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Original poster

To be completely devastated....

119 replies

Justwantaneasylifenowplease · 11/05/2019 05:49

IVF round 3 just failed, I walked out the office in floods of tears after crying hysterically down the phone to the clinic, wailing fuck over and over - laying on the boardroom floor.
Drank a bottle of wine, took some opiate pain killers until I felt numb. Told DH to still go to football as I'm sure he didn't want to be around a complete blubbering mess. Thought he needed to blow off steam, than be with his failure of a wife. Spent the evening alternating between crying and pacing the house. The big empty house we built, the one we thought we'd raise our family in.
Got up this morning and forced my self round parkrun. Burst into tears when a near stranger asked me how I'd been. Will need to find a new parkrun as this nice stranger now thinks I'm completely mental. Spent the day alternating between trying to sleep and sobbing in the shower. Whist mildly self medicating with painkillers. (Yes I know) DH wants to take me out for dinner tonight, as he leaves for work overseas again Monday. We don't live in the UK, it's Mother's Day tomorrow. I can't open social media or go anywhere without being bombarded by #soblessed. I have no conceivable idea of how to get through this. Sorry don't know what I'm hoping to achieve from this but wanted to write it down I guess.

OP posts:
Humpy84 · 13/05/2019 01:59

Op I felt like a failure because had to have c section and couldn’t breastfeed and the many more imperfect things that have happened since. These feelings of self doubt and blame the expectations we have to concieve, birth and raise a baby perfectly are just all part of the motherhood journey - welcome to the club !!! You sadness is a testament to how desperate you are to love a child and I believe you’ll be wonderful.

Candymay · 13/05/2019 02:02

I’ve been through it. Awful. It’s not your fault. Try again if you can do it. So sorry you’re going through this and well done for taking time off work. Also no one seeing you cry will think you are mad. It’s terribly upsetting. Take care of yourself and keep going.

Humpy84 · 13/05/2019 02:07

So the motherhood journey has started a little sooner for you than someone who doesn’t have these struggles. There are so many guidelines and rules for conceiving but science only goes so far. There things that will make conception more likely but so many things that can’t be explained and are random. Many of my fit, healthy friends have struggled with fertility. All of them now have children and I think in the end it was a combination of luck and science. Please don’t call yourself a failure when you are the opposite, you’re disciplined, determined, strong, ambitious and have all the qualities that will make you a wonderful mother. I can’t pretend to imagine what you’re going through but I know that you deserve to be a mum and that this is just a random, unfair thing. I believe it will work out for you some way or another and I send you my support and best wishes,

GirlRaisedInTheSouth · 13/05/2019 02:15

I’ve been in your position OP. Why didn’t it work? Can you tell us what went wrong? Someone who has been there might have some advice.

Prettyvase · 13/05/2019 07:18

Very exciting news about you getting a puppy!

Definitely a good idea not to put the rest of your life on hold.

You have an unlimited amount of love to give and the best thing you could do is to pour it into other things Smile

TheABC · 13/05/2019 07:32

Just messaging with a hug. It sucks and your are grieving for that lost chance. You are right to take a pause and think about your next steps. You have a lot of love to give and there are many ways to give it.

Ginger1982 · 13/05/2019 07:45

So sorry to hear this. I have had one successful round of IVF, one that failed and currently going through another. I know I am blessed to have a child but I can empathise with your disappointment. A puppy will be great though! We had one before DS and spoiled him rotten. He was our baby back then Thanks

Fleetheart · 13/05/2019 07:52

Yes go for the puppy! That sounds fab xx

NameChanger300 · 13/05/2019 08:50

Name changed for this OP but here is my beautiful pregnancy loss puppy Flowers he saved my life.

I really wish you the best.

To be completely devastated....
NameChanger300 · 13/05/2019 08:50

Name changed for this OP but here is my beautiful pregnancy loss puppy flowers he saved my life.

I really wish you the best.

To be completely devastated....
AngelsWithSilverWings · 13/05/2019 09:03

So sorry you are going through this. I had four rounds of IVF before saying enough is enough. I couldn't put myself through it anymore so we decided to have a break.

A year later Mother Nature played another cruel trick on me when I became pregnant naturally and then miscarried on Mother's Day of all days. That misscarriage almost destroyed me. I never conceived again and to be honest it put me off even wanting to try again.

You have to put yourself first now. Get signed off sick for a week or so so that you can start to recover physically, emotionally and mentally from all that you have been through. Spend the time doing whatever gives you the most comfort. For me it was wallowing in bed with tea , biscuits and a box set of Friends DVDs. I still get a strange comfort when an episode comes on the TV all these years later.

I have to disagree about the puppy though. Never make an important decision like that when you are feeling so vulnerable. Leave it a few months or so at least.

A year after my miscarriage we made the decision to adopt. I got my happy ending that way. I know it's not for everyone though and I'm not suggesting for a second that that's what you should do.

I now look back on the dark days of IVF and the miscarriage and see it all as part of my long and tough 10 year journey to becoming a parent. Without the grief I wouldn't have got the joy I have now.

Please look after yourself.

Ohkayyy · 13/05/2019 09:50

I don't think the puppy is a bad idea if you've been wanting one anyway. It won't work for everyone of course but I say go for it if you've been thinking about it for a while!

Original poster
Justwantaneasylifenowplease · 13/05/2019 09:54

Just so everyone is clear, puppy is not a complete knee jerk. We've wanted one for a while, but timing hasn't been right. We were in a rental while we built, then we built, had no money or fence, then IVF. So it's always been on the radar, but put it off due to the baby journey.
It's failed for various reasons, not taking, not getting to day 5, getting to day 5 but not being genetically viable.
I took today off, worked then I could. Saw my BF for coffee. Went to view a puppy, fell in love. Generally just felt a bit stronger. Will brave the office in the morning. My SIL offered to come over and look after me, take me to hers cook and care for me. My sis in the UK went and bought be a beautiful yellow sundress. My mum has been texting daily. My friends are doing everything they can. I feel very supported. To everyone who has shared their stories - thank you. To everyone who has offered comfort thank you. It's complete hell, but I have 2 choices let it destroy me or keep moving forward. I know what I need to do.

OP posts:
VampirateQueen · 13/05/2019 09:55

Oh sweetheart, I don't really know what to say, I have never been in your position, but I didn't want to read and run.
You are NOT a failure. Take your time to mourn. If you do decide to try again, I wish you all the luck in the world, I really do. Flowers

SerenDippitty · 13/05/2019 10:04

I am so very sorry 💐. Been there. It’s shit. Hugs x.

caperplips · 13/05/2019 10:28

OP huge hugs to you. The devastation of failed IVF is enormous. We have been there too. It is just utterly overwhelming.

I think just being kind to yourself and actually letting yourself feel whatever it is you feel is the best thing.

Thinking of you and your dh xx

Stumpedasatree · 13/05/2019 10:35

@Justwantaneasylifenowplease, big hugs to you, do whatever you feel you need to do to get through this pain and godawful disappointment, but ultimately, self care is crucial and that can't involve medicating with alcohol/painkillers.

For what it's worth, I had both my children through IVF and host surrogacy. It was not easy but I am so grateful that it exists as there was no other way for me. I am not sure if this is anything you would like to look at in the future, but there are some other options.

raeray · 13/05/2019 16:58

Oh OP my heart breaks for you the torment of infertility is cruel.
It sounds like you have wonderful people around you. The thought of your sister buying you the wonderful yellow sundress brought a little tear to my eye.

What type of puppy are you thinking of getting OP?

Keep posting you're amongst people who understand Thanks

Justaboy · 13/05/2019 18:08

One of our younger relatives has just gone thru IVF I don't know of how many cycles quite a few I believe and it cost them a fair old bit but she finally got there, she almost gave up and it must be awfull to decide when to do that too.

The Puppy;?.

Enjoy him please, I expect he will bring much joy to you:-)

Post a picture, but only if you feel up to it.

Original poster
Justwantaneasylifenowplease · 13/05/2019 22:25

On the commute to work trying not to cry ..... we are looking at staffy's, (yes, yes I know) full pedigree, show bloodlines. Black with white bib, blue with white bib. Just gorgeous.

OP posts:
Justaboy · 13/05/2019 23:54

There're fine dogs much maligned by some but fine if their trained well and looked after which I'm sure you will.

A lovely young Labrador has moved in across the road i've offered to take her for walkies typicall Lab only concerned with her guts and filling it with as much grub as she can cadge!.

Original poster
Justwantaneasylifenowplease · 14/05/2019 07:50

So the nice stranger from parkrun contacted me, just to say that she was thinking of me and that she was sending me a hug. I burst into tears in the office. But was so touched by her kindness.

OP posts:
SeahorseWilderness · 14/05/2019 08:11

It's lovely the park runner got in touch...everyone has their own struggles in life and moments where it's all too much so any empathetic person would understand and clearly they did which is lovely.

So sorry you are going through this OP, we have experienced secondary infertility and it's exhausting but we are so grateful to have one child. It's great that you have such a good relationship with your husband, what's helping us is to do all the things you might not do with a baby, we recently went skiing and had a fab time. And I think a dog is a good idea as well, to provide unconditional love, I really want one too, but need to convince DH! He's not so keen X

chocolateandpinkgin · 14/05/2019 09:26

So the nice stranger from parkrun contacted me, just to say that she was thinking of me and that she was sending me a hug. I burst into tears in the office. But was so touched by her kindness

How did she find you? That's so lovely Smile thinking of you Flowers

Original poster
Justwantaneasylifenowplease · 14/05/2019 10:26

I'm very prevalent in my parkrun, often do the briefing etc Often pace stray kids, anyone really that will hang with me. We run in a similar pack, often comment on each other's pace. I guess parkrun is just magic.......

OP posts:
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