To feel angry at this so called mum friend?

[Theweegobshite]

Dd is 6 and shy and unsure of herself. For the majority of her school life she's had a "friendship" with one particular girl, I'll call her Alice. Alice is a very dominant character and dd follows her round like a little puppy but Alice seems largely indifferent to her.

Last year we had loads of problems with dd coming home saying Alice had been unkind to her. I tried advising dd how to respond and encouraged her to play with others but a couple of times we had to involve the school. I'm friends with Alice's mum but I didn't involve her, I thought it best if the school deal with it. They spoke to Alice and tried to keep them separate as much as possible and did some general pse lessons on friendship. Unfortunately both the girls still kept asking for playdates with each other and I went along with it against my better judgment.

Now the school informed me that Alice has hit dd. Dd says it's been going on for a while but she's been too afraid to tell. Alice's mum got very upset. I made it clear to her that I didn't have a problem with her but I felt the girls needed space from each other so cooled off the playdates and cancelled a day out we'd planned. Dd actually asked me to cancel this. Mum said she was ok with it but clearly she isn't. She's been blanking me at the school gate and arranging get togethers with the other mums and deliberately excluding me. Apparently she said to another mum that I've over reacted and even implied that my daughter is a liar. I genuinely thought this woman was my friend and I'm so hurt.

Aibu to feel annoyed with her and to think that friendships with other mums are only possible if the children are getting on?

I’m sorry that you and your daughter have had this to deal with. Some parents find it hard to believe that their angels ....aren’t!
Just take care of your daughter, hold her and your head up high as you have done nothing wrong.
Your ‘friend’ hasn’t taught her daughter manners or morals. Better to leave the, to it!

It's the mother, not the friendship. Yes, you can continue to be friends when the kids fall out, if you are both reasonable people. I mean they usually make up the next day anyway.
In this case the mother didn't want to accept her dd was wrong, and would rather vilify OP.

I'd just smile sweetly and a brief hello when you see her. as the other mums find out what her and her dd are like people won't want to know.
Just think of school mum friendships as something you do for your kids. So arrange play dates etc, you don't have to be besties to support your childs friendships

Majority of school mum friends are precisely just this and you shouldn’t get too involved. No one will choose you over their kid so if there are problems then let it go and just keep them at arms length. I’m a really friendly social person and have found this out hard way - some that I thought I could call ‘a friend’ have turned out to be vicious bitches!! I now stick with my actual friends and just keep the school ones at arms length

I’ve stayed friends with other mums when kids have fallen out & have been glad they’ve taken bad behaviour towards my child seriously & I have back if my child has behaved badly. School stuff we’d generally leave at school unless ongoing or physical. The Mum is being a d*ck & kids learn by modelling.....

Classic reaction, I’m afraid. Just move on and get less invested in her little scene.

We had extremely similar happen with ds1’s friend when they transitioned to secondary together. Some mean teasing turned very dark and verged on criminal over several months. By the time ds1 was showing signs that something major was going on and told us about it, we thought the wisest thing would be to ask the school to sort it because that’s the done thing and also due to the friendship we had with the mum. Also assumed, wrongly, that she would agree with this course of action, seeing as she works in a school. Oh, things got very nasty when she absolutely would not accept that her darling angel could have done any of those things, despite other children confirming it and mobile phone videos of him. We tried to be the better people by not discussing it with anyone and moving ds1 to another school for his safety and wellbeing (he had started to talk very darkly about how it had made him fee, parents’ worse nightmare kind of talk iykwim). But she lowered herself and spread a very different story about what had happened, to the extent that none of his primary friends would talk with him again and all except one set of parents would ever acknowledge me again lol. This was a long time ago now, probably about 4 years ago or more, but she still finds many ways to try and badmouth me in a professional area we have both been in. She amuses me now with her bitterness and I can see she is very unhappy in her personal life, but it took me a couple of years to get to this state of inner peace about it. Tricky as it is, that is what you need to aim for, OP - that state if not giving a shit about someone who is blind to the truth. It is enough to know that you are right 😂

God I am dreading this kind of crap when my son goes to school next year. I had a very love/hate relationship with some friends back in junior school but I was/am a very strong and willfull person so I found it easy to deal with. Do you really have to be friends with the parents in order for your child to be included in playdates and party's etc? I hate the thought of my child being excluded but christ, do I have to get involved in all that socialising crap?!

There were a nice enough group of Mums in dd's years at primary (tiny school - so 13 in her year - I think 6 of which were girls). Dd was 'best buddies' with one particular girl, instigated in the main by the Mum of the other girl. But Lord above did those two fight! If you can imagine 2 queen bees?? That's what they were. Myself and the other Mum were not terribly friendly (quite stifled conversation in each other's kitchens while the pair of drama queens went off upstairs at drop-offs etc.). But never once did we fall out - that said, nothing ever came up that I felt needed to be dealt with by the school - and even if it had - I think we'd have just shook our heads and laughed at the pair of divas!

Dd is still friends with this girl and her family have brought her on several holidays, to music concerts etc. They still have sleepovers but are now in different secondary schools so they're drifting apart.
The heartache that dd experienced when they'd fall out used to gut me, but from slight suggestions, it worked both ways and my own diva could be a little brat at times too!
No fuss was made out of it. Ever.

No, I really didn't know any of the parents, apart from this other Mum on a superficial level, but dd was always invited.

@Pancakeboobs that's exactly how I feel!! I'm sure you dont have to be mates with the mums to get invites etc?! Everyone I know with kids at school work full time, do pick up and drops off but dont get involved with this crap and their kids are still always at parties and all sorts from school friends. So I dunno really but yes I'm dreading it too!!

You have done totally the right thing to protect your daughter . Also over time this girl and her mother will become very insignificant in your life. I have faced similar situations over the years as eldest is 16 and youngest 11. On reflection a lot of things I have worried about as a younger Mum don’t matter now . Stay strong and stick to your guns 💐

I don’t understand why, if this mum was previously your friend, that you didn’t involve her previously when the school was intervening in the friendship problems. Perhaps this would have been a good idea. Her daughter is only 6, she’s still really young in learning how to deal with relationships with peers, and obviously was struggling- albeit not in the same way as your daughter. She should not be cast as villain- she’s just learning how to deal with others and making mistakes . Leaving the school to deal with it without involving her mother - your friend - might well have made this mother think that you thought badly of her and she may be upset (and angry) with you because of this.

Time to take the dignified High ground, and ignore everything that is going on. Its appropriate that its happening outside the playground.This is juvenile behaviour of "he said,she said" and you should be above that.
Let it die a natural death.

derren You seem to be in the glorious position of not having experienced any problems at school so far (or you don't know about them yet) however it is unlikely to continue forever, and then you may understand that it is not about all this 'crap' but a child that can not sleep, eat or function properly at school because they are so unhappy and sob every single evening.

It is the spectacle of having to drag your child into school every morning kicking and screaming. It is knowing that your child, the little person you love more than anything is being hit for the first time, shouted at and is scared.

It is NOT about socialising or best buddy friendships at the school gate, it is trying to provide a safe and nurturing environment for your child whilst they are away from home. Being friendly to other parents is part of this. It is natural to want to know the parents your child is spending time with at playdates, good parenting to know they are safe decent human beings that can be trusted.

Your dismissive attitude on here is likely to come back and bite you.

Standing from a distance and being uninvolved with your children's schooling will have its own consequences.

There's a massive difference between avoiding the school gate mafia and being "uninvolved with your children's schooling". I'm with Derren and I've got decades more experience of this than she has!

I'm also with Derren. I used to drop off and pick up, and would say hello and brief chat to the same few mums, even became friendly with 1 and we would do playdates in each others house. We still meet up occasionally 16 years later without the kids obv but she was the only mum I became friendly with and I saw my 2 through the same school.
But apart from that I was not involved at all unless it was to drop off/pick up at parties etc. If a child came for tea their parent would collect and we would chat niceties very briefly but all of this was done on a superficial level and there was no gossip or clique that I was a part of.
I would say I was as uninvolved as it was possible to be, without appearing rude and aloof. It can be done.

THANK YOU that 2 posters - you totally see where I'm coming from

@Springwalk your post was very nasty. My opinion has nothing to do with bullying etc and my child. My posts relate to this business of the school gate mafia and being a part of that as another poster put it. If my child was hit or bullied etc i would deal with that, believe me I am not a woman to be messed with. BUT I do NOT need to be part of a gossipy group of mums going out on the town every week in order to achieve this. So honestly your opinion on my views and situation is not required.

I had this EXACT problem with my daughter a few years back. A queen bee mum (in her head!) she thought her child could do no wrong - she just couldn’t accept it despite other children witnessing the behaviour from her dd and a few others in her gang. The school took it very seriously and questioned them all (it was more than one physical incident). The others all apologised apart from this woman’s daughter. She had the cheek to come up to me in tears in the playground as “her dd was very hurt by what your dd has done” (I.e. called her out on her nasty, bullying behaviour). I flipped out and told her exactly what I thought and I think she was extremely shocked (I’m usually very laid back - I think she thought she could bully me too).
She also had the gall to ring around the other parents in the gang and try to get them to complain to the school about us! Luckily the teachers who dealt with it were brilliant and I think they had her card marked already as she is a very domineering, irritating person.

Stay strong Op - you will be fine and so will your daughter. Stick to your guns and don’t let this woman bother you. Be polite but distant, don’t slag her off to others and you will come out as the bigger person.

derren I don't like the way you refer to anyone dropping their child at school, as 'gossipy' 'mafia' mums, you are being very offensive, and describing it as 'crappy' etc etc. Putting the op down for supporting her child, and your advice about just leaving them to it is unhelpful.
Believe it or not, those 'mafia' parents are just the same as you - doing their best for their dc.

it is trying to provide a safe and nurturing environment for your child whilst they are away from home Being friendly to other parents is part of this

Yes it is but you're not talking about that, are you? You're talking about being excluded from nights out well away from the playground.

The real issue here is the mis-treatment of your dd. Sorry this woman has turned on you but I have to agree with others who say you are over-invested in school mum friendships. Most of these women you will probably never see again after your child leaves primary. Be polite and friendly to other mums, make a bit of small talk if you like and leave it there. Concentrate on other friendships from other walks of life, those you had before your dd started school.

You need to set a good example to your dd how NOT to be treated by others. You are acting a little bit like your dd - being overly hurt and trying to crawl back to others who have not treated you well. If someone doesn't treat you decently, then they don't deserve YOUR friendship - a lesson for you and dd.

You need to set a good example to your dd how NOT to be treated by others I second this. You only get a few chances with dc to really show them how to retain their self respect, and deal with the darker side of some friendships. This is the perfect opportunity. Do it well, and use it as a lesson in life for your dd.

I'm with Derren too. I didn't join in any of this (basically as an "incomer" I wasn't welcome, although later on when one or two realised I was a native English speaker they tried to arrange "english speaking playdates" to improve the kids' English - I gave them a price and never heard about it again). They were awful in so many ways that finally when we left the school I thanked the teachers and told the parents to look deep inside themselves and ask if they had been welcoming of our family and left it at that.

They did have friendship groups among the children, and play dates etc, but i never found it necessary to be more than polite to the parents and it worked perfectly well, even when some of them bullied my DC, the school handled it.

Try to rise above it, and be the adult in the situation that she is incapable of being it seems. If she keeps on blanking you then maybe downgrade saying hello to just trying to make eye contact and smile, be the bigger person, preferably in front of the other mums and they will soon see what she's really like, plus I bet the same thing will happen to other people who thought they were friends with her too over the coming years!

@Springwalk I assume you're an involved school gate mum and somehow taking offence to what I'm saying?? Either way you're totally misreading what I'm saying. It has nothing to do with her defending her child - literally all I'm saying is stop getting over invested with the other mums - its that simple and easy. Lots of other posters agree with me and understand what I am saying - they wouldn't do that if I was being offensive in general or to the OP.

There is also a huge difference between the type of mums who spend a lot of time at the gates chatting,befriending each other, encouraging lots of activities with each other and with their children to those parents who literally just pick up and drop off and maybe say a quick hello to other parents - and who perhaps even have play dates for their DCs benefit but aren't actively mates with those DCs parents.

Maybe Alice's Mum should grow up a little and accept that just because we all love our children, that does not mean our little treasures are indeed flawless. Cannot abide parents who behave like, its all too common and in my view, sends the wrong message to the darling bullies. Give her and her offspring a wide berth and show your own little girl that bullies and toxic people can and should be avoided. Been through this with own Daughter who is 19 now and she is confident and very choosy about who she mixes with. I sincerely hope your little girl will bounce back from this and find a much nicer friend.

You have done the right thing, you’re just protecting your daughter as any parent should. Ignore this moron, she clearly thinks her daughter is an angel.