To get miffed that DH invites DSS to tea every night?

[dragonstitcher]

I don't say anything because it's not worth the battle, but it does piss me off. DSS is nearly 20yo, he finished college a couple of months ago and is going to Uni in Sept. He stays at home (his mums house) all day long watching TV or playing on the PS2 when he should be looking for a summer job and DH invites him to tea every night and picks him up on the way home from work, so that he doesn't have to feed himself. We are a low income family, I get child benefit and child Tax credit for my kids but not for stepsons and I find it hard to feed everyone on a limited budget. Not only that but stepsons mum complains that she is having to throw away food that isn't getting eaten. Sometimes she sends it over here so that it gets used.

A few times a week is reasonable, but every bloomin night isn't, I feel.

I understand that DH is trying to see as much of him before he goes to uni, so it makes me feel unreasonable for feeling this way. Roll on Sept. BTW nearly 18yo SS fends for himself on junk.

The more I think about it, the more I think that your dh is creating an extremely bad example to his kids (both yuor sepsons and your own kids) in so bviously expecting you to wait on them hand and foot.

You do have it in your power to say "NO". Since you seem to have a good relationship with your dh's ex, do it together to the sons/ tell them that as women - not as a conspiracy - this is not hwo the world operates anymore. They are old enough to do things for themselves, such as their washing, and therefore, if they want it done, they can either do it for themsleves or they can get their dad to do it for them, if thinks they are so incapable. Neither you, their stepmother, nor thier birth mother, are going to continue to baby them.

Make a simialr joint stand on the meals: they owe a couresy to both "mothers" to let them kow when they will and won't be eating there - in advance. If the mothers haven't been notifed, then no food will be prepared. That way at least food won't be wasted. Another meal will not be prepared at the "other" house. If they want to come around having not had the courtesy to pre-warn, they are welcome to make the most of wahtver is in the cupbarods (baked beans on toast).

Also make it clear that wherever they do it, they will, as memebers of the family, be expected to help with the preparation and/or the clearing up.

No ifs. No buts. That is the way both mothers are going to treat these young adults. As young me who are capable of doing things for themsleves - and who for thier own sakes (and the sakes of thier future wives/girlfriends) need to learn that the women of the family are not there at their beck and call. That as functioning members of the family, even the men have responsibilities.

I'd put some instructions "For Men" on the washer, dryer, and diswasher. And then I'd stop doing everyone's laundry until the division of labour around the house was more in tune with the post Victorian era.

You put up pages about how people lived in the Victoria times. And then you could put up pages about how people live today (which is of course not all like Victorian times),

My cousin (when he was about 20 and lived with his parents) once referred to his laundry as "women's work" expecting his mum to do it. Up until that point she always did his laundry. But, she never did it again after he made that remark.

YADBU (D=Deffo).

your children don't automatically become "not" your children when the turn 18!!!

Even when my kids are 50 years old, they will still be my kids. Although I draw the line at them living at home forever, there will always be a place for them at my table.

I can't ever imagine turning one of them away - and if I were in your DH's shoes, I would be very upset if I was asked to turn away my own child.

Frankly, I am shocked you would even think of it.

I must add, however, that I do believe that manners apply to all.

My kids will be required to give adequate notice if they will or won't be eating at home. It's rude to not arrive for dinner as well as to expect dinner if you haven't let the person preparing know.

So from that perspective you ANBU.

Well said, Cat's Mother.

Also why are you cooking anyway? Women should never be the default cook. It just leads to more sexism. I don't think the cost should be an issue but your other half can cook it. My 18 year old at the moment has taken on cooking for his two brothers every day this holiday which I think is great for all of them.