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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

7 DHs from adjacent houses cycling all weekend (again)!

458 replies

ballisticcyclistic · 11/05/2019 07:19

I’m sitting here with ice on my ankle because yesterday I twisted it during a ridiculous situation where I had to take 4 special wheels to the garage for DH’s car and he’d loaded these in my car at 5am. I couldn’t park in the garage forecourt as no space, so I had to park up the road. Then I couldn’t lift the bloody things out of the back of my car, so I just pulled two out and tried to roll them along, but the road was on an incline and the wheels took on a will of their own, like wagon wheels rolling off, One was veering into the road so I had to chase it like a lunatic and I caught the edge of my wedge sandals and twisted my ankle which is still very swollen. So that was yesterday afternoon.

DH complained to the garage that it was unacceptable that nobody they’d helped me, but he has since apologised so I’ll just put behind me, but there are repercussions now for this weekend.

We live on a street where we actually get on with lots of neighbours (rare for London) but this is mainly led by the DHs who are all cycling fanatics. This weekend they are all off to the midlands for some famous ride I’ve never heard of. There are seven of them going.

Now normally I’d be glad of the peace, but today I have -

  • Landscape gardeners coming around 8am
  • The flooring man coming at 9am
  • I need to leave at 9.30am to get DS (14) to his tutor, 20 min drive away, so I won’t be back until 12
  • DD (11) needs to be at a party for 1.30pm which a good 40 min drive, but could be more like 2 hours because they’ve closed Hammersmith Bridge and Putney and Chiswick Bridges are rammed. Also, I can’t walk to the tube and this DD has a broken toe as well
  • One DS in the midst of GCSEs and will need support / someone to practise French with / test him etc. He is working very hard, but sometimes just needs calming down or distraction. Other DS also has end of year exams starting on Mon and he needs a fair bit if input due to dyslexia.
  • 2 new kittens who I have to watch in case they get out due to gardeners leaving doors open
  • Plumbers coming at some point in the afternoon

AIBU to be a bit miffed? Of course, I know DH can’t cancel the ride now, but I feel aggravated and it’s only 7am!

OP posts:
IHeartKingThistle · 11/05/2019 08:04

Hmm... see I'd be inclined to suck it up if the ride means a lot to him BUT only if

a) he was grovellingly attentive and grateful and prior to leaving did stuff to make it easier for you

b) you got equivalent leisure time

I used to feel very resentful of DH's constant work trips and tennis matches. Then, after one too many trips where he fucked off with the buggy in his car or left the recycling full, I insisted that he asked me what needed doing BEFORE he went away (and did it!) and then I joined a brass band, which means he has to be around when I'm not. He still does his things but I'm a lot less resentful!

Hope your ankle improves OP. Winelater!

SarahBeeney · 11/05/2019 08:08

Why did he need you to take his car for a service?
So he has a car hobby as well as a cycling hobby. Do you have any hobbies??

Thehop · 11/05/2019 08:09

Stop doing his hobby stuff for him.

diddl · 11/05/2019 08:11

". He has started “collecting” certain cars which is fine, his prerogative, but a lot of the admin and running around related to them seem to fall to me."

Then stop letting it!

Why do you enable him so much?

cdtaylornats · 11/05/2019 08:11

Why did you organise this to all happen the same day?

Drive the 14 year old to the tutor and tell him to get back on public transport.

ArfArfBarf · 11/05/2019 08:13

I don’t think having a selfish husband is a first world problem - pretty sure it’s universal.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 11/05/2019 08:13

He clearly has a high paying job and seems to be treating you in the same way he'd treat his PA at work. Taking tyres to the garage for him is just ridiculous - why on earth did you agree to that?

AFistfulofDolores1 · 11/05/2019 08:14

Stop doing all of his legwork for him. That should take a significant chunk out of your obligations.

Parker231 · 11/05/2019 08:15

What does your DH contribute to the home - looks like everything is on you? Why has he planned a cycle trip when there is so much going on at home?

Sounds like he doesn’t do much/anything to help - why is this?

When do you do your hobbies and have your free time?

Persimmonn · 11/05/2019 08:16

Yeah well. It’s not the worse thing that can happen. If this is as bad as it gets for you, then you’re quite lucky. Some of our dh’s have to work weekends too, and my dad’s in hospital deteriorating by the day whilst we wait for a procedure. So stop being a baby and grow up. You have one weekend that’s busy. Deal with it. The tyre story wasn’t funny either.

Ohnothetellyisntworking · 11/05/2019 08:17

I'm torn on this one.

You have a lot on, but your dc aren't exactly small. It sounds like you have a nice life, and that the cycle is a bit one off event.

OTOH, you have a e an awful lot on and he should probably cancel.

Will he return the favour massively next weekend?

NameChange92 · 11/05/2019 08:18

The only thing on that list ankle could possibly affect is driving - if you can’t drive because of the ankle, the activities which require driving will have to either be cancelled or you’ll have to cadge lifts off someone.

If he booked this weekend a long time ago, and you also get equal leisure time, dh has done nothing wrong.

If you don’t get equal time off that’s the real problem that you need to address long term.

In general though you’d make your own life a lot easier if you stopped helicoptering your kids.

DS’s revise on their own. If they’re old enough for their exams to matter, they’re old enough to revise on their own.
Ds14 can get public transport
Kittens should be shut in an upstairs room with food, water, litter tray.
Then all you have to do is let the workmen in and give your DD a lift.

Ghanagirl · 11/05/2019 08:18

Why an earth are you acting like his skivy

rookiemere · 11/05/2019 08:18

Stop doing any of the running around relating to his hobby cars. Tell him you will be responsible for your own cars servicing and MOT ( or the family car if you use it more ) and that's it.

Go away with friends. I now go away skiing for a long weekend and at least one other city break.

I wouldn't bother talking to him about it, just stop doing the donkey work for his hobbies, he'll get the picture soon enough.

BBBear · 11/05/2019 08:19

Don't do his hobby stuff for him - his hobby, his problem.

Quartz2208 · 11/05/2019 08:19

Yes he is treating you as his PA with everything - you are his wife not his employee and everything in your posts screams that dynamic.

That and the fact he is clearly a high earner who believes that he is better than everyone else

Beautiful3 · 11/05/2019 08:19

The gardener, flooring people and plumber only need letting in. You don't have to do anything apart from payment. The 14 year old is old enough to make his own way to his tutor. The 11 year old has a broken toe, youve hurt your ankle and its going to take two hours?! I would cancel that one. I would stay home to support the other two who are studying for exams.

NameChange92 · 11/05/2019 08:21

Cross-post.
His hobby, his responsibility. Just say no.

candycane222 · 11/05/2019 08:23

Bit mystified that you libe in London and ferry everyone around by car!!! Especially a 14-year-old. I live rurally and look at your public transport system with massive envy!. Use your hurt ankle as a spur to get your kids to develop a bit of independence!

(your DH sounds like a selfish prick with a completely idiotic hobby btw. Who the hell collects cars :'D! )

SoftSheen · 11/05/2019 08:25

DS (14) can take public transport to tutor and back, or take a cab.

Can DD (11) get a lift with anyone else?

Without the two driving tasks, the rest should be manageable. However DH definitely owes you one, make sure he realises this!

diddl · 11/05/2019 08:25

Do you work, Op?

Just wondering why flooring/gardener are booked for a weekend day when you already have so much going on?

Antigonads · 11/05/2019 08:26

I presume you don't work?

Where on earth is he parking all these cars in London?

I'd stop any of the car related stuff immediately. The rest of the day is manageable.

MrsCollinssettled · 11/05/2019 08:26

You can't drive if you're ankle is like that. You'd invalidate your insurance. I think you need to ask someone to help out with lifts and return the favour on another occasion.

I'm assuming that you don't work if you were in a position to traipse round all day at dh's beck and call. He's not going to accept you need downtime as in his brain (and other men like him) you have that all day already.

I'd second the vote to organise all the other cycling widows to go away for regular weekends and leave the men to cope. That's the only way you'll get him to appreciate what you do. Do you ever do things as a couple or as a family? When I was a child my df's idea of a family outing was going to stand on the side of the road passing up drinks/food, clocking times etc whilst he raced. If there was something the rest of us wanted to do he would leave us to it and go off cycling with his mates.

OhFFSMary · 11/05/2019 08:26

Do you work? If you do then all a bit unreasonable. If he works full time and you are at home in the week then fine for you to do a few errands. Gardeners and floor man are a none issue, just let them in. Kittens can be shut in a room for their own safety so also a none issue. Agree with those saying ask another parent for help with the party run. Be at home for your kids with exams.

Having said that cycling DHs are largely selfish tools because it is a hobby which can only be done out of the home away from family. But then part of me thinks but if I worked full time I might want a little bit of time to do something fun too. Fortunately I have chosen hobbies which can be done at home.

This is a bit of a #first world problem but I do understand that put upon feeling. I had one day off this week and it was spent driving back and forth to appointments.

candycane222 · 11/05/2019 08:28

Ah sorry, missed dds broken toe. But if your household can afford for you to cross London to get a toy serviced, presumably you can afford to put her in a cab?