and housework.

He is being massively unreasonable both financially and practically. If he earns more than you he should be paying a larger slice of the expenses.
Practically he should be supporting the mother of his child by doing chores etc and letting you get some sleep. When mine were babies and still waking in the night, I used to go to bed early (8-9pm) and leave the baby downstairs with DH. When baby needed the next feed at 1-2am, he would bring them up to me (I was breastfeeding) then he would get into bed and go to sleep. It meant I was getting a good 5-6 hours stretch of sleep without having to keep one ear open for the baby and so was he.

You say he's not paying for the other children but he is as he's meeting half the bills of the household they live in. You also mention it's your mortgage and house so he's in a vulnerable position as helping to pay the mortgage yet has not share in it

No he’s not paying for the children. If he didn’t live here I would get tax credits amounting to around the same as what he’s contributing to the household (probably more, actually) I am not better off financially with him being here. He is, and probably by around £400 per month! If he didn’t live with me and was refusing to have the baby during the week because it wasn’t practical for him due to work - he would have to pay child maintenance for HIS child plus full rent and council tax AND pay for his food shopping on top of that. Just now he pays £500 for the lot. My other 2 DC’s aren’t getting any of this £500 he contributes

Could you have him move out? I assume the mortgage is in your name. Then he can pay rent somewhere and CM and do his own shopping and washing and have the baby a couple nights a week too. Might wisen up then.

I spoke to him. He’s still refusing to do the night feeds and says he doesn’t do chores because “I don’t tell him to” I asked him to move out as being with him doesn’t benefit my life in any way, shape or form. He’s gone to his mums and says he will start flat hunting tomorrow.

I have an MRI scan on Monday and need him to look after the baby while I go as the hospital I’ve to go to is on the other side of the city, plus the fact I wouldn’t be able to take the baby in with me while I have the scan. His reply? “It’s not practical for me to take the baby on Monday as I have a meeting from 10am - 12pm in work” he knows my scan is at 1pm, so I would have to leave well before 12 (I live in a busy city and travel time will be more than 1 hour) He’s known I’ve had this appointment for weeks.

He’s a useless waste of space.

Can a friend come with you and hold the baby?

I think you've done the right thing OP. He sounds awful and like he will never start pulling his weight.

The "it's not practical" excuse would drive me mad!

Can anyone else have the baby while you are at the appointment?

Also, can you pursue the other Dad thought the cms? I know they are crap but worth a try. Sorry if you addressed this and i missed it!

Does you ex not have to pay cm by law?

Yea he does but he doesn’t work - at least not legitimately anyway - and doesn’t get benefits so they have no means to recover any money from him. CMS are unable to trace him too as far as I’m aware. I’ve been away from him for 7 years but haven’t seen or heard from him at all in over 2 years.

YANBU at all op. If you had an easy baby that was up 1/2 times a night for quick feed/wind, back to sleep, that's one thing. A baby that cries all the time and won't sleep is torturous and he is being a selfish prick.
My oh didn't get in from work until 8ish but he'd eat/wash then I'd hand baby over and they were his responsibility until 1am. I did wake-ups after that point but baby could sleep until 2 ish which meant I could potentially get a 5hr stretch which was a live saver. He must step up. These sleepless nights don't last forever, he needs to get on with it