To get miffed that DH invites DSS to tea every night?

[dragonstitcher]

I don't say anything because it's not worth the battle, but it does piss me off. DSS is nearly 20yo, he finished college a couple of months ago and is going to Uni in Sept. He stays at home (his mums house) all day long watching TV or playing on the PS2 when he should be looking for a summer job and DH invites him to tea every night and picks him up on the way home from work, so that he doesn't have to feed himself. We are a low income family, I get child benefit and child Tax credit for my kids but not for stepsons and I find it hard to feed everyone on a limited budget. Not only that but stepsons mum complains that she is having to throw away food that isn't getting eaten. Sometimes she sends it over here so that it gets used.

A few times a week is reasonable, but every bloomin night isn't, I feel.

I understand that DH is trying to see as much of him before he goes to uni, so it makes me feel unreasonable for feeling this way. Roll on Sept. BTW nearly 18yo SS fends for himself on junk.

Well, not all, beansprout. Some are assholes

Yeah, some are Greeny but not the ones cooking tea for their dskids every night and wondering about why they aren't being consulted!!

No, I agree - I don't think the OP is one of the bad guys. She just wants a bit of consideration.

Well said beansprout.

I mentioned my teenage experience but I think my DB's is more relevant.

He moved out when he was 17 because dad basically told him to get off his arse and get a job or move - so he moved. He started coming home for dinner once a week, then twice and it soon built up to nearly every night.

Dad told him to cough up some cash or pack it in. His own son, not his step-son mind. He did it because at 17 DB was taking advantage of our parents.

Dad's attitude did him the world of good and DB never once resented my parents or stopped loving them. Now he has a teenager of his own he is adamant that he will have the same attitude to his own children if they take advantage too.

Nothing to do with step parenting, just teaching your kids to grow up.

A) its fab your Dh cares about him and invites him
B) Most 20 year olds have to contribute towards their keep, its called life and rent and I certainly had it

I had to pay rent that included food yes, and I would ask the boys to. If he is apying that money to his Mum it should be transfered to the OP. I'd expect it of my own children, Dh did it, everyone I know had to pay rent at that age- and that did include food. Indded, as a student myself every non parent (and many parents) student gets a job to pay their way.

Its just adulthood.

Kerry he's taking the piss. Seriously. It's so rude to expect to be contantly entertained at a house you don't live in. If I turned up at my dad's or mums every night without warning there would be Words - rightly. It's just not on, it's rude towards the OP that her husband keeps doing this to her - because I do think this is her husband's bad manners really, not her stepson's.

I wonder if this resentment is/should really be directed at the dh, here. He's the one who made this arrangement, apparently without mentioning it to dragon. And it sounds as if he doesn't do any of the cooking or preparation.

You said you have a limited budget - so point out to dh that you only have x amount of money but keep having to feed an extra mouth. So dh has to contribute a bit more to the household budget. And he has to decide if this is a regular arrangement - sounds as if dss's mother is a bit pissed off too.

Then there's the domestic chores bit - does dh do any cooking? Shopping? Does he do the washing up? Dh AND dss should be pulling their weight here.

I was a stepdaughter btw, and at the age of 20 I would definitely have done my share of the cooking/washing up.

This isn't really about stepmother and stepson is it?

It's about inconsiderate DH and son, not giving any serious thought to either mum or stepmum.

I don't see anything wrong with DSS contributing to both households, be it financially, helping with the cooking, or other chores.

Kerry - I don't think anyone is really suggesting dragonstitcher demands a fiver every time her dss turns up at the door.

But he should at least be offering to help to cook, or wash up, or bring a bottle of wine at the end of the week. Just about anything really.

Quite, there are plenty of ways to contribute. Call sometimes to see if there's anything he can bring (dessert etc), maybe even treat them to a pizza every now and again.

If the DSS was 14 or 16 it woudl be different, 20 is very much adult.

I really think dragonstitcher needs to talk to her dh and agree the resentment should be directed him at him, not the son

or offering to babysit occasionally and let his dd and dsm have a night out together.

i agree with edam, the frustration here should be aimed at the father and dragon needs to address this with him.

creating a situation where there is regularly an extra mouth to feed, but where there is no notice and no ability to plan for it, particularly when you are not the cook, is incredibly inconsiderate and needs to be addressed.

dragon and her dh need to come to some general agreement about approximately how often dss will be around, how that will affect the budget, and how both dh and dss can help more around the house. would also help, as many have suggested for dh to talk to xw about all of this too, as presumably this impacts her too.

in the meantime dragon just welcome your dss and enjoy having him around. as somebody suggested, chuck him the teatowel and expect him to help out around the place. weirdly that will probably make him feel more rather than less welcome as there's a sense of "all in the family help out" iykwim

good post skidoodle!

KerryMum - I feel that your SM and you don't have a good relationship, don't know the circumstances and don't want to pry and I'm sure that you have your reasons, but please will you stop jumping down the throats of every stepmum that posts here. We're not all evil bitches out to sabotage the relationship between our DPs and their kids, but we are human beings and make mistakes. It can be tough learning to love someone who isn't your biological child without worrying that child might think that you are trying to replace their mum. But we want to because they are an essential part of our dp's life. Part of why I love my DH was how he handled finding out he was going to be a dad (he and XP had split up before she realised she was pg and she just wanted to stay friends) and how is with his ds. Without his ds, he wouldn't be the person I fell in love with.
We post on here to get advice because we feel we cannot discuss it easily with our partners because we don't want to some across as being resentful, and sometimes we honestly don't know if we are approaching things the right way.
I'm just getting a bit tired that SMs are constantly vilified every time someone posts about how they are having trouble with their relations with their sk. Especially as many people post her about the mistakes they make with their own kids! We're just as entitled to get things wrong as well. Yes a lot of SK have gone through the trauma of seeing parents split up and divorce (I was caught in the middle of a particularly acrimonious marriage breakdown, where my dad actually got violent so I know what I'm talking about). And the upheavels with new relationships causes yet more emotional disarray.
But to help us help then we need support and advice not constant criticism and the automatic assumption we are in the wrong....
Anyway, not having a go at you KerryMum, you've offer some great advice on other threads and you seem like a nice person, but you don't appear to be very impartial about this subject. I can understand that, there are some threads I wouldn't touch with a barge pole because my point of view would be too subjective for me to offer sensible advice..
Sorry for the thread hi-jack! Just needed to get it off my chest...

Sipderbaby, I hope you will also take this to heart as well, so sorry to hear you had a hard time with your SM, she sounds like a total freak. But I'm sure that she is very much in the minority.

I dont think all stepmothers are awful though. I just think the anger needs to be directed at the correct person.

I shouldnt have posted about the dishwasher though as I didnt read 'we are a very low income family' previously and now I can see the 'budget' issues are a problem. But this should be the consideration of her husband, the father. It really isnt the sons fault because he hasnt got any idea.

Anyway I am sorry if I came accross as rather agressive earlier. I just saw red and instead of being reasonable, I became insane

Spider - that's okay hun. I agree with you a few posters here - it is the hubby that is the problem not the son.

Okay Kerrymum, sorry if I offended you and singled you out.
But there has been a general trend to condemn first without trying to find out all the facts amd the automatic assumption that SMs resent their step kids.

i think its communication thats the problem.
my sons girlfriend comes to eat here mon through Thursday - but there was a period of time when my son went straight to her house and i was left with food for tow extra people - fucking livid that no one had told me - so i told them BOTH. tell me exactly when you are going to be here.

when everyone has eaten i expect everyone to wash their plate - i tell the gf too - o"oi don't forget your plate" to which my son will not allow his GF (who he considers to be a guest) to wash her plate (awwww ) so he washes it.

you just have to openly say instead of inwardly seethe.

if you have a food budget that isnt stretching this is something that you have to discuss with your dh.

if the problem is that you want some time with your children and Dh on occasion - i don't think that's unreasonable - but no one is telepathic and so just to state " i want some time alone with you and the children please can we make that a tues and a thurs? - will ease the food bills too - love your son dearly i do, and i know you will miss him soon and i understand this becuase when our kids go to uni - i will feel exactly the same way - but i think just a tue and a thurs could help with the family balance and make me a bit happier - i hope you understand"

when he does come to tea - say "oi wash yer own plate mate i'm no one skivvy ,ha ha" (light hearted tone.)