To be completely devastated....

[Justwantaneasylifenowplease]

IVF round 3 just failed, I walked out the office in floods of tears after crying hysterically down the phone to the clinic, wailing fuck over and over - laying on the boardroom floor.
Drank a bottle of wine, took some opiate pain killers until I felt numb. Told DH to still go to football as I'm sure he didn't want to be around a complete blubbering mess. Thought he needed to blow off steam, than be with his failure of a wife. Spent the evening alternating between crying and pacing the house. The big empty house we built, the one we thought we'd raise our family in.
Got up this morning and forced my self round parkrun. Burst into tears when a near stranger asked me how I'd been. Will need to find a new parkrun as this nice stranger now thinks I'm completely mental. Spent the day alternating between trying to sleep and sobbing in the shower. Whist mildly self medicating with painkillers. (Yes I know) DH wants to take me out for dinner tonight, as he leaves for work overseas again Monday. We don't live in the UK, it's Mother's Day tomorrow. I can't open social media or go anywhere without being bombarded by #soblessed. I have no conceivable idea of how to get through this. Sorry don't know what I'm hoping to achieve from this but wanted to write it down I guess.

There is no other pain quite like the one you are currently experiencing. I am so, so sorry. Do you have anyone in real life who you can be with over the next few days. Solitude, alcohol and painkillers are a toxic combo.

Don’t change parkrun - you’re a human and they are a human and everyone understands that people have feelings.

Been there 💐

actually have a daughter now via straight surrogacy- very very rare 21 years ago

Everything you describe id perfectly normal keep busy . Your overthinking park run please go back Headphone and glasses no one will bother you.

Oh, just, things sound hard right now and you need to be kind to yourself. You talk of how YOU did things right - it’s not just down to you, sometimes one can do everything perfectly and it still not happen.

Have you spoken to DH about this? About how you’re feeling? I’m concerned that you’re self-medicating, drinking and clearly not in a good place yet he still went out to the football and left you alone.

You’re not a failure. This isn’t on you. Sometimes these things happen - no one is to blame.

Re the park run stranger. They asked how you are because they cared. Don’t feel bad and don’t feel as though you can’t go back. Chances are they’re worried about you right now.

Please be kind to yourself.

We have nothing left. To try again would be another (private) round. I let DH nap, he is doing all the right things, he's older, but fit/healthy. Each time it fails, it breaks part of him too. I drank the gin. Spent the time doing my hair, make up trying to hide the frog like eyes. Put on a slightly too big new dress that I'd just bought - because hey, there is no point buying a size 8 soon it won't fit. What a fool. I feel like I'm a fraud hiding behind a mask. I'm pretending that everything is ok, but I don't know how else to cope. And yes ladies, I know about the painkillers. I consider myself well and truly told off. See completely useless, but at least I look nice.

So sorry. Be incredibly kind to yourself this weekend and don’t criticise yourself about anything. I think it’s amazing you managed ParkRun.

Have a break from it. I did. Your body is pumped full of hormones now making you feel worse (if that’s even possible)

You will be ok

We all put different masks on at times to get through the day. It doesn’t make us frauds, it’s just how we cope.

You’re allowed to be devastated and to feel all the different emotions you’re likely to be feeling. It’s normal.

You’re not useless at all.

What a brutal time you have had op. It's worse because it's out of your control and is like a continuous form of torture.

What would you say to someone in a continuous state of torture?

Is there any point in self flagellation when it's not your fault?

It's like continually hitting someone for having a broken leg. Or for losing their mind or someone they love.

It's not your fault. Please understand that in its entirety.

You would never blame another for something that was not their fault so why are you so intent on punishing yourself?

Please be kind to yourself, treat yourself, be loving and caring to yourself on times of great stress, distress and hurt.

It's so easy to self destruct when the opposite is what you need to do.

This is not your fault, you are not to blame. You are not a failure. Life can be so very cruel and you have been dealt a truly shitty hand. Let yourself grieve, seek support where you can. Xxx

So sorry. Be kind to yourself xx

You are not a failure OP. You haven't done anything wrong or failed at anything. It's crapper than crap that this has happened but please don't blame yourself or feel guilty :( xx

OP nothing I can say will make it better. I'm so so sorry.

You are NOT a failure. It took me so long to get over this way of thinking. Please do not place the guilt on yourself.

I know it's just words on a screen but I am a real woman who is in your shoes, I have felt everything you are feeling, you are not alone

Please don't blame yourself. I genuinely do wish you the very best.

I'm so very sorry. I'm sending hugs.

Please don't beat yourself up over this, it's totally beyond your control x

Oh op that's really not fair. I'm so sorry.

Oh god, I am so sorry. Please be kind to yourself. This is the terrible injustice of life, not a personal failure.

My heart goes out to you, your sadness is very evident in your words. I don’t have any sage advice but you do have my kindness. Life is cruel and unfair sometimes xx

Thinking of you

@Justwantaneasylifenowplease so sorry for this, I can't contribute much, but just want to say that the person at park run almost certainly doesn't think badly of you at all, to cry like that is very human and anyone whose known pain will know that.

I'm so sorry :-( I won't even pretend to understand what you're going through but I'm so, so sorry.

Keep up the parkrunning (they're a nice lot, I promise). Book a nice holiday. None of it will make things suddenly OK again, but you need to look after yourselves, both of you. The hurt will fade a little and then you'll be more in a frame of mind to decide what to do next (whether that's trying again, or going down another avenue). Take care xx

I've only done 1 round and it was so stressful. I'll go down the donor egg route if I can. Partly because my amh is so low and partly because I don't want to keep putting my body through this shit. Running is my life, why am I getting fat and slow for nothing?
Give yourself time to be angry xx

I would strongly advise you to delete social media xxxx

I'm so sorry. You're allowed to be furious with the world. It's not fair.

It's not your fault either. Sometimes the world is just a complete and utter bastard to us, no matter what we do or how hard we try.

You don't need to be perfect right now, just do what you need to do to get through each moment in the safest way you can.

try to be kind to yourself. you are not a failure sending huge hugs.