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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel angry at this so called mum friend?

129 replies

Theweegobshite · 10/05/2019 22:05

Dd is 6 and shy and unsure of herself. For the majority of her school life she's had a "friendship" with one particular girl, I'll call her Alice. Alice is a very dominant character and dd follows her round like a little puppy but Alice seems largely indifferent to her.

Last year we had loads of problems with dd coming home saying Alice had been unkind to her. I tried advising dd how to respond and encouraged her to play with others but a couple of times we had to involve the school. I'm friends with Alice's mum but I didn't involve her, I thought it best if the school deal with it. They spoke to Alice and tried to keep them separate as much as possible and did some general pse lessons on friendship. Unfortunately both the girls still kept asking for playdates with each other and I went along with it against my better judgment.

Now the school informed me that Alice has hit dd. Dd says it's been going on for a while but she's been too afraid to tell. Alice's mum got very upset. I made it clear to her that I didn't have a problem with her but I felt the girls needed space from each other so cooled off the playdates and cancelled a day out we'd planned. Dd actually asked me to cancel this. Mum said she was ok with it but clearly she isn't. She's been blanking me at the school gate and arranging get togethers with the other mums and deliberately excluding me. Apparently she said to another mum that I've over reacted and even implied that my daughter is a liar. I genuinely thought this woman was my friend and I'm so hurt.

Aibu to feel annoyed with her and to think that friendships with other mums are only possible if the children are getting on?

OP posts:
Poppy43 · 10/05/2019 22:14

You are protecting your daughter and putting her needs first. Stuff what school mum thinks, if she wants to behave like a teenager let her crack on

SpeedyBojangles · 10/05/2019 22:16

I think you need to distance yourself from this mum and your DD from hers.

SpeedyBojangles · 10/05/2019 22:17

And yes, I think it's extremely difficult to try and maintain a friendship with someone if your kids don't get along. Particularly if it involves any kind of bullying behaviour, which this does.

AnnieMay100 · 10/05/2019 22:18

She is probably feeling guilty and embarrassed deep down. Some people get defensive and try and cover their tracks, it’s understandable she wants to protect her DD However she and her daughter are in the wrong not you or your DD and you have every right to be angry. Sounds like the friendship has drifted and the girls have grown apart, normal for their ages, but the girls behaviour isn’t normal and I wouldn’t want my DD near her. Encourage DD to make new friends, she shouldn’t have to put up with being picked on or physically hurt and you don’t need to chase after the girls mum, find new mums to chat to and accept the friendship has run its course.
A girl regularly does this To my DD so I know how you feel, I keep them separate and avoid any contact with the parents too. If you have any concerns then perhaps bring it up with the head teacher or class teacher to keep an eye on things.

Original poster
Theweegobshite · 10/05/2019 22:18

I think she just finds it impossible to believe her child has a problem.

OP posts:
CripsSandwiches · 10/05/2019 22:19

Deep down she's worried about her DD's behaviour and is being defensive by blaming you and your DD for exaggerating and lying, rather than having to face up to some home truths.

Original poster
Theweegobshite · 10/05/2019 22:23

If dd is playing with another child Alice seems to punish her and push her away and dd looks so crestfallen. I wish she had the strength to not be manipulated by her.

OP posts:
MacrosomicMumma · 10/05/2019 22:24

We're inching towards a situation like this with our best friends and their daughter. She's increasingly mean to our DD (who is nearly 2 years younger) even with them being our best friends and it being incredibly difficult, I'm prepared to do the same as you.

While it feels horrible, you have done the right thing and it's her issue. You can't control how she responds only how you respond and no happy, confident person acts as defensive as she has. She knows.

Cherrysoup · 10/05/2019 22:24

Your dd is more important than being friendly with this woman. She’ll get over it.

OutInTheCountry · 10/05/2019 22:25

Sorry OP, that's really crappy. It sounds like you've handled it really well and the other mum is being unreasonable. I think trying to separate them sounds like the best approach and if that means the other mum is pissed off then so be it. I think just stay as friendly as you can.

janeybumtum · 10/05/2019 22:25

I think the woman is probably so embarrassed that her daughter is going round hitting other children and behaving like a twat that she is trying to freeze you out to make it look like the problem is with you, so the other parents don't back off from her and her child. A similar thing happened when I was little - I was horribly bullied by a couple of girls who were sisters, it was so bad my parents had to keep contacting the school. My mum got completely excluded from the friendship group of other parents she'd been socialising with (some of their kids had started joining in with it). She ended up becoming friends with nicer kids parents and was very happy again. I think the best thing to do is to start being friendlier to the parents with nicer kids and forget the mother of the horrible little girl. It's a shame to loose a friend, but she hasn't dealt with it very well and will probably do her child no favours by refusing to accept it's in the wrong

Skittlesandbeer · 10/05/2019 22:35

Time to join in a new after-school activity, and make friends there. Both of you.

One day, Alice won’t even be a bad memory. It feels very intense at the time, but it does fade quite quickly.

Helsvamp · 10/05/2019 22:42

I don't make friends with other mums as can be bitchy which runs into the kids

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 10/05/2019 22:59

We have this with a girl and a mum at my daughter's school. I've no real advice about how to deal with the mum. Most of the mum's started blanking me and my daughter was not invited to any parties. I tried to build better relations with them but I got nowhere. I stopped bothering and we do lots of after school activities now and everything's a lot better.

Now it seems to have died down a bit. The mums are being friendlier and the daughter has now got a diagnosis. I can't be bothered with most of the mum's anymore.

justasking111 · 10/05/2019 22:59

If she is bitching about you, you can bet the other mums will be giving her the side eye. We are not daft and know that a precious little DD can be a manipulative evil little minx.

Antigon · 10/05/2019 23:02

You are protecting your daughter and putting her needs first.

Yes, this. DD is your priority and rightly so.

Bringbackthestripes · 10/05/2019 23:02

Mum said she was ok with it but clearly she isn't. She's been blanking me at the school gate and arranging get togethers with the other mums and deliberately excluding me. Apparently she said to another mum that I've over reacted and even implied that my daughter is a liar. I genuinely thought this woman was my friend and I'm so hurt.

I think she is in damage limitation mode. She is all out on the charm offensive because she knows her child has been awful and is worried she won’t have any friends in future so is hastily trying to make new friends. Some people are total shits....and then your realise where their kids get it from. It is hurtful op but move on and rise above it. The genuine people will KNOW and will keep her at arms length Flowers

Cranky17 · 10/05/2019 23:04

Is she actually blanking you? You’ve said that you would like to cool things off a bit, so she is, she’s planning playfayes with other children and excluding you, but you asked to cool things off. If she invited you then that would be wrong too.

How did you get onto the subject with the other parent?

Original poster
Theweegobshite · 10/05/2019 23:06

She doesn't reply when I say hello to her. She's not organising play dates she's organising meals out with my friends - no children. My closest mum friend told me what she had said.

OP posts:
Original poster
Theweegobshite · 10/05/2019 23:08

My aim was not to fall out with her, to try and keep our children's issues separate from our friendship but in hindsight this was probably unrealistic. I feel that I'm being punished.

OP posts:
DerrenBrownings · 10/05/2019 23:10

God does anyone these days just pick their children up from school and drop them off with no "mum friending" and "play dates" in between. I cant imagine being this invested. I work full time and have studying and all sorts to do. Seems so alien to me.

mathanxiety · 10/05/2019 23:13

I don't think this woman is embarrassed. I think the apple has fallen right at the foot of the tree.

You are dealing with a toxic Queen Bee type.

I recommend the book 'Queen Bees and Wannabes' by Rosalind Wiseman.

There is a companion book on Queen Bee mothers.

mathanxiety · 10/05/2019 23:14

Yes, you are being punished. The punishment is exclusion.

Original poster
Theweegobshite · 10/05/2019 23:14

DerrenBrownings I can't imagine being so uninvested.

OP posts:
Cranky17 · 10/05/2019 23:15

My aim was not to fall out with her, to try and keep our children's issues separate from our friendship but in hindsight this was probably unrealistic. I feel that I'm being punished.

I think this is so difficult an almost impossible if your children don’t get on. If they are indifferent to each other it’s much easier

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