To be completely devastated....

[Justwantaneasylifenowplease]

IVF round 3 just failed, I walked out the office in floods of tears after crying hysterically down the phone to the clinic, wailing fuck over and over - laying on the boardroom floor.
Drank a bottle of wine, took some opiate pain killers until I felt numb. Told DH to still go to football as I'm sure he didn't want to be around a complete blubbering mess. Thought he needed to blow off steam, than be with his failure of a wife. Spent the evening alternating between crying and pacing the house. The big empty house we built, the one we thought we'd raise our family in.
Got up this morning and forced my self round parkrun. Burst into tears when a near stranger asked me how I'd been. Will need to find a new parkrun as this nice stranger now thinks I'm completely mental. Spent the day alternating between trying to sleep and sobbing in the shower. Whist mildly self medicating with painkillers. (Yes I know) DH wants to take me out for dinner tonight, as he leaves for work overseas again Monday. We don't live in the UK, it's Mother's Day tomorrow. I can't open social media or go anywhere without being bombarded by #soblessed. I have no conceivable idea of how to get through this. Sorry don't know what I'm hoping to achieve from this but wanted to write it down I guess.

I had 3 failed attempts using my own eggs. (Over a fairly long period of time). We then used the information from those attempts to really understand our options which was fairly brutal: stop IVF, give up any idea of children, consider adoption, consider donor ivf.

The emotional roller coaster and stress is overwhelming so do take a break now. You both need it.

Thank you to everyone who has said such kind words, I'm trying to take comfort in them.
We went out to dinner, we both got nicely pissed, I looked at him over and over. Realising how lucky I am, we are to have each other and to still adore each other after 10 years. All night we were both avoiding the elephant in the room. Until I blurted out, I just want to be a mum then queue the tears.(Just as the poor waitress was approaching with our mains, see another complete stranger who thinks I'm mental) spent the rest of the meal trying to pull myself together not ruin the night.
Lots of self care today, plans to make Sunday dinner and hide from the world. Even just driving past all the Mother's Day flower stalls was enough to start the inevitable flow of tears this morning. God knows how I'll face work tomorrow. As there is an office baby due this week .... FML.

Oh sweetheart. I’m so sorry. And no one thinks you’re mental!! They’ll have made up a massively fascinating backstory for why you were crying so really you have been hugely generous to them!

I’m so, so sorry you’re going through this. I am sending you ALL the unmumsnetty hugs in the world xxxxxx

I'm sorry OP, it is a completely totally fucking shit situation. I read your posts and it could have been me writing a few years ago. Nothing anyone says can make it better, it's just completely shit. And also to the people say "don't give up, keep trying.. please fuck off. It doesn't happen for everyone and for those it never happens for, bullshit advice like that does not help.. remember the majority going through it don't get that happy ending, it just makes you feel like more of a failure every time it fails .

OP as others have said, be kind to yourself. Take some time. You said you have nothing left... I'm not sure if you meant emotionally or financially? Or both?! Again completely shit situations but the harsh reality of having to decide how much you can/will throw at it. Lots of other ways of becoming a parent.. do er eggs/sperm, adoption etc. But personally my yearning was for a child that was biologically mine and DH. I feel I get judged for that. 9 years of all of this has made me quite hard faced... I've had to be... there's only so long you can smile nicely at peoples shit advice and opinions.

Do what is right for you.

It is perfectly normal to grieve for your child that you desperately want. I've been through that grieving process. I'm now out the other side, still childless, but have finally accepted that's my lot in life. It's different to what we wanted and it hurts.

I prey you do get your child one way or another, but never feel like you have to be embarrassed by getting emotional in public, you're dealing with a lot, both physically and emotionally. Xx

How awful for both of you. I am very sorry you're having a bad time.

No one is telling you off . They just know self medicating with painkillers and booze won't help. I really hope one day you have your family.

Decided not to face work and feel terribly guilt for it.

So sorry. Be kind to yourself.

If that's what you need, OP, then do it.
I've been there too, and recognise the car-crash that is a failed cycle. (I got drunk on gin too!)
Be kind to yourself. This time, luck was against you.
It's the toughest thing in the world, but it's true. It's neither something that you did, nor something that you didn't do.
I'm so sorry, and I hope for better things for you in the future, whatever they may be.

Oh god OP. Do NOT feel guilty. It’s just a job. You’re allowed to be kind to yourself.

I’m so sorry. It’s useless but I am.

You are not a failure, it’s normal to be distressed when the procedure fails. Please don’t beat your self up over this, I just can’t stress enough that you are not a failure. What you are going through is extremely tough and heartbreaking, it’s a shame that your DH is going away though when you really need him. X

Be kind to yourself - to each other - this is so very hard on you both.

I am so sorry. I see you. I feel your pain.

You're allowed to be angry.

It isn't fair.

Can you go and see a counsellor to give yourself space to process all of the feelings that you are (totally understandably) feeling right now? Do you have supportive friends who you can spend time with, without a barrage of #soblessed shit?

The stress and depression from ivf is unreal. It is literally enough to mske you unravel. I dont think ive ever been quite the same. We had a fail followed by a fluid filled ovary and not enough eggs.
It really is so up and down.

Why would you put yourself through work tomorrow? There's nothing wrong with spending a couple of days retrenching when something horrible happens. Spend tomorrow dealing with your emotions then figure out how you're move forward and see how you go. Sometimes you do need a short wallow in grief.

In the same boat, OP. I still burst into tears sometimes after 1.5 years since my 3rd one failed. I still feel the pangs of sadness yes especially on mothers day, but it does get ever so slightly better. Sending you loads of hugs. Feel free to DM me if you want.

I am so sorry life really can be a fucker when it wants to be!

You scream and cry all you want.No one gets to judge you.

I'm sorry your DH is going away,I hope you have someone close by that can be there for you.

E-hugs. I've been there. I know the pain xx

He flew this morning, i wanted to beg him not to go...... I messaged my boss being honest saying I can't face the world, not today. But I'd try to work if I could. I'm laying in bed feeling empty. The clinic called to ask what we wanted to do. Told them we needed time, the poor nurse didn't know what to say. She sounded surprised that I was so upset. I was crying again.
So I've just messaged 10+ dog breeders, we've wanted a dog but put it on hold as I didn't want to be pregnant while trying to train a pup. Need to stop putting my life on hold....

Take some time off work, have a few duvet days and get the puppy ....why not.

Don't feel guilty for sacking off work. If there was ever a time for looking after yourself and doing whatever you need without guilt, this is it.

I'm sure the clinic nurse wasn't surprised. Of course you're upset. I guess she was just feeling for you. You did the right thing asking for time to think about your next move.

How long is your DH away? It's hard for you both that he needs to work away just as this happens, but wonderful that you're both still in love and getting through this together.

I am so sorry - please be kind to yourself