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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Breastfeeding in Public

147 replies

MrsBonnie · 11/05/2019 16:20

AIBU here?

I had my first baby 3 weeks ago and luckily I think we’ve got into a good rhythm with feeding and it’s going well.

My overly pushy mother in law is really wearing me down. She obviously has an issue with me feeding in public as she keeps making comments about how she’d never feed in certain places as it would be off putting for others (church, restaurants etc)

We were at a female friends yesterday,

OP posts:
ethelfleda · 11/05/2019 22:32

Breastfeeding should be done anywhere anytime but it’s should be done discreetly. End of

I get irrationally angry when people end sentences this way. It’s like saying ‘what I say goes and there is no room for debate’ it’s very arrogant.
Especially when it is used to sign off something as ridiculous as your statement on how women ‘ought’ to breastfeed.

blackteasplease · 11/05/2019 23:16

Jesus has a terrible latch in the painting on page one....

YANBU OP. I agree with those who say cover MIL's head!

DeathyMcDeathStarFace · 11/05/2019 23:37

Keep going OP, if your MIL keeps on in this way just tell her where to go - elsewhere - if she doesn't want to see her grandchild having a bit of nosh. Or, if needed, tell her the ruder version of where she can go.

Personally, I have bf 4 boys. They fed anywhere and everywhere, but I sometimes used a shawl or muslin to cover my flabby bits if I wanted to, but that was normally any belly showing when having to pull my top up as I was self conscious about it. But I also seemed to be naturally discreet without trying to be, so many people didn't realise I was feeding anyway.

When ds2 was days old I was at a little toddler group at the local toy library with ds1 and fed ds2, a grandma asked for a cuddle of ds2 and I had to disappoint her by telling her he was feeding. She hadn't realised as I was pretty adept at quickly getting sorted by then so no one had realised he was feeding. She did eventually get a cuddle.

Thankfully my mum, her husband and my MIL were good with the bfing. FIL made a couple of comments about it early on, but that was his way of dealing with his embarrassment of possibly catching a glimpse of his DILs boobs. I think once he realised I wasn't wandering round with them out in his face all the time he settled down. It probably didn't help that when his twins were born in the seventies it was assumed they would be formula fed, even though MIL wanted to bf, but she was given tablets to prevent it then they FF, so he hadn't witnessed his wife bfing. By the time grandson no 4 came along he was much more relaxed about it.

I did most school drop offs and pick ups and bfed on demand. Sometimes ds2, ds3 or ds4 couldn't wait the 45 minutes until we got home so they got fed while walking to or from school, or even on the playground. They fed in other people's houses, in cafes, restaurants, McDs, in the odd shop, wherever we were if we wouldn't be home home in time to avoid a screaming tantrum because of hunger. Oh, and we've been churchgoers for many years, that is where we met, and often fed babies at church. Any church that doesn't accept bfing is a church I wouldn't want to be part of tbh.

Don't let your MIL ruin what should be a special time between you and your baby, if she carries on with her stupidity tell her she is welcome to not be around you when you're feeding your baby. It's her who will miss out on spending time with her grandchild then just because of her weird views.

Fifthtimelucky · 11/05/2019 23:53

I think that feeding should be discreet, but everyone's definition of 'discreet' is probably slightly different. My definition does not include facing the wall or wearing a feeding cover. It simply means not taking your whole top off and/or calling out 'Take a look at this, folks. I'm getting my tits out'.

I fed both of my children in public, though not until the first 2-3 weeks were over. Feeding covers thankfully hadn't been invented back then. They seem quite ridiculous. I didn't use strategically placed muslins or special clothes (except bras). I just used to pull up my T shirt on one side, or open the buttons on a shirt or dress, and get on with it. I think I was perfectly discreet.

I avoided any clothes in which it was impossible to feed discreetly (eg a dress that zipped up the back). But I think that was just common sense. It would have been silly to have to get half undressed every time I had to feed the baby.

Copperandtod · 12/05/2019 09:51

I agree fifthtimelucky

JiltedJohnsJulie · 12/05/2019 10:00

Ask her if she ever eats with a blanket on her head.

Seriously though, don't let her ignorance upset you. You are doing brilliantly.

I agree with asking your DP to have a word and if that doesn't work just keep smiling and refusing the blanket or to move.

Most people can't even tell if you're BFing, they just assume you're cuddling your baby. Well unless you've got your full tit out Grin

Drogosnextwife · 12/05/2019 10:07

Tell her no other mammal hides while feeling their young. Only because woman's breasts have been sexualised, do people find women feeding in public offensive.

Next time laugh and ask her why.

HSKNT · 12/05/2019 10:08

@Thinkle BEST POST EVER Grin

Drogosnextwife · 12/05/2019 10:15

Breastfeeding should be done anywhere anytime but it’s should be done discreetly. End of

Why?

Drogosnextwife · 12/05/2019 10:19

I have never, ever witnessed a wan getting "half undressed" to breastfeed

RiftGibbon · 12/05/2019 10:20

My DC was easily distracted so I used to drape a scarf or muslin when BF but I didn't go to a different room or anything else. No comments from anyone, thankfully, or they'd have been told to mind their own business in no uncertain terms.

MrsBonnie · 12/05/2019 15:45

Thank you for all of your support guys. It’s nice to be able to sound off to the internet Smile

OP posts:
MulticolourMophead · 12/05/2019 16:15

When I speak to DH about it, he says that’s just how she is and we need to accept it.

This is the kind of comment people say to excuse shitty behaviour because they don't want to confront it.

OP, you don't have to accept your MIL's comments, feed as you feel best for you and LO. As for the remarks about the painkillers; the next time she comes out with something, perhaps suggest a visit to the doctor to discuss the anxiety issues she's having..........

Mine are mid to late teens now, but when I fed them I used covers twice; once when it was cold outdoors, and once when we sat at the beach and the wind was blowing sand around.

Fifthtimelucky · 12/05/2019 17:00

@Drogosnextwife: I've never seen anyone getting half undressed to breastfeed either. I was using that as an example of behaviour that wouldn't be discreet. In my book, once established, 'normal' breastfeeding is perfectly discreet and no covers are necessary.

Breastfeeding in the very early days, when you and the baby are still trying to get the hang of it, is rather different.

Copperandtod · 14/05/2019 10:50

I have

PregnantSea · 14/05/2019 13:26

Tell her to fuck off. Her behaviour is outrageous. I would stop spending time with someone who threw a breastfeeding cover at me when I said I didn't need one. Disgusting behaviour.

LaurieMarlow · 14/05/2019 14:49

I have

I only ever see this claimed in mumsnet and it strikes me as total shit.

Celebelly · 14/05/2019 14:58

Yeah it's only ever the 'as long as it's discreet' crew who seem to have been around women who completely strip off and dance around shaking their boobs and squirting milk at innocent passers by. Back in the real world...

Copperandtod · 14/05/2019 17:01

It’s true

Stifledlife · 14/05/2019 17:27

She is ridiculous.

I fed two babies for a year each. I fed them in parks, restaurants, pulled over on the side of the road, in friends houses, in shopping malls, coffee shops.. in short, anywhere. I never used a cover. No. One. Cared. Or stared. Or commented.

I never got one word of complaint from anyone.

She is the one with the problem. She is the one who "can't stop looking". She is the one seeing something smutty in something completely normal. Next time, ask her what her problem is, and if you have to let some annoyance creep into your voice then feel free.

EnoughLifeLessons · 14/05/2019 17:39

Your only option is to cut down on contact massively. She's a sexist arsehole and she won't change, no matter how many times you out her right. If she asks, say you need to breastfeed your child and she has made it clear she feels uncomfortable about it so you need to stay away until the baby doesn't need breastfeeding anymore.

Your DH needs to check his attitude too. He should be an ally but sounds like too much of a mummy's boy.

ahtellthee · 14/05/2019 18:54

Another one to say that your DH needs to get behind your BF and Tell MIL to fuck off.

And cut down the contact.

My MIL and I got on wonderfully until I produced her son's child. It seems to send some new grandparents round the bend.

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