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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not help ex get a mortgage?

102 replies

Leopardunderthebed · 10/05/2019 20:06

We split 3 years ago. Have a 4 year old DD, through his choice he hasn’t seen her for a year. No calls, no contact, new girlfriend and he just slowly reduced contact to nothing.

CMS is paid through direct pay. So he pays it directly to me and if he doesn’t I would need to tell CMS myself.

He sent me an email today to ask me if for the next six months he could pay CMS by cash as he can’t get a mortgage with such a large outgoing each month. His accountant has told him to ask to get it off his bank statements and then he’ll get one no problem.

So he wants me to take cash for the next six months.

Reasons I feel like telling him to fuck off:

He’s a shitty dad who broke DDs heart
His girlfriend could get a job and help out instead (doesn’t work, never has, no kids)
I wouldn’t be able to deposit it in my account as it needs to be called “maintenance” so housing benefit doesn’t think I’m on the fiddle
I don’t want that amount of cash in my house every month
He’s a prick and why should I help him?!

Reasons I should:
Seems a bit petty to say no

AIBU to say fuck off to him?

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 10/05/2019 21:10

He's already cut his own dd off the next thing to go is the money

I wouldn't even reply

Travis1 · 10/05/2019 21:15

Nope. All the nopes.

FeeLock · 10/05/2019 21:16

He's a grown up. His financial arrangements are his responsibility and he shouldn't be risking the support to his child to accommodate them.

Alsohuman · 10/05/2019 21:17

He could draw the cash out and pay it into your account.

woolduvet · 10/05/2019 21:17

Tell him to open another account and pay you from that. Then his 'management' of money is nothing to worry you.

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 10/05/2019 21:17

Nope

Tamsyn143 · 10/05/2019 21:19

I'd help him x

topcat2014 · 10/05/2019 21:19

No reputable accountant would have said this

Original poster
Leopardunderthebed · 10/05/2019 21:23

Some quick answers

He says it makes no difference to me how I get the cash, why would it matter?!

His accountant is definitely on the dodgy side. He pays him in trade and he has all kinds of tricks for avoiding tax etc etc

He already has a mortgage, he wants to move but take the mortgage on on his own. His ex wife is currently on the mortgage but doesn’t pay anything. Ex wife came after me not before!

I replied when I first got the email and said I didn’t think it would be possible and his take on that is that I am being petty, cash or bank transfer shouldn’t matter and I have the same recourse as I’ve always had should he stop paying.

OP posts:
Original poster
Leopardunderthebed · 10/05/2019 21:24

Just in case you are confused, in the space of 4 years he has had a child with me, married someone else, had a child with her, divorced and is now engaged again.

Perhaps I should ask Jezza for some advice 🤔

OP posts:
Original poster
Leopardunderthebed · 10/05/2019 21:26

I’m going to ask his ex wife if he’s asked her to do the same thing!

We see each other quite regularly so the kids can see each other. He doesn’t see that child either!

OP posts:
sue51 · 10/05/2019 21:29

Why should you enable his mortgage if he can't be bothered to see his own child? I'm amazed he has the front to ask. It would be a hell no from me.

KnobJockey · 10/05/2019 21:33

Do you need the money in the bank to cover your own bills? If you don't, and it's money you would be withdrawing anyway, then I wouldn't care. If you need it to cover bills and would have to deposit yourself, I would care and would say no.

LonelyTiredandLow · 10/05/2019 21:35

Leopardunderthebed If I was a betting person I would say he has been hiding his income. He now wants to be able to declare it but something has to give.

If you do this I am also willing to bet he will never resume CSA (although if he has a mortgage it does scream he had more money than he previously let on - so if you chose to then resume CSA it would be hard for him to hide that once it is contracted with a bank!). It'd also be surprising if this has any positive impact on his contact with your dd.

KnobJockey · 10/05/2019 21:36

Although technically it is helping, it sounds like he has the capacity to hide a fair amount of his income. Therefore, pissing him off to the extent that he doesn't pay, and would have to go through the CMS is not a good idea- he could hide or declare different sums and you could end up with a lot less.

INeedAFlerken · 10/05/2019 21:36

I would say no. It does make a difference as to how you receive it, and you don't want to risk your benefits being stopped if an investigation is started, no matter how likely it is you would prevail. You can't afford to go without your regular benefits, etc.

If he can't afford a mortgage because he's paying CM properly, then he needs to look at smaller properties. His problem, not yours.

Jengnr · 10/05/2019 21:36

Let him think you’re petty. Fuck him!

GreenEggsHamandChips · 10/05/2019 21:40

Definitely not.

He keeps drawing the cash out but keeps it for himself.

You report to the CMS no maintenance. He can "prove" hes paying it

LionsHeart · 10/05/2019 21:48

If you enable him to take out a mortgage that he can't afford, how will he be able to pay child support?

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 10/05/2019 21:51

Would it be possible to have his payments deducted from his wages, or is he entirely self employed/off the books?
I ask because the likelihood is that he will struggle to pay his mortgage if he has to lie to pass the affordability checks and the first thing he will want to drop is maintenance payments.
He is asking you to be dishonest and also to potentially shoot yourself in the foot financially. Don't do it, but do find out if he has asked his second wife to do the same.

GoldenBee · 10/05/2019 21:56

I can't fathom why you'd even entertain the idea. You owe him nothing, no favours... nothing! Especially not something that sounds dodgy.

Bambamber · 10/05/2019 22:00

Isn't that mortgage fraud? I certainly wouldn't facilitate this, it could have repercussions.

Copperandtod · 10/05/2019 22:02

He owes you the money for your child. He can choose how he pays you. He doesn’t need your agreement in that respect

NoHolidaysforyou · 10/05/2019 22:05

You're not petty, he is by trying to get you to help him get a dodgy mortgage calculation through. Mortgage calculations are done to make sure they are still affordable when interests rate rise so you wouldn't be helping him in the long run anyways. His gf can get a job.

Nomorechickens · 10/05/2019 22:10

Surely if he pays cash into your account, there's no way of labelling it - it just goes in as 'cash'? And no indication of who paid it in or where.