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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be completely devastated....

119 replies

Justwantaneasylifenowplease · 11/05/2019 05:49

IVF round 3 just failed, I walked out the office in floods of tears after crying hysterically down the phone to the clinic, wailing fuck over and over - laying on the boardroom floor.
Drank a bottle of wine, took some opiate pain killers until I felt numb. Told DH to still go to football as I'm sure he didn't want to be around a complete blubbering mess. Thought he needed to blow off steam, than be with his failure of a wife. Spent the evening alternating between crying and pacing the house. The big empty house we built, the one we thought we'd raise our family in.
Got up this morning and forced my self round parkrun. Burst into tears when a near stranger asked me how I'd been. Will need to find a new parkrun as this nice stranger now thinks I'm completely mental. Spent the day alternating between trying to sleep and sobbing in the shower. Whist mildly self medicating with painkillers. (Yes I know) DH wants to take me out for dinner tonight, as he leaves for work overseas again Monday. We don't live in the UK, it's Mother's Day tomorrow. I can't open social media or go anywhere without being bombarded by #soblessed. I have no conceivable idea of how to get through this. Sorry don't know what I'm hoping to achieve from this but wanted to write it down I guess.

OP posts:
IncyWincy90 · 11/05/2019 05:52

💐 be kind to yourself x

RJnomore1 · 11/05/2019 05:55

Oh love I am so so sorry. You are not a failure. This is not your fault. It’s a horrible thing that’s completely outwith your control and it’s like a little bereavement, the death of a possibility. Let yourself grieve.

Your parkrun stranger won’t yhibk anything bad. They’ll probably worry if they suddenly stop seeing you there. People are often kinder than we give them credit for.

Do you have a counsellor, or friends or family you can talk to? You need to let this out for now, whatever it looks like.

Is this your last cycle?

Trebla · 11/05/2019 05:55

You have every right to everything you are feeling just now. Its shit. If I was the park run person I wouldn't think you were mental either. Your concept of your future is not playing out to how your nor society said it should and its out of your control. This is painful and you have every right to be devastated. Flowers

LividLaughLove · 11/05/2019 06:00

I’m in 2ww of round three and I completely get it and you are utterly normal.

Do whatever you need to do to get through, EXCEPT the painkillers because you know that’s counterproductive. (I am gluten free and ate gluten for a month after my last miscarriage so I get it, but we both know you shouldn’t!)

Talk to people. Breathe. Get the MindfulIVF app and listen to the negative test meditation.

Drink water.

You can get through this and tomorrow is another day x

Lwg87 · 11/05/2019 06:00

I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how you are feeling. Do whatever you feel you need to xx

SaltySeaBird · 11/05/2019 06:03

It’s sometimes hard for people to fathom the pain that not being pregnant can cause. Cry and grieve. It’s normal.

Then keep trying. My friend didn’t conceive until her 7th IVF attempt. For me it wasn’t IVF but it took five years of operations, consultations, miscarriages and treatment. I now have two DC. Don’t give up on filling your house with a family; just for some of us it’s a brutal, emotional struggle requiring such strength to continue.

Justwantaneasylifenowplease · 11/05/2019 06:04

I've just poured myself a gin. Googling YouTube make up tutorials, apparently how to look less shit isn't a category. I did everything right this time round, gained weight, listened to the mindful app. Went to acupuncture. Trained less. Was a zen version of my usual very stressed out self. This is completely fucked.

OP posts:
sparklyglitterball · 11/05/2019 06:07

Really sorry, and it's extra tough that your husband will be going away with work. Is there anyone else you can confide in?

Ceebs85 · 11/05/2019 06:10

I'm so very sorry. This isn't fair, nothing about it is.

Does your park run have a fb page? I'd put a little message on saying thankyou and sorry to your kind stranger. I believe people are generally good and I'm sure they will only be worried.

You've not had control over this process therefore it's not anything you've done or not done that have caused it not to work. Please don't punish yourself or your body. It deserves love.

Enidthecat · 11/05/2019 06:14

Oh sweetheart. So many hugs for you FlowersCakeWine I'm so sorry. You're not a failure. Be kind to yourself

woodcutbirds · 11/05/2019 06:28

I am so sorry it didn't work for you this time. It is so hard when it keeps on failing. You feel like you're the failure when you're not. The procedure is the failure. And of course you have every right to react however you do, but please don't set a pattern of a bottle of wine and opiates. You need to be kinder to yourself than that.

The toughest thing about IVF is that each round is so fiddly and invasive and costly. Not like three shags equating to no luck conceiving. But that, biologically, it what it is equivalent to. So it doesn't mean you are useless and incapable of pregnancy. It's just three chances. Most people don't get pregnant within three tries.

I'm sorry your husband is away. Do you have some good support where you are? If not, are there some good online groups, including here, where you can get the consolation and understanding you need. You really need to be surrounded by people who have been in your position. No one else gets it. They just don't.

If it's any consolation, we got lucky on the fifth round. DH said this would be the final one - he couldn't face another.

It's really hard not to, but try to avoid black and white thinking. This doesn't mean you can't. Or you failed. Or you never will. It means it didn't work this time. That's all. I know it also doesn't mean it will work next time. But chances keep improving. When we started, the success rate was 12%. By the time we finished, five years later, it was 33%.

Give yourself time to grieve. Try to keep connected with your DH. And over time, let off steam more through park run than booze and pills. Please be nice to yourself.

mumsey2be · 11/05/2019 06:32

Hi there, i want you to know you are not being unreasonable. I had 3 failed rounds - each time i never got enough good eggs and we never made it to transfer. Each time a bit of me died inside. I started to fall out with my carefree pregnant types! It was a very low time. We moved on to donor eggs and i am now 6 weeks. I feel like a new person. I dontknow the circumstances of your failed cycles but remember the cycle and you are different things. there is so much shame associated with being challenged around fertility. I just found very good friends who could hear me roar and tried to take good care of myself with exercise and sleep. Sending lots of love. PM if you would like to x

Mrsyogabottom · 11/05/2019 06:32

I’m so sorry. TTC is the shittest thing in the world for those of us who are desperate to have children, but struggle with fertility issues. Your reaction is normal and understandable. I burst into tears in front of many a stranger. It took 7 cycles for us. Allow yourself some time to what you have to do, except self medicating, and only then decide what to do next. I wasn’t interested in counselling, but found that ivf forum message boards were helpful, and full of women who could identify and offer sensitive and informed opinions and support.

woodcutbirds · 11/05/2019 06:33

OP, I notice you said you did everything right this time. As though the entire burden of responsibility for success is on you. FWIW when we finally got success, after 5 years of trying, the time it worked coincided with my favourite nurse being on duty with my favourite embryologist and doctor. And it was a new moon. It felt like the world was on my side that time. I know that's hindsight, but next time, try to spread the burden a bit. It's not all on you. Do you have a team you like and trust? Is DH doing everything he can to produce the fittest sperm? You shouldn't be feeling alone in this.

Mummaofmytribe · 11/05/2019 06:36

Oh love. Sending hugs Flowers

PurpleFlower1983 · 11/05/2019 06:36

I’m so sorry this has happened Flowers

seven201 · 11/05/2019 06:38

That is so shit. Sorry. Do whatever you need (except the self medicating with painkillers) to get through this. Life is so fucking unfair sometimes.

whyohwhyowhydididoit · 11/05/2019 06:38

There’s nothing to say but I am so sorry. Please look after yourself. Flowers

ValleyoftheHorses · 11/05/2019 06:39

FlowersCakeWine
I’m sorry

WipeYourFeetOnTheRhythmRug · 11/05/2019 06:42

So sorry. It’s not your fault. Sending you love x

Cottonwoolmouth · 11/05/2019 06:42

Pour the gin down the sink. It will just make you worse. Believe me I’ve been there. The hangover will feed your anxiety and devastation.

This is not the end of the line for you.

Go and have a shower, make yourself look nice and get out of the house.

I dragged my arse up out of the house, went and got a shit load of holiday brochures and booked Dh and I a very expensive holiday.

This really isn’t the end of the line for your future happiness or future children if you still want to be a mother

I’ll be thinking of you today Flowers

BlueGlassesFrames · 11/05/2019 06:44

Oh my sweetheart, there are so many hugs I want to give you right now.
Go out for dinner tonight, eat what you want, drink what you want. For now, be kind to yourself and do whatever you need to do (apart from the pain killers, as others have said), and if that means staying at home and crying it out then give yourself time to do that.
Remember that you're not a failure as a wife, this round of the IVF was unsuccessful. That's all it is, nothing to do with you, nothing to do with your husband, just bad luck.

Fcukthisshit · 11/05/2019 06:46

So sorry. Ivf is shit. Do you have any embryos left for a frozen transfer? Start working on plan b and plan in some stuff that you like to do in the meantime Flowers

evilharpy · 11/05/2019 07:05
Flowers

This is NOT your fault. You are NOT a failure.

Sending you very big, unMumsnetlike hugs x

kingseven · 11/05/2019 07:15

So sorry. Nothing useful to say other then don't change Parkrun. Nobody thinks you are mental. 💐

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