To be completely devastated....

[Justwantaneasylifenowplease]

IVF round 3 just failed, I walked out the office in floods of tears after crying hysterically down the phone to the clinic, wailing fuck over and over - laying on the boardroom floor.
Drank a bottle of wine, took some opiate pain killers until I felt numb. Told DH to still go to football as I'm sure he didn't want to be around a complete blubbering mess. Thought he needed to blow off steam, than be with his failure of a wife. Spent the evening alternating between crying and pacing the house. The big empty house we built, the one we thought we'd raise our family in.
Got up this morning and forced my self round parkrun. Burst into tears when a near stranger asked me how I'd been. Will need to find a new parkrun as this nice stranger now thinks I'm completely mental. Spent the day alternating between trying to sleep and sobbing in the shower. Whist mildly self medicating with painkillers. (Yes I know) DH wants to take me out for dinner tonight, as he leaves for work overseas again Monday. We don't live in the UK, it's Mother's Day tomorrow. I can't open social media or go anywhere without being bombarded by #soblessed. I have no conceivable idea of how to get through this. Sorry don't know what I'm hoping to achieve from this but wanted to write it down I guess.

I'm very prevalent in my parkrun, often do the briefing etc Often pace stray kids, anyone really that will hang with me. We run in a similar pack, often comment on each other's pace. I guess parkrun is just magic.......

Ahh I see! Yeah parkrun is great, me and my son go a lot take care of yourself x

That's lovely! There are some great people out there.

I hope life is on the up for you, OP. Dogs are wonderful things, sometimes frustrating but often truly entertaining.

So the nice stranger from parkrun contacted me, just to say that she was thinking of me and that she was sending me a hug. I burst into tears in the office. But was so touched by her kindness.
See, people don't think you're a mad woman.

Good luck with the puppy. S/he can never be a substitute but hopefully S/he'll make the pain slightly more bearable and be some comfort at this difficult point in your life.

OP so so sorry. I really second getting that puppy, we are lucky to have one living child but had birth trauma/ptsd and unable to have more as now suffer secondary infertility. My dog saved my life in no uncertain terms. They are the most amazing creatures to walk this earth, they listen you all your problems and provide a fury shoulder to cry on. All the best wherever you go

Sending you hugs OP! I'd lend you one of my hound doggies to cuddle while you wait for your adorable puppy! You are strong even though you don't feel like it right now. No one could go through that many rounds of treatment without great courage!

Sorry that it hasn't worked. IVF is bloody nightmare.

I had one failed cycle before my successful one. The difference in number of follicles, eggs, womb lining thickness, sperm quality, embryo grading was like night and day.

The first cycle I went into blind bi knew nothing. Just did what the clinic said. For he second cycle I paid privately to see specialists, took a specific range of supplements and vitamins and it worked.

If you are not already on them, look into CoQ10, high dose vitamin C and E and also omegas (DHA and EPA). All these are proven through various medical research to be essential in creating healthy eggs, sperm and ultimately embryos. I would also recommend an endometrial scratch.

Good luck.

You ran the park run after all of that- you are amazing!

Thank you again to everyone who has taken the time to comment. I feel really worn out today. Think it's lack of calories and not enough water.
DH is back tonight and I can't wait for him to be back.

We got the puppy!
She comes home in about 4 weeks

Have a great time with her. You can have a lot of fun with a well-trained happy dog - and they get you out into the fresh air as well.

I am glad you are feel more positive. You're very strong, things have a way of working out. Good luck

Aw enjoy!

Congrats on the puppy!

Yes, as another mentioned, you can check with your doctor about CoQ10. And, a water and fat-soluble form absorbs better.

Congratulations on the puppy.

I’m so sorry for you op. I don’t think anything anyone can say can make it less painful but I just wanted to write that you come across as such a lovely, vibrant, intelligent person. You have so much to give, to yourself more than anyone else. Be kind to yourself.

Hey! Lady.
You are NOT a failure, Mother Nature might be, but NOT you.
Your husband doesn’t think you are either, or he would not being going thru this with you again.
Stop! Breathe! Be kind to each other.
See this as a chance to reconnect with your husband, remember why you love each other, take a time out for each other with each other, not as another failed baby making exercise. Recharge and relax, can you take a little trip? A weekend away? Fall in love with yourself again instead of berating yourself.
Then when YOU are ready, not just your cycle, go for it.
As the saying goes: the successful one is the person who tried on more time.
Love 💕 and hugs 🤗

Stay strong ❤️

So sorry to hear of your pain. The heartbreak of infertility and loss is immeasurable.

It sounds like you and your husband are happy and in love and that is something to be treasured. Our infertility almost broke both me personally and our marriage. If we had not had a successful round in 2015 we would not be married now. I hated myself and everyone around me and was on a path to self destruct as a result.

You sound awesome - strong, determined, self-aware, fit and healthy. Your family are lucky to have you in their lives and it sounds like they know it.

Good luck to you in whatever your future holds.

Ps I have two cats - one from about two years into TTC when we began to suspect all was not right, and one from when my cycle was cancelled from OHSS. I needed to love SOMETHING that was dependent upon me (husbands don't count...)

Thanks again for the kind words. I don't think I give myself credit for how strong I am. I think it's only when you are really tested your realise that. Got through a tough mudder at the weekend. My mum sent me a poignant message prior, do it but don't use it to punish yourself. I look at the pictures, during and after and all I see is a huge bright smile. Yes I'm not where I want to be. But to quote a wiser man than me. If you are going through hell, keep going.
Thanks again everyone and you'll be pleased to hear I've knocked the pills on the head.

OP, I am so full of admiration for you. You are so right to realise your strength!

The puppy sounds wonderful. Might a listening ear (good friend, counsellor, psychotherapist specialising in these issues?) also help?