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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not help ex get a mortgage?

102 replies

Leopardunderthebed · 10/05/2019 20:06

We split 3 years ago. Have a 4 year old DD, through his choice he hasn’t seen her for a year. No calls, no contact, new girlfriend and he just slowly reduced contact to nothing.

CMS is paid through direct pay. So he pays it directly to me and if he doesn’t I would need to tell CMS myself.

He sent me an email today to ask me if for the next six months he could pay CMS by cash as he can’t get a mortgage with such a large outgoing each month. His accountant has told him to ask to get it off his bank statements and then he’ll get one no problem.

So he wants me to take cash for the next six months.

Reasons I feel like telling him to fuck off:

He’s a shitty dad who broke DDs heart
His girlfriend could get a job and help out instead (doesn’t work, never has, no kids)
I wouldn’t be able to deposit it in my account as it needs to be called “maintenance” so housing benefit doesn’t think I’m on the fiddle
I don’t want that amount of cash in my house every month
He’s a prick and why should I help him?!

Reasons I should:
Seems a bit petty to say no

AIBU to say fuck off to him?

OP posts:
bringbacksideburns · 10/05/2019 20:08

Nope. You owe him nothing. I wouldn't.

He'll pay it a couple of times and then stop.

nrpmum · 10/05/2019 20:08

'Really sorry, but housing benefit won't accept seeing it any other way than direct to my bank'

Maybe without the really sorry.

Gentlemanwiththistledownhair · 10/05/2019 20:09

It's not petty to say no if you need it a certain way so you can keep claiming housing benefit tbh...

But only you know whether it'll cause you more bother to say no.

Babyroobs · 10/05/2019 20:09

YANBU.

SofiaAmes · 10/05/2019 20:10

Don't trust him to pay it. Never mind that you would probably have to lie to stop the payments. And you would struggle to get it started again.

JagerPlease · 10/05/2019 20:10

I don't think you're being petty at all if it could create difficulties with your housing benefit.

Also, surely he would then have a large cash withdrawal every month in his statement instead? When you apply for a mortgage it asks you about set monthly outgoings include those related to a child, so unless he intends on fraudulently stating he has none, I can't see why it makes a difference

FascinatingCarrot · 10/05/2019 20:10

Nope, he wont pay you a bean

Treaclesweet · 10/05/2019 20:12

Say no. That would be really inconvenient, how would you pay bills with it? Why should you be put out for him he sounds like a wanker.

Fevertree · 10/05/2019 20:12

Don't do it

He won't pay you

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 10/05/2019 20:13

No. If you lie to housing, surely that risks your claim, and is fraud? (not in UK, so not au fait with how it works) and if he hasnt been arsed with his DD for a year, I wouldnt count on her housing being top of his priority list now.

Original poster
Leopardunderthebed · 10/05/2019 20:13

If he doesn’t pay I would just tell the CMS. It makes not a jot of difference to them how he pays as long as he does.

It only effects HB in the fact that if they do a spot check and ask why I am depositing £££ in cash to my account every month they may not believe it’s maintenance (which makes no difference to HB entitlement). However when he pays it in under “DDs maintenance” they ignore as they can track it.

The cash would no doubt be coming from his numerous cash in hand jobs not out of his bank

OP posts:
Purpleartichoke · 10/05/2019 20:14

If nothing else, he would be an idiot to pay you in cash. He needs proof he is actually paying you. If he gives you cash, you could report him for non-payment.

His accountant should never have made that recommendation.

frazzledasarock · 10/05/2019 20:14

How would you do this?

If you close your CMS claim there’s no guarantee he will continue payments then you’d have to open a new case and it would take months to be put into place.

I’d use the housing benefit excuse.

Original poster
Leopardunderthebed · 10/05/2019 20:14

Child maintenance isn’t counted an income for HB purposes. So it wouldn’t be fraud it would just look dodgy and risk them freezing my claim whilst they investigate

OP posts:
Original poster
Leopardunderthebed · 10/05/2019 20:16

I wouldn’t be closing my claim. CMS don’t check he is paying. They just sort out the initial amounts. It’s on me to tell them each month if he doesn’t pay and on him to prove he has. So yes, nothing stopping me from waiting six months and then saying he hasn’t paid me a bean!

OP posts:
Applejack5 · 10/05/2019 20:18

I don't think he'll pay you at all if you agree. A large, regular cash withdrawal would still be questioned when applying for a mortgage. Also what he's doing is fraudulent as he'd be lying to potential lenders about his fixed outgoings.

oneforthepain · 10/05/2019 20:18

Has his accountant actually told him that or is he just blaming the accountant for his own dodgy ideas?!

I'd say no.

AllFourOfThem · 10/05/2019 20:20

I can see why you want to be petty and not help out but long term it’s better to be amicable with your child’s other parent. Even though he hasn’t seen your DD for a long time, I would hope they do continue a relationship for her sake.

HB would accept it if you pay in the same amount and can provide a copy of a paper receipt as evidence. After all, the same amount will still be going in and for some months it will be a bank transfer and others it will be cash. Alternatively you can tell him to give the cash payment to somebody else (his girlfriend or parents etc) and ask them to transfer it into your bank account with the same reference.

jcyclops · 10/05/2019 20:21

He wants to defraud a mortgage supplier by under-declaring his outgoings, and you are thinking about being an accessory to the fraud.

kbPOW · 10/05/2019 20:21

Er no. Not your problem. Ignore.

greenlynx · 10/05/2019 20:22

I wouldn’t trust him and I’m not sure that this advice came from his accountant. We were ask lots of questions for our mortgage about including annual magazine subscriptions and gym memberships, an advisor would like to know about CM anyway.
For simplicity I would tell him that it would cause a problem with your housing benefit.

FirmlyRooted · 10/05/2019 20:22

Can he not make cash payment into your bank account? Ie go to bank, deposit cash with reference DD maintenance. That way it appears in your statement with the right reference and he pays cash.

Other option is for him to start declaring those cash in hand jobs so the income can count towards the mortgage. He'll have to pay taxes of course...

oneforthepain · 10/05/2019 20:24

Yeahhh, there's keeping things amicable and then there's this:

He wants to defraud a mortgage supplier by under-declaring his outgoings, and you are thinking about being an accessory to the fraud.

TheDarkPassenger · 10/05/2019 20:27

So what are the mortgage company gunna say when he’s taking out large amounts of cash every month?

He’s having you on

HollyGoLoudly1 · 10/05/2019 20:30

If he's failing the mortgage affordability checks then he is obviously going to struggle to afford the mortgage and shouldn't be fiddling his outgoings to make it look like he can afford it.

Regardless of what his contact/relationship is, I would say no. 1. It's not your responsibility. 2. You have good reasons for saying no. 3. He shouldn't be taking on a mortgage that he will struggle to afford.