To feel angry at this so called mum friend?

[Theweegobshite]

Dd is 6 and shy and unsure of herself. For the majority of her school life she's had a "friendship" with one particular girl, I'll call her Alice. Alice is a very dominant character and dd follows her round like a little puppy but Alice seems largely indifferent to her.

Last year we had loads of problems with dd coming home saying Alice had been unkind to her. I tried advising dd how to respond and encouraged her to play with others but a couple of times we had to involve the school. I'm friends with Alice's mum but I didn't involve her, I thought it best if the school deal with it. They spoke to Alice and tried to keep them separate as much as possible and did some general pse lessons on friendship. Unfortunately both the girls still kept asking for playdates with each other and I went along with it against my better judgment.

Now the school informed me that Alice has hit dd. Dd says it's been going on for a while but she's been too afraid to tell. Alice's mum got very upset. I made it clear to her that I didn't have a problem with her but I felt the girls needed space from each other so cooled off the playdates and cancelled a day out we'd planned. Dd actually asked me to cancel this. Mum said she was ok with it but clearly she isn't. She's been blanking me at the school gate and arranging get togethers with the other mums and deliberately excluding me. Apparently she said to another mum that I've over reacted and even implied that my daughter is a liar. I genuinely thought this woman was my friend and I'm so hurt.

Aibu to feel annoyed with her and to think that friendships with other mums are only possible if the children are getting on?

I agree with DerrenBrownings.

My five DCs are aged 17 to 28 now so I have done many years of duty at the school gate. My advice is to learn to spot a developing clique and avoid it like the plague - you are witnessing the development of a clique here. Cliques nearly always have a toxic individual at their centre.

Also, encourage your child's friendships but understand that everything may well be completely up in the air especially with girls when they hit ages 10 to 13, sometimes with incredible bile and rancour involved as friendships do a massive stitcheroo, and always with parents who have been good friends left reeling, wondering what the heck just happened, and how the parental friendships can go on.
Hint - they rarely survive.

Mathanxiety - good to have advice from someone who's experienced all this before. I think I was over invested and trying too hard to be friends with other mums before - my own insecurities and also wrongly thinking it would benefit dd somehow as well.

She's a tween now and have learnt my lesson over the last year or two, you don't have to be mates with mums just because your kids are, and indeed like you say I was left reeling after seeing a completely different side to someone I thought was a good friend when our dd's had a rocky patch. The kids are still good friends but I distanced myself from the other mum.

Also, when the kids go to secondary school, and there's no more school gate mum cliques because children mostly take the bus, walk etc by themselves, what do the mums do then?! I can think of several cliques who won't know what to do with themselves in a couple of years...

She's embarassed, and is having a little frenzy of self-justification (something we're quite used to seeing on this list!)

Team Derren!!!!! Woo!!!! It just seems a little unhealthy to me to develop adult friendships that revolve around kids' friendships. The kids need to develop their own connections without parental pressure, however subtle (and often not so subtle). Better to be super friendly and helpful to other mums but go make other friends based on your own interests? I had a 'mom friend' who declared our kids besties and also taught my child. My...that was awkward when her child kept making racist comments and picking on my younger girl and was no longer invited for tea. The other mom actually asked my CHILD IN CLASS why her child was not invited over. Arggh so unfair on my kid who was mortified.