To feel angry at this so called mum friend?

[Theweegobshite]

Dd is 6 and shy and unsure of herself. For the majority of her school life she's had a "friendship" with one particular girl, I'll call her Alice. Alice is a very dominant character and dd follows her round like a little puppy but Alice seems largely indifferent to her.

Last year we had loads of problems with dd coming home saying Alice had been unkind to her. I tried advising dd how to respond and encouraged her to play with others but a couple of times we had to involve the school. I'm friends with Alice's mum but I didn't involve her, I thought it best if the school deal with it. They spoke to Alice and tried to keep them separate as much as possible and did some general pse lessons on friendship. Unfortunately both the girls still kept asking for playdates with each other and I went along with it against my better judgment.

Now the school informed me that Alice has hit dd. Dd says it's been going on for a while but she's been too afraid to tell. Alice's mum got very upset. I made it clear to her that I didn't have a problem with her but I felt the girls needed space from each other so cooled off the playdates and cancelled a day out we'd planned. Dd actually asked me to cancel this. Mum said she was ok with it but clearly she isn't. She's been blanking me at the school gate and arranging get togethers with the other mums and deliberately excluding me. Apparently she said to another mum that I've over reacted and even implied that my daughter is a liar. I genuinely thought this woman was my friend and I'm so hurt.

Aibu to feel annoyed with her and to think that friendships with other mums are only possible if the children are getting on?

Op, I mean do not give this woman your time or energy, obv that now needs to be redirected to other friendships for both you and dd.

It’s also probably become a bit of a surprise for the other mum as he school has been involved from the outset and she may have appreciated an opportunity to try and resolve it.

I had his recently with a mum in our friendship group. It was one instance where her child had hit my son. I just mentioned it in passing and that it was out of character for her child. I didn’t involve the school, but if his had been an ongoing situation and if the mum couldn’t have done much else that’s when I would consider contacting the school.

I’m not saying your approach was wrong, I completely understand why you approached the school first, but it could be the reason why she sort of has an issue?

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha Your reply was actually very insightful at to the thinking behind the kind of mother that is like this.

It sounds to me like the two little girls are just not suited to each other and bring out the worst in each other

It is not that they aren't 'suited' her child is actively hitting and bullying another child! You are minimising the bullying aspect of this, it is isn't just a case of different personalities.

working to keep your DD seperate from hers and build other (better) friendships with other (in your view nicer) children, then you and she are not realistically going to be friends

Why would Alice's mother assume op was moving onto better friendships? Better in the sense that op's dd may actually have friends that don't hit her? It strikes me that this is a very defensive way to look at what is a bullying situation.

Why would the Alice's mother not ask her dd to apologise for what has done?

Why would the Alice's mother see fit to start arranging lots of nights out suddenly excluding op like this?

Well if you want to cool off on play dates you can't then really complain that she's excluding you and arranging things with other people :/

But implying that her dd has done nothing wrong and yours is a liar would get my back up too. There's not a lot you can do about it though, you're protecting your dd and presumably the other mums will get to see what Alice is like if and when their kids spend any length of time with her.

Perhaps Alice will do the same to another dc?

Your poor dd. Hopefully she'll make new friends.

The general advice is speak to the school about these issues so that is what the Op did. I think it came to a head when there was hitting involved but imo the friendship between the kids had never been great .

OP, when Alice comes to your DD to push or already done it tell your daughter to shout out loud, "Don't touch me or don't hurt me!" And this should be said loud so other children and possibly teachers would hear.

daphine2004 the school told me about the hitting not the other way around.

@Theweegobshite When I read your original post you wrote:

“I tried advising dd how to respond and encouraged her to play with others but a couple of times we had to involve the school. I'm friends with Alice's mum but I didn't involve her, I thought it best if the school deal with it.”

Which is why I commented as it read that it had been on a low level for a while and had escalated. So this mum friend didn’t know until things had become really bad.

I should have probably involved her from the start but she's not very receptive to any criticism of her child.

@Theweegobshite as I said I’m not criticising the way it has been approached at all. The little girl sounds awful and her mum is clearly reactive. The fact your other friend told you what had been said demonstrates that people don’t give too much weight to what she is saying.

There was another child at my sons school - he is 4. This hold on a daily basis would be kicking, pushing or hitting my son and he would tell me every day. I went into school as the behaviour was inappropriate and whilst it had been largely resolved there were instances in the after school club where this child had hurt my son. I’ve never felt so angry and wanted to approach the mum, but I didn’t. I went back to the school. I didn’t know the mum and because of the constant issues we had with her son I didn’t think I could be tempered in my approach as I was so angry and upset about the whole situation!

Your main issue here is the mum friend thing. I think Derren is right. When my dd was primary I only picked up a couple of times a week and I was shocked by how cliquey and unfriendly some of the people were. I adopted the policy of smile, pick up dd and leave. I think these kind of fall outs illustrate that these aren't real friendships.

Well, it's obvious where Alice has learned to manipulate friendships. Ignore the woman, she is not your friend any more. Put the other mums straight about what happened - you got the school to take action when Alice's behaviour became physical. If they don't believe you, fine - they probably will when she starts hitting their kids. It's hard being excluded by it's not the end of the world and it is always cyclical - Alice and her mum will soon find others to pick on.

Similar situation here when ds was being bullied. I had moved to this area and got pregnant straight away, so didn't have any local friends outside of the ones we met through our children - small village. When ds needed distance from the group, I ended up distanced too.

I found new friends - joining a book group was brilliant as it was a very different crowd, only met once a month, so not intense friendships, but got the ball rolling. Gradually you will make new, and nicer friends through doing things you enjoy, people you have things in common with.

For ds, we signed him up to a local karate group to take his mind of the bullying. Karate can be brilliant for making new friends as you don't need a partner, you don't have to know anyone to join in, you can just follow the instructions and get on with it. Again though, he met new people, had a lot of fun, and gained self confidence too, as they tend to be taught very positively, with lots of gradings/lots of belts to "win".

Hope that you and your dd can find a new way to move forward. Things settled down at school eventually too, so there was less tension in the air, but by then we had new friends. Big hugs to you both whilst you move forward

YANBU at all. Of course it is annoying and disappointing when humans are crap, but I think in this case it just shows exactly where the child gets their behaviour from.

Channel your feelings into showing your daughter how to move on from nasty unreasonable/unkind people and that you don't put up with nastiness from anyone. There will be nice people out there!

@CripsSandwiches hit the nail on the head

So you've reacted calmly and sensibly because it's just one of those things that happens and is easily fixable, and she has reacted by doing you down and being rude, which is a shame and a bit hurtful.

I would just tell people that if it comes up. You've done nothing wrong and she is the shit-talker, not you. Rest assured we all remember who talks badly about other people behind their backs and who doesn't in the long run.

cansu I know you're right. I was a sahm for a few years and when you're in that situation, you do feel you need to befriend other mums just to stop yourself feeling isolated. I am getting back into work now so maybe I can gradually detach a bit. I have met some lovely mums though so it's not all bad.

daphine2004 that's awful I'm sorry you had to go through that. Yes I always thought it was best for the school to handle it as they are neutral whereas it's harder for mums to be unemotional and objective. I just thought that by stopping playdates temporarily until things calm down it would be good for both girls. They can decide if they want to be friends or not - there's no need for us mums to be falling out. Obviously I was too idealistic.

The policy at our school is always talk to them, and not the parents if you have an issue. They are skilled and experienced, and are with the children every day, and have a much better chance of resolving the problem.

Approaching any parent about something like this is a big risk, you may have your arse handed to you on a plate, or they may be very receptive.
Given what you have told us about the mother in question, the former is more likely in this case, so you did the right thing.

Your 'friend' saw you as a convenience to facilitate her dd's friendship and social circle. You were never friends sadly.

There are some parents who just never accept that their child has done or will do anything wrong. Most reasonable adults will be able to see these parents for what they are. They will usually also be aware of the poor behaviour of the child. For some it takes a while for the penny drop, but they tend to see it eventually.

In my experience the child's behaviour is nearly always reflective of the adult. You don't need this woman as friend, and your dd doesn't need her dd. It'll be uncomfortable for a while, but you've done the best thing in supporting your dd, showing her that she doesn't have to accept this kind of treatment.

It really is horrible when things like this happen, and to move her social circle is the best you can do. Be careful as the other women is getting there first. If there are only a few girls in the class, your could easily become isolated.

Start to invite other girls for tea and activities, and take it from there. Perhaps there are clubs some of the kids go to which your dad could join too.

Lots of good advice on this thread - encourage other friendships and outside activities. Keep talking to the school to check that your DD is ok and isn’t being isolated from other children by this girl.

I’ve had s similar situation to this and the child’s parent’s didn’t believe it although other parents were ok and weren’t fooled by it. It wasn’t restricted to bullying just one child so parents were more aware. The schools involvement in this situation was fantastic and key to getting it resolved - fingers crossed for next year but hopefully the groundwork is in place and the children have matured. Good luck and keep trying to build other friendships for your DD and broadening her friends.

The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. If your dd doesn’t do what Alice wants she is punished and you are being punished for defying the mother.

This is spot on.

My DD was bullied for a couple of years until the school realised what was going on. They put a stop to it but the other child's mother was very cross with me. She rallied a large group of friends, some of whom were mutual and they told everyone I was the problem.

It was very unpleasant but I got through it and was left with a smaller group of real friends at the end of it. We live in a village so ten years later, it still has an impact but I know she was only doing it because she couldn't face the truth.