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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not help ex get a mortgage?

102 replies

Leopardunderthebed · 10/05/2019 20:06

We split 3 years ago. Have a 4 year old DD, through his choice he hasn’t seen her for a year. No calls, no contact, new girlfriend and he just slowly reduced contact to nothing.

CMS is paid through direct pay. So he pays it directly to me and if he doesn’t I would need to tell CMS myself.

He sent me an email today to ask me if for the next six months he could pay CMS by cash as he can’t get a mortgage with such a large outgoing each month. His accountant has told him to ask to get it off his bank statements and then he’ll get one no problem.

So he wants me to take cash for the next six months.

Reasons I feel like telling him to fuck off:

He’s a shitty dad who broke DDs heart
His girlfriend could get a job and help out instead (doesn’t work, never has, no kids)
I wouldn’t be able to deposit it in my account as it needs to be called “maintenance” so housing benefit doesn’t think I’m on the fiddle
I don’t want that amount of cash in my house every month
He’s a prick and why should I help him?!

Reasons I should:
Seems a bit petty to say no

AIBU to say fuck off to him?

OP posts:
justasking111 · 10/05/2019 20:34

No, it is not your problem.

I doubt his accountant would have offered this advice which encourages you both to commit fraud.

filka · 10/05/2019 20:34

Perhaps you could ask for 6 months up front into your bank account, then his statements would be free of the outgoings.

His accountant seems to be encouraging him to make a fraudulent mortgage application by over-stating his income. But perhaps not if he also has undeclared cash income...

Inliverpool1 · 10/05/2019 20:36

Not your problem, no is a complete sentence

Aw12345 · 10/05/2019 20:40

Don't do it. He is asking you to help him lie in a mortgage application, surely he could get you in trouble for that? His mortgage, his problem.

ShellieEllie · 10/05/2019 20:42

Maybe if he'd declared his cash in hand jobs he wouldn't have needed to ask. I also agree that I doubt you'd see a penny.

LonelyTiredandLow · 10/05/2019 20:43

I'm suspicious. My ex hadn't seen DD since she was a baby. He suddenly decided that if I took out the need for CSA and 'trusted' him to pay more directly (he had gone from £55k down to £9kpa officially Hmm) then he would see DD. Yup, financial blackmail for me and pay per view for him Shock. After a millisecond of thought it clicked that because he was avoiding tax by claiming he was only on 9k he couldn't get a big fancy mortgage with his new wife. He needed CSA to take their beak out so he could wow the bank with his actual earnings.

I wouldn't be amazed if this is a common tactic.

So in short, it depends how generous you feel Wink

Justaboy · 10/05/2019 20:43

Sod this OP!, it goes directly into your account.

If its cash you could be accused of accepting dodgy money and demmed to be wrongdoing and possible avioding tax on your income.

malovitt · 10/05/2019 20:44

Will your daughter inherit the house if he pops his clogs?
If so, yes.

GreyGardens88 · 10/05/2019 20:44

I work in mortgages, people trying to under declare their outgoings or over inflate their income always get caught out somehow. It happens all the time

diddl · 10/05/2019 20:45

"Reasons I should:"

NONE

JustCallMeSliths · 10/05/2019 20:45

Nope. Nope. Nope.

Firstly, if he is willing to drop his child like that, then what evidence is there to suggest he would hand over any cash at all or that it wouldn't stop in the future. He won't go back to automatic transfers once you've agreed to this.

Secondly, It sounds like he might not be able to afford a mortgage in which case you doing this will absolutely not help him.

Thirdly, you don't owe him anything after his treatment to your daughter.

I don't want to worry you but I'd maybe start preparing for him to stop sending payments anyway tbh.

LonelyTiredandLow · 10/05/2019 20:47

@GreyGardens88 shame the CSA can't use the same systems Grin

Justkeeprollingalong · 10/05/2019 20:48

Maybe if he'd declared his cash in hand jobs he wouldn't have needed to ask. I also agree that I doubt you'd see a penny.

This^

How do you do bold for quotes?

BumbleBeee69 · 10/05/2019 20:49

Absolutely not OP, you're priority is your Child, not his happy ever after mortgage Flowers

JaneEyre07 · 10/05/2019 20:50

You'd have a hell of a job explaining it if he does stop paying you.

Don't even consider it.

LonelyTiredandLow · 10/05/2019 20:51

OP FWIW I did drop my CSA claim. He was paying a poxy £5 per week and he had said countless times that I was money oriented Hmm and kept saying he would have contact with DD if only he didn't think I was just after his money. His wife "needed to be kept in the manner to which she had become accustomed" etc etc. So I did drop CSA, they presumably have their mortgage (Richmond) and....he has never even bothered to email to acknowledge it, much less offer to see DD.

So it won't change his priorities, but it depends if you rely on his income. For me it was quite freeing knowing I am no longer portrayed as the money grabbing bitch stopping his contact with DD. Now his lack of contact and payment is all on him. I'm sure he thinks he has "won" but he isn't ever going to have a relationship with his first born, through his own selfish greed.

RSAcre · 10/05/2019 20:54

Absolutely NOT.
He's asking you to collude in creating a false impression to his potential mortgage provider.
He has to pay £X per month in maintenance. It is a regular outgoing, & disguising that is ... borderline fraudulent.

Apart from that, given his lamentable parenting record, I would hazard that it's a ruse to do you out of the maintenance payment the moment he decides that his new mortgage takes precedent over his child's welfare. You will end up having to chase him for cash.

Tell him it's it's simply not on because you need the record of it going into your bank so that the payment is transparent to your housing benefit people. If he kicks back - ask him why 2 adults between them cannot prove enough income to get 1 mortgage approved? - & that it's not your problem.

Mayalready · 10/05/2019 21:00

If you help him get a mortgage he really won't pay your cms as he will be paying a mortgage!
Don't get involved. His priority should be to his dd and her roof!

thebellsofsaintclements · 10/05/2019 21:02

I wouldn't help him, no. But I don't agree with what Greygardens88 said either - you only know about the ones who get found out! I know a few people (close family and friends) who got away with this sort of thing over and over again.....

kbPOW · 10/05/2019 21:02

What @LonelyTiredandLow said. He's been suppressing his income and needs to stop to get a mortgage.

Ispywithmycynicaleye · 10/05/2019 21:04

.... and then the excuses will roll in...
"Need the money for my mortgage payment"....."need the money for furniture"....."need the money to decirate".... "need the money...."

You'll never see a penny of that "cash in hand".

Ispywithmycynicaleye · 10/05/2019 21:04

*decorate..

Pineapplewheelnuts · 10/05/2019 21:05

He's presumably suggesting it because he earns a good amount cash in hand, which he can't use as evidence towards his mortgage. So he gives you his cash, it isn't coming out of his official outgoings and he's better off!
But what if he has to take on more official work, overtime etc to afford the repayments? His cash work will take a backseat and he 'won't be able to afford it'. No, fuck him. If he were a good dad working hard to balance his life along with having dc's and having a hard time perhaps, as long as you were 100% it wouldn't affect your HB. In this situation he can fuck off.

PokemonGirl88 · 10/05/2019 21:06

I don’t understand why his accountant would be giving him this advice. It would be a mortgage broker not an accountant. Two completely different professions.

BogglesGoggles · 10/05/2019 21:08

Cash in hand as in tax evasion?