To feel angry at this so called mum friend?

[Theweegobshite]

Dd is 6 and shy and unsure of herself. For the majority of her school life she's had a "friendship" with one particular girl, I'll call her Alice. Alice is a very dominant character and dd follows her round like a little puppy but Alice seems largely indifferent to her.

Last year we had loads of problems with dd coming home saying Alice had been unkind to her. I tried advising dd how to respond and encouraged her to play with others but a couple of times we had to involve the school. I'm friends with Alice's mum but I didn't involve her, I thought it best if the school deal with it. They spoke to Alice and tried to keep them separate as much as possible and did some general pse lessons on friendship. Unfortunately both the girls still kept asking for playdates with each other and I went along with it against my better judgment.

Now the school informed me that Alice has hit dd. Dd says it's been going on for a while but she's been too afraid to tell. Alice's mum got very upset. I made it clear to her that I didn't have a problem with her but I felt the girls needed space from each other so cooled off the playdates and cancelled a day out we'd planned. Dd actually asked me to cancel this. Mum said she was ok with it but clearly she isn't. She's been blanking me at the school gate and arranging get togethers with the other mums and deliberately excluding me. Apparently she said to another mum that I've over reacted and even implied that my daughter is a liar. I genuinely thought this woman was my friend and I'm so hurt.

Aibu to feel annoyed with her and to think that friendships with other mums are only possible if the children are getting on?

I wouldn't bet on the side eye from the other parents, at least not until several other children and mothers have become victims. Sometimes a very domineering individual creates an atmosphere where everyone sucks up to her because somewhere deep down they are afraid of the consequences.

Agreed mathanxiety similar happened at my youngest’s school. Several years in and a number is have fallen foul of a particular child and their mum - the mum directly bullies the children too - but it’s taken them repeating the behaviours with at least 3 sets of children/parents (that I know of), for it to become known more widely.
Ignore (as much as you can), keep your own counsel and keep everything as normal with the other parents and children, OP. You can only control your behaviours and reactions to this mum, not her behaviours.

Oh man. I’ve been there and it’s so awkward. I would just let her be because as someone said above, others will notice her behaviour.
Your dd is your priority, one day the mum will be a distant memory.

DerrenBrownings yeah but that’s you and your life. OP is talking about her experience and she sees it as important. Not that hard to understand.

Recently had the same. DD said something so worrying at the dinner table that my DH turned to me and said "are you going to address this with the school or should I?" I addressed it at the next available time with the teacher and since have been blocked from all sorts. Won't even discuss it with me when I tried to address it directly with her. I've been told since the child's behaviour has been noted by many. School is addressing it and the child is actually playing nicely with my child (with caution bestowed on her by us) again in school, because the behaviour has improved, but the out of school relationship will never be encouraged by us.

My dd had one of these. Controlling and domineering and wouldn’t let dd play with any other kids. When it became clear how unpleasant she was being I emailed the mum to cancel a something we had arranged - I was as gentle and non-accusatory as possible and just said dd was a bit under the weather and we needed to take a break. I did not accuse her child of anything. Nonetheless she went batshit and sent a hugely defensive reply about how the sun basically shone out of her dd’s arse and she could never do anything bad, so the problem must be with my dd! FFS.

Some people just can’t bear any suggestion that they/their child aren’t 100% perfect and that attitude can rub off on their child too. As pps have said, just focus on your dd and helping her, and don’t bother trying to engage. There will always be nice, genuine, non-sheep people around to chat to and they will tend to be the least involved in cliquey behaviour. You have to grow a thick skin and not care about gossip and not be manipulated by queen bees - and that will also model that for your dd.

It's not my experience - My DC is age 2! I'm just saying it seems totally alien to get so involved. Fine get involved in your daughters school life and her friends. But all this mum chat at the gates and meeting up and going out for drinks etc. Dont get it. Everyone I know has their own family and friends and is just polite and friendly at the school gates but thats it. Maybe take that approach OP.

I learned the hard way that other mums aren't necessarily your friends just because your dc and theirs are at the same school.

Been there OP! The best advice I can give is to start widening your circle. Lots of play dates with other kids for your DD and new play dates (adult) for you and other mums. Start dating the other mums and do not include her. You both need new friends

@horizontalis I learnt the same lesson.

At the moment your doing the right thing for your DD. So what if your so called friend is not willing to correct her child. The truth is by not stepping up to correct her child now she is just making both their lives more difficult long term.
You might feel that the other mothers are taking her side/ignoring you. Give it some time and they will find out just what her and the daughter are really like. Meanwhile just be friendly with the other mothers and chat to them. You might find another friend among them. I would also encourage you to get your DD involved in some outside school actively ie sport or scouts. It will give your daughter a chance to meet other girls, make others friends and build up her confidence.

I’m the same @derrenbrownings most of the mums are so clichey and I just can’t be bothered with it all. Kids only get invited to parties if their mums are there picking up the kids and gossiping with all the other mums.

Damn autocorrect cliquey

derrenbrownings Then what you said is irrelevant. Your dc is 2, you don’t have experience of the school gates yet. Many of us work full time and study by the way

ihatehashtags Thankfully that’s not my experience. My dc are invited to their friends birthday parties. They’ve never been excluded because I’m not “gossiping with the other Mums”
It’s sad and pathetic that this happens

Meh. I can still have an opinion! And mine is - stop getting overly involved. This too shall pass.

You weren't giving any constructive advice though you were basically saying "I'm too busy to care about things like this".

Tell your dd to stay away from Alice and play with others.

Don't worry about being snubbed by Alice's mum. This will all die down naturally in time.... but to be honest I don't think you have the right to be annoyed about her doing play dates etc with others!! What else do you want her to do?! Invite you?!

The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. If your dd doesn’t do what Alice wants she is punished and you are being punished for defying the mother. You are much better to talk a step back and see it for what it is, she was not your friend.

This has happened to my dd. She was in year 1 at the time and now in year 4 I'm still not speaking to the mum and the kids have made other friends which is good. In all honesty I would take on board the advise of just drop off and pick up. That's all I do and I love it I sometimes speak other mums but wouldn't consider any to be friends in any regard. I have work friends and friends from other places but I do keep parents at very long arms length. Especially all the mums on the PTA... Hope it sorts itself you def did the right thing at andibg up for your dd.

She is being protective of her own Dd it is such a shame she is being so weird and defensive about it. I honestly think you should rise above it be breezy and say hi the girls are not friends atm so you should just leave it with the other mum. If she is gossing about you if you can quietly pull her up on it ,

I'm with Derren. Never got overly invested with Mums at school gate as worked full time so hardly ever saw them. When I did spot group's of them mingling, I was glad to be out of it. I can see where Alice got her behaviour from. Get your daughter an activity or sport she can go to our of school so as she can see other kids and make more friends, then she will see how horrid Alice is.

Nobody truly welcomes criticism of their child. Obviously she should still say hello, but if you are working to keep your DD seperate from hers and build other (better) friendships with other (in your view nicer) children, then you and she are not realistically going to be friends. She is therefore building other friendships for herself and her daughter, which is not unreasonable.

It sounds to me like the two little girls are just not suited to each other and bring out the worst in each other.

OP, well you don't need to look very far to see Alice has got her bullying tendencies from!! An apple really does not fall very far from the tree in this case.

This mother is not 'sad' or 'embarrassed', she is making sure she gets her own back for your 'indiscretion'. She has her dd's back at all costs, even when she is hitting other children, and she is making sure you know it. She is trying to exclude you, and to make you feel so damn uncomfortable (and so far succeeding as you have described feeling punished by her)

Op:
This woman is definitely NOT your friend
This woman is a player of the worst kind - she knows just how to manipulate and hurt others. Do not be drawn.

Any decent parent, would have been mortified that their child had done this to another child, what you would have expected to see is a profuse apology, perhaps a sorry card from the child, and a parent addressing the fact their child is bullying another. But that is definitely not going to happen.

The only thing you can do is be bright and breezy, and do not let this get to you. Don't involve others, make no comment whatsoever. If she is blanking you when you say hello, just stop saying hello, and just go about your day as if she isn't there. Continue to support your dd with new friendships, focus your energies on play dates for her. Stay in contact with the school about the bullying, and keep monitoring the situation with your child. The other mothers will soon work what she is like, so leave them to it.

In the meantime if you have other friends, look to spend more time with them for support and fun.

Rise about this, do not cower away and feel embarrassed, be strong and confident, walk in and out of school with your head held high talking to the kinder mothers as you go, and your dd will learn to do the same.

No one gets away with doing this to your child, this is a perfect opportunity to show your dd how to be strong and resilient.

This will blow over, do not give it your time or energy.

The other mums will know what her daughter is like, or soon will. Keep up with those you like. Think of school run like work colleagues. Those you like, those that seem friendly but you don't trust, the moaners etc.